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Oblio's Blog
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Listing of links for future reference
posted at 01:27 am on 11-25-2008
Bakoenin:
Feyerabend:
http://www.galilean-library.org/manuscript.php?postid=43838
DIAGNOSIS:
DSM-IVR - Asperger's Syndrome:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt84346.html
INTERVIEW ICC-BETHANY H.
VERBAL IQ-TEST [130]:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp1753987.html&highlight=#1753987
(Comments)
Homework 10/10: start writing & stick to it - daily
posted at 05:52 am on 10-10-2008
I read. That's what I do. It is what I have always done. If only being a student - ha: 'reading' - were a payable career with tenure... At some point in life I lost interest. I suppose it could be said that life's survival effort prioritized itself, I suppose it could & can be seen as a symptom of depression, it doesn't quite matter in the context I am attempting to create right here.
The white line just skipped the roughly twenty years between me dropping out of uni just before the final hurdle. Loss of motivation, loss of perspective, didn't see the point of it all. I managed to hold out on the basis of a very meager free lance existence.
What finally did me in was the everpresent insecurity of any budgettable income, and the lack of continuity I achieved. Around 47 of age my house of cards finally --- well, caved in is not quite the appropriate word...
Just scraping by, I had never really lived "in the system" so I had very little idea about one's rights as a free lancer - I just assumed I had technically been an entrepreneur, and there is very little for those who have no regular job. No work no income, no health insurance, no longer no more being able to pay the rent ...
I had a problem. I managed to buy some time, but there was no real solution when facing creditors empty-handed.
I needed ANY psychiatric diagnosis to entitle me to whatever I might end up being entitled to. Now, mainly as a reader, I have a some history of psychological research & self-contemplation. Anyway, as a reader of literature one cannot fail to acquire a certain amount of psychological knowledge.
The one thing I had just simply never seriously considered opportune in my not-even-search for self-explanation (understanding), was autism.
I have considered (in this order)
[insert: always having been aware of being different, but i had also always been aware of being smarter - so that had always been a given]
- manic depression
- non-convulsive a-typical left-temporal epilepsy
- a-typical borderline
Other considerations have been pondered over, but nothing seemed to 'click'. Anyway, in December 2007 I went to my GP and asked for referral, on the basis of assumed schizoid pd (not quite excluding schizotypical).
Soon thereafter I self-identified on WP.
I got my diagnosis in February. It has taken from then up to almost right now to get things reorganized - which it still is NOT, but I do now have the security of a regular income (benefits); and it also looks like 'they' are going to leave me to my own ideas - so I do not HAVE TO go out looking for a job.
This entire autism thing, to which I am so new but also so old with the selfcontemplation I have been practicing for so much time -
it provides me perspective, understanding, acceptance of myself -
finding out has been deliverance to me.
January was spent in just looking around at WrongPlanet and recognizing such surprising things, and such non-surprising things, I was just taking it in,
but also keeping a distance from 'reliable' information, so as to remain as unprejudiced as possible for as long as possible.
I wanted to keep my 'vision', my frame of mind, as clean as possible, before properly starting to read - after obtaining the diagnosis.
[Autistically, I have always spoken an open mind which is informed by an open eye. And I recognize tought patterns at a certain logical-abstract level - this makes for some occasionally surprising lateral thinking.]
So, in March I started reading. Clearly, Attwood was the place to start. And yes, there were a couple of details new to me, and i started getting used to the more technical terminology; and indeed, Attwood does show feeling and respect...
BUT THERE HAD TO BE MORE
[This is where I need to remark that I am fully dependent on a rather limited public library & I am writing this on what is not my computer, ain't got one.]
I soon discovered that there was not much in terms of deeper explanation. And, apparantly, there was ample indication of a deeper explanation.
I have some assistance from an autism-specialist at the level of working with (small) children. She was in fact, early January, the first other person with relevant experience to 'accept-confirm' my insight. The very first thing she uttered in response to what I was telling her about my situation: "executive dysfunction..."
From the beginning, she has been trying to get me to contact certain people. Because of my linguistic thing she suggested I contact Theo Peeters, who started off in the field of psycho-linguistics, who also had been her teacher. Peeters co-authored with Gillberg; so all of that kept me on my reading track as well.
A read the thesis of Peter Vermeulen, a former colleague now antagonist of Peeters; and a couple of his other writing. Vermeulen, to me, was the first with at least a regular open eye for autism later in life, and more specifically late-life-diagnosis.
His, pretty recent, thesis also provided me with a historical outline of the discourse on autism, since Kanner and Asperger. So when the library happened to stock Uta Frith, I knew that would provide me with a picture of where the discourse on autism actually is.
And yep, although there is once more little news, there were some indications of things to come. But not a whole damn lot. There was something with mirror-neurons, but... Ah, and there was something about the concept of 'self' - and she quotes another researcher, who had come up with the phrase of a 'last visible self'.
But these topics do not receive further elaboration.
So, apparently, that then is where we are, in the more philosophical discourse on autism:
not only are there three main theories of thought
[weak TOM, weak CC, weak (P)&EF]
but there is also a TRIAD to consider in the diagnostic process.
Now, I have to own up to a strange preoccupation with numbers. Two very often turn out to be both sides of one medal. Three has a much cannier tendency to turn out as one.
[off topic: six and seven are similarly scientifically interesting]
I did not need so explicit a word as 'triad' to turn me very suspicious - only once removed from 'trinity'...
I shall leave it here - to address my real point in a proper thread. The above needed to be said, before I will attempt to further the thinking on autism.
(Comments)
First real blog: diagnostic adventures
posted at 04:26 am on 04-01-2008
Jeronimo!
April Fools’ Day may then be more than just as good as any other to end my procrastinating & have my official outcoming on WP. I left it too long for my own approval, as I had planned to do this right upon release from the psychiatric ward where I did not spend the pre-agreed two weeks but almost the whole of February (in 31/1 out 23/2) , for purposes of observartion & diagnostics.
How I got there shall have to remain for any following blog entry – someone suffering from ‘executive dysfunction’ (and this can indeed be called suffering, this ED does constitute a proper handicap, thus providing at least one argument for my Aspergers’ to be deemed a ‘disease’ & and it certainly is that: a chronic ill-at-easeness) such a someone can forgiven for taking it easy
Linguistic Tourrette’s [LT:] re taking it easy, taking it slow >>
Lingering melody [LM:] Soft Machine, Why Are We Sleeping
it begins with a blessing, it ends with a curse,
making life easy by making it worse
& taking it as the start of any endless journey, by one small step at a time. As is, there will be enough anyway in this first real blog entry (the two previous ones just testing the ice), there is enough already here to put any unexpected reader to sleep through most of a long winter.
Upon having pasted my formal diagnosis and edited relevant comments from the release papers I finally received early last week (Tue March 24) which told me what I had already been told in not so many nor exactly those words, somewhere by the fifteenth of February, first by a mail nurse not all too hidden between the lines, two days later by my psychiatrist stating “somewhere in the autistic region”, which was what I knew since last Xmess but so desperately needed confirmed officially, upon said pasting I will perform the official act of updating my profile, NO LONGER UNDIAGNOSED. … Yes!
I was happy, as long as it was pervasive, I had told myself pre-empting less desired results, and spent the rest of the diagnostic month more or less confidently freewheeling toward any desired outcome. Ironically, the term ‘pervasive’ is the one word not used in the whole of the report. More importantly, it was not just only high-giftedness (I’d rather say just High IQ), which, by the way, can come with an amazingly similar package of symptoms – that was the worst case scenario now out of the way.
I didn’t quite get what I’d hoped for, that however is only a question of scientific qualification, leaving me with not more than a “strong suspicion” of Asperger’s. On the other hand, the doctor did use the term in stead of even more safely staying within the bounds of a-typical ASS, as the appendix to PDD-NOS, which I had begun to not would have found overly surprising.
Here then:
excerpt from the release papers concerning my voluntary committal from 31-01-08 to 23-02-08 at the psychiatric ward of the Isala Clinics, location Sophia, for the purposes of observation and diagnostics.
Psychiatrisch evaluation:
well groomed man, wears his reading glasses on the head, appearance in conformity of calender age (51), psycho-motorically unsettled. He regularly adopts a different posture. He also gesticulates much. There is little growth of contact. The researcher is predominantly used to talk at [(to) rather than with]. When his story is interrupted he becomes slightly agitated and indicates he has the idea that I am not interested in what he has to say. He gives an aggrievable impression.
His consciousness is clear, his orientation untroubled. It is difficult to draw his attention, and to keep it. Memory broadly intact, perception untroubled, his thinking is increased associative, from one thing to another, with a great many details – in the form of long sentences with subordinate clauses and enumerations. The mood is slightly agitated with a gloomy (sombre) undertone. The intelligence impresses, he is gifted. He appears to be aware of his illness, but he lacks insight in his illness. […]
His way of making contact appears to function within a need for control. He deeply loves silence with no people around him, but as soon as he is forced to meet people, he controls the situation by his manner of communicating. Psychological evaluation was requested to support the diagnosis autism spectrum disorder.
Psychological evaluation produced the following conclusions:
1. Patient presents with highly-giftedness, with an impressive vocabulary.
2. Patient presents with many traits of Asperger’s Syndrome, and traits of ADHD.
However, it is difficult to establish definitely a developmental disorder over 40 years after date.
3. It appears from the personality material that patient is extremely domineering, very [wary and] guarded, and egocentric. There are narcicist and schizotypal traits.
Conclusion: it concerns the short diagnostic admittal of a 51 year old man […] who has become stuck in all areas of life. There are strong clues for Asperger’s Syndrome, some traits of ADHD, moreover narcicist and schizotypal traits are found.
Classification according to DSM-IV:
Axis I : strong suspicion of Asperger’s Syndrome.
Axis II : personality disorder NOS, with narcicist and schizotypal traits.
Axis III : no diagnosis.
Axis IV : financial trouble. Trouble in primary support group. Trouble with living accomodation.
: Trouble with work [& income].
Axis V : GAF-score 45.
Medication at check: Olanzapine 5 mg. […]
This medication was specifically intended to counter the schizotypal stuff, which i always knew to be related with the narcicist stuff, and the never saw the selfmocking irony in the expression thereof: it was all based on dealing my way with the fearsome situation i found myself in socially, i.e.: the entire AXIS-2 dx is the same as my atypical AXIS-01
it simply asperger's, it's simply autism
(Comments)
Absent With Ordered Leave : Muted I
posted at 05:13 am on 02-09-2008
Pro Memoria: rip&remember sadly departed arrow)
i have solved a number of problems i knew i would at some point in time be confronting
for one: the oblio/Pm thing can be solved by continuing for yet a short spun span [] under amongst you already adopted guise of dear little oblio - who is already amongst you at all relevant stages of his soon 52 yeared body-bodace; in fact & interestingly, it simultaneously does&doesn't swerve me past WP's rankerroneous careering problem
[image: evereroding wildwater cut by evertired scissory rocks everyielding]-[deliverance]
hence: this thence shall have to be - not the proper first [which i aimed myBlog next entry to be upon diAgnosis, i have always considered the two previous ones no more than a test run] - not then oblio's proper first entry; nor then can it be the last yet it shall have to be the first of oblio's last: for i must touch down my arms are flagging & flagitiously] flailing me
i am not a bird i am but a fish
[quoth i am not a solid i am a liquid]
for two: ref Muted II (thingstodo&allthat)
(Comments)
Asylum Seeker seeks, well, asylum
posted at 04:27 am on 01-03-2008
[[]] ee-yore thought: ass or no ass, grant me asylym from the lunartics
[[]] labeling: every word is already a label
[[]] i am not a solid, not a gas, i am a fluid in the body of a solid
& as far a gas goes, i’ll take O3 please
gas comes out of me, that is my holy spirit,
at times it sounds horrendously verbose at times it simply stinks
[]But for the time being i beg my spirit stay, stay put and shutthehellup, for i need to concentrate as i am feeling my way in the dark – o yes i hear voices – and many so manymuchmore, out there! and i need to get there and i don’t now how or where to begin[]
Maybe then it ought to be me, to relate the tale of what really happened to Oblio, and Arrow, when – Nel mezzo del camin di nostra vita, mi ritrovai per una selva oscura – he found himself, and Arrow, in the Pointless Forest, whichwasnotpointlessatall. In fact & literally, itwasn’taforestatall, neither was it in any way obscure; at first it was a vast and blindingly lightcoloured could’vebeenanything or whatshammecallit. Most people i have noticed would now have come up with ‘space’ – a space – anyone and any one,
[[why]]
but the word space has very little to do with the situation little roundheaded Oblio found himself in, and, …
He protests, i must report. He inspects whatever i propose to relate, and has a right of veto, a that is & not without principled discussion. At the very minimum i then have the ifsothen right of noting said veto i this minutes, for all to see. That usually does the trick and it’s off to the doghouse for him, pacing and enticing himself into the occasional hop, or stamp a foot either or no in frustration – anger or impatience i am not sure which – allthewhile mumbling “I am not little, I am not little, I am not Little, am I” et cetera &so wiselike.
However, that also reminded me of Arrow [which caused some rewriting&repositioning above].
… apart from being an excellent catcher of triangles, Arrow did not promise of much practical use in these such mysterious circumstanzas. He was out there, sniffing and jumping, running about as young dogs do, no doubt rolling himself into another repulsive smell before dashing off after some high pitch noone’s ever heard.
In fact, Oblio had never really really been that fond of Arrow, or any dog, for that matter. When his parents had taken him to the Council of Pointville Pound, Arrow had chosen him, adopted him for his adopter, instinctively knowing [[[]]]. Arrows procedure however had frightened Oblio, the squealy and barky noise, the smell of dog [[[]]] but especially the jumping up into his face and the loving licking. And, admittedly, through all that repulsion, Oblio could fine no logical reason or any hint whatsoever that the little monster might intend any harm. So, he had at first tolerated, then grown accustomed to and finally (soon enough, at primary school) discovered an excellent purpose.
Another thing Harry Nilsson maybe purposely forgot to relate is thewhere&thewhen more specifically (there is proper rationale for such vagueness), which will put me at your bedside as that is where fairies tell here tales, desperately attempting to get you sent off and stop this tolling, for methinks i have other things to do & i do always feel as if i should be elsewhere…
[[]]BTW Who of you is responsible for this reply:
I talk about things that interest me.
Otherwise, I don’t talk at all
That, including the white line, was irrepairably funny. There must be a hundred ways to act that, and I can still really only convince myself of the one. Anyway: it says it all, in so many words. Couldn’t seem to get lucky Searching for the quote;
need to ask permission, pondering this for a motto to me seems perfectly blotto.
I will now have to go for the day is upon me while I hope India are hiding the Ozzies for an amusing change of fortunes (one can always hope, as any brit knows). [[There is no such thing as hope: there is expectation of non-attainment, or it would not be hope.]] Goodnite then…
And still, but yet, like the regular gestalting little auto-columbo i am;
besides, i forgot to be aware – that was very inconsiderate & i do must humbly beg you’re forgiveness – off course i can’t let you fall asleep with such a thought for a send-off…:
Dear reader, unlike Harry Nilsson, if we are to get anywhere with all of this, we will soon have to get to thewhere&thewhen, and all sorts of other things. Like Harry, though, i do not mind the occlusional interrupton [downboy!], let alone a musical one. In words, there is only the music of poetry.
Given that the when is Once up on a rooftop and the where would not be too far removed from Oblivia, Shangri Lala Land, [[[]]], Utopia, the true home of the Flying Dutchmen: Neverland & the like,
I have decided to divert you towards your dreamland with a little something I picked up somewhere some long long time ago, by a unknown unpublished dutch poethewaswhenwekneweacht’other. Not too sure he would desire identification, so this may be ©NN, but copyrighted it is.
Anyway, it comes with warm recommendation, especially for those affected by a lack of sleep, distracted as they may find themselves by the incessant count of sheep, which happen to make the most sleepdisabling noise i have ever experienced. There are times you should NOT rely on the wisdom of linguistic legend, in fact you sould NEVER rely on language at all.
You may have noticed I dabble a bit in english, and have chanced my arm at translating. It lost a bit in translation (it lost a lot & gained some); in fact it largely lost its end-rhyme, which i saved by decapition and de-interpunctuation, it’s less condensed but i think it still works
deliverance
softly does the slumber pull the cable
dutybound each gentle shake the sleeper starts
up – until from under the glowing sun he sinks
at last at once cut loose by Alexander’s sabre
softly does the slumber row onto the river
the dream turns wilder he stirrs unsettled
in his flight outrolls the pirates on the coast
too swift and breaks the surf agallop
softly does the slumber glide a ride along the eb
the babbling turns to sluggish slow enormous
rocking deafens the senses the ghost is diving for
the lines the body has let go in open sea
softly does the slumber float out on the ocean
the sleeper is no more than just a hand – opened
to a feeble sun which awalking on the water is
passing peace to whom went up in sleep
softly does the slumber turn to moor the sleeper
is hit with deep awareness he knows
never to have to know no more this is called
eternity the deep peace of a sleeper
=iii=iii/=
(Comments)
anybody there?
posted at 07:36 am on 12-26-2007
still unsure whether i want (generally), here more specifically to belong to any club, even if they'd have me for a member
pretty sure of AS, enter into diagnostic process Jan.24
don't care about treatment, can accept & move on, need diagnosis only to prove i'm not mad: i'm madoid; this in order to stand any chance of being chanelled in social system; no job no income
male, 51, in
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