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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4599
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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 Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 3:58 pm Post subject: |
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We have a bit in common, Pandora.
I was switching channels one evening, and there was a programme about the last days of Hanoi and the Vietnam war. There was a narrator between long clips with just the sounds the cameras captured. It was quite different from the usual documentary. I started getting teary watching the growing crowds begging the US GI's to let them into the embassy compound. I've seen all this many times before, but somehow the ambient sounds made me want to cry...
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I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go. ~Theodore Roethke |
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Starr
Phoenix
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Joined: Sep 18, 2006
Posts: 4244
Location: the misty mountain
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| Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 5:35 pm Post subject: |
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Anything on the news with children either hungry or with that haunted look like they've seen too much for their young age makes me cry. I want to get on a plane and take them food or get medicine to them. I hate to see adults suffering too, and animals, but kids suffering really gets to me.
Music makes me cry sometimes too. Tchaikovsky, especially. |
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Pandora
Cat Lady
Joined: Jun 18, 2005
Age: 47
Posts: 4684
Location: Townsville
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| Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:44 am Post subject: |
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| Prof_Pretorius wrote: | We have a bit in common, Pandora.
I was switching channels one evening, and there was a programme about the last days of Hanoi and the Vietnam war. There was a narrator between long clips with just the sounds the cameras captured. It was quite different from the usual documentary. I started getting teary watching the growing crowds begging the US GI's to let them into the embassy compound. I've seen all this many times before, but somehow the ambient sounds made me want to cry... |
Yes, those poor people!
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Break out you Western girls,
Someday soon you're gonna rule the world.
Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
"Western Girls" - Dragon
I am banned  |
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outlander
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 10, 2007
Age: 63
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 11:59 pm Post subject: What are the basics ??? |
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I have read enough in this forum to think that this is the correct place to post this.
My wife and I have recently come to the conclusion that AS is certainly the explanation for my many quirks. We are both 62 and married 41 years to each other and only each other. So I guess that constitutes a committed relationship. Now that we have a handle on this thing; I am picking up insights into what has been going on with me all this time and some things that maybe I can do about it. But I am also picking up insights about communication problems we have always had. She sometimes regards the AS thing as a useless piece of information because she sees no useful application of the information and thinks that I will use the AS designation as an excuse to say "thats the way I am" and then not work to change things in problem areas.
She is strongly disinclined to use the internet for anything other than e-mail and not much of that. I on the other hand have spend much time in the Wrong Planet forums because it is such a relief to see that others have the same problems and characteristics and can provide insights that may be of use to me. It is like a sigh of relief to find others like me and it helps me make more sense of things. I tend to hide my browsing of the sites from her because she seems to think that I am wasting time on the topic. I read her a few clips now and then when it has relevance to something that is a problem for the two of us.
She loves me very much and is tolerant but she imputes ill motives to many of the things she thinks I am doing. It is really frustrating because I have no such agenda ! It is a perception driven by her being NT and me being AS. Oddly she has a bunch of personality quirks of her own but they do not match AS at all. If I could understand her set of quirks as I am coming to understand my own, It would help a lot.
SUMMARIZING MY QUESTION TO YOU ALL:
Can you give me run down on the basics of being an AS husband trying to optimize his relationship with his NT wife? (Yeah, I know that's kind of a tall order, I hope its not too unrealistic)
P.S. Some of her key quirks:
--Very quiet
--Reclusive, Enjoys solitude, Avoids interaction with others. Shy!
--Impaired ability to show affection physically, Compensates by doing things for others
--Almost cannot initiate any show of affection in any situation, no matter how private.
--Feels unappreciated
--Insists on being independent, and is loathe to ask for assistance, even rejecting it when it is sincerely offered spontaneously to an obvious need
--Reluctant to share her feelings
--Thinks that any inquiry by me about her thoughts or choices is an attempt to judge them or berate her.
--Really has trouble believing that when I say something that I mean exactly what I said and that I don't have some ulterior motive or agenda.
_________________
The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
All the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come. Thou shalt call, and I will answer
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4599
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm, being an ASpie hubs with a (suspected) NT wife.
I've had to get things organized to a far greater degree than ever. Particularly our finances. She would ask if I was spending money recklessly. Turns out I was just buying a bit too many bags of crisps here and there, and it added up.
But I understand your wife "attributing" intentions, when in fact it's something you're doing without thinking.
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I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go. ~Theodore Roethke |
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outlander
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 10, 2007
Age: 63
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 9:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Prof_Pretorius wrote: | | ... I understand your wife "attributing" intentions, when in fact it's something you're doing without thinking. |
It is not so much that I am not thinking but rather that I am thinking differently. 
_________________
The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
All the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come. Thou shalt call, and I will answer
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4599
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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I run into the same thing, Outlander. We're having some work done on our house, and I've learned not to say "what if they built that such and such a way?" The Missus looks at me like I'm daft. Then she responds something like "that would look bloody awful". She has a good eye for design, so I've learned to trust her ideas. If the workers did what I suggested, the place would end up looking like the Addam's Family house.
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I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go. ~Theodore Roethke |
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outlander
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 10, 2007
Age: 63
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:37 pm Post subject: Very timely indeed |
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Prof Pretorius,
Your example is a timely reinforcement indeed. We are buying a house that needs some "updates" and I am in the same operating mode that you have adopted. I may have the edge on you however because my wife's negative responses don't come across as so harsh, but rather more like dismay that I could be so clueless. My wife also has good instincts for what will work well and what will not when it comes to the domestic environment.
_________________
The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
All the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come. Thou shalt call, and I will answer
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Trigger11
Shikamaru Nara
Joined: May 19, 2007
Posts: 7137
Location: Hidden Leaf Village
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| Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 2:04 pm Post subject: |
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Marriage...  !
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I won’t tell anyone else how to be
You can be yourself, but just let me be me |
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Rynessa
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 02, 2007
Posts: 319
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| Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 12:06 am Post subject: |
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| My husband has, within the last 6 months or so, taken to telling me to "cheer up" several times a day. Nine times out of ten, I'm fine. I'm getting tired of it. Plus I feel like I'm bringing him down. Then again, I wonder if he's projecting his own unhappiness onto me. The last thing I want to do is put on a fake smiley face in my own home. |
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Weirdobird
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 12, 2007
Posts: 215
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| Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 6:31 pm Post subject: Re: New, questions |
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| tbone82 wrote: |
I just wanted to know if you guys had any advice about controlling myself when I get frustrated and angry that things are not going the way I expect. The other night, my wife and I were just going to bed, and she got sad about something, thinking it was her fault. I totally flipped out because I couldn't get her to accept that it wasn't her fault and she had nothing to be sad about. I always want her to be happy, but it was like that night I just wanted to force happiness on her because I didn't expect sadness; it was out of the routine. I won't go into detail about the actual events, but things got pretty ugly by our standards. How can I not do this in the future?
Normally, I am pretty easy going, try to go with the flow, do what will make her (and everyone else) happy. There are just these times when things don't happen the way I plan them, and I get bothered. I think this may have something to do with the fights my parents had when I was a kid--I don't remember ever knowing what their arguments were about though.
Thanks for any advice you can give  |
Hi, I use meridian therapy just before (if I can catch it in the half-second needed) my outburst, OR during, as it calms it down very quickly. It only involves a rapid physical action designed to reduce the anger. It looks stupid, but it can't possibly be more stupid than my outbursts used to be - nothing can. Also my partner knows that I'm doing something about it and that it will be over very soon, which it is these days. If you want a link, just PM me |
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Starr
Phoenix
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Joined: Sep 18, 2006
Posts: 4244
Location: the misty mountain
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| Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 5:14 am Post subject: |
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| Rynessa wrote: | | My husband has, within the last 6 months or so, taken to telling me to "cheer up" several times a day. Nine times out of ten, I'm fine. I'm getting tired of it. Plus I feel like I'm bringing him down. Then again, I wonder if he's projecting his own unhappiness onto me. The last thing I want to do is put on a fake smiley face in my own home. |
I know what you mean with this. I get 'you're very quiet, what's up?' a lot, when nothing's wrong at all. My husband and other family members assume that when I'm very quiet, something is wrong. As though the quietness is a response to something in the outer world, or unhappiness about something they've said, when I'm either just zoning out, or thinking about something. I can only assume that NT's are always unconsciously checking each others' body/facial language, and it upsets them when they don't see what they expect. In other words, what they would read as unhappiness in another NT is not that at all for an Aspie. Maybe? |
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Weirdobird
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 12, 2007
Posts: 215
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| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Starr wrote: | | Rynessa wrote: | | My husband has, within the last 6 months or so, taken to telling me to "cheer up" several times a day. Nine times out of ten, I'm fine. I'm getting tired of it. Plus I feel like I'm bringing him down. Then again, I wonder if he's projecting his own unhappiness onto me. The last thing I want to do is put on a fake smiley face in my own home. |
I know what you mean with this. I get 'you're very quiet, what's up?' a lot, when nothing's wrong at all. |
I'm glad my partner and family know nothing's up, but I get this a lot in the street, just walking around. I'd hate to have to plaster a smile across my face all the time, including at home. Bad enough walking down the street, etc. Jaw-ache. |
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BazzaMcKenzie
Wild colonial man
Joined: Aug 22, 2006
Age: 48
Posts: 3695
Location: the Antipodes
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| Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 12:40 am Post subject: |
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| Rynessa wrote: | | My husband has, within the last 6 months or so, taken to telling me to "cheer up" several times a day. Nine times out of ten, I'm fine. I'm getting tired of it. Plus I feel like I'm bringing him down. Then again, I wonder if he's projecting his own unhappiness onto me. The last thing I want to do is put on a fake smiley face in my own home. |
Could it be its just a figure of speech he's picked up from someone? Long time ago I used to work with someone who would often say "don't panic". If something was dropped, or if the kitchen had run out of milk or anything trivial, he would like to say "don't panic". I started copying him.
Could it just be like that?
In reply, you could complete the quote for him:
".... worse things happen at sea" 
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I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.
Strewth!
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BazzaMcKenzie
Wild colonial man
Joined: Aug 22, 2006
Age: 48
Posts: 3695
Location: the Antipodes
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| Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 12:56 am Post subject: |
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Re-read some older posts in this thread.
Do you have pet names for your spouse/significant other?
I have taken to calling mine "Bun", which started as a joke after reading a book where the narrator's friend calls his wife "Honey" and the narrator's wife is "Bun" (as in Honey-Bun). Also sometimes call her "Dear" when she is interrupting (as in "yes dear, no dear, of course dear, yes dear .....).
She didn't like being called "Bun" to start with, but has grown into it.
Otherwise, never had any pet name.
A guy I know who has been married 3x used to call all wives and girl friends by the same name. I guess so he never got caught out saying the wrong name.
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I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.
Strewth!
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