Oh hell!

It's university applications soon. And you know what that means...

Interviews.

The thing about these interviews that bothers me is that my Dad refuses to let me announce my disability... Although it's really obvious [which raises questions as to why my teachers refused to have me referred to a psycho... I mean psychiatrist], as I'm considered to have rather severe AS.

But still, without letting them know, they may just think I'm a freak that bobs her leg all the time and never looks at anyone, and then I'll get into a grand total of 0 unis.

My Dad says, "If your brother can do it without telling anyone of his disability, so can you." Well HELLOOOOOOO, he has dyspraxia, for a start, and he has MILD dyspraxia, at that.

Besides, nowadays unis look for the social animals. Brains matter not, it is whether you can make a million friends and sleep with at least 10 in one day that REALLY matters in the working world. Or at least in England.

Must I, the smartest child in our family [I'm not arrogant, it's true] fail miserably at the start of her life? What a waste in IQ points, qualifications, and brain cells!!

My best friend and I made an agreement, many years ago, that boys would never come between us, because relationships are horrible things anyway and it all leads to the big S, which we both totally disagree with.

Well, I was invited to come shopping with her. Oh, and she was bringing a friend she knew for about 2 weeks (at the most). The whole situation when the event occured reminded me so much of the film Sunset Boulevard, so I am going to name my friend and her friend appropriately. My friend will now be called Norma, and this friend is now called Joe. Yes, she brought a boy along. And these are quite appropriate names, too, as far as emotions and relationships are concerned. If you have seen the film you will (hopefully) understand what I'm trying to say. In this situation I would have been Betty (without the fiancé or the infatuation with Joe).

Can I say the whole day went terribly for me?

For starters, I wasn't actually included into the conversations. I eventually had to barge through their words and yell the first coherent sentence that came to mind (which often worked).

I must inform you that I have relatively severe AS. Talking, let alone making friends is a huge challenge for me.

When we got to the park (which is near the shops), it was then that I realised the relationship between these two. I know that they weren't dating, but I could tell that Norma had a great lust for Joe. She was chatting to him all the time yet Joe tried to get to talk to me. Shy and trusting, I asked Norma for Joe's mobile number so I could send him a random text but she refused and that was that.

When it eventually came to the closing of the day, we were all saying our goodbyes. Norma and Joe embraced; not just a mere hug, this was a true embrace, and I swear she even kissed him on the cheek. Something she swore to me that she would never do in her entire life. When it came to my turn for hugs, Norma said quickly, "Don't hug her. She doesn't like hugs." I would have gladly hugged, if it meant I had gained a new friend. I do have exceptions, you know. So we all parted and I was left unhugged.

It's bad enough that I have lost Tim (see last post) as a friend. Oh yes; I realised how much of a jerk he actually is. Maybe he had a bad day, but I bear grudges.

They say there's plenty more fish in the sea. But I don't think many of them would like to accept my bait.

I went to a party yesterday. A birthday party.

I can't describe to you the events or main theme, because it was pretty unique, and to describe it would give away my identity to my friends and aquaintances. I wish to remain incognito.

Three guests at the party brought their boyfriends along with them (including the birthday girl). I saw how happy they were with their loving companions; one girl was cuddling her boyfriend all the way through the party (although they never kissed). It made me feel extremely awkward; once I was accused of trying to steal someone's sig. other, because I talked to him. Learning by experience, I didn't talk to any of these three girls, or any of the three boys.

The whole experience made me feel horrendously... ugly. Malformed. A monster. There are only two girls I know who don't have boyfriends (excluding one who is also autistic, and never leaves her bedroom anyway), and have been single all their lives. And, I hate to say it but I must, they are actually... well, ugly. They both have huge glasses (not that I'm saying that people who wear glasses are ugly), one has terrible acne and bizarre features, and the other looks VERY much like The Ugly One from Homestarrunner.com's 'Teen Girl Squad' (but in a human form, of course).

The girl who was cuddling up to her boyfriend all through the event, I had considered not to be girlfriend material. (looks and personality)

I am jealous.

I am not jealous because they have boyfriends, but I am jealous that they are who they are. They must be prettier than me; inside and out, to have such loving companions. It only reminds me of how malformed I must be.

To describe what I look like: I have blue eyes, and thick, blonde, curly hair (which frizzes up like mad if I'm not careful). I'm 4'10", average build; times have been tough and I'm losing weight like mad. My skin colour varies throughout my body, it's generally pale, with the odd touch of sickly light beige. My eyebrows appear non-existant because they are so fair. My face is round; my chin is stubby with a dimple, and the top part of my head (forehead, basically) is noticably wider than the rest of my face. My eyes appear very small, and my nose quite long, and slightly turned up, and my lips, although of average thickness, appear 'pouty'.

And it's not like I hide in my room all day so I don't make friends. I'm a member of the Scouts, so I see plenty of people to make friends with (more boys than girls), but fail at that. Except...

Except there is one boy who does talk to me. His name's Tim, and he doesn't say much to me, but it's better than nothing at all.

But one girl who goes there acts all nice to me when we're in the group. Outside the Scout hut she's a completely different person. I accidentally came across her in a shop, she was with her friends and I on my own. I walked past her little group and I heard them whispering... about me... as if it was the first time she'd ever seen me in her life.

I'm a monster. A monster to look at and a monster to talk to.

I'm not competing for friends and/or boyfriends because I want to be popular and fit in, I'm competing so I can prove something to myself.

Wowser it's been a long time since I came here. I know, I know, I promise I'll come on here more often :P So I say now, Merry Christmas, Happy new year, and I am now 1 year older as I had my birthday on January the 7th. Happy birthday to me, yay etc.

I'm at skool right now so I'll make this quick. I'm in physics class, and we're doing about various scientists. I was looking up Isaac Newton, and scrolling down until something caught my eye (ouch!) and I scrolled back up. It said that Newton could possibly have been an aspie.

So I was like, 'really'? Then another question came into mind; "why on earth do people want to know this? What concern is it of theirs? Will the world blow up if they don't find out which famous scientists are aspies?" Did they not do the same research into Einstein, as well?

I must say, I don't mind if there is a real purpose to this. But the only advantage to knowing that Newton or Einstein etc are aspies, is that it would make aspies feel good about themselves and bring world recognition to Asperger's syndrome. At the same time, this can bring disadvantages, e.g. pomposity and so on.

But maybe I'm just complaining. I hope everyone out there is doing fine, hope you had a nice Christmas etc. =)

Over and out!

I'm feeling very strange today... Very strange... how can I describe it? There must be a word to sum up how I feel...

Ah yes! That's it!

JEALOUS.

I'm feeling very jealous today, an emotion I've hardly ever felt before. But I'm not jealous because my 'friend' got a new video game. It's because... well... It's quite silly really.

You see, I used to have friends. Note the way I phrased that... Anyway, one of these friends I fell out with me after she told me to go anorexic (I'm not even overweight! And she's heavier than me!!). She then went on to say to others how I'm a stuck-up, self-centred little girl. They believed her stories, because, well, who'd believe it if I said, "Your best friend told me to go anorexic."? No, it's not a very believable thing to say.

The other friends still think I am their friend. They post internet lists of their friends, like, "I luff mah fwendis! Mah fwendis r xLucyx xChloex" etc etc. I have an appearance on these lists, but wedged between two unknown-by-virtually-everybody people. No xs. And they still talk to me, but not if this go-anorexic girl is in our presence, because that would anger her.

But I digress. Back to the subject in hand... I'm feeling jealous because the friends posted pictures of each other on internet sites. You know, happy-smiley-luvy-duvy kind of pictures. The go-anorexic girl was in most of these pictures.

She stole my friends from me, not because I'm morbidly obese, as she may think (I'm not overweight! Honestly, I'm not!), but because I'm an aspie. It's known that I'm autistic, and when she found out that I was, she suddenly turned into a... well, you know.

So I'm jealous because I can't make friends. And I'm jealous of the NTs that they do not have a label.

I feel so at home here. I have no idea why. My last post, even if it did get 2 comments, made me feel *loved* for once. And I mean - for once. I personally thought I'd get people complaining, but I suppose people understand what I'm saying here............

Anyway, back to my original point. I discovered today that someone who claimed to be a friend of mine (this feeling, however, was not exactly mutual, to say the least) was planning a birthday party behind my back. Sure, this was to see Shrek the 3rd (cinema parties are the most pointless), and a sleepover (the last one I went to involved reading girl magazines... pure evil). I wouldn't mind, but a few days ago, another friend of mine (this is a girl I really do trust) told me that a girl who chummed-up to me was having a party and would I be going? "What's this about?" I asked, "A party? I never heard of this. When is it?" "Tomorrow," she replied, "and she asked me for your telephone number. So I think you're going to be invited." So, I waited that day. But no phone calls regarding this came through.

I imagined what the party would be like. All these giggling girls, surrounding a TV screen, holding bags of pop-corn like it was a fashion accessory, and talking over whatever film they were supposed to be watching (this was, apparently, the kind of party). I then thought of the girls rugby-tackling the birthday girl (which is what they do... weird, huh?), and generally having a good time. Or, their definition of a good time.

I know I hate parties. The pointlessness of it all... I would only come back full of sorrow, as I usually do, because the parties are always orientated to their interests, which are never mutual to mine. So, I would only spoil it. And the last party I held... oh, my mum said to me, "I don't think they liked your party. I know YOU enjoyed it, but I don't think it's the kind of thing they like. They seemed bored to me." Oh, thanks for breaking my innocence, mum. I can always rely on you when I want someone to break my spirits.

Oh crap, I'm rambling again. So I close: I don't know whether to be happy or sad about not being invited. Which one rules the other: boredom or loneliness?