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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 3548
Location: On a retrograde asteroid
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 Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: Feeling Fragile |
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I took a chance on e-mailing a guy in my new social group. Just a brief note, saying hello, and asking how he was. He ignored it. I felt inordinately hurt, and realized just how fragile my self esteem was, if this could bother me for four days. I had been half attracted to him, and hoped that he might feel the same. I am trying not to beat myself up for putting myself out there, but can't help feeling rejected. Why is it so hard for Aspies to make connections? And why can't I just say "oh, well," and move on? This baffling paradox in my life, where people tell me that I look so attractive, doesn't begin to explain why I am still alone. Or why I cannot hold onto a friendship for more than a few months. Maybe if I just didn't talk? But I can never be sure just what is putting people off. Or attracting them, only to have them turn away. Just needed to share. Hurting right now. 
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 2885
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 4:30 am Post subject: Re: Feeling Fragile |
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| hartzofspace wrote: | | I took a chance on e-mailing a guy in my new social group. Just a brief note, saying hello, and asking how he was. He ignored it. I felt inordinately hurt, and realized just how fragile my self esteem was, if this could bother me for four days. I had been half attracted to him, and hoped that he might feel the same. I am trying not to beat myself up for putting myself out there, but can't help feeling rejected. Why is it so hard for Aspies to make connections? And why can't I just say "oh, well," and move on? This baffling paradox in my life, where people tell me that I look so attractive, doesn't begin to explain why I am still alone. Or why I cannot hold onto a friendship for more than a few months. Maybe if I just didn't talk? But I can never be sure just what is putting people off. Or attracting them, only to have them turn away. Just needed to share. Hurting right now. |
 (((((hartzofspace)))))
Yes, i get that awful gnawing on it and pain for ages after having risked and been rejected. And yes it puts me off trying again for ages. And makes me think life is not just simpler but better "alone".
I have a son, who i love, and spend a couple of hours a day actually interacting with in depth/closely, and his often excruciatingly NT papa as frequently exasperating, if sometimes strangely reassuring, company some of the week, but i haven't had "partner" style ( or even intimate friendship) company in 8 years.
I think that i now, mostly, believe that perhaps that this is all i am capable of, if i don't want to start doing my fake thing with anyone. I hate that. ( i used to love it, how powerful it often was, short term, but now i loathe myself in that mode. it is light years away from my real self).
Maybe one reason why it is so hard, this experience, making an approach, and getting nowhere, is because just the act of "approaching" involves belief in a certain kind of you, which then seems to be denied by the rejection. Maybe the approach/mail is as if you are asking someone else to say what kind of person you are. I don't know; just wondering, because i think i experience almost exactly the same thing. And it bothers me too.
Anyway, enough of me blathering. Lots of love and take care , and look after yourself.
o xxxx
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"Life is pain; anyone who says different is selling something"
Last edited by ouinon on Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:09 am; edited 1 time in total |
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tybald
Raven
Joined: Feb 08, 2008
Posts: 115
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 5:35 am Post subject: Re: Feeling Fragile |
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| ouinon wrote: | | Lots of love and take care , and look after yourself. |
Seconded. Don't really know what else to say other than I sympathise - have been there many times before. Hang in there and try not to take these things too personally. Good luck. |
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bobert
Toucan
Joined: May 19, 2007
Posts: 298
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:05 pm Post subject: |
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Hartzofspace, good for you, for taking the risk. There could be a million reasons why he didn't respond, don't assume that it reflects negatively on you. Relationships can take a long time to develop, maybe he just needs to get to know you better.
good luck. |
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 3548
Location: On a retrograde asteroid
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 6:05 pm Post subject: Re: Feeling Fragile |
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| ouinon wrote: | | I have a son, who i love, and spend a couple of hours a day actually interacting with in depth/closely, |
When my daughter was little, she provided all the company I needed. We read books together, took walks, etc. After she grew up and went on her own, I realized that I was at a loss. I didn't think I could make room in my life for anyone else, and yet sometimes I would like to have someone to hang out with, or something.
| ouinon wrote: | | I think that i now, mostly, believe that perhaps that this is all i am capable of, if i don't want to start doing my fake thing with anyone. I hate that. ( i used to love it, how powerful it often was, short term, but now i loathe myself in that mode. it is light years away from my real self). |
I think I understand what you mean. We have to hold so much of ourselves in reserve, at first, and then there is the constant fear of "discovery" and rejection. And it was powerful, but the person who enjoyed that power doesn't exist anymore!
| ouinon wrote: | | Maybe one reason why it is so hard, this experience, making an approach, and getting nowhere, is because just the act of "approaching" involves belief in a certain kind of you, which then seems to be denied by the rejection. Maybe the approach/mail is as if you are asking someone else to say what kind of person you are. I don't know; just wondering, because i think i experience almost exactly the same thing. And it bothers me too. |
Yes! That is exactly how I feel.
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"Always Drink Upstream From the Herd." |
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 2885
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: Re: Feeling Fragile |
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| hartzofspace wrote: | | ouinon wrote: | | I think that i now, mostly, believe that perhaps that this is all i am capable of, if i don't want to start doing my fake thing with anyone. I hate that. ( i used to love it, how powerful it often was, short term, but now i loathe myself in that mode. it is light years away from my real self). |
I think I understand what you mean. We have to hold so much of ourselves in reserve, at first, and then there is the constant fear of "discovery" and rejection. And it was powerful, but the person who enjoyed that power doesn't exist anymore! |
Exactly, that's it. If/whenever I ( rarely/briefly) feel the power, and get any enjoyment, I am aware of a terrible being, someone who is all fake, all surface, for whom all that matters is the power/effect on the other; because that was what i had worked so hard at as a teenager, so concentratedly, unwaveringly, with all my strength and all my intelligence; socialising as my substitute passion/perseveration/obsession. ( I think this happens far more often to women with aspergers than to men).
And because it was all I had, ( having suppressed all my real interests in order to survive school), in my late teens and twenties until breakdown/breakout, my social skill was like dissection. Like the robot in Asimovs "I, Robot" who reads minds and so "lies"/pretends to everybody to please them because it can not stand to cause pain/because that would be a threat to it ( a robot "must not cause harm to a human being"). Its problems, and exposure, start when it is exposed to more than one person at a time. I was like that.
Words and gestures and facial arrangements and timing and clothes, modelled on every beautiful woman seen in film and magazine, were my tools, and the "systems" to understand and "manipulate"/"use"/act on, ( as if i were working out a car, or a computer), were people. I was operating on them. And it was as satisfying as working out what ails a computer might be to a "geek", to reel another person in, like a fish. I wasn't interested in the people except as chess pieces in a huge chess game.
I don't do that anymore, ( except by accident, if I drink more than a glass or two especially), but unfortunately my body language is hopelessly incorrect as a result. It's like having two sets of personality signals. No wonder people/strangers are confused. ( and me!)
_________________
"Life is pain; anyone who says different is selling something"
Last edited by ouinon on Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:24 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 2885
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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sorry!  
Have I hijacked? Tell me if I have!
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"Life is pain; anyone who says different is selling something" |
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 3548
Location: On a retrograde asteroid
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:14 pm Post subject: |
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No, you haven't hijacked. But sometimes, our pain gives insights others, reminding them of how it was for them. What you describe here, helps me to understand the self that I was in my twenties, as I assembled and executed various socializing programs for dealing with people, especially men. It was never a thing that allowed me to be myself, and only bought me pain, as the false constructs that I used could only engender false constructs of relationships. NT's can be phony, but most are aware of what lies beneath, or at least have a pretty good idea. All my energy would be given to my program. And of course, we don't know what the people we are practicing this on really think. We only revel in the power.
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"Always Drink Upstream From the Herd." |
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Jamie06
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 11, 2006
Age: 20
Posts: 921
Location: Crawley, West Sussex, UK
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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| Just wait it out for abit, maybe he's busy or anything like that, or a possibility he doesn't know what to write. Or even like me worrying about writing/saying the wrong thing. |
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Inventor
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 16, 2007
Posts: 2665
Location: New Orleans
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:06 am Post subject: |
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Your new social group, Aspie? If so, normal response time is one to six weeks, but some take months, and act like it was yesterday.
That reminds me, I should answer emails. |
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Ana54
International Incident Initiator
Joined: Dec 27, 2005
Age: 20
Posts: 6432
Location: Channelview, Texas, USA
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 11:55 am Post subject: |
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Depression is horrible. It makes you a complete loser. But there's nothing wrong with that. Once you know there's nothing wrong with doing nothing you start to feel better and do things.  Sometiems you run out of the inner stimulation to let go.
Are you sure those people ae the right group for you? Maybe you need to hang around more with us.  At least until you feel ready to let go and try again. |
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 3548
Location: On a retrograde asteroid
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I finally got a response from this guy. He probably has enough of a life that he doesn't check his e-mails everyday, like I do.
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"Always Drink Upstream From the Herd." |
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 2885
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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_________________
"Life is pain; anyone who says different is selling something" |
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4390
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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| hartzofspace wrote: | | Well, I finally got a response from this guy. He probably has enough of a life that he doesn't check his e-mails everyday, like I do. |
Sometimes I check mine hourly !!!!!!!!!!!!
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I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go. ~Theodore Roethke |
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