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Chibi_Neko
Want a Cookie
Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 27
Posts: 1800
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
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 Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 10:27 am Post subject: Changing my name |
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I guess it's no big secret that I am getting married in a few months, but there is a delimma that I am facing, and that is my name.
A lot of women change their names to be like their husbands, and that's fine, but the thing is I don't really want to. There are many legal options today, you can even make up a whole new name for both of you if you really want to.
It could just be my pride, but I don't see why I have to go through the name change, even if I just add a dash with his last name to my own (Martin-Ward) and he not make any changes at all... I don't mean just my fiance, but all men. Marrage is a new life 'together' not just woman's.
He expressed that he would like me to have his name wither is it a total change or just a add-on to my own. My cousin says that she and her husband are going to merge both their names together and they both have it. I like that idea and brought it up to my fiance, he says he's fine, but I keep getting a vibe that he wants to keep his name the way it is and have me make the changes. I think he is just saying he will go with my choice to make me happy.... and that feels empty.
Deep down I just want to keep my family name and he keep his, but I still feel pressure from all sides on what I should do.
Any women who has been in this boat?
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DevonB
Toucan
Joined: Mar 14, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 287
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 12:37 pm Post subject: |
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It's totally patriarchal. It's antiquated and out-dated. It's a name...we had the option of making a new name...and did.
At first his name was out of joint...but in the end, he liked that we had created something new. After the divorce, I kept the name.
I also used a hyphenated version of our new name with my maiden name.
I also know couples that took the woman's name. And why not? Why shouldnt' they? It's only due to the fact that once upon a time women were considered propterty, so taking the man's name denoted who she was owned by.
More people should get over it and make a compromise. |
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Willard
Suicide Mohel
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 1533
Location: CSA
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 1:03 pm Post subject: Re: Changing my name |
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| Chibi_Neko wrote: | | I keep getting a vibe that he wants to keep his name the way it is and have me make the changes. I think he is just saying he will go with my choice to make me happy.... and that feels empty. |
Is this a red flag for deeper issues?
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"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel - but I am, so that's how it comes out."
- Bill Hicks |
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Chibi_Neko
Want a Cookie
Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 27
Posts: 1800
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 2:14 pm Post subject: Re: Changing my name |
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| Willard wrote: |
Is this a red flag for deeper issues? |
I don't think it is.
Again I think it just could be my pride..... the thought that I have to make the changes and he dosn't have to just keeps biting the back of my brian I guess.
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Humans are intelligent, but that doesn't make them smart. |
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CockneyRebel
Mick Avory
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 35
Posts: 22463
Location: 1965 London with Ruby the Routemaster by my side
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 2:19 pm Post subject: |
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I wouldn't want to change my last name. For one thing, Munro is a British name, and I'm proud of my roots. For another thing, I'm proud of my roots.....I guess that you all get the message.
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juliekitty
Running dog
Joined: Jun 26, 2006
Posts: 1755
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 2:34 pm Post subject: Re: Changing my name |
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| Chibi_Neko wrote: | | the thought that I have to make the changes and he dosn't have to just keeps biting the back of my brian I guess. |
You don't have to. If you don't want to, don't do it. You will always resent it. |
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northern_light_girl
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 29, 2008
Posts: 154
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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Congrats!
Hey I wish I had your problem:) Because it;s not a problem, compared to the joy of finding your love and getting married. Personally I can't wait to change my name, just because I think it's FUN to take on the hubby's name. It's like a stronger bond. Me and him, same name. It's...cute and speaks of closeness.
I do not buy into the feminist, anti-patriarchal argument. I would be PERFECTLY independent and confident even after changing my name....that would be just a formality, not a "compormise" of who I am. Besides, as they say...hihiiiiii, the guy will have to compromise sooo many times too, it's not like he'll get a free ride 
But if the reason is you LOVE your current name, whatever..keep it. As long as he doesn't feel offended that you don't care to take his last name (for some people this could be viewed as a bit offensive b/c it would raise questions in the minds of his parents, siblings, relatives etc..you know what a big gossiping mouth the world has:) ). |
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Lene
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 28, 2007
Age: 24
Posts: 833
Location: Manchester
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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| If you want to keep your name, keep it! Your reasons are perfectly valid and if his family find it offensive, that's their problem. I have no intention of ever changing my name (unless I feel like making up a new one)! |
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juliekitty
Running dog
Joined: Jun 26, 2006
Posts: 1755
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Lene wrote: | | If you want to keep your name, keep it! Your reasons are perfectly valid and if his family find it offensive, that's their problem. I have no intention of ever changing my name (unless I feel like making up a new one)! |
I would take my husband's name, but that's MY choice. No woman should be forced to it. |
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juliekitty
Running dog
Joined: Jun 26, 2006
Posts: 1755
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 3:52 pm Post subject: |
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I like the law where I live.
A spouse by marriage may
(a) use the surname he or she had immediately before the marriage,
(b) use the surname he or she had at birth or by adoption, or
(c) use the surname of his or her spouse by marriage. |
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shopaholic
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 01, 2007
Posts: 623
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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Why don't both of you double-barrel it? i.e. Mr & Mrs Martin-Ward.
Sounds fair to me! |
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Chibi_Neko
Want a Cookie
Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 27
Posts: 1800
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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| shopaholic wrote: | Why don't both of you double-barrel it? i.e. Mr & Mrs Martin-Ward.
Sounds fair to me! |
I would love it to be that way...... but I have a feeling that he dosn't want any changes to his name at all, or if he does, he could be fearful on what his family might think (His mother is pretty conservative)
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mikebw
kyubi no kitsune
Joined: Sep 28, 2007
Age: 31
Posts: 1522
Location: Florida
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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If he agrees to make the change to both of your names, go with it, don't let your nagging feelings ruin it by doubting him. It would be nice if he was ok with letting you keep your surname, but I'm sure your unwillingness is giving him nagging feelings that he probably feels would screw everything up if he talked about them, like a lack of commitment from your side. If you want to cause a giant rift in your relationship bring that up to him, tell him you don't trust him or believe he's being honest. If he's willing to compromise by changing his name like you change yours, be happy about it. Your negative feelings could be feeding his. If one of you are having negative feelings going in to this, it's not going to go well for both of you.
Them's my 2c, probably not worth the cheap metal they are stamped with.
As for me, I don't like my surname. I have nothing to do with my dad's side of the family, I haven't seen or heard from anyone on his side in around 20 years. And I don't like the way the name rolls off my clumsy tongue. I've been wanting to change it to my mom's maiden name, but I'm to lazy to jump through all the necessary hoops. If I were to get married I'd gladly change my last name to hers, unless it was worse, in which case we could both change it to something better.
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