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Starr
Phoenix
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Joined: Sep 18, 2006
Posts: 4254
Location: the misty mountain
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 Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 5:22 am Post subject: |
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| BazzaMcKenzie wrote: |
A guy I know who has been married 3x used to call all wives and girl friends by the same name. I guess so he never got caught out saying the wrong name. |
I can think of an appropriate name for him but I'm trying to give up using bad language, lol.
| Quote: | | Do you have pet names for your spouse/significant other? |
I call my husband Pod. Because his name begins with P so it was shortened to P then became Pod (pea-pod) Recently it's become Podsy or Podster. It has taken many years to evolve, lol. My nephew calls him 'Uncle Podsterino' which he hates.
I don't have a pet name. I get called my full name, not the shortened version everyone else uses. |
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BazzaMcKenzie
Wild colonial man
Joined: Aug 22, 2006
Age: 48
Posts: 3695
Location: the Antipodes
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| Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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Shiela frequently calls me by my middle name
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I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.
Strewth!
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Beenthere
10 Miles South of Sanity
Joined: Dec 30, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 2080
Location: Pa.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 4:02 pm Post subject: Re: What are the basics ??? |
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| outlander wrote: |
SUMMARIZING MY QUESTION TO YOU ALL:
Can you give me run down on the basics of being an AS husband trying to optimize his relationship with his NT wife? (Yeah, I know that's kind of a tall order, I hope its not too unrealistic)
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Outlander...are you sure she's NT herself? Asperger's seems to manifest itself differently in women (well actually since it's a spectrum I think it can manifest itself differently according to the individual...not sure, but like snowflakes I don't think any two of us are completely alike) ...reading over her "quirks" I find alot of similarities...female, w/Asperger's myself.
P.S. Some of her key quirks:
--Very quiet----*somewhat here also
--Reclusive, Enjoys solitude, Avoids interaction with others.---*Not shy, but very reclusive, I don't for the most part enjoy socializing with others, I find it stressful.
--Impaired ability to show affection physically, Compensates by doing things for others---*I have trouble expressing my feelings, so I don't show affection in a "normal" manner.
--Almost cannot initiate any show of affection in any situation, no matter how private.---*see above, if you have problems expressing your feelings it's very hard to initiate anything. Same thing here.
--Feels unappreciated---*Not married
--Insists on being independent, and is loathe to ask for assistance, even rejecting it when it is sincerely offered spontaneously to an obvious need--*VERY independent, I have been since I was a child.
--Reluctant to share her feelings---*Really...not sure how to go about it some days.
--Thinks that any inquiry by me about her thoughts or choices is an attempt to judge them or berate her.---*I can take things very literally at times and become unsure of the meaning in which they may be meant.
--Really has trouble believing that when I say something that I mean exactly what I said and that I don't have some ulterior motive or agenda.---*Can't say this is a problem, although past things have left me wondering about someones motives more than I used to.
Another thing I would Google is "Schizoid Personality Disorder", I scored high for this also, but it seems alot of us do...a few other things tipped the scales to an Asperger's diagnosis.
Good luck outlander.
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*Normal* is just a setting on the dryer. |
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sartresue
Radical Aspergian
Joined: Dec 19, 2007
Posts: 2152
Location: The Castle of Shock and Awe-tism
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| Posted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 4:43 pm Post subject: The Married Aspie Cafe Thread(...) |
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On the topic of marriage...
I solved my own problems when I decided to separate from the father of the two youngest. I found I displayed all the quirks mentioned that Beenthere commented about. I realized that the marriage thing was not for me any more, and especially to my NT husband. Too different and too much annoying each other.
I almost feel bad that it did not work out but that is the way it is.
Moving on. |
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ZanneMarie
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 28, 2007
Posts: 2302
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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| BazzaMcKenzie wrote: | Re-read some older posts in this thread.
Do you have pet names for your spouse/significant other?
I have taken to calling mine "Bun", which started as a joke after reading a book where the narrator's friend calls his wife "Honey" and the narrator's wife is "Bun" (as in Honey-Bun). Also sometimes call her "Dear" when she is interrupting (as in "yes dear, no dear, of course dear, yes dear .....).
She didn't like being called "Bun" to start with, but has grown into it. 
Otherwise, never had any pet name.
A guy I know who has been married 3x used to call all wives and girl friends by the same name. I guess so he never got caught out saying the wrong name. |
Dh has called me Baby since he met me. When we got married, I was actually surprised he knew my name and I kind of jerked and looked at him with my mouth open. I think he's said my name a few times since then.
I really don't call him pet names, even honey or something like that. About 12 years ago I noticed that others did that and I wondered about it, but he never seems to care so I quit worrying about it.
We do get some strange looks if I go wandering off into something he considers dangerous (like the street) and suddenly he yells out "Baby!" Or, if we're out somewhere social and I'm staring off into space when he's told me five times that it's time to go. He'll suddenly yell, "Baby! Time to go!" That gets some odd looks.
_________________
People say I'm crazy
doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings
to save me from ruin |
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GizmoGirl
Snowy Owl
Joined: Oct 03, 2007
Posts: 159
Location: Florida/New york hometown
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| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject: |
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I have been married for 1yr now and its ok...its a little hard for me because I have autism he is NT but i can see that he is leaning more and more towards aspie everyday haha...Just soemthing i sense in him....he is pretty good with my meltdowns and laid back with me...the only thing wwe fight about is the fact i cant get him to see that i cant do fifty things in one day..i need to do things slowly and that i can only go lets say to walmart and then one more store before im done for the day...its really hard for me to get that through his head haha...also he doesnt show emotions well so its hard enough for me to tell what he feels and makes it even harder because he doesnt show any at all other then he says i love you baby...soo thats my little rant and information lol.... 
_________________
~I have autism, whats your exuse?~
~"S&M is an art. Doing it well requires more than a bag full of expensive whips and ropes, a closet full of fetish clothes, or a basement filled with bondage furniture." De Sade~ |
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4623
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:21 pm Post subject: |
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Zanne, you've come back !!! Good to see you post again !!!
TM refers to me as "Luv" when we're out and about. I really like that. I call her "Sweets." Kinda old fashioned, but there ya go ...
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I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go. ~Theodore Roethke |
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ZanneMarie
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 28, 2007
Posts: 2302
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Prof! I wondered where you went! I came out of the closet where I'd been writing. Don't worry about me. I go off someplace and write for months then suddenly wander back out. Just be glad you aren't married to me. LOL
There is actually a funny that goes along with that trait, brain activity or whatever it is.
When dh told me we were getting married, he suggested we be engaged for six months. That earned him a blank look. He was going to go to Italy, get settled, come back and have some big wedding with me. I shook my head and said, "I know me and that will never work with me. If you go away for six months it will be out of sight, out of mind. By the time you get back, I'll have wandered off." We got married two weeks later instead. I told him two weeks was about as long as any human could count on me remembering them without constantly being around.
Now that is 25 years before I knew anything about Asperger's!
_________________
People say I'm crazy
doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings
to save me from ruin |
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QuantumCowboy
Phoenix
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 736
Location: Calgary, AB
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, I am new to this thread.
I have been married once before for three years (I suppose you could call her NT, although she had a slew of issues). She eventually left me.
Several years later, I am dating another aspie. Although we have been dating only since October, we are both already thinking ahead to marriage. We fit together so perfectly, it is uncanny. 
I am curious as others' experiences on an aspie-aspie marriage.
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The ket always seems to psi over its own indeterminacy. |
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4623
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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We're an AS-NT marriage, although TM has certain neurotic tendencies. (Ahem, Mr. Monk, anyone?)
When I reflect back on my single life, I think several of the ladies I dated must have been AS. But we always failed in our attempts at a relationship, for one reason or another ....
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I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go. ~Theodore Roethke |
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totierne
Butterfly
Joined: May 11, 2005
Posts: 14
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:39 pm Post subject: |
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Woman are into relationships all the time.
Men [me] read relationships columns when something goes wrong.
Pre marriage I reckon I never developed relationships - why develop when everything is just fine.
I never passed the 6 week threshold.
[I cannot comment on my current marriage on pain of death] |
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4623
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 10:58 pm Post subject: |
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| totierne wrote: | Woman are into relationships all the time.
Men [me] read relationships columns when something goes wrong.
Pre marriage I reckon I never developed relationships - why develop when everything is just fine.
I never passed the 6 week threshold.
[I cannot comment on my current marriage on pain of death] |
Far be for me to push some bloke to the pain of death !!??
But thanks for posting here !!
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I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go. ~Theodore Roethke |
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KateShroud
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 02, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 1271
Location: Hotel California
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: |
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Hi. After reading this entire thread, I have a question. I just got married to a brilliaNT man, very inventive, introverted, and organized. However he seems to think I have some sort of hidden motive for the things I say and do. He sees strange patterns in my behavior and then forms them into sinarios I could have never imagined. It's like he thinks this is a soap opra sometimes. He is aware of my AS, and I've explained to him that I have no hidden agenda. This would require me to be completely irrational and lie. I realize we speak different languages. Maybe I'm saying some horrible things to him in NT, when all I meant in Aspian was that I needed to brush my teeth shortly before bed. Problem is that I internalize the whole hidden agenda thing as a personal insultt and attack on my character. It really hurts. I've even tried telling him, but he just doesn't get it. Any advice?
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Noitaterpretnisim ot tcejbus si yas I gnihtyreve. |
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BazzaMcKenzie
Wild colonial man
Joined: Aug 22, 2006
Age: 48
Posts: 3695
Location: the Antipodes
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:57 am Post subject: |
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^ maybe he is not so brilliaNT 
_________________
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.
Strewth!
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outlander
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 10, 2007
Age: 63
Posts: 94
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 11:56 am Post subject: |
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| KateShroud wrote: | | ... I just got married to a brilliaNT man, very inventive, introverted, and organized. ... |
Ok, there is the first part of the problem -- Newlyweds  It takes time to get used to each other. When I have friends that are going to get married, I tell them before, that the first time I see them after the wedding I am going to ask them what they learned about their mate that they did not know before the wedding. It is amazing what turns up no matter how long & well they have known each other. There is an adjustment period and getting through it without holding major grudges is a problem. Please be understanding with your mate (and vice versa) during this period. Things will happen that will smooth out later as long as both parties are understanding about the adjustment period.
| Quote: | | ... he seems to think I have some sort of hidden motive for the things I say and do ... It's like he thinks this is a soap opera sometimes. He is aware of my AS, and I've explained to him that I have no hidden agenda. |
His "awareness" and your "explaining" are a start but insufficient. He needs to understand AS and your explaining is not likely to be enough. He sounds like the sort of person who will be better convinced if he self-educates. You might want to prompt his investigation but then let him do the study. I found the movie "Mozart and the Whale" most useful even though the degree of aspergers of the characters is mostly more blatant that my own. It might be useful as a starter in your case. Just getting him to look around on Wrong Planet might be useful.
Also be aware that, though he may be NT, being introverted and brilliant suggests that he is not average, I would expect his social skills are less than average and he may be trying to fit the facts as he sees them into a flawed explanation of his own making
| Quote: | | I realize we speak different languages. Maybe I'm saying some horrible things to him in NT, when all I meant in Aspian was that I needed ... ... It really hurts. I've even tried telling him, but he just doesn't get it. Any advice? |
You are right at the heart of the problem. The key to a good marriage is communication; and, from what I can see in your post, you are both impaired in that area (or at least functioning in different modes). Forget the feelings (at least for now) and stick to the facts. That is your best bet for getting through the adjustment period and getting this union running on an even and comfortable basis. If need be, find a counselor, but make sure that you can find one that understands the basis of the communication prblems that you both have before starting.
And just one more thing. Are you really sure that he is all that NT? The combination of brilliant and "introverted" would be two significant indications if someone was looking for symptoms of Aspergers. Not that we should see Aspies everywhere but the combination of those two characteristics certainly indicate an atypical personality. Even if we assume that those are his only two quirks, I would almost be willing to bet that he was a target for bullying in high school. Since that is a common experience for Aspies (boys especially ?) it might serve as an open door in increasing his understanding of what it means to have Asperger's syndrome.
_________________
The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
All the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come. Thou shalt call, and I will answer
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