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ConcernedParents
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Posts: 10
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 Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 9:59 pm Post subject: Honesty and lying |
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We are new to this forum. So glad we found it.
Our daughter is 17 and was dx about 8 years ago. She has always been very honest when younger, but the last few years we are noticing that she stretches the truth and many, many times just outright lies. But it seems like her lies are really what she perceives to be the truth. She will tell someone something so outrageous and absolutely believes it as the truth. Some of her statements are so ludicrous or opposite of the "real" story. I have always found that the Aspies that we know to be so brutally honest. This is now alarming us. Does anyone have any insight into this?
Thanks! |
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asplanet
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 11, 2007
Posts: 2269
Location: Cyberspace, New Zealand
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:29 pm Post subject: |
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Is it a lie or exaggeration of the truth.. maybe it is her way of seeking attention.
When I was growing up I really seemed to need approval from others, this was probably because I knew I was different and so badly wanted to fit in.
_________________
"Believe in your self, we are who we are - as it can feel like an endless task trying to be someone else!" Aspergers Parallel Planet web site - http://asplanet.info/index.php
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SeaBright
Chargé d'affaires Attaché
Joined: Aug 16, 2006
Posts: 1400
Location: Halfway back
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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Are you judging her words as they would read if written down, or are you hearing the implication of her tone and mannerisms combined-as the message sent?
This is not to say your daughter is not an outright lyer. (redundant statement)
Do you have some examples?
_________________
"I'm sorry Katya, my dear, but where we come from, your what's known as a pet; a not quite human novelty. It's why we brought you.... It's nothing to be ashamed of, my dear, but here you are and here you'll sit." |
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ConcernedParents
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Some are lies, definitely and some are gross exaggerations of the truth. Some anger and some depression. But she really seems to believe the lies. She does not seem to want to fit in and goes to the extreme so that she does not. |
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Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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| ConcernedParents wrote: | | Some are lies, definitely and some are gross exaggerations of the truth. Some anger and some depression. But she really seems to believe the lies. She does not seem to want to fit in and goes to the extreme so that she does not. |
Without examples its impossible to offer insight as to her reasons, or your possible misinterpretation of her statement/reasons. |
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ConcernedParents
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, here are some examples. She told someone she does not have any cool clothes because we won't buy them for her....huh?? We beg her to go shopping or we bring some stuff home or order online if she cannot handle the hustle and bustle of the stores. An outright lie.
Or she also told someone else that we do not have food she likes in the house when we have a whole cabinets and a refrigerator full of food she likes and picked out. (There are food issues.)
Another example. She said she was not talking to a particular someone online when she was....practically in front of us!
These may seem like small things, but they really are not and they seem to happen with more frequency. Maybe it is a typical "teen" thing.
We find this so sad because we love her dearly and have done whatever possible that she needed, be it medical, psychological, social or educational. She is surrounded by a loving family and support system. |
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asplanet
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 11, 2007
Posts: 2269
Location: Cyberspace, New Zealand
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:21 pm Post subject: |
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It does sounds more like a typical teen thing to me - teens do not like there parents knowing everything they are doing and saying.
Could be she just needs a little bit more space to be herself, without feeling judged..
Have you spoken to her how your feeling, could just be lack of good communication.
_________________
"Believe in your self, we are who we are - as it can feel like an endless task trying to be someone else!" Aspergers Parallel Planet web site - http://asplanet.info/index.php
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Postperson
The Daughter of Indifference
Joined: Jul 10, 2004
Age: 52
Posts: 4314
Location: Uz
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Do you find her manipulative? Does she try to get others to do her work for her? |
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ConcernedParents
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:30 pm Post subject: |
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To asplanet....yes, we speak to her and she denies it! We do give her space and don;t hang over her.
To postperson...yes to manipulative. By lying, she is manipulating the situation. Not really to getting others to do her work for her. |
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poopylungstuffing
doh-skoh-bee-doh
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 34
Posts: 6410
Location: Super Happy Fun Land, TX
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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When I was a kid I used to tell outrageous tales....they would just slip out of my mouth...Stuff would pop into my mind, and the next thing you know it was out of my mouth. It was terrible..it did nothing good for me socially. I was not lying to manipulate...I think part of it was that I did not know what to do with my imagination...I grew out of that but it took a long time....i didn't realise how much I was lying or how I must have sounded to other people until I got older....Also....when I got older I became more social than I was as a kid...and um...well I had adjustment problems......and I wanted badly to fit in despite this really big gap between myself and other kids my age.....so the habit I had had as a child ws put to use in that regard...I had to pretend to know about all this stuff that came naturally to everyone around me....and I was oblivious to the fact that I was not pulling it off....
Embarrasing really. Now I am usually painfully honest..at least compared to most people around me...I can't lie....But i did go through that phase when I was younger...i don't know if it is an AS thing or an ADD thing with me, but it did seem to have to do with adjustment issues I was having. |
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ConcernedParents
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: |
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| She does have an amazing imagination...something to consider. However, she can be really convincing! Some see right through her, but many believe her. |
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Postperson
The Daughter of Indifference
Joined: Jul 10, 2004
Age: 52
Posts: 4314
Location: Uz
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 12:23 am Post subject: |
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I didn't figure out everyone lied all the time till I was 15ish. When I did I thought, well I guess I better too, if that's what one does, but people just laughed at mine, they're so obvious. Maybe she's better at it than me!
To someone with AS it can seem as though everyone lies about everything, so you may have to explain some of the do's and don'ts of lying, like when it's appropriate and not (for protecting yourself, to not cause offense etc), when it's illegal (slander, fraud etc). |
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ps1r3n
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jan 10, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 56
Location: Lanzarote, Spain
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 4:39 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Yes, here are some examples. She told someone she does not have any cool clothes because we won't buy them for her....huh?? We beg her to go shopping or we bring some stuff home or order online if she cannot handle the hustle and bustle of the stores. An outright lie. |
Maybe she's just trying to appear cool to her friends and fit in. She's possibly quite happy not having the cool clothes but feels that she can't say this to people for fear of appearing 'uncool'. It's probably easier for her to blame her parents than to say she isn't bothered about having cool clothes. I used to do a similar thing myself. I really liked wearing different clothes at school but got bullied for it so i created this whole story about how we had no money and my parents wouldn't allow me to wear fashionable clothes. I still got bullied so it made no difference but in my head at the time I thought people would leave me alone if they thought it wasn't by choice.
| Quote: | | Another example. She said she was not talking to a particular someone online when she was....practically in front of us! |
This sounds typical teen. I used to work with teens and if this is the worst you've got to deal with you're very lucky.
| Quote: | | We find this so sad because we love her dearly and have done whatever possible that she needed, be it medical, psychological, social or educational. She is surrounded by a loving family and support system. |
I'm sure she is, you sound like a very caring and supportive person. Teens are difficult in general. |
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SeaBright
Chargé d'affaires Attaché
Joined: Aug 16, 2006
Posts: 1400
Location: Halfway back
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:40 am Post subject: |
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| ConcernedParents wrote: | Yes, here are some examples. She told someone she does not have any cool clothes because we won't buy them for her....huh?? We beg her to go shopping or we bring some stuff home or order online if she cannot handle the hustle and bustle of the stores. An outright lie.
Or she also told someone else that we do not have food she likes in the house when we have a whole cabinets and a refrigerator full of food she likes and picked out. (There are food issues.)
Another example. She said she was not talking to a particular someone online when she was....practically in front of us!
These may seem like small things, but they really are not and they seem to happen with more frequency. Maybe it is a typical "teen" thing.
We find this so sad because we love her dearly and have done whatever possible that she needed, be it medical, psychological, social or educational. She is surrounded by a loving family and support system. |
This weekend I'd really appreciate the opportunity to intelligently respond to the specifics you've given.
(what are the/is the food issue/s).
_________________
"I'm sorry Katya, my dear, but where we come from, your what's known as a pet; a not quite human novelty. It's why we brought you.... It's nothing to be ashamed of, my dear, but here you are and here you'll sit." |
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ConcernedParents
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:51 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all for your answers....it does help with other points of view and gives us "food for thought".
To postperson.....it is true that lying can be in degrees. "Little white lies" are a part of everyday life and that is difficult for some to understand, that everyone lies to some degree. The good thing is that she is very honest, hence my subject line, about illegal stuff like stealing and fraud...totally trustworthy and reliable. But the slander is one we may have to work on with her. Thank you for the insight.
To ps1r3n....yes, teens are difficult. I am so happy that drugs and alcohol are not a part of her life. However, her lying isn't the only problem. She has an online boyfriend (another Aspie) that is encouraging her to leave when she turns 18 and she is now all consumed by that. He is promising that he will take care of her (he has a job) and is telling her she does not need our help anymore. At majority age, she will not have her high school complete and she has not been able to get or hold a job yet. Now, of course, we are doing what we can (through professionals) to stop this. We have contacted his parents who just "throw up their hands" and say they cannot do anything about it because he is over 18. We did ban her from the internet for a while but that only isolated her even more and she got some of her friends to contact him...hence more of the lying. So, as her family, we are consumed by trying to balance that she can have some online friends, but don't believe everything they tell her as well...their perceptions are flawed. We are afraid that she will get into trouble when she is of age. |
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