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Morning_after's Blog
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I hope you had a happy easter.
posted at 12:24 am on 03-24-2008
Ok, I know I haven't posted in my blog for a while.
Nothing really has happened, except I've been coming home a bit exhausted.
I think this time of year is hard for me, but mainly because the heat and the sunlight really sap my energy level.
Anyhow, I went to a local sunrise service this morning, then a friend and I went to Denny's and I had some breakfast.
I got home and I saw the movie "Rain Man" for the first time since it was in the theater. I don't know about any of you, but I thought it was a good film about autism (and I also thought the doctors were jerks).
And I fell asleep, even though I didn't really want to.
As for my family, I think my dad has gotten accustomed to not being able to drive, which is good. Now, on my days off, I try to help him run his errands, even if they bore me half to death.
But, otherwise, nothing's new here.
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I survived another day.
posted at 11:51 pm on 03-02-2008
I went in to work at 9, but got out at one.
Anyhow, I had most of the afternoon to myself, which is nice.
I don't know too many people out there like this, but I found myself putting on the music on my computer because without it I guess all the other sounds I hear drive me nuts.
So I put that on and spent the rest of the afternoon either cleaning up the kitchen area or reading a book (with the music on, of coarse).
My nephew came to visit, though. He's a little under two years old, but a bundle of fun. The kid never sits down.
Except he did manage to get into one of my dad's wheelchairs and sat down in it trying to make it move.
Anyhow, I did manage to get a ride to work in the morning, so I won't be walking 3 1/2 miles to get there by 7 am.
But otherwise, nothing much happened.
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I haven't posted on my blog for a while.
posted at 11:45 pm on 02-27-2008
If there are typos in this or something, bare with me. My computer is being a little slow right now.
Anyhow, so last week I put in 46 hours at the store. One day was another 15 hour day.
I'm beginning to think the closer isn't too reliable now. If he had come, I wouldn't have had to work a 15 hour shift.
Anyhow, the next day I only had to put in a few hours, and I had the following day off.
We have family coming to visit this weekend, which is kind of a mixed blessing. For one, I haven't seen them in years, so it will be nice. One the other hand, with my dad being the way he's been, I don't think they will be too happy.
Especially seeing the way he just leans over in his wheelchair, or learning that his license had to be revoked.
But on a better note, my mom and I are looking into doing an act for a nearby talent show. We will be lipsinking though to a previously recorded song.
She will pretend to be Perry Como while I will be Betty Hutton.
No, that's not a sentence that needs to be corrected. Yes, I am a guy. It is going to be a comedy act where I am thinking about wearing a dress.
Anyhow, otherwise I have nothing to share at the moment.
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So I spent the other night at a hotel.
posted at 11:34 pm on 02-21-2008
It was rather nice, kind of like taking a mini-vacation for someone that can't quite get away.
The place did have internet access, so I brought my laptop, and I was on the forum.
Otherwise, I curled up with a book.
It was very refreshing.
My mom is still a little stressed, and I'm trying to encourage her to do the same thing.
She's asked me to take her car to work with me, and she takes my dad's so that he won't be tempted to drive. Apparently, he's not accepting the fact that his license got revoked and has said that he will fight every inch of the way.
I have to pity the guy, I really do. This whole thing makes me sad, but I do have to pity him.
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Tomarrow
posted at 07:21 pm on 02-18-2008
For those of you that don't know, I think my dad is AS, especially with his need for everything to be constantly the same.
His license got revoked last week. Or at least his doctor said he would have it revoked.
Basically, he has been taking to having trouble driving and was caught driving onto the sidewalk while going to have some tests done.
The doctor told my mom and I that he would tell my dad when his results came back so that we didn't have to.
Well, apparently he has an appointment to go over the results tomarrow. I, personally, am not expecting him to take it too well.
This is one of the reasons I think he has AS. He hasn't exactly been too good about dealing with his own imperfections, wanting instead to blame others for whatever has gone wrong.
As for me, tonight I plan on looking for a hotel so that I won't have to deal with him tomarrow.
And, since I won't be home, I probably won't be around the net much.
edit: I think that the cat has been let out of the bag.
I was sitting with my family tonight, and my dad took to lecturing me on how if I was going to continue using the car, I would have to pay more insurance.
That's something my mom had said with regards to being the primary driver.
Anyhow, I asked if the doctor had talked to him, which got a prompt response of "about what?"
My mom shook her head.
I tried to tell him that the doctor would talk to him in the morning, which got a response something along the lines of "no".
I tried to stick to that, saying the doctor would talk to him. He started getting angry, yelling at us to tell him.
I tried to telll him that the doctor would tell him, but he just got angry at the fact that he percieved that we were hiding something from him.
My mom told him that the doctor was going to see about revoking his license.
I probably should not have asked right then, and I still think I am going to look into finding a hotel for tomarrow night.
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I had a good rest last night.
posted at 04:59 pm on 02-17-2008
i must have slept for ten hours.
I put in about 11 hours at the store last night. I agreed to stay because I thought the closer was sick or something, and he was asking around.
At first I refused, knowing I wasn't feeling that great. I finally relented, thinking that he hadn't really found anyone.
Anyhow, I got in about 7:30. At 3:30, being that I was running all over the store, my Autism started to bother me.
For those of you that don't know, I have to be in pretty good shape mentally, or bright lights, certain sounds, etc. will bother me.
I was being paged pretty steadily. I don't normally get so upset at my co-workers as I was last night, but with my autism bothering me so much, I was grouchy with a couple of people.
Someone even commented that I seemed stressed.
Anyhow, apparently the guy that was supposed to close had arranged for someone else to come back in, not thinking I was going to stay.
At 6, they came in and I just passed the torch onto him.
I stopped to get something to eat, not wanting to come home, aware of the fact that my family isn't really too understanding of any of this.
About 8 I came home and within a couple of hours I was asleep.
Anyhow, I woke up at 8 to get to work about 9. The same closer was there looking for someone to cover for him again, but this time I was adament in saying no.
I left when scheduled, at 1.
But I feel much better than I was last night.
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So today went better than I thought it would.
posted at 11:07 pm on 02-14-2008
I think yesterday I was mainly upset at having to see my dad's license revoked and what that means about his health and everything.
But today I think I made a couple of friend's day when I gave them each a teddy bear with a chocolate heart and and card. On the card I told them that they can call me if they get lonely, being single and all.
Anyhow, they both thought it was rather sweet. And, for me, seeing them smile made my day.
In case I haven't mentioned it already, I am the type of person that I guess you could say picks up on the feelings of those around me. I understand that that comes with being an AS and thus being among the most emotional people in the world, making it one aspect about AS I wouldn't want to trade in for the world. Afterall, if I do like the old Jimmy Durante song says ("make someone happy. Make just one someone happy"), well, I get to feeling happy, too.
Of coarse it also makes me want to cry when I see someone else cry, angry when I see someone else angry, etc. But I have made friends that way.
So I just wanted to say I am feeling a lot better.
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posted at 12:18 am on 02-14-2008
I think my family has AS
I don't say that lightly, but I think they do.
At least I think a couple of people in my family have it.
Okay, I started this wanted to let something go, but feeling that this was the only appropriate place to do it right now.
My dad has a number of issues that are wrong with him. Personally, I think he is an AS.
One of them is that he will not let anyone drive him. If he could drive, he would be okay.
However, he does not stay awake at the wheel. The result is that whenever he drives he does so erratically.
He hasn't always been this way. I remember him being the one to drive me to and from church every Sunday morning, then on Wednesday night when the church served dinner and I had my disciplship group and chior practice.
His driving slowly became erractic over the years, causing him to swerve more and more.
Until recently.
After he was seen going onto the sidewalk, he had his license revoked.
Ok, I would laugh, too. However, getting him to go out and do anything, just so that he is active, has been a pain. He is on disability, but can still get around in his scooter. We live in a community for active adults, so there are plenty of activities, but he doesn't do any of them.
I don't know why, other than he seems to prefer just to sit around the house and do nothing all day.
While it is good that he is not driving anymore, I cannot help but think of how things have changed, which makes me a little sad.
On top of that, Valentine's Day is right around the corner.
I bought a couple of things for friends, but that is a day that feels like it is designed in a way that just seems to remind me of something I don't have, someone to love.
I've always wanted a significant other, but on account of being different, I tend to have trouble finding someone that can understand me and love me for who I am. My attempts to join clubs or anything sooner or later just collapses. usually someone cannot take me anymore and I have to leave.
But maybe tomarrow will be better. Who knows?
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Okay, so it's been a couple of days.
posted at 12:38 pm on 02-10-2008
I've never done journals much. Maybe it's the whole idea of having to write about everything in my life. I don't know.
Anyhow, yesterday I wound up doing a 15 hour shift at work. For those of you that don't know me, I work at a department store.
I work on the dock, but where I work the dock has to do store support. So we're the ones that the rest of the store calls for if they need anything.
Being AS, in a way, that's good for me on account of the fact that I end up having to interact with the people in the store all day. Actually, I like them very much and call them all princes or princesses. When I brought cookies for one of them last night, they said I must have been the sweetest guy in the world, so I know they like me, too.
Anyhow, I wasn't scheduled to do 15 hours, but the closer called in sick, so I stayed to cover them.
Now, the fact is that I'm still sensitive to bright lights (feels like daggers stabbing my eyes) and background noises (can't tune them out) so I came home pretty exhausted.
I must have slept for ten hours when I got home. It was a bit of a challenge to do 15 hours, but it's worth it.
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A few words about myself.
posted at 12:27 am on 02-07-2008
I remember Sunday nights were the nights I used to go to church. The service was a progressive service aimed primarily at young adults.
My AS never really got me in trouble there. At most I was treated as eccentric and a little different. Sure I had a couple of people that were a little nervious around me, but that sort of thing would have happened anyway.
The first week I actually had to talk to the pastor about being AS was the week that the congregation was taken to a local theme park.
We all car pooled there. However, we were supposed to carpool with people we didn't talk to too much from the service. The idea was to get to know someone new. I'm sure that most of the people there were completely compatible with the people they rode with.
I, however, was different...
I was put in the same car as the most popular person in the group. I don't give out names over the net, so I'm just going to call him J.
J is not comfortable, at all, unless he is surrounded with tons of people. When I am in a big group, however, I feel my space being encrouched on.
That will come into play later on into the story, but comes in here because while I forget the comment that prompted it, he turned to me and told me that those types of comments were why girls get uncomfortable around me (I think I told the driver she had pretty eyes).
I responded by telling him that I don't care. Which got a comment about how that showed how much I loved others.
Anyhow, at the park, he had the whole crowd around him. Naturally, I keep my distance, sitting all alone in the darkest spot I could find come dinnertime.
While in line for dinner, though, when the idea of, I think it was hanging out with people that drink, came up, I made a comment that suggested that I was unafraid to be around it. He mockingly cautioned me that Kirk Cameron wouldn't approve of that (Cameron was the person that headed a street ministry I used to be involved in). I came right back, telling him that I didn't care what Cameron thought of me, which I think shocked J.
Besides I've been around drink many times before and never once have I touched the stuff.
Anyhow, we eventually started our cardrive home. After three times (I forget what prompted the third) of telling J I don't care what anyone thinks of me, I heard the driver venting about her troubles with men. Having heard her doing that during the drive there, I didn't think twice about trying to contribute.
To which J basically told me to shut up, making both of us sound inconsiderate.
In case you couldn't figure out, I'm an AS that doesn't care what anyone thinks of me. The fact that I'm AS has gotten me in trouble, but the fact that I don't allow myself to be burdened by stigmatizing labels that others throw at me is what keeps me from getting hurt. While it doesn't ALWAYS work, it helps.
After I talked to the pastor about my AS and how that means I can't just be paired up with people like that, I had another misunderstanding that had to be cleared up. To put it in a nutshell, the NT crowd didn't understand that I wasn't trying to pull anything.
The pastor asked me to type up a few words about myself, my AS, and how that led me to a deeper relationship with God. What I sent him is what I have tried to include below. If I could change one thing about the few paragraphs that I sent him, though, it would be to include a bit that talks about the fact that I am a very emotional person, and that that is something I consider to be a gift from God. So what if he used my being an AS to give it to me? I connect with other people and with God in a way that would not be possible at ALL otherwise.
In other words, I feel that God allowed me to be AS in part because I am so emotionally sensitive that I can feel the emotions of the people around me. That way, when they cry, they don't cry alone. When they smile, someone shares in their happiness with them. When they are upset, so am I. For that reason, I will do anything I can to comfort them and calm them down.
So here is what I sent to my pastor. For those of you that aren't Christian, I want to warn you that, being Christian myself, I talk heavily of God. However, this explains who I am
"Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age"- Matthew 28:20 (KJV)
A Few Words About me; or How to Become Confusing for Jesus
Who do you turn to when the whole world seems to reject you? For me, the answer is clear, and it has been for years. The answer sums itself up in the pages of the New Testament: Jesus Christ.
For those of you who don't know, and maybe found yourselves wondering "what's up with that guy/wierdo/etc" or maybe can't bring yourselves to touch me with a ten foot pole, I was diagnosed years back as having Asperger's. To put this in terms that are generally understood, Asperger's draws comparisons to Autism, since the only real difference is that people with Asperger's have a pretty high intellegence, and the presence of brain damage in Aspies (people with Asperger's) is debated. As such, I found that I am sensitive to certain things that won't register to the rest of the world. In a big crowd, I either hear all the sounds of all the people talking, their chairs scratching against the ground, their silverware scraping their plates as they eat, and all the other background noises they make, or nothing at all. I will find myself bothered by all bright lights, or else my brain will fade away and I won't see anything. Either all of these things run through me like a frieght train, or I won't percieve anything I see or hear at all, which also happens several times a day.
Examples of these things get taken for granted in everyday life. If I have a flash go off in my face my ability to process what I see will start to fade, resulting in a glassy eyed stare that tends to creep people out when they don't know that I'm not trying to stare at them. Or my ability to see details will go away, which recently caused me to stumble into the wrong restroom. Make loud noises and my ability to hear becomes similarly withdrawn. The average brain is able to block out background noises and adapt so that the average nervous system won't break down like this. Mine, however, is not.
As an aspie, I will usually take comfort in dark atmospheres and can easily find myself at a loss as to how to communicate to anyone face to face. The diagnostic criteria for Asperger's states that anyone that has it is socially impaired. We cannot understand body language easily, or facial expressions, tone of voice, or anything else that is implied. Examples that I have personally read about include a husband that did not understand that when was sent to ask his mother if she wanted tea, he was expected to go back to the woman that asked him and tell her what she said. This may be due to the fact that blood flow through the parts of the brain that control emotions works differently in the brain of an Aspie than anyone else. This would make sense, since Aspies tend to have incredible brain with a good ability for logic, but horrible abilities at handling their own emotions.
As in my case, which turns out to be typical, emotions don't make sense, and that used to make me uncomfortable. I tried to shut them out, acting like a robot, only to find that they built up inside me whenever I tried until I exploded like a volcanoe. Since following strict rules is the only way that I really make sense of the world, I became legalistic. I remember turning down card games because I was afraid that I would end up gambling, or afraid to go into anything other than a Methodist Church, because I couldn't be sure of what I was getting, or afraid to buy any books, because they would take up unnessessary space, or afraid to talk about my faith on account of the fact that some people cannot handle it.
The more I tried to be someone that lots of people would be comfortable with, the less I understood why they didn't like me or didn't want to spend much time around me. The more I cared what another person thought of me, or how they interpreted me and my actions, the more I slipped into states of depression. The more I cared, the closer I would come to slicing myself up, thinking I had had it with this world, causing me to believe I would take my own life by the age of 25.
Until God stepped in.
The Methodist Church was where I found God for the first time, and I started reading the scriptures nightly.
Psalms 139 tells us that God can be found anywhere. Matthew 28:20 tells us he is with us always, until the end of the age. Matthew chapter six, verses 25- 34 tell us that as God's people, there is not a thing in this world that we ought to worry about. And Jesus himself said that someone will always hate us pointing out that they hated him and he didn't even have to do anything.
In God, I came to terms with the fact that I am different, in terms of how I talk to people, or interact with the world. I have also come to terms with the fact that I will make mistakes that no one else will ever understand, or become frustrated with things that no one else percieves, and act out in ways that they will not make sense of. However, God has shown me over the years that he is the one that I follow, being the only one that knows and understands my heart. He has shown me that when someone else becomes scared of me, it is because I am different from them and maybe they don't understand me. However, I am not to ever take these things personally. He has shown me that he is the one and only one that can be my master, and that not another person's opinion of me matters in the end.
I can exclaim, like Paul, "(i)f God is for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31, NLT). He is the one in whom I can find my peace. He is the one that can truly understand me. He is the only one I need in this life. With that knowledge, I can look even at my own mistakes with a sense of humor, laughing even at myself. And 1 Corinthiams 13, aside from it's explanation of love, says that we will not fully understand other people this side of eternity, claiming that we look in a mirror dimly, but goes on to say that that's okay.
I send this out with the love I have found only through Christ.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
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