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Sora
Illogical, Irrational
Joined: Sep 16, 2006
Age: 20
Posts: 2426
Location: Europe
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 Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 5:33 pm Post subject: Should you not be satisfied yourself? |
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I just recalled a conversation with a friend of mine from a year ago. We talked and I couldn't rid myself of the feeling that another friend of mine, a new one, felt bad about herself somehow.
So, I asked my friend how come that girl didn't like herself. She had issues, yes, but why didn't she like herself?
And my friend answered right away, well, who likes one's self, really? Nobody does.
I was a tad frazzled and said that I was very satisfied with myself and that I liked myself very much.
And her only answer was uh-uh. Really.
And I thought she meant that I have loads of issues, autism, trouble in school, always being picked on and so I told her that I in the end, it doesn't take me down and that's why it's ok.
The last thing she said was that it's very strange to like one's self and with that the conversation was over. She was awfully quiet at the end, I guess she didn't want to talk about it.
Sooo, now, really. Am I just deluding myself maybe, because people usually just don't like one's self or was she just fretting about teenage things and thoughts?
My granny claims I'm the epitome of insecurity and shyness, because all the time I say 'I don't care' or 'I don't mind'. She says I shouldn't do this. At one time I asked her why she cared about things like what bread to eat or what person to work with or whether a person does what you wants him or her to do or not or whether you get a front seat or a back seat or the right sauce at a restaurant.
So she answered that it's important, because these things are important when you care well about yourself.
And I remembered my conversation with J, my friend. So I asked: Are people usually insecure about themselves?
And she answered that all people are deep inside insecure and that's normal.
I mean, I really suck at school, I'm can't use whatever IQ number I get from a test, I have autism, I have few friends, people usually dislike me greatly when they see me as they claim I'm "funny somehow" and I get in trouble every single month. But I always thought that I could still like myself. Of course I don't like my problems, but I'm... okay??.... with them. I don't mind them, I hate them, but these are problems and over there's my self and even though "my self" causes lots of problems that potententially sent me into hysterics I always get over them and fight them somehow.
And my friend, the insecure one that this first conversation is about, everyone says she is one person that other should follow and learn from, but I seriously can't do that. I think it's wrong to act like that, when it's in truth just a lie. |
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SeaBright
Chargé d'affaires Attaché
Joined: Aug 16, 2006
Posts: 1341
Location: Halfway back
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| Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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sssshhhhh. Careful telling others you are happy to be you. They may take on the challenge to get you down. 
I'm happy to hear you are happy in you. It tells me the good vibe carries on.
Big Bad Creepy World.
I've had associates like you describe your friend. Always pensive and questioning. It made me question myself-over time-. Bad place to tread.
_________________
Why is it soup for dinner and oatmeal for breakfast and not oatmeal for dinner and soup for breakfast? |
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KaliMa
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 09, 2007
Posts: 301
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, USA
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| Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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Sora
I have been the same way all my life. I always liked myself just fine even though I was considered the biggest female loser in Middle & High School and people gave me cr*p every day. I have never had any self-esteem problems. I do see that most people (NTs, I don't know any Aspies IRL) do have weak self-esteem and resent me for not being that way.
My brother's girlfriend is VERY much about what other people will think, more than about being genuine. She is very hostile towards me because I'm the opposite-I try to always be genuine, and I couldn't care less about other people's opinions. I know I'm just fine the way I am.
I hope you never grow out of your self-esteem, I think it's great. I do agree with SeaBright, though. People will take it as a challenge when they realize you have good self-esteem. Shhhh. |
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Belfast
Vast Ambivalence
Joined: Jul 18, 2005
Age: 35
Posts: 1572
Location: New England
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| Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 7:53 pm Post subject: Re: Should you not be satisfied yourself? |
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| Sora wrote: | My granny claims I'm the epitome of insecurity and shyness, because all the time I say 'I don't care' or 'I don't mind'. She says I shouldn't do this. At one time I asked her why she cared about things like what bread to eat or what person to work with or whether a person does what you wants him or her to do or not or whether you get a front seat or a back seat or the right sauce at a restaurant.
So she answered that it's important, because these things are important when you care well about yourself. |
Taking this literally-I don't think it's necessarily a sign of low self-esteem if one often says "I don't care" or "I don't mind"-if that's true. I make these statements about things that aren't important to me, and save saying "I do mind" or "I do care" for instances in which those are true (about things that do matter very much to me).
| Sora wrote: | And I remembered my conversation with J, my friend. So I asked: Are people usually insecure about themselves?
And she answered that all people are deep inside insecure and that's normal. |
Generally, I would say that if one has high self-esteem, then that's okay (there are exceptions, for people who've done seriously horrible/cruel things-but most people are not these exceptions). If one has low self-esteeem, that could be defense against (and an acquired result of) being verbally attacked by others (in attempts to knock you down a peg). The "tall-poppy syndrome", where anyone who stands up or sticks out (even in a 'good' way) attracts negative attention & may get 'cut down' (metaphorically, socially).
So, I'm not sure about saying anything absolute about whether people "should" have what level of self-esteem.
Had high self-esteem as child (when I was ignorant & innocent), before I knew what "self-esteem" was. Gradually learned to have bad feelings about myself from observing others interact more successfully than I, from people calling me names & treating me in ways that I (later) realized were not nice. Experiences with other people caused me to doubt & denigrate my perspective & personality. Not being able to meet my own needs (lack of independence) embarrasses me, I feel guilty, then I feel bad about the burden I place on those close to me.
_________________
*"You cannot administer a wicked law impartially-it destroys everyone it touches, its violators as well as its upholders."* |
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Ahaseurus2000
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 22, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 363
Location: Taupo, New Zealand
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| Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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| There's a form of psychology called transactional analysis (TA). It discusses and deals with this issue indirectly, and more directly with the behaviours and mindgames people have surrounding this issue. Also check out the book "I'm OK and You're OK" which uses TA to study these insecurities and their source. |
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ZanneMarie
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 28, 2007
Posts: 2302
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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Most people are insecure and build themselves almost solely out of what others tell them they "should" be which they really are not comfortable being. They are too afraid to be who they really are because they are so worried about criticism so when you say you like who you are it makes them feel like they could like who they actually are. That is unacceptable because it means they need to question something they've built their whole life upon, so they feel they must believe you are lying (and in fact they may believe you are lying). Just accept the fear and move on. The more you press it, the more they will try to undermine your security to increase their own. It's a difference and that is all. You aren't required to be like them or they like you.
_________________
People say I'm crazy
doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings
to save me from ruin |
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syzygyish
Dada Dodo
Joined: Feb 04, 2007
Age: 41
Posts: 3834
Location: waiting for IF
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| Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 8:45 am Post subject: |
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Sora
all those ppl you talked about we're in a race trying to win something
what was it?
appearance!
to thine ownself be true.
it sounds like you already have it -
don't lose it.
_________________
there was something important
when I didn't have a clue
and I still don't know now
how about you? |
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Brooks
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 02, 2007
Posts: 153
Location: Alabama
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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Bah. She is unhappy with herself and cannot fathom why everybody is not like her. A lot of people are unhappy with themselves, because they hold themselves up to some ideal and find themselves lacking and instead of doing something about it, they just get mad about it and gripe.
Myself, I tend to like myself as a whole, but dislike some aspects of myself. I am over weight and out of shape and I dislike that, but I still like myself.
Some will try to tear you down, because they cannot bear you to be happy when they are not. I say buzz off to them. I don't care much what the rest of the world thinks of me. All that really matters is what I think of me....well and my wife.
_________________
++?????++ Out of Cheese Error. Redo From Start. |
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Postperson
The Daughter of Indifference
Joined: Jul 10, 2004
Age: 51
Posts: 2459
Location: Uz
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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I find modern 'self-esteem' and 'pride' concepts rather bogus.
I neither like nor dislike myself. Since I had no choice in the matter, I am what I am. I can see how your statement of liking yourself may be misconstrued. Perhaps it's the actual choice of words rather than the sentiment behind it that bothers people?
Self satisfied is often equated with 'smug', so people avoid being seen as that publicly. |
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