I've been feeling down lately. So starting from yesterday, I'm going to the gym more often. working out really helps...I think it improves the overall mood...it does make me feel better.
Ok, so I am not seeing the sweet, great guy anymore. He is a great person, but he just doesn't have enough time for me, and it hurts too much to be pining for someone without getting adequate responses + many other factors.
Anyway, the bottom line is I wanted to respect myself so I am not seeing him anymore. What I had with him was short but precious.
But I am going through the aftermath (while he is not affected. It kind of makes me wonder, whether he had really engaged himself in the relationship, whether I was really on his mind, whether he had admitted me into his heart. He just seems uninfluenced, indifferent, distant, disengaged, focused primarily on himself. I think he has good reason for it though, and as a friend I am supportive. Although I am a little upset about certain things, I can understand his point of view, which makes me feel that it was the right decision to break up.).
I was unable to concentrate on work while I was in the relationship, and now that I am out of it I still can't concentrate on work.
I am feeling sad and hurt...
Well, I think I should love myself more.
I'm learning several dance forms, and I really like them. I think I will console myself through dancing. Moving through the space is awesome.
And I think I'll go to the gym again tomorrow.
I usually do about 40 minutes of cardio. And it feels good! After the workout I stretchout...which also feels good. I have a flexible body, so I enjoy myself quite a bit when I stretch. :)
Things will be OK. Things will get better.
I believe I will find my love somewhere.
Someone who would commit to me wholeheartedly and appreciate me.
I want to be pampered by my love. A lot of the guys of my life were cold-hearted. I want to know what it's like to be loved, and I want to be loved throughout my life. I deserve to be loved. I think everybody does.
I wish to give love as well. But, I don't want to be giving out of insecurity, fear, loneliness, desperateness, or desire to be loved. I want to be immersed in my lover's warm love and freely give out of joy. I am a giving person, and I can be very affectionate and loving, but I don't want to be taken advantage of in any way. Love should be mutual, love should feel warm, not cold like a poisonous snake.
I just need to find the right person, and I belive I will.
I'm feeling very sad... Lately, I haven't been able to get myself to work....I can't concentrate...
It is due to this relationship that I am in...
The person that I am seeing is great...but he is also very well disciplined...and has good self-control...
While I am lost in my feelings and obsession, he is able to say that he has to go back to work.
I think I am obsessed with him...
It seems like he doesn't need me while I need him so much...
How do I get out of this? I have to get my work done too. I have to stop staying up until late...I have to concentrate on my work and give my everything to it...
I have to stop calling him or texting him or sending him e-mails!
But this obsession is like a tide that sweeps over me...
I feel like I am intoxicated by the togetherness...I keep wanting more...I feel like a prisoner of love...
How do I find the self-control that I need?
How do I swim against the tide? How do I change the tide?
whew...writing it out makes me feel better...
I guess...I have to keep concentrating my mind on what I want my future to be like...
I have to clearly envision my future...
I want to have a career, it is definitely something that is very important to me...and something that I love...
I want to have a nice home...and a loving family...
I have to concentrate on my dreams..
I want to become a mature woman...capable of loving her family...stable, with good social skills....and empathetic....not needy...strong...
I read some of my past blog entries...
And...although I know that when I write I engage myself honestly...I could not but feel that some of them sounded very much emo...
But I think that's a part of me....and I embrace it...and...I may well be sounding like an emo as I write right now...But that's OK...
I feel like I am consumed in feelings for this person that I've been seeing lately.
He teaches me so many things. I am learning what relationship between a man and a woman is about. I think I am learning what it means to be a woman and what it means to be a man.
I am learning how to trust, I am learning how to wait, I am learning how to think from the other person's perspective.
I feel so much like a woman when I am with him. I feel so me.
I just think...it's amazing...and it is...painful at the same time...I feel like I am suffocating in my throat with passion. I just think he is really beautiful.
Unfortunately he is going through a hard time right now and he cannot see me as often as I would like to see him. Sometimes he can't answer my calls or text messages. I got a little upset (and maybe a little angry), but I am learning to understand him and embrace him. I want to be a warm, nurturing and supportive presence in his life...I wish to embrace him during his hard times. I want to be there for him!
Sometimes I think maybe I am crazy or ridiculous.
I am worried about him, because there is just too much pressure on his shoulders.
I pray for him in my heart..
When I was about twenty years old or during the years that surround that age, I sort of hoped that Christianity would solve all my problems the way I wished them to be solved. It didn't. It certainly helped, but the problems were still there. At times they got worse, which seems like a regression but actually those times were leading me towards deeper healing. Sort of like a healing crisis - you see, in order to get healed, the illness needs to be revealed, rise up to the surface.
Now I am in the process of accepting the fact that I'm supposed to live with these problems. Never ending, constantly gnawing, energy-draining problems and disappointments. Life just doesn't operate my way. Christianity is teaching me that I have to mourn for my broken dreams, hopes, wishes and fantasies, accept reality and move on, and that God will be there with me throughout all the process.
There are times when I think to myself, 'ha, big deal. I want the problems to be fixed so that I can be happy' because I lack faith in how wonderous a promise it is that God avowed to 'be' with us. The Bible seems to be saying that I should be happy regardless of the problems. That I should be happy in spite of my imperfections because God said that He is well pleased in me. To be honest with you, I don't understand how this works. I make attempts to believe in it, but I don't get it. I think I should ask for help in prayers.
However I do understand that happiness seems to be strongly related to how I respond to things, not my surroundings.
Anyway, life doesn't operate my way. There is no way I can make sense out of this world or of God. And I wish to stop complaining about it. I'm overflowing with complaints.
I feel ashamed...and uneasy...insecure...
Among all the sounds of condemnation and self-deprecation...my Lord's sweet words are like life-giving water to my ears...
Remember me my Lord, and come to my rescue...Forgive me my sins and cover up my ugliness...Take pity in me and have mercy on me...
Emotional growth, which comes naturally for others, comes with such pain and struggle for me...oftentimes I feel ashamed of myself...
Although it is painful and many times the pain is overwhelming, and I used to feel that it was unfair...now faintly I can see that it is through pain that I change and grow, and that I should accept pain as a part of my life...It is through pain that I learn to stay away from pride and idolatry.
I think as I grow older I will gradually come into peace with myself and the world...I look forward to it...I think step by step I will take off the shame and learn to be myself...and perhaps, through being refined by pain, I would draw near to beauty.
(Comments) Tears... posted at 03:42 am on 06-12-2007
I am so alone...
I think it is the condition of my existence...
And I can't even put an end to it...
I strive to find meaning in life by holding on to my vision...which is to help people with autism/depression/mental disorder/low self-esteem.
But it's hard to focus...
I cry to my God...because surely, He hears my anguish...
When will you take me away?
I am in too much pain in this world...
I am too weak, my mind is breaking apart...
I am shattered...truly, I need your grace...
My soul has lost happiness.
I have no where to turn to but you.
I have no desire than to rest in your embrace...
Just hanging in there, just holding on is so difficult for me...
However, even if I feel like burning in hell fire,
Even if I am walking through the valley of death,
I put my trust in you...I believe in you...
There must be a good reason that I cannot imagine...
Hold me tight through this labor, hold my hand tight...
I have learned that my time in the desert, although I may be dying in agony, is the most intimate moment with you...
So I hold on to you...take pity in me, and please do remember me...
Thank you for letting me praise you...Although I am a sinner and my lips are tainted with lies...although my heart is deeply infected with deception...thank you for letting me praise you...to do something that is worthy with this worthless being of mine...My worth is created in your loving eyes...
I am bruised and I am lame, I am blind and deaf, yet you let me stand in your light, in the river of pure blood of salvation, and you let me praise you...Not only that you call me to do your work, to take baby steps in taking after your goodness... you call me to come near you, and in your vicinity is cool breeze of hope, peace and solace....
Now I have a clearer idea of how I should live my life...it is to serve you from unseen places with small things...it is to offer myself to you by being there for people...and share how small and flawed I am, how hurting and despairing life can be, how delightful and enlightening it is to be with you, and how great and magnificent you are...
(Comments) Tomorrow posted at 01:57 pm on 05-29-2007
Tomorrow is a new day
And I shall be born again in it
In preparation my heart is already renewed
I brew tea in your presence
I walk to the refrigerator and change my mind
As I cross the living room my eyes dwell on you
And so do yours on I
I cannot but cry at the wonder
That you should come to me
That you should speak to me
That you should walk with me
That you should be with me
That you should be interested in me
That you should look at me with kindness
That you should take on the form and sound that I may see and hear
That you should speak in the language that I may understand
That you should fit yourself to the context that I can perceive and grasp
That you should transform yourself in order to give me your everything
You let me spend time with you
You love me even though I stink and whine
Even though I am ugly and dirty with me you lie and dine
And bestow your gaze on me ever so tender and benign
I am infatuated by your gaze
I am swept into your eyes as if into a blackhole
And I swirl in your spirit
My heart bursts out shouting
You are beautiul! You are the most beautiful!
I adore you, praise you and worship you!
I put my forehead on the ground beneath your feet
For I am yours!
People mock me and condemn me
But still you come to me
I was abandoned, rejected and abhorred
Nobody would turn their face to me
But you came to me and loved me
The emptiness only you can fill you inhabited for me
Although it is difficult for a blind one to believe you are there
All I know is that your bosom is like a fresh green sparkling meadow
That when I rest my head upon it, solace and comfort is mine
Like a cool summer breeze,
Like a crystal clear babbling brook,
Like the whispering trees and grape vines...
I feel that I have done many things wrong...
I had been impatient, greedy and ungrateful...
When I look back upon myself, I am just amazed at how shallow, stupid, ignorant, and unwise a persone can be! I would squeal at the smallest discomfort, I would have zero tolerance for people while I had to rely on people's kind tolerance all the time...
My perception of reality was distorted...
It's a miracle that I made it this far!!
And I appreciate it, am grateful for it....very much...so much that I may make up for my ungratefulness in the past...
I would curse and lash out at God...
Why did I do that? Sometimes when things get hard I still do...
Why am I so flawed? It aches to think that I have hurt/angered God...
I guess...grace is like an abundant hot spring...It falls down like a waterfall...it runs narrow paths like a brook...it twirls around valleys...it is as deep as the lake...tranquil as a pond...resourceful as the never drying well...I want to immerse in it so that I may transform...
(Comments) Heart of Passion posted at 07:30 am on 04-19-2007
Listen to me sing
I am blind, I am deaf, I am dumb, and I am lame
But I look to you, crane my neck to listen to you
I stand up to sing and dance for you
You know I have no one but you
Forgive me all my imperfections
I soiled the clothe you gave me
I failed miserably
I don't understand this world
Where are you? I can't stand this
Anger is there, always ready to be resuscitated
Always ready to creep up on me
Why are these things let to happen?
If I need to be punished first,
I would leave myself to your hands
What other option could I have? I am a self-contradictory being
I wish to leave anger and anguish behind
And look to your benign light
You are beautiful, you are holy
You are my dream
I only wish to see your face
I only wish to be with you
My eternal beauty
My deepest longing
The yearning of my soul
Please come to me, for I am yours
I dance only for you
For when I dance I am with you
(Comments) Hey...I didn't know... posted at 03:08 am on 04-19-2007
I didn't know we could add links to our blogs...
This is so cool 'cause it means I can post the cool videos I find in Youtube...
This is Seppun by Nakashima Mika. I love the imagery! And her style and her voice and her makeup...Sooo coooool!
This is Adult Ceremony by Park Ji Yoon. Love the intensity...
This is Dala Dala by Lee Jung Hyun. Beautiful imagery! She is very creative and kinky...
This is Bi An Vang Trang by Ngo Thanh Van. Would like to learn Vietnamese...it sounds very sweet..
Goodbye Yesterday by Imai Miki. An empowering song that lifts you up and radiates hope.
Boa's Everlasting...great song...
(Comments) Waiting... posted at 11:44 am on 04-18-2007
I wish to find happiness in your heart...
I am waiting for your breath...
Despair whispered into my ears...
Kneeling on the streets, I look to you, crying...
People pass by, because they are not responsible for me
Because they don't see me, they don't know me
They don't have time for me
There's no room for me in their hearts, not much to care
And I am not resentful, I would have acted the same
For that's the way things are...the human heart is void of love
I just look to you crying...
If you have a heart, please listen to me...
Despair talks into my confused head...
But because I wish to find happiness in your heart
I hold on to you
I hold on to you
I see your shadows in this broken world
The horrible, the detestful and the beautiful
The abominable and the everlastingly blissful coexist
However the beautiful are only shadows
So I wait for you
Cover me with your shadow
So that my dying spirit may wake up to sobriety
Have me dance in your shadow, eternally blissful in the moment
Allow me to look to your radiant kingdom, not the abhorrent darkness
Beyond all the lies told by despair
I realized one truth
Being is the reason for being loved and no other...
People are loved because they're there...
(Comments) It's a long road... posted at 08:56 am on 04-18-2007
It's a long road..
Whoever said it would be easy?
Nobody promised you a rose garden..
I dreamt...and searched...and found out that life was going on everywhere...Which includes here as well...
You're on your way so don't get anxious or depressed...don't despair...
For I'm safe and sound in you...
Sometimes...I feel unappreciated...actually, maybe I should say oftentimes...however I think it's OK...maybe I don't have to appreciated so much in the first place...and...also because through being unappreciated I can learn to appreciate others more...And...as long as I appreciate myself...I can stay balanced and stable...shalom...namaste...shanti..shanti...peace...peace...peace...
I'm really just another emotional wreck trying to put pieces of herself together...people can think whatever they like of me...whiny, nosy, pathetic, self-absorbed, insecure, unstable...etc...people are known to be mean so it's no surprise...
I guess what holds me up is the fact that God loves me, and that now, I love myself as well...
Sometimes I'd get overwhelmed and say to God, this is too much, I can't believe you're doing this, I wanna give up...
But now I can hear(metaphorically) God rushing in his heart to soothe me and tell me that it is OK...because although the task seems overwhelming (life itself is overwhelming) He will hold my hand and guide me step by step...
I can see that God is putting a lot of work into my life...He makes great effort for everybody's life...I guess it's sort of an artistic experience for God...to create a human being and guide them through their lives...It's probably like sculpting, painting, composing, writing poetry, writing a play, setting up the stage, training the actors, and conducting the play itself...orchestrating everything...God is...the conductor of an orchestra, mesmerized and entranced by the beauty of the symphony...His eyes are half closed in appreciation and the corners of His mouth are slightly lifted in euphoria...He loves it...loves it all for the dear beauty of it...and it is all the ultimate expression of His own being...It is all very dear to Him...His creations...
I will be moving out soon but I'd almost consider staying in NYC just to listen to Dr. Timothy Keller preach...I'm sure he is sent by God to give sermons...Today's sermon was on the book of Esther...and by the end of the sermon I was all in tears...(yes, yes, that is not an unusual thing for me...but still..one can never feign tears...at least I can't) I almost always cry when I listen to Dr. Keller's sermons...it's a good idea to be equipped with a handkerchief or tissue when listening to them...
The sermon was about how much God loved us...and according to the Bible, God loves us and delights in us as a bridegroom loves and delights in his bride...Dr. Keller said that the history of the world will end in a splendid wedding banquet, when Jesus finally returns and God finally takes His beloved humanity as His bride...Just the prospective of the wedding feast made me tear up...It would be the deepest desire of my soul, my lifelong dream come true...
Dr. Keller also said that because God seems to be absent in the book of Esther, it doesn't mean that He wasn't working...and same goes with our world...although God may seem absent, He is taking care of everything...also he said that God works through ambigous, imperfect people, like Esther. That with God, our life was never plan B.
It was nice to know that God loved us and was with us all the time...the world is still a scary place but I would like to cherish the feeling...
My cat is lying on my desk...he is so cute...I'm in my night owl phase again, and along with it comes the overeating phase...I tend to have a good appetite, but last night was too much...I did a 5 minute exercise I designed for myself which makes me feel a little better...and I fed my cats...always a gratifying experience...Oh, and I have another test today, but I haven't slept at all...seriously I should get some sleep...
When I come to think of it, no wonder I have difficulties in social situations...however...my social cluelessness and passiveness is due to my personality...really, sometimes I just don't know how to interact...I am clumsy in initiating an interaction...and when I do muster up my courage and give it a try, the results tend to be not so good...
I do feel that I need to learn how to open up AND at the same time have healthy boundaries...And I should have unwavering sense of self and self-respect no matter what kind of response I get...I should be able to affirm and validate myself...rather than seeking it from outside...but affirmations from others always help...I appreciate it when I get them...Also, it is important not to expect too much from others...
It's hard to be the warm, outgoing person...oftentimes I'm worried if I am being intrusive or annoying...I lack the ability to make close, long-lasting bonds...but I am trying...I enjoy being by myself...but I also agree that solitairy existence is not healthy...
I feel comfortable with one of my classmates....she is much older than I am, but I wish we could be good friends that last...I also have several artist friends that I wish to keep in touch with...I feel lucky to have those people in my life...:)
(Comments) Water... posted at 09:04 pm on 04-13-2007
I immerse myself in you
I drink you in with my every pore, with every surface of my skin
You flow down my throat, quenching the thirst of a burning desert
You cleanse and soothe, embrace and caress
How delightful your sounds are!
I listen to you bounce and flow
I like you hot, I like you cold
I like you cool and I like you slow
I like you stormy and and I like you bold
Swirling fast and taking with you everything of which you take hold
Sing with me in waterfalls
Dance with me in fountains
Fall into trance with me in deep oceans
Hug me tight in blessed hotsprings
Wherever you are I shall go, for you bring love and joy to me
I shall reminisce fondly of you in peaceful evenings
Teach me your songs
The city my heart is planning on leaving
I jump into your flow, entrusting myself to you
Let me be a part of your dreams and adventures
And participate with you in your fresh return ever recurring!
Somebody from this forum announced that she would leave...and I feel sad...I hope she returns, but I respect whatever she decides for herself...When I look back upon my experiences, I can see that in some cases, leaving things behind and starting afresh could be a better choice...Like therapy sessions...you engage in them for a certain period of time and leave them, never to return to the relationship...So...if she decides not to come back, I will believe that she made the best choice for herself...but I do hope she comes back...I just feel sad...
A character I made for roleplaying...I decided to save it just in case...:)
Name : Amamiya Sayuri
Sex : female. however rumor has it that her twin brother who died at birth resides with her in her body. dominant personality is Sayuri. The sibilings have a mysterious connection with a Celtic princess whose brother died during war and was buried in the river. The connection is beyond time and space. It could be that they are mirror images or it could be that they are incarnations of each other.
Age : unknown. however has the appearance of a nineteen year old.
Height : 5'
Weight : 110 lb
Kami (Kami are gods from Shinto mythology) : Hikaru kawaboshi no mikoto, Kaguya niwaboshi no mikoto
Appearance : Long black straight hair which overflows like a waterfall. Small, round, white oval face. Long, black, amiable eyes which have mysterious/benevolent air about them. Wears white silk robe with red dress underneath. Sort of resembles the Heian court ladies. has a cute fleshy (but not overweight) body which is small and dainty. small delicate hands with fingers narrowing on the tips. small, full, pink lips that are almost red. big ears with large earlobes. small feet. shoulders that slope downwards.
Weapons : prayers, spells, charms, shining katana made of ethereal crystal
Other Skills : writing and reciting poetry, especially haiku. has beautiful handwriting. dancing ritual dances. conducting rituals. ritual movements
Magic Abilities : telepathy, can summon/contact spiritual beings. can communicate with animals, especially cats, birds, snakes, foxes and spiders. in her childhood a fox killed her cat and she made a contract with the fox to keep the spirit of her cat. The fox was of divine origin and intended to take the spirit of the cat with him. It is not clear what Sayuri gave up to the fox in order to make the spirit of her cat stay. After the incident she was endowed with the ability to communicate with animals.
For Kami I put down the guardian deities...
(Comments) And the leaf left its bough... posted at 04:33 am on 04-10-2007
Prayer changes nothing, but then it changes everything because it changes myself. Even if I pray with all my might to the point my perspiration turns into blood, God will carry out His plan, not mine. This does not mean that God is rigid and unrelatable, because there are examples in the Bible which shows God altering His original plan after consulting a sincere prayer. However, the object of prayer is not to coax or pressure God into doing something or changing His ways...it is about being with God...and changing MY ways...It is about being transformed... I into His image... rather than Him into mine...
I was born with a giving and open disposition. These qualities made me unstable. I was aware of it so I became very protective of myself, which made me suffocate within the walls of my own world...but from time to time I wouldn't be able to contain myself and I would spill out...when I gave I could not but give wholly. I didn't know how to protect myself. I didn't know how to leave a safety zone for myself. I was honest to the bottom of my soul and I was truly there, present with my entire body, mind and soul. I didn't know how to respect myself. I didn't know how to be cunning and calculating. I needed someone to love me and protect me. I was thrown in this world and I didn't have claws or fangs or horns or scales. I was like a naked baby, a new born lamb. And I just expected that people would be good and caring. I believed that I would be able to see God in people. In other words, I was plain stupid.
Now I understand the 'somebody' that I've been waiting for, so earnestly searching for, the 'someone' who would love me and protect me, is only and truly God Himself. And on this realization I stand strong and stable, on my own. Because of you I am strong. Because of you I am stable.
Now, I face forgiveness. These people who hurt me...
It is not their fault that they hurt me. It's just that they were imperfect human beings. It is my responsibility that I got hurt. I should have carried myself wisely. I was imperfect as well. I realize that I don't have any right to be angry at these people. Nor do I have any right to judge them in any way.
Being myself, I imagine calling them up and giving them presents and inviting them to meals....but now I am able to be hesitant....Even though I am stupid, finally I have learned that giving is meaningless!! You can't expect anything. Giving is just giving. Your time, your money, your energy, your heart, yourself, whatever it is that you invest in order to give, will be truly taken away from you and will be gone, with no compensation! It is futile! So now I can say, don't give away like that what is yours. Respect yourself. Don't put yourself through this. You are valuable and worthy. And I believe in these words and I am glad that I am able to say this to myself....
Then I found myself crying in God's bosom...
What I can give to these people, probably doesn't mean anything to them...My forgiveness? They couldn't be less interested...I know it's all petty and unimportant...but it's in my nature to want to give...and even though I reckon that giving is such a useless, futile activity, it makes me cry that I can give what little I have without fearing or resenting the futility, because now I base myself upon God. Becaues I am within God's embrace, I can give...and it is OK...it is meaningful...just like that...
Because of you, I can give...because of you, I can forgive...Yes, I was unwise, I was selfish, I created those situations for myself... Maybe in your eyes I did more wrong than those people...I don't know, I am not wise enough to make a judgment...but I was hurt...and I thank you for understanding me...listening to me...for healing me...It is YOU who gave me a voice...Because I hold your hand I can forgive...it's hard to explain but it's as simple as that...Because of you...
My heart is full because now it is offered only to you...
I do not worship idols anymore or burn incense for them...You opened my blind eyes and helped me realize that to adore an idol is like casting pearls in front of a swine...Thank you for freeing me from the idols...I believe that you will continue your good work within me...
(Comments) Memories of Spring posted at 11:59 pm on 04-07-2007
I remember the spring you sent me a long time ago
It was filled with red and fragrant roses,
Green leaves, caterpillars and posies
When spring is around the corner
It is as if my heart is transplanted with a new one
It is the heart that beated a long time ago when you sent me the radiant season
Aglow and peaceful beyond any reason
You kindle joy and awe in my spirit and have it singing and dancing
For you make radiant every being
You create value and balance in everything
You awaken me so that I may remember the here and now
You breathe into me so that I am reminded that I exist
You are present and that is what does matter
You fill my cup with honey-golden elixir
(Comments) Next Wave posted at 10:49 pm on 04-07-2007
Awaiting the next wave
I wash my feet in reverence and kneel before you
My deep ocean, I dip my ankles in your lovely body
You fill my cup with elixir of honey gold
I wait for the next wave which will take me into the depths of your heart
The day before yesterday, leaving home ...I had the calm realization that I shall be leaving this city...
I love this city and hope to return to it someday...but for now I am leaving it behind and forgetting about it...when I return I will have a new name and it will have a new name as well...
I thought...that death might feel like this...moving on...leaving to a new place...with a new name and new meaning...
Everything resolved and washed away...forgiven and forgotten...like a film watched a long time ago which left only a blurry impression in my mind...
This vague sense of nostalgia...missing something...somebody...
I remember a scene from my life where I was about to go to a jazz concert with my friend...
Of course, nothing is meaningful...there's no reason...it's no biggy...but vaguely I miss something...and I say blessings for you in my mind...
I am breathing and I hold on to the possibility of eternal solace....
I like Amalia Rodriquez...when she sings sad melodies...it is so sweet...
(Comments) Remembrance posted at 09:04 am on 03-26-2007
When the music flows,
I feel like I can remember
My faraway hometown, forgotten in my own heart
The place where I belong
The place where I belong
I am always arriving and aspiring to arrive,
It is infinitely near and everlastingly far away
My heart pours out to the void
For it cannot help the pressure, blood is made of liquid
My Void, you are full of eternity and entirety
My heart is ripped open
Let me die in your palm
It just came to me...
The way I am right now...
anxious, depressed, unable to find my place in the world, ridiculously childish, dependent, unable to make a living, awkward social skills, periodical night owl phase which messes up my life and puts me on the edge all the time...disability regarding relationship...etc..etc..
They might not change! No matter how hard I pray...or say affirmations to myself...or hate myself...They may change but it is also possible that they may not.
I have to accept the way I am and be prepared for ME...*sigh*
God doesn't work the way I would like Him to work. He doesn't give me the things I wanted or asked for, He gives what He wants to give...
There were times when I earnestly prayed for something and it didn't happen...actually most of the time...
All I have is the assurance that God is with me all the time...and I guess that is enough...
Sometimes it seems that God adores the human imperfection...Maybe angels were just too perfect and God got bored...Maybe I'm meant to be imperfect, and my imperfection makes me more endearing in the eyes of God...Oh welll...
I don't want to repeatedly feel how incapable I am in adjusting to this world...
(Comments) Who am I? posted at 09:36 am on 03-22-2007
Who am I?
Where am I going?
I cannot tell...
Your computer is infected
And the world is deteriorating
Everything is slowly falling apart and fading away
When a young green seedling sprouted into the world, hatched into the world...
I used to believe that I was non-existent. I felt I was voiceless. I felt that I didn't deserve to be happy... I felt that I didn't deserve to exist...
Now it's different. I feel that I am existent. I have a voice. I deserve to be happy. It's perfectly OK that I exist.
And only after the transition did my ego shrink to its normal size, and at last I really see how small I am....at last I am more in touch with reality.
I was never good at being tolerant. Yes, I have a petty mind...I was never good at really loving somebody...I'm not sure if I will be able to handle living with somebody...
I have no idea and sometimes the thought of it is scary and I feel like crying...but I wish to try...one step at a time...so if you hear me, please help me God...sometimes I feel like your help is being delivered in packages that are too small...*giggle*
(Comments) Morning posted at 01:44 am on 03-19-2007
When was the last morning,
Crisp, fresh, and hopeful?
When time was not dreary and being was vibrant
When the universe was full of potential,
The dreams profound and succulent.
You were like a hummingbird then!
Now I am tired of the gray aloneness
Weary of the depressing disconnectedness
Come, morning star, I wish to blossom like a lilly
Embrace your white shadowy being gracefully
Open new doors for me
I shall be strong and dancing
My child shall drowse peacefully in my belly
(Feb. 25. 2007)
(Comments) Celebration... posted at 01:00 am on 03-19-2007
Celebrate having a body with dancing!
Doesn't matter what other people think...
Doesn't matter what your mind says...
Body moves and feels the grooves...
The joy of being...feeling the moment...
You exist in time and space, your presence radiates!
Light is poring down into you
And when you look up, you are connected with the Great Source
You are utterly alone on stage, splendid and abandoned
Nobody cares about you and all your pores are aware of it
Yet you drink in the cruelty, the objectification, the indifference and the nothing! Nothing!
And you are safe and sane, firmly connected and intact
You are burning in the light
(Comments) At Dawn... posted at 07:23 am on 03-18-2007
At dawn, before sunrise
I wake up to your call, I open my eyes
I couldn't see you in the faces of pastors and priests and congregations
But your image is engraved in my heart, embedded in my spine
My soul is an imprint of your spirit and forever for you I shall pine
For even when I am infinitely near you, you are eternally away
I wonder how you sustain every being, I shall never fathom your ways
Oh Holy One, take pity in me
Hide me in the deepest of your heart, the only place I belong
This connection I have with you is how I breathe, how I am contained
How I am consoled, satisfied and maintained
And it is beyond my awareness, I am as good as blind
I am scared and trembling inside my pathetic mind
So please hide me in your boundless womb
Plant me in your protective bosom
Inter me in my sweet tomb
(Comments) Indirect interaction... posted at 06:00 am on 03-17-2007
I find that I tend to prefer indirect interaction...such as the internet or e-mail....I'm all for boundaries and healthy distances..
I feel that it is safer not to be too open or giving. It is important to stand up and fight for yourself...It is always safer and wiser to keep the distance and not to get to know the person too much, and not to show yourself too much either...
Because in general and oftentimes, people are crap and shit's what we bring...to say it bluntly....(I'm not saying that people can't be good or great...I believe we can still be good friends and find meaningful relationships/friendships amongst all our imperfections...)and we all can't help it...'cause we are imperfect...we can get very destructive and not even be quite aware of what we are doing, then have no clue how to be responsible or take care of the consequences, rather than to strive to save our own pathetic asses.
It would be wonderful to be able to grow to the point where I can accept and even support the imperfections of the people I interact with...I feel that that is what having a family must be all about...Then again I acknowledge my own imperfection as well and I understand that it should be a cooperative process....where each member contributes to the dance as a whole...
Now I understand several things in human interaction...
Don't expect to be close friends...
Don't expect to be accepted...
Don't expect to be appreciated or understood...
Don't expect too much...
Be content (and grateful to God) for being treated politely and humanely...
Appreciate that nobody is bullying or abusing you at the moment...
Remember you are not the center of the world and don't get surprised when people forget about you or ignore you or put you down.
Don't be jealous that everyone else is having a life and focus on finding yours, for surely you have one as well...
Don't take things too seriously...
Don't take things personally...
Life's not grand, oftentimes it's petty, everything passes by and nothing really matters...and God loves all things in spite of everything...or maybe it was God's intention in the first place...
So remember and be grateful for the little things in life...
Appreciate things as much as possible for even those will be gone soon...
Life is too short, try to focuse on being happy and grateful...
Focus on the beauty, goodness and miracle of being...of living...
I guess I'm learning how to be around people...to control my emotions and keep it peaceful and balanced...It's a long and painful process...
I guess it's all about keeping the delicate balance in human interaction...dancing the dance gracefully.
As Jerry Newport said in his book, Mozart and the Whale, it is likely that people with AS will be social late bloomers, and most important of all is to accept and love myself first... I feel that this is an invaluable piece of wisdom...sort of linked to the saying that every treasure comes from within...from yourself...
(Comments) Finished reading Mozart and the Whale... posted at 05:20 am on 03-16-2007
I finished reading Mozart and the Whale, and I think now I'm ready to watch the movie...I don't know how to describe with a few words the lives these individuals went through...Especially, Mary's side of the story was very intense...I marvel at the way she survived and managed to look at the positive side of life...How she maintained contact with the reservoir of strength she had deep down inside...How she was able to look beyond the mundane and draw visions from the spiritual reality...How she held on to her own faith...It was a heartbreaking and a remarkable story...
Anyway, it seems that they are living their lives to the fullest...whether it is going downhill or uphill...It seems that both Mary and Jerry Newport view their lives as a meaningful journey, and it seems that there is happiness in their hearts...I guess that's what matters most...
(Comments) Hmm... posted at 05:47 am on 03-12-2007
Someone from this forum accused me with harsh words. Although the person had mistaken me for another person, the words were very hurtful. Plus, now I feel like I can't fully trust people here because I keep thinking is this the person? Is this the person? because the person that accused me had created a different username to post the accusations.
I feel that I am unable to post in this forum freely anymore. It's not a new thing for me to feel rejected.
I used to write in a gloomy mood and talk about negative, depressing things, but I found out it was no use. What I learned is that in the end nobody cares and nobody can really help and I need to find strength in myself and God. So I started the positivity thing and this is what I run into. A crazy, twisted accusation. But I'm not giving up the positivity thing I started.
People are no different whether they are NTs or aspies. They all have mean/cruel/heartless sides that are indifferent to the pains of others. I admit I have them too, although I believe I would never consciously inflict pain on someone else as I have been done to by this accuser, because I know how much it hurts (or maybe this is a proud statement in God's eyes...I haven't been able to do away with pride, I guess). I am guessing that probably he/she had a good reason to act that way...maybe he/she was suffering in this world, the depth and detail of which I would not be able to fathom. However he/she has been abusive, which I find to be the trait of this world.
I also feel that only God can pay back the wrong doings and mend tortured souls...God loves the wrongdoers. He forgives them and blesses them and offers them eternal salvation and pays all their debts for them. He resents when the person hurt by the perpetrator gets angry or hateful, because that is just as serious a sin as the abuse done by the perpetrator. This is not to say that what was done by the perpetrator is condoned. However, no human being is capable of being totally responsible of their deeds. No human being can fully mend the damage they had done. What is done is done and what is broken is broken. Only God can make things right.
My question is, why would God choose such a complicated path? Why give humans the freedom to do destructive things that they will never be able to be fully responsible for and then God himself goes through all the pain to mend the wrongdoing? Plus, the victims get to suffer as well. Well, it is great consolation to know that God is suffering with the sufferers...but until when will all this suffering on earth last? Is not the Almighty One cognizant that although with Him time is nonexistent, us humans are gripped by the tight clutch of time and that sometimes things can get extremely unbearable?
Well, I heard someone say that when Jesus and His disciples were on the boat in a stormy night, and Jesus was sleeping in the boat and the disciples got all frightened and woke Him up and asked Him to quiet the storm and He did, the main point was not that Jesus had all the majesty and power to calm the roaring sea, but that Jesus was there in the boat with the disciples ready to sink WITH them. Well, I think it's something very valuable for me because it's very helpful to feel Jesus' presence with me when I am hurt and in anguish. I do so love my Savior...and nothing can separate me from Him, for even when my heart fails in fear I believe that He will hold onto me.
(Comments) Prayer for today.... posted at 12:25 am on 03-08-2007
I thank you God
For the water that I drank
For the air I breathed in and out
For every bite that I ate
For the support of the earth and gravity
For the light that brightens up the world
For the warm tingling vitality of the sun
For the sweet serenity of the moon
For every person that I met and chatted with
For every stranger that peacefully passed by
For every family and friend that loves me, supports me and teaches me how to live
For your wrath that brings me back to the right path
For the hardships that temper me so that I may become like pure gold
I thank you for being with me through all the loneliness, hurts, blunders and despair
For turning even evil and mistakes into something good and beautiful like you
For helping me accept myself and the world the way they are
For blessing me so that I may exist in peace
For teaching me to put out the flames of anger
For giving me wisdom one by one so that I may survive
For bestowing on me the companionship of two cats
For endowing movement and liveliness in my life
For allowing me to see and read
For empowering me to dance with my whole being
For enabling me to walk with two strong legs
I thank you for the health you gave me
For every step that I took in life
And for the countless other things that I cannot completely list
My heart is full of gratefulness like a well full of water
I thank you, I thank you, and I praise you
You are good.
(Comments) Beauty of life... posted at 08:10 pm on 03-03-2007
There are moments...although they may seem irrevelant and abrupt...when the beauty of life becomes real to my soul...
Like this evening, I said hello to an elderly lady who lives in our building...she was walking slowly and as I was walking past her, we asked each other if our cats were doing OK. The sky was darkening into deep blue, and I could see the silhouette of the street lamps and trees against it. That was the moment.
There's this person who is trying to put me down...because (I think) we both have the same issue of feeling insecure about ourselves or having low self-esteem...She is a sweet person, and I don't have any problem dealing with her...I just acknowledge her behavior and tell myself that I'm not letting myself down. I know some people feel they can put me down or take advantage of me, but I also reckon that none of it happens as long as I don't let it.
Ingrid Michaelson's CDs that I ordered the other day arrived...and I found out that I like ruby-red grapefruit juice better than lemon colored grapefruit juice.
Amongst every turmoil...I believe that God will give me what is best for me...thus is the divine provision....
(Comments) Doing OK posted at 08:24 pm on 03-02-2007
If someone were to ask me how are you
I would say I am doing OK
I am doing OK
Because I learned to find contentment in life as it is
To appreciate the small things in life
And to be grateful for life for the miracle and grace it is
I am doing OK
Because I learned that life wasn't big or perfect after all
That it was about the small things of everyday life
Because I learned that people are not to be relied on
That everything and everyone passes by
And that with a little help I can always clean up the mess I made
Because I learned to hold on to hope on the verge of dispair
To open my arms toward the dreams even when things are lame and grey
For I realized that life was largely about waiting everyday
So beloved one, do not worry
I am doing OK
(Comments) Good Morning... posted at 09:33 am on 02-26-2007
I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson "The way I am" and the song makes me feel like dancing... I love her songs...I'm also reading an ultra-funny play called "Beyond Therapy." It makes me laugh out loud...My cat is on my desk looking at me so sweet...I did this cat kiss thing that I learned from another catlover...It's to focus on your cat, slowly blink, and focus on you cat again, mentally saying "I, love, you" on each stage...It's a good morning...I'm looking forward to august...I will graduate by then...and get licensed within this year...I will be able to get a job! Self-employment! Looking forward to the future...It's good to be alive...
(Comments) Self worth... posted at 04:50 am on 02-24-2007
I think, if you can make one person happy throughout your life, or if you can help one person throughout your life, or if you can be present throughout your life for one person, you are doing something greatly valuable. Doing so for a short period of time is also worthwhile.
It's easy to aim to influence a lot of people, it's easy to think in terms of 'the public' or 'the mass' or 'the people.' However, although influencing a lot of people is oftentimes very valuable, human in general cannot love and be responsible for a lot of people. To do so is divine capacity. And it is the deep love which is willing to be responsible for the whole being of a person that does the 'real' work. It is that kind of love that forms the core of a person and brings out true life from within. All other efforts, although they are extremely valuable, are oftentimes fleeting and peripheral. They could inspire or motivate, they could temporarily alleviate pains or offer solace, and these are all very much needed, however the true solution and strength comes from another source...life-giving love...the sacrificial love...or the core of the being...whether they be of divine or human (either from oneself or others) origin.
It is the one person or several persons that are truly important to you that will make your life meaningful and enriching. Those are the people who can truly awaken the human within you.
My worth...blossoms when I love and help people...It gets stable and grounded when I love and help those that are meaningful to me...It's like a focal point in life...anchor of my being...
Evey time I feed my cats I feel that I am doing something of great value...
When I make pancakes, I feel worthy as well...
(Comments) I just made a promise with somebody special... posted at 04:08 am on 02-24-2007
I just made a promise with somebody that I care about... That I would be happy, always be consciously happy, strive to be happy even in times when I feel like i can't. So, I promised, I made up my mind to be happy. It seems that every moment you can choose to be happy. I don't want to let the person down, so I made up my mind to be a ball of warm, fuzzy happiness emitting hope, affirmation, joy, and pleasance whenever we are together, whatever the odds. This is a new sort of consciousness for me...to embrace happiness...to be a source of strength and positivity...to be the well of hope and joy...
I like staying at home...cuddling with my cats, eating until my stomach is full (of course, this is an unhealthy habit and I am trying to correct it...I'm praying for God's help), reading, writing, relaxing, and sleeping. My home is my sanctuary. But I know I have to go out there and fight. A person cannot stay inside the womb. I am able to face my day with a stronger mindset. I am powerful.
(Comments) This morning... posted at 09:10 am on 02-20-2007
This morning...after a long emotional turmoil, I am feeling peaceful. I am able to think positive thoughts and say hopeful prayers asking for guidance, especially in this opening of a new phase of life. I am able to make plans to go to the gym and take care of my diet/sleep schedule, which I haven't been doing for couple of weeks. I am able to pray for others and not be hurt by the painful memories. It is strange...that the people whom my heart has been accusing of hurting me can at one moment be contemplated in a peaceful, tranquil mindset...I can pray for the best for them, that God's blessings and guidance would be showered on them. And the pain and accusations are just gone. It's not even an issue of being able to forgive them. The hurtful memories are no longer important, and it's not to say that it is OK or not important that I get hurt. It's more like...being free...acknowledging the human imperfection, mine and theirs.
Most of the time, I guess I'm caught up in myself, but at some moments I realize that being 'me' is probably not as important. And I ponder the wonders of existing as an individual. We seem separate, but it is the heart that connects us. I had been so frozen, and maybe to a great degree I still am, but I am also discovering the power of my heart. I read from a book once, that to the depth you can get angry or hateful, you can love and care for others. The intensity of the negative emotions actually shows the capacity of your heart. It was helpful to know that.
I am happy that I am humble and meek, that I can meet people from an equal standing, not below them or above them, that I am learning social skills, that I can pray and read the Bible, that I am starting to understand and love myself, and that I am opening up to the wonders of God and this world.
(Comments) Sometimes... posted at 10:52 pm on 02-16-2007
Nowadays, sometimes...I feel like celebrating myself...I feel like celebrating my resiliency in having made it this far...to this moment! Although compared to "normal" standards I am probably late in some of my developments/advancements, I still feel like celebrating myself... There had been moments when I felt that I could not go any further, that I could not take it any more...It's still not easy...but I made it up to now! There were moments when I felt that I terribly lacked resiliency...that my reservoir of strength was empty...or, that I didn't have a reservoir at all...But here I am now! I feel like celebrating myself, my existence, my strength... I understand now what some people told me couple of years ago...they said that I was a strong girl...I didn't believe it then, but now I know what they meant. I am a survivor, at least up to now. I don't know what will happen in the future...
I am grateful about my survival, because I admit with all my heart that I couldn't have made it up to now had it not been for God, family, friends and so many supportive, kind or loving moments with various people.
I get the feeling that life is probably so much more than I have ever experienced or could ever imagine. I also get the feeling that a wonderful future is about to unfold. It's as if I am looking toward a dimly lit horizon with the newly rising sun right underneath it, after going through a long, dark tunnel.
Cheers for the survivors! Cheers for you and me!
(Comments) Almost at the end of a long week posted at 07:55 pm on 02-16-2007
It's been a long week. Living each day is like fighting. It is also at the same time a remarkable experience, but extremely exhausting, too.
I used to feel so utterly alone, but now, I believe more firmly that I am with God. God is the only post I hold onto in this ongoing fierce and difficult battle. I try not to blame anyone because we are all just imperfect humans. They don't have the power to love me fully, just as I am incapable of it.
I can see that religion and doctrines can be used as violent tools to oppress people. Sometimes it can be used for evil with no human being to be responsible for the consequences. I guess when I speak of God, it is the God that I have a personal relationship with. The God who helps me and loves me and makes me exist. I hope mentioning God does not offend anyone.
Anyway, the struggle that I had to go through for life seemed meaningless many times. Now it has a meaning because of God's love. I'm not a priest or anything, I'm just a layperson, holding onto God for love, assurance, kindness, healing, and restoration.
(Comments) The 'right planet'? posted at 05:23 pm on 02-11-2007
I like the name 'Wrong Planet.' It makes me think..could there be a 'right planet' for me somewhere out there? I mean, maybe I have communication skills or communication languages which don't fit into this planet. Maybe in my 'right planet' I will be an empathetic communicator. Maybe it's just that our languages are different, like being in a foreign country that speaks a foreign toungue.
I guess when I was younger I truly yearned for the 'right planet' or 'other world'. I believed in them. I could find them in nature, imagination, fantasy novels, beautiful songs, theaters, mangas, animes, and animated films.
Now I know that I need to find my way and place in 'this world,' that is to say, in reality. And I feel that it's not as bad as I used to think it would be.
(Comments) Wow...a new journal! posted at 06:45 am on 02-11-2007
I loved journals since I was little...there's something thrilling and inspiring about those spaces in which I am allowed to express myself. I'm happy there's a place like this on the web for people like me...well, not exactly alike but sharing similar concerns. It's like as if there is a place for me to 'be', which usually I have a hard time finding in the world.
I'm praying to God that he would give me the gift of 'empathy' because I really need it. My prayers are whole-hearted beyond imagination. I hope He listens to me. I really need to be able to connect with others, and be mutually loving, caring and supportive.