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| Ladies: How important is it to you that a man be confident? |
| Very |
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11% |
[ 5 ] |
| Somewhat |
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13% |
[ 6 ] |
| Not very |
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6% |
[ 3 ] |
| Not at all |
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6% |
[ 3 ] |
| Just want to see results |
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62% |
[ 28 ] |
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| Total Votes : 45 |
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Message |
Complex
Sea Gull
Joined: Mar 02, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 241
Location: Detroit
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 Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 3:06 pm Post subject: Ladies: How important is it to you that a man be confident? |
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I would like to make an important point to all of the guys out there, but need to lay some groundwork first. Ladies, please register your opinion.
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sepia
Deinonychus
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Joined: Jul 29, 2004
Age: 32
Posts: 327
Location: N.London
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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i would want a man to be reasonably confident, it is difficult to believe in someone who doesn't believe in themselves. it is also energy draining if you have to keep reassuring someone of their worth. however, an overly confident man (when it spills over into arrogance) is a complete turn off to me.
i go for shy and slightly mysterious types on the whole |
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merrymadscientist
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 19, 2007
Posts: 302
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Lacking in confidence myself, I go for confident men, even if it goes over into arrogance. Not only do I find it attractive, but a confident man is less likely to be upset when I am emotionally and physically distant (as I am in a relationship). Saying this, I have only had one relationship and he was not confident and I made him less so, so I can only assume that a confident man would be better for me. |
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Lurv
Sea Gull
Joined: Dec 13, 2007
Age: 19
Posts: 215
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Confidence can be attractive. |
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Pugly
Man-child diligently becoming a Dude, man
Joined: Jan 10, 2005
Age: 26
Posts: 2567
Location: Wisonsin
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: |
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I have a hard time even defining what confidence is exactly.
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sepia
Deinonychus
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Joined: Jul 29, 2004
Age: 32
Posts: 327
Location: N.London
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:51 pm Post subject: |
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| merrymadscientist wrote: | | Lacking in confidence myself, I go for confident men, even if it goes over into arrogance. Not only do I find it attractive, but a confident man is less likely to be upset when I am emotionally and physically distant (as I am in a relationship). Saying this, I have only had one relationship and he was not confident and I made him less so, so I can only assume that a confident man would be better for me. |
mmm interesting. i think that most guys i have been out with have been fairly confident, but i have missed some pretty big clues when they have been feeling less than confident, so perhaps i am wrong about that. if someone lacks confidence (and is too sensitive) i would be scared of hurting them by accident.
if we are talking about confidence as an initial point of attraction, that is one thing but what happens once you know someone and are in a relationship with someone is far more subtle and far more important. |
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Whisperer
Velociraptor
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
Posts: 458
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Pugly wrote: | | I have a hard time even defining what confidence is exactly. |
Most people call confidence something it is not. Workplaces bullies I have to deal with, for example, flirt a lot with every women and seem "confident" but are really white thrash trying to conceal their chagrin at certain failures of their own. The more their self esteem is prodded; the louder they get. More than once I caught one staring at me while I checked my Master's degree classes schedule or when one found out a friend of his thought "I was cool" for being fluent in English he started shouting "HE DOESN'T SPEAK sh**" whenever I walked past.
What makes the likes or dislikes of most women something rather worthless to worry about is that we don't seek a relationship with most women; we relate to individuals and how they click with us.
Personally I'd rather relate to a prostitute than to a woman whose loyalty might waver the moment my mood swings hit a trough. I'm glad to say, to the guys out there, that not all women are like this.
My ex wasn't my girlfriend without a reason and she defined a "before and after" in my life - in this sense - in that before I used to say the same things but I was just plodding forward into the unknown without any guarantee I'd find someone like her - I wasn't wrong; it was worth the wait.
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On another note, if passing genes down to the next generation was only possible to a few at one end of the bell curve for some trait - the human population wouldn't be growing like that; especially in third world countries like my own. Unfortunatedly a lot of what is called social skills only means not straying much from what is commonplace - then symbols and meanings are adjusted for the convenience of the majority. Again, if only cool, smart, good looking people could reproduce, every day in this city I live in would look like a Sunday morning in a few generations - symbols are adjusted. . . and most people call confidence something it is not.
Gotta go. |
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lotusblossom
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 14, 2008
Posts: 397
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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| I dont think confidence is important- just a connection between you both. But saying that constant complaining and self harming is very off putting. |
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gwenevyn
asdf forever
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 6179
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 9:08 pm Post subject: |
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I voted "not very" but I might edge more toward "somewhat".
I don't mind nervousness or a few insecurities. That can be endearing.
However, I don't want to feel like a guy is making me his leader or his second mommy.
There are a lot of nice qualities that insecure guys tend to have, such as kindness, thoughtfulness, good listening skills, and the willingness to involve themselves in other people's favorite activities. This is just a short list. There are many more good traits that appear to come more easily to such men.
But there are also some bad choices (imho) that insecure guys seem more likely to make. Here are three mistakes that I've noticed frequently:
1) "Hovering" around their partners, wanting to be with them 24/7, not recognizing that most people need time alone.
2) Forcing their partners to make all the small decisions (where shall we eat, what movie shall we see, etc.)
3) Backing down around other men who show off in front of their partners (I assume the rationale here is "I suck, therefore I won't even bother trying to look better than this other guy...  ")
That's all for now. 
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zee
human wannabe
Joined: Jul 19, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 1121
Location: backstage
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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Very--it's the most attractive quality in a man. And you can't fake it, you need to cultivate it. Think of it this way--a man who is unsure of himself will also be unsure of his feelings for you and your relationship. I know that's a bit of a simplification, but that's pretty much what it boils down to.
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RainSong
The Argumentive Lunatic
Joined: May 02, 2006
Posts: 4189
Location: Ohio
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 10:32 pm Post subject: |
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| gwenevyn wrote: | | 3) Backing down around other men who show off in front of their partners (I assume the rationale here is "I suck, therefore I won't even bother trying to look better than this other guy... ") |
I can actually see how the first part (ie, the actual situation, not the rationale behind it) could be interpreted as confidence; he's secure in the knowledge that you're happier with him and therefore won't be impressed enough by the other men to go with them; trying to one up them might show insecurity in that belief.
But, of course, if that rationale is there, then, yeah, it's not confidence.
Confidence really isn't important to me. In large extents especially, I just find it annoying; I'd rather have someone who's down to earth and knows his limits and abilities. I see that there are more categories than just confident and extremely insecure.
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zee
human wannabe
Joined: Jul 19, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 1121
Location: backstage
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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| RainSong wrote: | | I'd rather have someone who's down to earth and knows his limits and abilities. |
I would say that's a confident person. Someone who is self assured, whether they broadcast it or not. And most 'in your face' type people are actually not really confident, they are just trying to create that impression.
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gwenevyn
asdf forever
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 6179
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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| RainSong wrote: | | gwenevyn wrote: | | 3) Backing down around other men who show off in front of their partners (I assume the rationale here is "I suck, therefore I won't even bother trying to look better than this other guy... ") |
I can actually see how the first part (ie, the actual situation, not the rationale behind it) could be interpreted as confidence; he's secure in the knowledge that you're happier with him and therefore won't be impressed enough by the other men to go with them; trying to one up them might show insecurity in that belief. |
I think I was too specific. Basically the idea that I'm trying to convey is that I think being a weenie is unattractive. This was just the first example that occurred to me. There's a noticeable difference in attitude between a man who ignores a challenge because the challenge is beneath him (or irrelevant to his interests), and a man who ignores a challenge because he's scared of losing.
| zee wrote: | | RainSong wrote: | | I'd rather have someone who's down to earth and knows his limits and abilities. |
I would say that's a confident person. Someone who is self assured, whether they broadcast it or not. And most 'in your face' type people are actually not really confident, they are just trying to create that impression. |
I agree.
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Complex
Sea Gull
Joined: Mar 02, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 241
Location: Detroit
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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[quote] Forcing their partners to make all the small decisions (where shall we eat, what movie shall we see, etc.) [\quote]
This is an interesting point, and I could probably use some guidance in a very limited sense.
When it comes to going out to dinner, like a lot of other guys I have 7 or 8 places that I like. To be fair, and to deviate from routine, I always ask my wife "where would you like to go?" She often states that she dislikes my penchant for routine when it comes to dining and wants to try new places. OK, so I ask her where she would like to go. When I do ask, she ALWAYS says " I don't know, where do you want to go?" This really confuses me.
However, when I do state, "I want to go for a burger at the Hamlin Pub" or "I want to go to Mr. B's" she shoots down my ideas until we get down to where she ultimately wants to go. Is this more a matter of process over results (i.e., she likes it when I initiate the decision process, however, she still wants to control the outcome)? Or perhaps some other misunderstanding? Whilst a very minor issue, I would truly like to just go to dinner somewhere without a weekly decision battle. I don't mind going to different places, but when I specifically want to go to one of my favorite haunts, she tells me I'm limited, when I defer to her, she doesn't want to choose. Not really a big deal, but something I'm curious about nonetheless...
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Complex
Sea Gull
Joined: Mar 02, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 241
Location: Detroit
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 11:02 pm Post subject: |
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| gwenevyn wrote: | | There's a noticeable difference in attitude between a man who ignores a challenge because the challenge is beneath him (or irrelevant to his interests), and a man who ignores a challenge because he's scared of losing.. |
A fear of losing is a fear of life. We don't learn from victory, we learn from defeat. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
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