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DietCoke
Hummingbird
Joined: Apr 29, 2008
Age: 32
Posts: 18
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 6:06 am Post subject: |
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Being a parent to my aspie son is amazing. At times it can be very hard work & you'd need the patience of a saint but overall its so rewarding. I have to put lots more time & energy in but what I get back is soooooooo worth it. Sometimes we have a little world of our own & its like no-one else exists & we chat away & just spend time together & we are both so content. He fascinates me every day with the things he says & the way he views the world. Also its never boring for me  as he keeps me on my toes. He is forever asking questions like how do the milk get into the cows udders, if I dug a hole & kept digging would I end up in australia (we are in Ireland), do skyscrapers really scrape the sky??!
Sometimes it can be exhausting though & he has frightened the life out of me by running off & climbing up a fire escape onto a 3 storey building roof  & waving down & telling me he's just checking to see what type of chimneys are up here & looking at me as if to say what's the big deal I won't fall. Luckily the roof was a flat roof. He was also the only child when he was a toddler to go behind the bouncy castle to play as he was more interested in the thing that blew the air in than jumping on the thing!! Or the time he decided to walk to preschool on his own (its only up the road but still). Thankfully this type of behaviour has calmed down a lot.
He is forever amazing me with what he can do. He knows my moblie number which is 10 digits long since he was 4 & can say it backwards just a quick. Once he can spell a word he can do it backwards no problem. He is forever saying to me remember when I used to watch, play or did something & he would explain it vividly. He is only 5 now & he tells me he remembers stuff from when he was around 1.5 which is unreal. He can add, multiply & subtract. He knows there are 6 zeros in a million. He makes me so proud every day but also can make me so  when he says it exactly how he it is. He is a literal thinker & I find it hard to explaiin that you can't just pass comments on peoples appearance. ONly recently he asked a very old woman in the supermarket "how old are you" & "will you die soon". Thankfully she saw the funny side but I was
I could go on but won't bore ye! |
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samssmom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 14, 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there! I think it's cool you asked this. Being the stepmother of an Aspie fully in the throws of trying to figure things out with my husband and his ex, reading the replies helps me to see that we're not alone. We feel SO very alone right now. We live in a small town, and between my SS (stepson) getting into regular trouble at school, and my SD (step daughter) now also having problems that I think are related to not getting nearly enough attention because it's always about my SS, we're well known in our community for having "problem children". But I challenge any one of them to do a better job with the hand we've been dealt.
It's very easy for parents of NTs to tell people like us what crappy parents we are and how, if we'd just "step up as parents" (direct quote from one of my SS's teachers), our kids could be just like theirs... perfect little drones who don't make a fuss, and whose parents haven't taught them to work through normal kid conflicts without involving the school and the police and attorneys.
So what's it like? Lonely. Isolating. Frustrating. Deflating. Humbling. Exhausting. Positively the most difficult job on earth... but wait, that's just parenting. Parenting an Aspie is that on overdrive. Parenting is also enriching, and it pushes parents to live outside of themselves, which is typically a good thing. And hopefully, the end result is a little person who brings love and beauty into the lives of others.
I would not necessarily want to make my SS NT, because I know that once he's a little older, he'll be a funky, cool guy. His capacity for sweetness and goodness is at times mind boggling. He can behave so badly, then turn around and do something that reveals an amazing spirit. He has a wicked sense of humor that's a problem right now, but will be brilliant when he's older. He loves to have a laugh, and though it's in his own quirky way, he loves to converse.
That said, I would be lying if I didn't say I'd like him to be NT for three reasons: 1) At least right now, at 13, it would make his life easier and more pleasurable (I have two stepkids close in age, and I can see how much easier things are for my SD than for my SS -- it's hard to be any kind of kid, but being an Aspie is so wrought with difficulties that are heartbreaking to see from the eyes of a parent); 2) To make my SD's life easier (we're trying to work on this, but our household revolves around my SS -- SD does not get the attention she wants and needs for all of the adults having to save my SS all the time - it leaves us depleted and often not as "there" for her as we should be); 3) It would make my DH's and my life easier (I know that will sound incredbily selfish, and likely is not the politically correct response, but it's true -- parenting is the single most challenging endeavor a person can embark upon, and parenting a child profoundly impacted by a developmental disorder complicates this already difficult job -- I have SO much more respect for my parents now that I have children in my life, and my SS being an Aspie just reinforces that.)
I love my SS. I value everything that he teaches me daily about him, about me, and about life. I was raised with a dad telling me that life is not fair, and believe me, every day that I spend with my SS, I see that very clearly. It's not fair that such a beautiful boy has to go through life with a way of being that just doesn't work as well with how our society expects him to be. And it's not fair that everyone around him walks on eggshells trying to figure out how we can adapt to him to help him be "okay" in our NT world. I am new to the Aspie world and just trying to figure out how to be the best parent I can be, even if I am just a stepmother. I would marry my husband and his two kids all over again, even knowing how difficult things are right now. |
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AnnePerry
Emu Egg
Joined: May 21, 2008
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 6:32 pm Post subject: Parents of a 44 yr. old Aspie |
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We knew we had a "different" baby when we took him home from the hospital! He didn't cry like a baby...he screamed like he was in pain.... after one and a half years of sleepless nights, no babbling baby talk, no "da da" or "ma ma", no creeping or crawling, no recognition of us as parents, no playing with toys appropriately...FINALLY a pediatrician agreed with us..we had a problem. He was diagnosed over the years as retarded (even though he was reading at age 4), aphasic and mildly cerebral palsied. I was also blamed as a "refrigerator mother"...my coldness toward him was felt by him so he withdrew!!! Even though we loved him without reservation and tried constantly to hold or hug him...he always resisted...sort of like hugging a log! Autism was suggested but he was too "good"...At a conference in the early '80's I heard Dr. Maria Denkla talk about a newly rediscovered diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome and was so excited to hear her describe our son to a T!! Private schools (public was mostly a disaster), the "Doman Delecato creep crawl program" at home which seemed to get him speaking more appropriately, my going back to college for a Masters in Spec. Educ., support from friends and a strong marriage with a good sense of humor got us to where we are today. He has certification in Library Science, reads only non-fiction, has a great memory, writes well, lives by himself with our financial support,but...cannot hold a job, has no real friends, wants to have a meaningful relationship but hasn't a clue as to how to begin, is a loner by choice and gets irritated if he is with others who may want to do something he is not interested in, (in other words a typical Aspie!).
We are at an age where friends talk of grandchildren, of their kids professional lives, where their holidays are filled with family young and old. Do we envy them? You bet! Do we love our son...yes, beyond description...but would we change things if we could? In a heart beat! Bringing him up convinced us one child was more than enough (and we met a number of families where there were more than one Aspie kid).
Maybe adult Aspies don't see themselves as needing to be fixed...that's part of being an Aspie...the amazing self centered-ness! Be aware...we "normals" around you trying to love you are suffering...it's not a good way to live. |
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teacherparent
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 7:40 am Post subject: being a parent of an aspie |
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I constantly fight the guilt of my own parenting. I always question my parentling abilities and worry about my son. I strugggle to unbderstand and to connect with all the things about him I just don't understand. I fall back on my younger son with whom I have so much more in common with.
I try to become a better person daily, in order to be a better parent for him. My wife and I get tired and frustrated and we struggle with our own relationships at times. So much is dedicated to my son in terms of time and effort it can become difficult to say the least.
It's a relief to have discovered this site and read the posts of other parents and those with AS. Thank you to you all.
Allen |
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lisa81
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2008
Posts: 591
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 1:06 am Post subject: |
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 well, I often get parents disagree and against me, and autistic teens and adults with me.
Whats it like with a child with autism.
Well my son has always just been that to me... my son. I think he's like any other child and make sure I treat him like one ( no not force him to act and do things like them... but support and encourage all his interests and likes and dislikes )
I've never been able to connect with parents in my own shoes and I don't know why. I HATED watching these doctors treat him as if he's some science experiment and some stupid label when he's the boy I've had all along.
It's hard....
My son nor the autism is hard and hurts. It's society and the way people see all you. I HATE IT. I wish I could run away with him into our little world where nobody will hurt him or treat him like he's some alien species.
I hate all this puzzle bullshit ( excuse my french ) talks society has.
I dunno, maybe I'm in deny, maybe I haven't truly accepted it or maybe I refuse to follow everyone who speaks stupid about "healing, saving, fixing" their child.
I often cringe my teeth when I hear parents say "my son is inside somewhere and I gotta get him out".
I'm sorry, but I think thats ripping precious time with your child away looking for an expected child they'll never get back, and instead enjoy this new world.
My son is my pride and joy, I will never give up on him and he knows that. At times I do feel like a push over and unappreciated, but I can't give up cause if I do and leave him in the hands of doctors and society... then I'm a failure.
My son and I have come along way. He never got treatment or help. It was all me. He progresses and shows the world they're all wrong without meds or diets. He's come along way and the major ingredient is his mother's devotion, love and support and understanding and I'm open to learning and hearing out what all these people say. I'm also very against all you being treated as if something is wrong with you, when it's us that has the problem. we're ignorant and blinded by society and you guys are just amazing severe or mild. |
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mutti
Butterfly
Joined: May 31, 2008
Age: 57
Posts: 9
Location: London area UK
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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| In the early years differcult,temper tantrum coming from nowhere.Just hugging when I didnt know what else to do.Scared when depression took over.Blessed relief wnen DX at last an explanation.Now it makes sense |
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cinnamonbun
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 27, 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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i agree with one of the first responses that says it's both exhilarating and exhausting.
there are moments when i'm so thrilled to experience being involved in the life of my unique son.
then, there are moments when i don't know what to do. sometimes, it can get scary (physical).
other moments are embarrassing b/c my son will throw temper tantrums in public and try to make others think we are physically abusing him.
and still other moments i feel guilty b/c i feel like i must be doing something wrong.
even with the knowledge of what's going on, i lose it b/c he tests me and pushes my buttons.
the thing is - i wouldn't feel any of this if i didn't love him. i just wish he was more cooperative. he gets in his own way of doing fun things and pursuing his interests. And i hate that b/c i work so hard to provide that for him. |
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nlj
Hummingbird
Joined: Jun 23, 2008
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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i mostly feel like i'm living in alternate universes.
There's one universe - when my aspie is having a bad day and nothing you can do will fix it. You feel like a bad parent, people look at you strangely, and everyone thinks they can do a better job than you. Nevermind all the sacrifices you have made. He never sees things the same as the rest of the family. He doesn't realize the things that he does and thinks you're a liar. He doesn't think he can do any wrong and blames everything on everyone else. he drains you, and you have little energy to take care of yourself, or pursue your own hobbies and dreams.
Then there's another universe - where he's so smart and has these unique gifts. He comes up with solutions and answers b/c of his unique perspective on things and it opens your mind into possibilities you never dreamed of (and I'm an ideas person!). he is smart beyond his years and has big dreams to do amazing things with robotics. you can't wait to see what he'll come up with. you're amazed by how fast he can put complicated toys together. he likes a wide range of people, regardless of age, gender or race, and seems to be mostly attracted to people b/c of their high IQ or possibly senses their own autism/AS.
sometimes you live on egg shells, because you never know when a meltdown is coming. plans can be altered in a heartbeat. you may have been planning for something and looking forward for it for so long, and then the meltdown happens and you can't do it anymore.
you're not sure if a bad mood is b/c of Aspie's or just being a kid. b/c kids act up and your aspie acts up. but the nt kid should be punished and the aspie kid should get a break. it's very confusing.
you don't understand why your aspie would bully his sister when he's been bullied so much at school.
you do everything possible to make his life easier, and his life still seems hard. you spend so much time reading and learning hoping to find more solutions. if you can at least make the home/house aspie-friendly, maybe the days will be easier. you don't want a "cure" for asperger's. but it sure would be nice if the temper tantrums could go away. and you know you're not the only one who wants that. the aspie doesn't want it either. |
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tracytoon
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 22, 2008
Posts: 4
Location: Pacific Northwest
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: What it's like being the parent |
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The alternate universe comment was pretty accurate. While most parents are advocates for their kids, I always wondered if there would ever be any days that were easy. Then I would think about how difficult it is for my son and I slogged on. I always got offended when people made comments about what an albatross it/he must be. My son is a gift, never a burden.
They (docs, teachers, experts) told me he would never learn to read. In fact, he was almost in the third grade when it happened. We were waiting in line to be seated at a restaurant and he just started reading the fire extinguisher on the wall. He read far ahead of his age group. They said he would never have a sense of humor or understand it. In fact, he has inherited the family sarcasm gene. He does get a little offended if the humor is directed at him. I've second-guessed myself constantly. I thought I was so great at planning and knowing. Then I kicked myself for thinking he would enjoy something like Seaworld.
While I appreciated all of the information that eventually came out about AS, I stopped relying on others to tell me what to do and used parental instinct. I refused to force my son to be "normal". I was not going to be like the teacher who would forcefully grab his chin so he would make eye contact.
I carry anti-bacterial wipes to restaurants. I ignore people in stores who give us odd looks when we discuss the resilient nature of the cockroach. It's made me a much more empathetic and patient nurse/human being.
I have the same doubts and worries that any other parent has. I worry about who would take care of him if something were to happen to me. I worry about the world beating him down. |
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