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Daisy
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 02, 2005
Posts: 2
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 Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 1:02 pm Post subject: In-Law with Aspergers |
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My husband comes from an Aspergers family (two of his sibs are affected). Not knowing any better, and not having been told otherwise, I always assumed that his mother is affected also. I'm no diagnostician, but she's *exactly* like one of her affected sons. When I mentioned this to my husband, he told me I was crazy--he told me that his mom is completely normal (she's not, but that's an argument for another time).
I couldn't care less about having a "normal" MIL. My issue is this: my MIL has zero social skills. She's taken no effort to get to no me (if she even knows how to make that effort) but wants all sorts of intimate details about my life. She's not a mean person, she's perfectly earnest and kind, BUT she often says inappropriate or embarrasing things to me, or to my family. She's unable to stop talking about topics which I have declared to be closed to discussion. If I tell her that I don't want to discuss something in September, she sees nothing wrong with bringing it up again (in a perfectly earnest manner) in October. MIL is unable to make comparisons between similar situations and apply the result of one to the other.
She doesn't pick up on hints, the only way that I can get through to her is be very blunt and direct--the problem is that doing so makes ME feel rude and disrespectful. My question is this: what things do people do or say to you which help you, as someone diagnosed with Aspergers, to know that they don't want to talk about something with you, or that you have asked an inappropriate question? When do you feel as if these same people are being rude? Would simply ignoring the questions help?
Please feel free to reply to me here or at my email address: daisyskip[at]yahoo[dot]com.
Thanks! |
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Feather
Snowy Owl
Joined: May 24, 2005
Posts: 166
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| Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2005 9:35 am Post subject: |
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I think you have hit the mark, that sounds so AS, and I can relate some of that to the way I believe I must come across (especially not considering that if someone doesn't want to talk about something now, then I'll raise it again tomorrow, because that's no longer 'now', and not taking a hint).
You need to be direct and non-vague with her, which it is completely possible to do without being rude.  Don't 'mince your words' - it's difficult to know what phrasing to suggest without having an idea of what subjects she brings up and in what context, perhaps some examples may help if it's not too personal for you to post?
I'll try to think of a general example:
For example if someone is keen for you to come over for dinner, and keeps raising the subject.
You don't want to.
The wrong responses to someone with AS would be:
"I'll think about it"
AS person interprets as "this is a distinct possibility", and may even start planning the dinner (if they are enthusiastic they are likely to assume that everyone else is just as enthusiastic, the possibility that you may have a different point of view on the matter may not occur to them), leading to disappointment and possibly a high level of anxiety over what they consider changed plans when you finally tell them no.
"I can't make it this Saturday"
Indicates that the specific date is out of the question, but agreement to the idea in principle. The suggestion of dinner will likely be raised over and over again, with the possibility of the AS person suffering increasing anxiety about the lack of a solid immutable plan as to when this (to him/her) inevitable dinner is going to take place. He/She is likely to feel as if (s)he is being given the runaround.
In both the above cases, the responses given will likely cause the subject to be raised with increasing frequency, and increasing frustration, irritation, and disappointment by both parties.
It is MUCH better to simply be direct and honest. Make sure that your words cannot be misinterpreted. It is very true that to an AS person, saying that you don't want to talk about a subject in September, means that you will be willing to discuss it as of October 1st. If you don't want to discuss it on October 1st, to them you are going back on what you said, it may even be perceived that you have told a lie.
If there is a subject that you don't want to discuss ever, then say that. If there is a dinner/holiday/day out that you don't ever want to attend, then say so. If you don't do so, then you will cause upset and possibly anxiety in the long run.
It's difficult to advise when I don't know the details - I therefore assume that your wish to not discuss particular subjects is for a good reason - if it is that you don't want to hear about her stamp collection ever again because it bores you, then my response would change to advising you to attempt to be a bit more tolerant, and most definitely don't be rude about it! If that makes sense. |
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sandra3
Deinonychus
Joined: Nov 01, 2005
Posts: 320
Location: california
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| Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 12:14 pm Post subject: |
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| if i was anybody's in-law they'd have to get used to me being the way i am. |
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Daisy
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 02, 2005
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 11:15 am Post subject: |
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Feather, thank you! I think that your advice is very, very helpful. My MIL's "off limits" questions usually revolve around very personal issues, such as having children, who my friends are, and what activities I participate in. From now on, I will respond with something such as "I haven't been clear enough with you. This topic is permanently off limits. Don't bring it up ever again." Rather than making a face and saying "Um, let's talk about something else now," which to me sounds kinder.
Sandra3, you missed my point. I'm not asking my MIL to change, but rather how I can better respond to situations with a difficult person who makes me feel comfortable. I'm not asking her to do anything differently. Mighty accomodating of me, don't you think? |
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