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Princesseli's Blog
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Discloser
posted at 02:24 am on 09-21-2009
What Im not getting is how much as a person you should disclose of yourself. Until now I used to disclose a lot of information about myself, truthfully most of the information wasnt all that pleasant. From this: its almost always caused things to go bad because I overdid it. People generally dont wanna hear all the bad things that go on in your life. When you have depression problems, if Im really truthful with people it comes out as a ton of pessimism. Friendships based on sympathy often dont workout. In the last few days I got some different feedback which confused me. I have to realize that these people didnt know me. My prof started asking me cornering questions right away when I walked into his office this past Fri which was weird. I've never had a teacher/prof/ or any authority figure that asked me straight up, "whos your counseler?" Its like what answer was I suppose to give him when I have been teaching myself to not disclose my insecurities? He was asking about my mental health. I didnt give him complete answers. He started saying how I had a very huge wall up or something. So I also called this depression hotline and discussed my problems with some counseler lady and she thought the same, that I had a huge wall up so right now Im going wtf? I just started trying to go off the whole quiet, reserved asian. Thats the easiest thing I could think off. Most of the time my brain is either thinking school work, or sorting thru emotional problems drenched in misery and fear. I dont get it.
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Empty Life
posted at 11:26 pm on 09-02-2009
So overall today sucked. I had a meltdown for a few hours cause idk I just never fit in. I want this semester to be different but I dont know how to make it different then the last 2 years. Right now I just feel like a hermit and I just dont know how to exhibit a positive facial expression with people. I went from no eye contact to staring at people. Theres always this thing that people have that I don't get. With naturally connecting with people. I hope I dont have to live a lonely life. Its something I know its the situation a lot of aspies find themselves in. Sinking into depression because of the overwhelming loneliness. I just recently read some book where Temple Grandin said that we are responsible for our own feelings and how we react. I guess thats true I have no idea how to just get up, be happy and go out and meet people. Im so afraid of going around and making a fool of myself. I dont know how to get over this fear. I always get the idea that people dont really like me. I can push the conversation to appear as more interesting or make more people want to befriend me. I wish I could find a life that works for me where I dont feel so empty a lot of the times. Right now I know theres gonna be a lot more meltdowns to come. Well I have a crap load to talk to my psych about.
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Emotion and Communication
posted at 12:59 am on 06-21-2009
So I went to see my psych today and she told me that according to most NT people "communication is ladden with emotion" cause a lot of aspie people use communication as a way of nothing but communicating. I personally think my dad should get this message cause communication to him is simply asking about my priorities for the day. Which I had sorta figured out on my own is just that she is able to verbalize a bunch of scattered thoughts and put them into order. Of course just cause you know this dosent mean its so easy to just go and but verbal expression within your words or communicate emotion thru your body language. One of the problems I have is: i can identify and conceptualize things a lot easier then performing them. If I can even conceptalize it in my head, it does not lead to performing anything. I do not ladden any of my academic/work communication with emotion cause its like how? I am more easily able to ladden my social interactions with emotions. I get too caught up in the actual task at hand. The thing I need to work is developing connections when I work with people cause face it I dont have a social life. I live within an academic setting so its like how else am I suppose to meet people? But I absolutely suck at making connections thru school work or work in general.
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Everything about me is so wrong.
posted at 05:43 am on 06-17-2009
Theres some thoughts I've been moving around in my head. Why am I stuck here. My head just seems to be caught in this place where everything has practically telling me that Im wrong. I dont trust my own intuition nor do I trust other people very much. I always think other people either have problems with me or are just lying to me all lot. So Im quite paranoid. And I always get so fixated with my stupid people obessions. It controls my mood. It took till I was 19 to admit that I had obsessions with people cause I was ashamed of it and kept to a secret from everyone. I've had this since the 4th grade. And I think I just used it to entertain myself in imagining what the person was really like even though it was probably such a far cry from truth. Now I my last two obsessions have been friends and my fixation has been only there to fill the void of loneliness. Right now its summer and I dont know how to go about with any real socializing that does not involve the phone or computer. Hanging out with a friend in person. This summer I've had so much to roll around in my brain. Why has my social life sucked so much. I think Im only starting to understand what Im doing wrong and should not do. But the question is what should I do? Theres so many things I do thats just wrong that I feel I get trapped in so many webs. I dont like to be wrong or unjustified. I feel so much shame which is holding me back from doing what I have the potential to do. I hate feeling guilty, I still recall small incidents of being a fool back in highschool and I just cant put it away. I still feel guilty even though the person most likely doesnt even remember. Its just had to get up on my feet and feel confident in my actions and what Im doing. Im afraid to say certain things because Im afraid of being caught in my words where someone can say something that makes me wrong. Sometimes I come across as being dummer then I actually am because Im afraid to say what I think. I'd rather just say idk and not face the risk of being wrong. The way I present myself sometimes especially in classes, I appear to know less then I know almost all the time. I dont know how to communicate when I know something. Right now Im just writing to myself instead of shoving this in someones face because its wrong. Even writing this is probably wrong because it just perpetuates my state of self pity. As I learned, I should stop my state of self pity. People always end of saying the same things over and over and easily get exasperated. To say something to every single accusation of being wrong. I am forced to live here, it was not my choice to be alive. If Im forced to, I'd rather be as free as I can not locked away in the psychatric ward so I stabilize and control myself. Its all or nothing in my life. In my own life, I will not settle for a life being within a state of subhumanity! I will be free and educated. Its the only pride I have in myself! Since they wont allow me to end my life.
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Like a stalker
posted at 03:12 am on 06-07-2009
So I was doing my 3rd training session for ER. Since I was already trained twice I already kinda knew the place by now. The guy that was training me was the same person as last week, Steve. The 3rd Steve I know. The thing is that I kinda have a crush on him which would not be good if I were to work with him on a weekly basis. He has a girlfriend, I found out today. He's a really nice, caring guy. And he's constantly running around all the time. Its getting kinda weird that I keep following him around like a stalker. I swear its not cause I like him, its cause Im still not secre with ER yet. But Im gonna be on the shift tomorrow so...thats gonna be confusing. I was secretly stealing some glances in checking him out here that there. He's really cute. I think he's around 23ish. I think I was constantly wearing a really weird smile for a significant portion of the time. He probably thinks Im weird, I wouldnt blame him. I hope he doesnt think Im a stalker. Well I probably wont see him again which is good cause I'd get attached to him....bad:( Then he'd probably think I was a stalker. I found it a bit weird that he went onto this whole tangent about all his injuries, but thats not terribly common for people to talk about gross stuff with me. Hey, thats one of the topics I love.
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Suck it up and Dance
posted at 02:40 am on 05-24-2009
Jealous and anxiety are those things that can eat all you up and spit you out, in other words make you feel like absolute crap. Its just more of all this insecure shit that Im almost trapped in. Even though I set up a facebook account 2 years ago I barely went on it cause my insecurities of watching people have a life. Lately I've been going on daily due to boredom, and in some ways hoping to help maintain contact with some people but I cant help but always feel that jealous especially after finding out that some girl named Nicole Ing has a very active social life, acts really ditzy, and for some reason still gets really good grades, is doing research this summer and a physics major, gosh! Its getting so fustrating seeing what others can do and which just reminds you of your many weaknesses. When you try to look at Aspergers from a positive perspective, people try to focus on our strengths that they make it mostly exclusive to aspieness. I dont know bout others but everything I can do, a NT can do and often more. But hey, like my friend once told me, I gotta "suck it up and dance." Personally I'd say, dancing is my best form of nonverbal communication
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UH Matters
posted at 11:49 pm on 05-22-2009
I still haven't gotten the UH thing completely straightened out. Its been pretty annoying having to deal with some lady that keeps giving me these super abrupt answers whenever I call her on the phone and never giving me a clear answer with trying so hard to prove that I do in fact have the prereqs for physics gosh. Thank goodness she wasnt in today or else I would've been unenrolled again today, the lady that answered the phone was a lot nicer and told me to attend the 1st day of class and then go to their office and sort the matters out. So basically Im gonna have to probably bring a copy of the grades since the registar lady at oxy told me that the transcript she was sending still had the grades in progress. Annoying...
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From both sides
posted at 08:48 pm on 05-20-2009
Today was my hospital volunteer orientation and after getting very bad sleep last nite, I was basically super tired through the whole thing. It was interesting in getting an idea to know what its like to be on the other side even though I havent started volunteer work. A year and a half ago I was in position as the mentally ill patient put in a psych ward, I wasnt technically mentally ill, I was just a confused college freshman who was having horrible adjustment problems. Now Im coming back to a hospital to work as a volunteer, now Im gonna see whats its like to be on the otherside, the worker whos suppose to be sane, friendly, trying their best to provide a hospitable enviorenment for the patients.
Of course their not gonna put a volunteer in mental ward but she did make some references that many patients might be not sane. And in this pamplet I read said that "volunteers are screened during the entry interview to determine any signs or symptoms of disease". So what is their definition of disease? Does AS fall under the definition of disease. I was thinking of telling her about AS because these volunteer positions require good customer service, I'll try but I cant guarentee good hospitiality skills.
I ran into this person who I used to work Bricson who I still dont know how to spell his name. I havent had a conversation with a person my age(in person) in a some time. It was somewhat refreshing.
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