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Things to Note
posted at 07:45 am on 07-07-2010
Throughout the months I have experienced some things worth noting. I've been meaning to write them down for a while. I never got to it in my real journal (I barely write in it anymore). I have also been meaning to schedule an appointment with my counselor/adviser but it's difficult with my varying work schedule.
I had a major nervous laughter fit at work about a week ago. Several people at different times asked me if I was okay, and I noticed that other people gave me odd looks. I couldn't help but giggle sometimes (usually when talking) and people kept suspecting something was wrong.
One person, a gay server at my work, often asks me why I'm sad. It is just this one person who continues to ask me this. He has good intentions (after all, he's gay) but every time I tell him that I'm not sad at least, I don't think so. Oh yeah, this guy majored in acting. Shouldn't he be able to tell when a person is genuinely expressing sadness? Why should I be sad?
A few weeks ago, several times, I experienced breakdowns with my boyfriend. He made me incredibly angry and I wanted to punch him. This was probably throughout late May, early June. I wanted to break up with him because he made me so angry. This has happened before as well, months and months ago. Sometimes it's hard for me to control my anger, but rarely like this. I beat up a wall and slightly damaged my boyfriend. Ultimately, I didn't want to hurt him, so I stopped. Could this have been a meltdown?
I've been procrastinating a lot lately, but this is not unusual for me. I just wish I could find some motivation because I know that what I'm putting off is important. If I could be pushed into it, then I would take it up.
That's all for now. I'm off for another day at work.
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Genetics?
posted at 05:56 pm on 04-12-2010
This blog entry will be dedicated to my health and genes.
There is a lot of talk about people with Asperger's and their appearance, regarding age. I personally always thought that my mom appeared to be younger than she is really. My dad looks somewhat younger than his actual age. Hell, my grandparents all the time pass off as my parents.
Right now, I want to focus on my health and diet. I think, I truly think, that my family history is healthy. My great-grandma (she is 80-something years old) has been smoking most of her life and is still healthy. My dad is skinny, but he bikes everyday. My grandparents are on a strict weight-loss diet. My sister is concerned about her own weight and eats little. My brother does drugs, so that probably makes him throw-up his weight or who knows what. My cousins are chubby. My mom is very chubby. I am one of the skinniest people you would ever meet.
I am reading the May 2010 issue for Seventeen Magazine, and there is an article about why so many girls are fat. Well, it's wrong. Actually, anything that strictly says that "these habits will make you fat," are downright wrong. They do not consider genetics. I practice all these things:
1. Not enough sleep. I got 3 hours of sleep last night. In high school, I'd get about 3 to 5 hours of sleep nightly. My sleeping schedule varies dramatically, due to my job and college.
2. Skipping breakfast. Do they really think this will make someone fat? How? I skip breakfast everyday; okay, that's not entirely true, I do drink coffee at school and on my way to work (typically 11am or in the evening). So, does drinking coffee daily make me lose weight? Nonsense.
3. Giant portion sizes. Anyone who knows me, or even anybody who has seen me eat, knows that I eat in large quantities at a time. If someone else will pay for it then I will eat a feast all on my own. Once, a teenage coworker told me she ate a whole plate of nachos. That's nothing! I'll raise her a plate and chug down two extra large smoothies with some room left for an entrιe and dessert! I also tend to eat very fast.
4. Eating while distracted. Is there any other way to eat? I've been eating in front of the TV since elementary school. Basically, I only eat when I'm at my computer or watching television. I generally stop eating when there's no more to eat or during commercials.
5. Liquid calories. Mmmm, soda, juice (my fave), coffee, bottled iced tea, they're all so delicious. Honestly, I only drink something for flavor -- the extra calories are a bonus! Also, the article recommends water, but that is not tasty at all. Bleh.
6. Stress. This is actually something I never experienced until toward the end of high school. Even then, it wasn't much. I really do not stress easily. Maybe this is the reason why I stay so skinny. I never eat to "feel good," never ever. The article recommends exercise as a "mood booster," but exercise is too much for me. I eat when I'm hungry.
I am 5'7" at approximately 120-130 pounds. My weight varies, which is new to me (although I have heard of fluctuating weight, I never actually experienced it before this year). Oh, the last time I went to my doctor, she said I was perfectly healthy. In the past I have gotten checks for insomnia but the tests were negative each time. I just don't need 8 hours of sleep, maybe.
I just looked up "freshman 15"finally!and I've never experienced it. I've been eating all-you-can-eat style for my entire life, and it never affected me so dramatically.
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Progression
posted at 10:06 am on 04-01-2010
I just realized that I have gotten a lot of therapy throughout my life -- and by a lot, I mean I have been practically living with therapists and counselors. The majority of it has been helpful. I will keep a time line below:
Toddler: I went to a therapist with my siblings and by myself because of my disruptive (and destructive) behavior. Mostly I remember playing games but I also remember that we focused on my behavior and actions.
Child: Throughout elementary school, I saw multiple therapists because of my behavior and my learning delay. I got help in school and outside of school. One of these therapists I had for several years, and mostly her and I just played games together; she did not really help me with my understanding of life. My teachers often helped me with my homework.
Pre-teen: In middle school, I saw a couple of therapists and neither of them really helped. One of them seemed like she was only doing tests with me; actually, I think that helped determine that I may have had Asperger's Syndrome. I remember doing a lot of reading and answering questions.
Teenager: Finally I got my current counselor when I started high school, and she's incredible. She helps me understand society, nonverbal cues, and everything I could ever ask her. She has changed my life. I owe the main part of my progress to this woman. She's a social worker but she's also a university instructor. My high school education was at an "alternative" school, really focusing on individual learning. A lot of my projects related to my "special interests," and still let me apply the material (e.g., we could opt out of taking tests). I had a high school counselor (also one of the teachers) who helped me figure academic things out.
Young Adult: Nothing yet, just learning from life.
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Nicknames
posted at 01:34 pm on 03-30-2010
This blog entry is about the message that my name "says" about me.
I've gone by the name Gigi my whole life; although it's not my birth name, it might as well be. There are some comments about my name that I don't think I will ever forget. When I was extremely young, my doctor called me "Gabby," even though I knew I went by Gigi. In middle school, my science teacher confidently told me that by college, I will want to go by my real name.
My birth name is Gabrielle. I like (actually, I enjoy and almost take pride) that my first and last names are entirely French. For a lot of my life I had liked French culture, music, and the language; this inspired me to take French class when I had the chance. In all my French classes, I went by my real name Gabrielle.
I think that going by the name Gigi makes me unique. I'm not arrogant about it, but I make sure that I tell every teacher that I go by "Gigi." At any job, internship, club, and community service I make sure that my name tag says Gigi or GIGI. For a while I thought about legally changing my first name to Gigi; however, I have changed my mind since then due to the confidentiality I can have online.
I don't care how anybody spells my name. I like the sound of my name. It sounds playful, youthful, and exactly like a nickname. It's short and cute. It is almost opposite of my long and elegant birth name Gabrielle. "Gigi" gives me character. I am a silly and perky person, just like the name Gigi. It's the sound of the same letter twice. It's easy to comprehend. I think anybody can say it, so why should I care how anyone spells it?
My nickname has very personal history, and because of this, it is more meaningful than a short, easy nickname. I was adopted and my previous last name started with a "G." Therefore, my old initials were G.G. When I asked my dad why he & my mom gave me my nickname, he said it was because both my first name and my last name (at the time before I was adopted) had the letters G and I in them; when put together, it's G-I-G-I. Throughout elementary school all the way up to high school graduation, my username was gg7339 due to my old initials. I loved keeping it!
Now, it's time to ask you, reader! Do you have a nickname? How long have you used it? Does it have a direct link to your real name? Do you like your nickname? What would be your ideal nickname?
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5 Reasons
posted at 12:15 am on 03-12-2010
A lot of people tell me I should become a waitress, but here are 5 reasons why I cannot, could not, should not be a waitress.
1. I am clumsy. I lose my balance quickly. I'd drop the tray, and I already walk into walls as it is. I bump against chairs--and people--on accident.
2. I have poor social skills. Stock phrases, stock questions. My smile is always there, but not always genuine. I do not understand certain nonverbal signals. I am awkward and silly.
3. I am forgetful, both short-term and long term. I forget simple orders in a busy environment. More so, I forget people's names and faces. I also forget simple items on the menu.
4. I am impersonal. It is difficult for me to discuss personal (no matter how generic) experiences. Most of the time, I cannot relate to others, so it is difficult to empathize. I can't give (informed) advice to others on the spot.
5. I give the wrong impression! I'm happy and cheerful, I keep a positive and calm attitude, I'm nice and helpful to others, and I'm smiling all the time! That's all. Nothing more.
I am officially seeking to get out of the restaurant business. I have been a hostess for several years now, but I would rather be in a quieter, more stable environment. I am beginning to seriously consider a part-time job (leading to a career) that is dedicated to my "special interests," what I am passionate about, what I have lived for all my life, what I enjoy doing in my free time.
My dream career would be to work in the large field of computer animation. For now, I would enjoy working part-time for a graphic design, Web design, or advertising design firm.
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Sessions
posted at 07:46 pm on 01-21-2010
I see a counselor about bi-weekly* and only once or twice have we talked about Asperger's syndrome. I mentioned it during our last session and we basically confirmed that I have it.
It is difficult to relate to people on Wrong Planet, though. It feels as though I was more like the individuals from the forums when I was, say, 12 to 16. I just recently turned 20 and I am more aware of society, norms, social cues and figures of speech than ever.
I really enjoy analyzing the things most people take for granted or naturally understand. It's fun to learn and ask about. I love that I can ask my boyfriend everyday about these things. And I'm happy to have a counselor who has helped me get to the point that I am now.
Jan. 28 2010: Today I learned that introducing myself is "friendly," and is not just for business or networking purposes. She helped show me how to introduce myself. She said that it seems rude, stuck-up, and "standoffish" when I don't bother to introduce myself or my boyfriend (when he's with me) to someone. She also taught me a way to ask for (or "pull") people's names when I forget them. I will practice!
Apr. 12 2010: I think I may have permanently stopped seeing my therapist. Anyways, her past advice still helps me. With both hers and my boyfriend's advice combined, I have learned how to work more efficiently at my job. At some point I grew to dislike my job (restaurant hosting) but I figured out it's because of the way I interact with people. Now, I actually don't find hosting so bad anymore. The guests are strange, but I now try to make minimal contact & conversation with them. I have learned how to be politely avoidant. It's pleasant.
*I have been seeing this counselor for about 6 years.
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Personally, ...
posted at 05:00 pm on 12-07-2009
Everybody has their own personalities, traits, and oddities. I was the class clown in mid-to-late elementary school. I was wrongly accused of having ADD by some peers back in high school. One of my favorite coworkers at my previous job would always call me silly. Recently, my dad's wise friend called me quiet and shy. In short, I've been getting more and more introverted.
But even though I've changed and matured, for the most part, my traits have stayed the same. In this blog entry, I'd like to list out some of my "core" traits:
Childish. I'm easily amused. I like to please others. I can come off as rude.
Smiles when nervous. Used to be "laughs when nervous," until I learned how to control it.
Selfish I think of myself before anyone else.
Computer whiz. My earliest computer game was during preschool. I learned how to type on my own (and it isn't with home keys). I taught myself HTML and CSS. I still have the AOL e-mail address I got in second grade. To this day, I absolutely love computers.
More to come.
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On the Job
posted at 05:00 pm on 12-07-2009
I work as a restaurant hostess and I deal with strange people. As a restaurant hostess, I deal with everybody who enters and leaves the restaurant. I take people to their tables. I decide where they go. Overall, the hosts run the "flow" of the restaurant.
This blog entry will be dedicated to mishaps, silly stories, and dialogue that happen at work.
Feb. 1 2010: It took me several times to figure out that it isn't okay to take a knife from a baby. Every time I that I tried to help (pleasantly and calmly), I got extremely negative responses. Once, I even got a loud, "STOP!" from a mother. I've stopped doing this since that event, letting it be up to the parents to do exactly what I did. Actually, some moms have even taken the knife (after I offered it) only to give it back to their baby and take it away again. Also, generally, parents notice their babies playing with knives right before it's too late.
Just two days ago, my manager took a knife from a baby, saying "I'll trade ya," just after I had taken the guests to their table. The baby's mother gave no negative response; if anything, she was thankful. I don't understand this at all.
Before, my questions were, "Why am I not allowed to help? How come a mom would insist on taking a knife from her kid instead of the hostess herself? Why are some moms so over-protective?" But now they're, "What was I ever doing wrong? How is it OK for my manager to help protect a child but not me?" But my manager is a mom, so maybe that helped. I'm still baffled.
Apr. 12 2010: I've been postponing this entry for weeks; anyway, I'll add it before I completely forget it. One time at work, while taking guests to a table, I passed by a napkin on the floor. I literally walked around it because I intended not to suddenly stop and put my butt up to these people. But by the time I got to the table and turned around, they were still back there and one of them had picked that napkin up! They gave it to me as if it were an obstacle to take care of.
Just two weeks ago, I passed by another napkin on the floor while showing different people to their table. Thinking of last time, and also avoiding making a sudden stop and bending over, I smiled & said, "Watch your step," sort of in a light, joking way. These people did not pick the napkin up, but then a server told me to pick it up!
Really, are you kidding me? This happened one more time. This time, I said, "Excuse me," and quickly moved forward to grab a napkin off the floor and set it on a dirty table. No harm done; however, I did it based on past experiences, not because it was blocking my path!
Update Apr. 19 2010: The napkin thing happened to me again a couple of days ago. I took a couple of ladies to a table and they happened to be bugged by a napkin under the table. They acted very aggravated, and they struggled to push it out from underneath. I just picked it up and threw it away. Yeah.
Apr. 13 2010: Hmm, my manager got asked, "Are you okay?" about 5 times, by several people, in the past three days. I thought he looked normal every time. I happened to be by him and the commentators, and each of them said he looked mad or angry. One person even took the expression on his face (whatever it looked like) personally. Out of the blue, she asked him, "Are you mad at me?" What the hell? For one, he said he wasn't, and secondly, why do people ask that stuff? He's a nice manager, by the way, so I would never just assume that he is mad. This ongoing situation doesn't concern me at all, but it does confuse me.
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Educational Moments
posted at 04:09 am on 12-04-2009
One of my earliest memories of being scolded in school was in the first grade. I had stepped onto a chair to get to the other side of it. This was not an issue for me, because it was a small first-grader chair, but it was a giant issue for the teacher. She yelled at me and sent me right out to the hallway. It seemed like I was crying out there for almost 15 minutes.
In both first and second grade, I constantly got in trouble for chasing my crushes around the playground. I remember thinking that it was what I "was supposed to do." Teachers have yelled at me for this and they've sat alone with me and talked calmly, but they've always scolded me for it. It was not what I was supposed to do.
Fast-forward to high school, where I acted my typical say-it-like-it-is self, expressing my opinions and short remarks on the spot. I will never forget the times where my Political Radicalism teacher would actually tell me to "shut up." It was in the classroom, and later quietly in the auditorium during a school announcement. I never apologized.
Each of these moments have scarred me to this day; for the most part, I have learned from them. I still, however, swivel around obstacles and step over things that are in my way. I do not, on the other hand, speak my mind as quickly.
I will keep this entry updated regularly.
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