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| What is better: lonelyness or love lost? |
| Lonelyness |
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55% |
[ 10 ] |
| Love Lost |
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44% |
[ 8 ] |
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| Total Votes : 18 |
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| Author |
Message |
Draax
Hummingbird
Joined: Apr 29, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 18
Location: Washington, PA
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 Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: Depressing Situation |
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The media tells us that there is one person for each of us out there, even the one armed, wheelchair bound coal miner with no legs and chronic flatulence has a perfect mate somewhere out in the world. The media also tells us that if we keep our heads up and my minds open to possibilities that we will find that special someone and be happy the rest of our lives.
Well, I found that special someone, that perfect example of the female sex that was everything I was looking for and more. Less than a week after I had met her I asked her out and she assented immediatly. That very night we had a date, a wonderful evening together where we talked about a great many things. I even told her that I had Asperger's Syndrome and, to quench her puzzled look, I described that condition to her in all its vagarities. After my mini-lecture she not only didnt run screaming off into the hills, she wanted to see me again.
We arranged another date the next time we worked together so we could go bowling. She was so lovely and bubbly about our relationship, even one of us could tell she was exited. I never saw her again.
That friday, just 30 minutes before we were to go bowling, she killed herself.
I only know her for 10 days, and we were only dating for 5, but its been a month and I still cant stop thinking about her and the way things might have been if she hadnt done what she did.
Someone who reads this will ineviably want to say, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all". HA! What a joke, whoever came up with that line was either a great fool or a lonely man that never had to experience what he talked about. It is most definatly better to have never loved a soul in your life, than to love someone intensely for only a few hours and have them taken away.
Consider the situation of the baby and its candy. In order to make a baby cry you have to give it a candy, then take it away. The baby wouldnt be upset if you'd never given it anything in the first place. |
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stjarna
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Apr 19, 2008
Posts: 55
Location: Psykologsoffan
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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Terribly sorry to hear about your loss. 
Love lost or loneliness? I cannot answer since both may cause limitless sorrow. |
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Obres
Toucan
Joined: Jul 14, 2007
Posts: 287
Location: NYC
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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| It sounds like you didn't know her as well as you'd like to think. You connected with one side of her for a few days, likely a side she chose to show you. You don't know what she was hiding, and given that she killed herself, it was probably a lot of serious problems and not more of the wonderful person she showed you. |
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D1nk0
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 12, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 1589
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 4:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Obres wrote: | | It sounds like you didn't know her as well as you'd like to think. You connected with one side of her for a few days, likely a side she chose to show you. You don't know what she was hiding, and given that she killed herself, it was probably a lot of serious problems and not more of the wonderful person she showed you. |
Im afraid I will have to agree with Obres on this one Draax  . But Im really sorry that such had to happen to you. Ive had close calls and for years have wondered how they wouldve been different if I'd actually gotten to MEET the person I connected with face-to-face.I wish I had a suggestion for you for how to move on after this but I guess it just has to run its course................................ |
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Willard
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 568
Location: Confederate States of America
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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Pardon me for pointing this out, but:
This poor girl was so miserably unhappy that she took her own life, and you're whining because you didn't get to hookup with her romantically?
Dude, anyone who believes there's only one perfect match for everybody is delusional. You will love and lose many times in this life before you find a partner that fits. Get used to it.
I don't see a single word of sympathy in your post for how much pain she must have been experiencing. Just what you missed out on. That kind of attitude would have done nothing to help her state of mind.
And what if you'd dated for six months or a year? What if you had married? Had kids? Then she killed herself. How would you feel then? Maybe Karma did you a favor here. The loss you're experiencing might have been a thousand times worse.
_________________
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel - but I am, so that's how it comes out."
- Bill Hicks |
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Social_Fantom
Maverick
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Age: 24
Posts: 10889
Location: Watching from the shadows
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I wonder if that's true.
_________________
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
5th Sin: Wrath |
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D1nk0
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 12, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 1589
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 7:37 pm Post subject: |
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| Willard wrote: | | And what if you'd dated for six months or a year? What if you had married? Had kids? Then she killed herself. How would you feel then? Maybe Karma did you a favor here. The loss you're experiencing might have been a thousand times worse. |
Once again , I TOTALLY agree(with the last paragraph-which Ive quoted)!
Draax-do you have further information about this girl following her death? Was she mentally ill by any chance?
But Willard, I dont think its right to automatically defend her actions without knowing more about her and what her issues were.
Might I add, if I were in a LTR and I truly loved the woman(for a long time-meaning years, even decades) and she comitted suicide not only would I be devastated and bereaved but also very angry with her for doing something so hurtful to me and everyone else who loved her. Im really glad I know how to reach out for help when I feel suicidal(which is quite rare for me).
I wouldnt want my family who loves me reciprically to suffer because of my poor judgement at the moment. |
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Kalister1
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 09, 2007
Posts: 2882
Location: California
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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Holy crud. I am so sorry for your loss. This is horrible.
_________________
Warghh!!!!!!!!!!! |
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DanteRF
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 15, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 222
Location: Mars, PA & Slippery Rock University
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Willard is always a f***ing asshole. You didn't know her that long so you have no idea if she was the one for you. It sucks that you can't see the relationship through. Her killing herself just means she wasn't it. |
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MrSinister
Sanity Is Madness
Joined: Oct 20, 2006
Posts: 2579
Location: England
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Social_Fantom wrote: | | They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I wonder if that's true. |
Like Agent K says in Men In Black: "Try it."
_________________
Why so serious? |
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northern_light_girl
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 29, 2008
Posts: 141
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 2:17 pm Post subject: Re: Depressing Situation |
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| Draax wrote: | The media tells us that there is one person for each of us out there, even the one armed, wheelchair bound coal miner with no legs and chronic flatulence has a perfect mate somewhere out in the world. The media also tells us that if we keep our heads up and my minds open to possibilities that we will find that special someone and be happy the rest of our lives.
Well, I found that special someone, that perfect example of the female sex that was everything I was looking for and more. Less than a week after I had met her I asked her out and she assented immediatly. That very night we had a date, a wonderful evening together where we talked about a great many things. I even told her that I had Asperger's Syndrome and, to quench her puzzled look, I described that condition to her in all its vagarities. After my mini-lecture she not only didnt run screaming off into the hills, she wanted to see me again.
We arranged another date the next time we worked together so we could go bowling. She was so lovely and bubbly about our relationship, even one of us could tell she was exited. I never saw her again.
That friday, just 30 minutes before we were to go bowling, she killed herself.
I only know her for 10 days, and we were only dating for 5, but its been a month and I still cant stop thinking about her and the way things might have been if she hadnt done what she did.
Someone who reads this will ineviably want to say, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all". HA! What a joke, whoever came up with that line was either a great fool or a lonely man that never had to experience what he talked about. It is most definatly better to have never loved a soul in your life, than to love someone intensely for only a few hours and have them taken away.
Consider the situation of the baby and its candy. In order to make a baby cry you have to give it a candy, then take it away. The baby wouldnt be upset if you'd never given it anything in the first place. |
Draax, hey this is quite an unusual situation that has taken place here...no wonder it had affected you. It's not the ordinary "lost love" where you lose because you break up. I am sorry you had to go through this and be exposed to such an extreme thing. But it's really not the norm. Really. Love doesn't take place or end like that, 99.9% of the time  This girl had issues and unfortunately after 5 days you couldn't have possibly known...it's just sad you had to go through such a thing. |
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Draax
Hummingbird
Joined: Apr 29, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 18
Location: Washington, PA
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 3:02 pm Post subject: Depressing Situation Reprise |
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| Obres wrote: | | It sounds like you didn't know her as well as you'd like to think. You connected with one side of her for a few days, likely a side she chose to show you. You don't know what she was hiding, and given that she killed herself, it was probably a lot of serious problems and not more of the wonderful person she showed you. |
I feel I had gotten to know her very well, including her issues: her parents were neglectful, not physically but mentally (it is much worse for a person's development to have parents that are always around but dont give a S&@% about their well being), she had chronic sexual abuse problems all throughout high school and college and finally one of her co-workers raped her. Having no freinds or anyone in her life that cared about her, she attempted suicide in January of this year, she was then sent home from college to her parents and soon thereafter started working with me.
While working at this new job, she made several fast freinds and started dating myself. She was soon re-enrolled in a new college and was even accepted into a summer internship that she was very much looking forward to.
I think it is also worth noting that I had told her quite explicidly that I had survived a suicide attempt and thus new exactly what she was going through in terms of her depression. Though I did not use these words exactly, I urged her call me if she would ever have the need to talk. She never called.
I feel I should also mention that she killed herself by ways of throwing herself off a highway overpass.
Now, since I happen to know that she left her house not more than 10 minutes before it happened, I am of 3 minds as to what transpired:
1) She got to the bridge and decided that after so many horrible things happening to her throughout her life, that this kind of abrupt change in her fortunes was too good to be true, thus, jumping.
2) She was driving past the bridge and had a moment of extreme drepression (anyone who has had one knows what I'm talking about) and saw an opportunity in the bridge, thus jumping.
3) (This is the really far fetched one and I was debating whether or not to even post it, knowing how delusional it will sound.) She was very excited about our date that eve and even told her father about it, and she never talked to her father about anything. She was driving to the date and stopped to look off the bridge at traffic to relax before hand (rather like someone will watch the waves come in at the beach to relax). Perhaps she was leaning over the barrier and she lost her balance, her hand slipped, or there was a rather strong gust of wind, in any case, by no fault of her own, she plumetted over the side and down onto the road below, dying shortly after impact.
To preemptivly quash any other questions of this variety, I have not just been sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. I have been looking into her death (thus getting the information about what she said to her father, for example), and looking into her life. After getting all the information I have about her, both from her own lips and what I've been able to find online and from old (for lack of a better word) freinds; I cant help but think that Karma is giving me the finger.
_________________
Draax, Evil Genius |
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ford_prefects_kid
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 18, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 384
Location: CA: Los Angeles and Berkeley
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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I wouldn't say it's karma, so much as the fact that people that have similar mental/emotional difficulties- such as serious suicidal inclinations and depression- can often instantly relate to each other much better than normal people. It's part of what causes that initial spark so quickly- that shared understanding of struggles many people are lucky enough to never experience.
That being said, some of Willard's points make sense here: these sort of connections are deep, fast and wonderful, but in longer-term relationships they can be so dangerous. After only ten days, you're undoubtably in that first "butterflies in your stomach" stage of love. As a relationship develops, any lingering problems like this one significant other might have will end up causing serious emotional pain to the other. Especially with two sensitive people, it can become a downward spiral.
It's why I make it a rule not to date if I'm still seriously suicidal- it's simply not fair to the other person.
It seems like she was already on this path when you met her, and unfortunately you became emotionally involved in her tragedy. I'm sure meeting you and having someone to listen to her gave her a few moments of relief from the emotional pain she was experiencing.
But if at all possible- try not to attach yourself too much to the memory of someone you feel you had "gotten to know very well" in only ten days. Many relationships start off with those "deep stories of the past" conversations- but you're still only getting to know her from what she decided to tell you, and from how she decided to present herself. Nobody, as I'm sure you're learning, is made up entirely of the traits they choose to present to other people. The whole of any individual is so much more complicated than that. You can't truly know she was your soulmate until you learned to see and personally experience all the flaws and hang-ups she didn't show or tell you. |
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