Guys, what to do if her children scare you?

Flismflop · Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:36 pm Post subject:

I have a dillemma that's been bothering me a lot for the past year. At my church, one of the single women there has been fancying me for at least 6 years now. She knows that I find her physically attractive. Aside from us both being in the choir and single, we don't really have much in common that I know of yet. All of our conversations together have been low on substance; I just wanted to keep my interest implied, which she appreciates me for doing. Something has kept me from pursuing her and for the past year or so I have been taking heed to it: I'm afraid of the two children she has from a previous marraige.

The woman's 14 year old daughter and 13 year old son remind me of the people I'd had problems being accepted by when I was their age. In addition to that, I have a stepfather myself and even after having known him for at least 28 years I still haven't accepted him (though a big part of that is because he's an NT who doesn't respect "the ways of the aspie"). The woman is like 6'2" in height, so I know that her children will probably become taller than me within the next couple of years (I'm 5'7"). The childrens' father is re-married, lives in the area and goes to the same church, so at least he is around for them. I haven't said much to the daughter, haven't said anything to the son, and try hard to avoid contact with either of them. I just don't know what to say to them.

I'd like to get married and have children of my own someday. Needless to say, children who know me from day one are going to accept me as I am.

So the smart thing to do is accept my fear and look for women that are more compatible. I've been doing that, but I've made stupid mistakes that upset this woman, such as accidentally putting my stuff down next to her's in the pew, then picking it up and sitting somewhere else - after she had already noticed that my stuff was there (although she has done the exact same thing to me before). She was standing up in front of the congregation, sharing some joyful annecdote when she all of a sudden started holding back tears and then turned away, not being able to continue with what she had been saying. Her 70-something year old father was there and comforted her. He's another person in her family that I seem to have absolutely nothing in common with (he loves watching football on TV - Not only do I not like spectator sports but I also don't watch anything on commercial TV). I felt bad and later greeted her the next time our paths crossed, which she was all too happy to accept.

I wish I could explain to her the exact reason that I avoid her, but I don't know how to say "because I'm afraid of your kids". I have a hard enough time explaining that here to my fellow aspies. I'm obviously not going to give her an ultimatum that involves keeping her children away from me. It would make it a lot easier if I could say that, but I just can't.

I suspect that there probably aren't a lot of aspies who are stepfathers (or in a similar position), but I thought I'd post this out of hope that there might be some.

It's taken me a long time just to decide to post this message, so please treat me nicely even if you have some reason to be irked by what I've said (if anything, then it was unintentional).
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