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Nothingness
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jan 04, 2008
Posts: 54
Location: sweden
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 Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:40 am Post subject: ashamed |
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thanx all.....
the diagnosis is aspergers...
so i guess i should wait for my mom to get used to this then.... its just that shes just getting worse, yesterday i was at my extrafamilys house and when we were eating she was even tellng me what to say! infront of the people she wanted me to say it to! 
she treats me like all of a sudden ive gone totally damn stupid and if she just helps me all the damn time i will get smart. the problem is just ive watched people for 14 years without learning what to say, so why should i understand now just cause she tries to force me...............
today im going back to the hospital. and shes not gonna stay there at all she has said so i can do whatever i want to...
whatif she never stops?? when she has decided if something is right or wrong, she usually sticks to that forever........ like my friend, when i was 6 my mom decided she didnt like my best friend and she still dislike her very much. im not even allowed to see her anymore.
im not sad ive had a dignosis i think its better to know than not to know.... its cool that everything makes sense for a change.. before id just be so very confused all the time when my shrinks put different dignosises on me all the time and gave me different meds and then next week new diagnosis and new meds........ and after a while i confessed that i had been sexually abused and then they just got even crazier cuz they thought they now had the perfect reason for all these dignosises..... now im on the same meds all the time so i can walk and think cuz im used to them.
i just dont know what to tell my mom to make her less obsessed with making sure i act perfect.. the doctors want me to go to some special school and my mom said that will never happen!! as fast as she got to know..... ive always hated school and i got the worst grades in my class, problably in my school, and i dont know if i could do better if i was in some other school........ otherwise i guess ill have to spend my life on the streets......... or get married and be a housewife just that im not good at people or cooking or anything actually............... im only good at things i get obsessed with, and they never seem to involve anything smart as school or people or idk.........
Last edited by Nothingness on Sun Jan 06, 2008 6:35 am; edited 1 time in total |
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gbollard
K’Anpo no... Cho-Je... whatever.
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 40
Posts: 4448
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 8:20 am Post subject: |
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What diagnosis? Aspergers?
If so, rejoice. You're part of a damn fine cool group...
Mothers never accept well.
It shouldn't matter too much to her anyway, just tell her that you're still you. The same person she loves.
_________________
Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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2ukenkerl
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 20, 2007
Posts: 6493
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 8:55 am Post subject: |
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| gbollard wrote: | What diagnosis? Aspergers?
If so, rejoice. You're part of a damn fine cool group...
Mothers never accept well.
It shouldn't matter too much to her anyway, just tell her that you're still you. The same person she loves. |
She is new. Her profile says so. She describes autism, but writes ok. I would say HFA or AS in the absence of anything to the contrary.
Maybe she is just too lazy for punctuation, and it was a LONG time before I ever used caps, even though I knew how, when, etc... Yeah, I know, HARD TO BELIEVE when I appear to overuse them so much. 
Nothingness,
Don't be ashamed. You may just end up better off. In any event, it isn't a death sentence and doesn't say that you are any less capable, etc... Your MOTHER should be ashamed for not accepting what is in front of you. |
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Alphawolf
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Dec 31, 2007
Posts: 42
Location: Wolf City... or Baltimore Maryland
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:23 am Post subject: |
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Ok hear me on this. Your Mom has just heard some devestating news about someone she loves dearly namely you. She is experiencing two emotions and not dealing well righht now with either. First she is trying to avoid greiving over the perfect offspring she wanted to have. Also Mothers who love their offspring get deep into hard core self blaming when a dignosis that alters the perfect qaulity of life she wants you to have. Some parents in an attempt to avoid dealing with their misplaced self blame try to fool themselves into thinking OH DEAR the doctors are wrong, there is nothing wrong with my child.
I am not into blaming the mother but the autistic child must realize that their issues and their mothers issues are completely seperate. You need to be certain and strong in your own autism disagnosis letting no one change your mind. It is only by coming to terms with and learning to build unique coping skills that you have any hope of living a successful full rich life on your own. Your mom is on her own journey to accepting your autism. Your mom might cling to her false dream that you are normal for a long time and you CAN NOT AFFORD TO WAIT TILL SHE CONQUERS HER FEARS BEFORE YOU start dealing with the practical realities and challenges you face as an autistic person. Trust me living as an autistic person is fun, yes there will be times of stress and heartache but thats true in any life. Autistic's just have our stresses and challenges in totally different places when compared to neurotypical folks.
First thing you have to do as a newly minted autistic person is learn to love yourself for who you as as an autistic person. Next you must preserve your joy by letting no one steal your joy of being youtself and pursuing your life's goals, dreams and ideals as an autistic person even if they conflict with mommy dearest. Next you need get a backbone because, mom's greiving process is already starting to pull you down. You can love mom without agreeing with mom about your diagnosis. You need to grow up and fend for yourself because, it makes no difference if mom is right or wrong about your autism it is you alone who will suffer for her autism related mistakes whatever they are. No mom wants to beleive their child is sick. Additonally aspergers or HFA is not like a rash, bad heart, growth or puss filled bump that is visable nasty and understandable. Autism is a silent, or hidden disability a fact which enlongates the parents or childs grieving process because denial of the doctors, the diagnosis and the childs symptoms can be made to sound plausable for longer periods of time.
All Mom's talk about you being normal should just tell you mom has given up processing reality as it relates to your autism for now. Don't get mad at her or hate her because she is a weak woman in this one major area of your life. Parents are not the near mythical super heros we think they are growing up. Your mom is showing she is weak and vulnerable, while you do not let her weakness about autism stop you from dealing with your autism challenges be tolerant of her conversation gushed in hopes of "Making you normal" but be sure to ignore all her negative words. Your mom is entitled to think all your doctors are fools and you can honestly say thanks for your opinion mom, just know to file it in the trash can. If at anytime your mom says you are sick then she does see your autism all the time she is just hiding from an autistic reality in her child she does not want to face.
Its not her but you alone that counts when determining if any diagnosis you have gotten is right. You have to take control of your life. You will fail if you wait till mom resolves her issues before you attempt to face yours. I know you likely need your mom's strength to deal with autism and its challenges but you must face the reality that right now she is emotionally unavailable because she is fighting her own autism inspired greif demons. I grew up a lone wolf my grandmother wanted to beleive my high functioning autism could be cured with enough faith and prayer on my part. My grandmother drove me nuts talking to me about my lack of faith and how prayer alone could heal my autism. I was not free till just stopped listening to my grandmothers denial of the autistic truth I had to face if I was ever to be a success. Your mom is being a stumbling block on your way to meeting your autism inspired life challenges. The problem is every minute you delay in focusing on how to successfully learn to live well with autism deminishes your quality of life.
My grandmother knew not to ask me to look people directly in the eyes because, the discomfort I felt made me want to fight them almost immediately. Your mom is suggesting you try to "PASS As Normal" (Neurotypical) Your mom is asking you to live her lie about who you really are so it will validate her wishful thinking inspired day dream that will never happen in real life. If I told you all pigeons walk on gold pavement, wearing pink high heel tennis shoes drinking Jack Danniels on the rocks out of Three Stooges Mugs under a electric pink sky would you believe me? Your mom's in word deed and pressure is asking you to validate her false autism denying fantasies which in truth are no more realistic and helpful to you than that odd ball pigeon story I just shared. Your mom is living in a fantasy world where your autism does not exist and thats her challenge alone to overcome. You can not help a person who is focused all their life energies on hiding from themselves. Your first autism challenge is to decide, DO YOU BUY INTO YOUR MOMMY'S FANTASY WORLD WHERE YOU HAVE NO AUTISM AND RELATED DIAGNOSISES OR DO YOU STRIKE OUT ON YOUR OWN AS A FULLY EMPOWERED AUTISTIC INDIVIDUAL! This choice is NOT about what your mommy does or does not do to you with you or for you. Its not about what your mommy asks you to do, what how mommy wants you to act, speak or dress or anything else.
Maybe Mommy's greif over your autism diagnosis is hiding your own greif over being a diagnosed autistic. Maybe so long as mommy does not accept your autism diagnosis you are free to keep her the focus of your life. If your mommy's bad reaction to your autism is the focus of your life then you are spared the challenge of meeting autism's daunting scary challenges in your own life. You must ask yourself whats the long term payoff or loss for you if you chose to live mom's lie like mommy's dutiful robot like son or daughter. I lived my grandmothers lie for 38 years thinking autism could be cured by faith. I lived my grandmothers autism denying lie and all I have to show for it is pain filled lean years on public assistance and other welfare programs due to having not having been a success my first 38 years of life. Don't make the mistake I did, I am trying to warn you while you are still young! I do not know if you are hiding your autism diagnosis inspired greif behind your mommy's or not, I am just challenging you to look honesty with your doctors help.
Mutual support and love thats why all of us who are members in this Wrong Planet website come here, share here and help here. Living with Autism starts off feeling difficult but trust me you learn to grow into it. You are grieving too when you first get hit with an autism diagnosis. Life is still good and fun with autism. I dare suspect most of the people on this site with aspergers or HFA love themselves which inlcudes their autism. You have come here which is a good step. You have good doctors it appears so thats good. Mom will have to come around in her own time. Your Mom needs you to be the leader this time because your autism diagnosis has left her crippled emotionally, she has fallen on life's journey and autism so far is not letting her get up. YOU have a tough chore on your hands for the first time in your life you have to teach your mom about the hidden strengthes and joys to be found in her autistic offspring. You have to carry your mom on your autistic journey and ok at first she won't like it and might hate you for it but life is full of things adults don't like but in time they adjust, they adapt and they survive. Your mom is weak right now concerning your autism so you must be strong for her, you must lead the fight on autism by facing your challenges and in so doing forcing your mom to face her autism challenges. Your mom is clinging to the past when she thought you were a normal neurotypical because all her hope for you is stuck in a past that is now just a pale fantasy. Only you can meet autism's challenges in ways that over time will prove to your mom that you have plenty of awesome great hope in your autism filled future. Your mom is looking behind her and crying tears of loss and sarrow over her loved cherrished neurotypical child those doctors murdered when they dignosed you as autistic. As your mom's newly born autistic child you must build an autistic hope for a future so bright your mom can't help but to turn away from focusing on your past and start looking at your intensely bright awesome autistic future.
If you find hope in the future for yourself your mom in time will see it and want to share it with you. You can not help your mom deal with your autism till you admit you have it and start building a life that meets and conquers all your autism challenges as best you can. Just remember you are not alone. If Wrong Planet does anything for me it reminds me I am not alone and there is strength in that knowledge. Its just nice for me knowing there are many of my kind for whom Earth just feels like the Wrong Planet. Stay strong and do not give up on yourself or your mom because, this world is a far better place with both of you in it! These words come from the heart of the wolf and are intended only to help those who are on the autism spectrum like me. |
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2ukenkerl
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 20, 2007
Posts: 6493
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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I know Alphawolf is just trying to be helpfull, and he does offer some good insight, etc... Still, when all is said and done, judge yourself by your OWN standards.
People lie about their own abilities ALL THE TIME! I have had people say they could read my mind, tell when I was lying(usually after I told them the plain TRUTH), etc.... The will say they have a photographic memory when they don't, etc...
HECK, part of my current job is weeding out such people, and there is VERY little wheat among the shaft! There are VERY few diamonds in the dirt.
So some AS people have too high an estimation of NT abilities. I tried to live as an NT for over 40 years. I always knew I was "wierd", but never knew about AS and I guess never even knew about autism. So I tested EVERYTHING! I found that overall, I was at LEAST as good, but just failed socially and athletically.
And, DON'T FORGET, NTs have too low an estimation of many autistics. I don't think I would even listen so much to "danielismyname" in that regard.
SO, when alphawolf says things like "devastating", take them with a grain of salt. |
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Alphawolf
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Dec 31, 2007
Posts: 42
Location: Wolf City... or Baltimore Maryland
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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I used the word "devestating news" because it certainly appears from the posting that the mom here is really in deep denial and pain over her childs autism diagnosis. I don't think the autism diagnosis is devestating at all but the mom's reaction seems to suggest to me that the mom is experiencing her childs autism diagnosis as a devestating event. Maybe I am not reading into the meaning of the wording correctly, one of my flaws. However this mom is asking the offspring to deny their diagnosis, calling the doctors wrong, making a scene at the hospital all these things tell me this parent is really stressing out over her childs autism diagnosis in a way that meets my understanding of the word "devestating news".
This is one case where we will just have to agree to respectfully disagree. And you are right I was only trying to help thanks for seeing that! |
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howzat
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 24, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 1051
Location: Hornsey North London
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Havin AS isn't all dat bad n ur mother sounds very narrow minded. |
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richardbenson
Evil Egocentrical Existencialism
Joined: Oct 31, 2006
Posts: 10802
Location: Here snow will always fall
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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dude moms are nothing but trouble. im getting away from mine hopefully for a real long time in a short while 
_________________
Gem quality Fire Agate has been found only in parts of California, Arizona, and Mexico. Despite the fact that this gemstone may never become mass merchandised it has created a small yet devoted following among those who apprechiate its beauty |
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2ukenkerl
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 20, 2007
Posts: 6493
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Alphawolf wrote: | I used the word "devestating news" because it certainly appears from the posting that the mom here is really in deep denial and pain over her childs autism diagnosis. I don't think the autism diagnosis is devestating at all but the mom's reaction seems to suggest to me that the mom is experiencing her childs autism diagnosis as a devestating event.
...
This is one case where we will just have to agree to respectfully disagree. And you are right I was only trying to help thanks for seeing that! |
Well, I quickly read through your post, and you didn't seem to make that distinction. I meant nothing against you, but want to tread lightly here ESPECIALLY with words like ashamed.
tangental thought not meant as any rebuke:...
The only shame is having people ask you to accept others major failures even as they berate you for your minor ones. Even the BIBLE speaks against that!
Matthew 7:3
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Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
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I had that happen to me last month and, were it in another venue, I would have laughed at the people to their face. One of these days, I am going to have to sit down after such things and consider such a return comment.
Maybe it is because they sense, or assume, that AS people are less likely to fight back, or that they feel they should simply side with their acquaintances. |
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Alphawolf
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Dec 31, 2007
Posts: 42
Location: Wolf City... or Baltimore Maryland
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 10:29 pm Post subject: |
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You are right on all counts actually. I used to fight or get upset when people got on my case about my autistic quirks and issues. I suspect I am a Wolf in a China shoppe as I am not delicate. I am too much a brute when it comes to sensitive things like feelings. I honestly was trying to walk the narrow line of sensitivity to all parties and their different needs.
I suggested just leaving the mom be with her negative comments because, it is hard being autistic and fighting a war on two fronts. One front dealing with autism issues while on another front dealing with all the put downs and pains inflicted by a parent in denial about your autism. I lived for 38 years with a grandmother I loved who knew I had autism but she wanted me to pray, be constantly at the alter she would say and have faith to cure my autism. My grandmother used to say the only way I could show my faith that God would cure my autism was by trying to live as a perfect neurotypical. Trying to live my grandmothers dream of having faith living her neurotypical dream lie kept me a slave to life on Section 8 Housing Assistance, SSI and SSDI for 38 years.
I did not find freedom and success until I broke my grandmothers hold over me by refusing to live life as a neurotypical and ignoring all of her faith or prayer based autism advice. I realized I was not going to change my grandmother and her faith based approach to "curing" my autism by acting neurotypical. Oh and by the way I was so terrible at acting neurotypical I stayed totally depressed and suicidal. Curing my autism through faith was my grandmothers mission in life she felt when doctors told her they could not cure my autism faith and prayer alone could. I learned to ignore my grandmothers angry autism inspired negative behavior because fighting her autism denial just kept me depressed, suicidal and weak. Once I stopped fighting my grandmothers autism denial I had more energy to fight and win my own battles and define my own successful course in life by dealing with my autism issues. I started embracing life in joy and honesty which meant learning to love myself as the high functioning autistic man I am. By ignoring my grandmothers desire I live life in a neurotypical lie I started living life on my terms not hers.
I started doing things like going to college I was told I was too retarded to do in the past. I allowed all my autistic quirks to manifest themselves without shame and guilt my grandmother taught me to associate with any expressions of my autistic self. In college I kept a 4.0 GPA and got a succession of great jobs in the government where I am working now. My grandmother had her autism issues to work out and I had to ignore her denial issues and work on myself until she found it in herself to accept me fully as the autistic man I am. Just before she died my grandmother said something extrodinary to me when she said she was wrong about how she dealt with my autism. She said clearly my ways of embracing my autism as a strength not a weakness and leaning to love myself as an autistic man was totally the right choice. She said in just 3 short years I had gone from a chronically depressed basket case on public assistance to government employee and soon to be IT specialist which proves my ignoring her autism denial suggestions was right. I had to be stronger than my grandmother, by charting my own course, my grandmother had always been my teacher in life. When it came to dealing most effectively with my autism the roles were suddenly reversed I was the teacher my grandmother was my unwilling student. In the end just before her death my grandmother felt strangely compelled to tell me she learned that embracing autism as part of myself was right for me.
Fighting my grandmother over how I dealt with my autism just kept me depressed wasting life resources in a war I could never win. Ignoring my grandmother's autism advice and her associated barbs gave me energy to devote resources to building myself up and focusing on my autism inspired successful future. I was just trying to share with this inidividual my perspective because, their situation sounded so much like what my well meaning mom did to me. I suffered for 38 years trying to suppress my autism by living a badly executed neurotypical lie to please a grandmother I loved. More than anything in the world I do not want any autistic person to make the same mistake I did wasting 38 years investing in a lie just to please someone else at their expense. Maybe I am stupid for this but reading this persons posting struck my heart and I had to respond as I did. I am sorry if I offended you but this the Wolf inside me had to do. |
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