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riverotter
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 11, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 812
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
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 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:56 am Post subject: "Dear Abby...today's column was appalling." |
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DAD KEEPS DAUGHTER'S AUTISM A SECRET FROM HIS PARENTS (Dear Abby, 06/09/09)
DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 3-year-old niece I'll call "Serena." She is my brother "Simon's" daughter. Serena is mildly autistic but has made amazing progress. We're optimistic that she'll be indistinguishable in a few years.
The problem is, Simon is adamant that he does not want our parents to know about Serena's condition. Mom and Dad are good people, but lousy grandparents. Simon thinks they would be judgmental toward him and would gossip about matters he would prefer be kept private. He might be right. But because he is keeping them in the dark, his relationship with them has deteriorated. Our parents haven't seen Serena since she was a baby.
Simon has threatened that if I tell our parents about Serena's autism, he will never speak to me again. That would cost me a relationship not only with him, but also with my niece. I have encouraged him to come clean, but he refuses.
What should I do? Should I stay out of it, or intervene? And is this kind of situation typical with families who have children with special needs? -- UNCLE WITH A SECRET
DEAR UNCLE: When a family member is diagnosed with a mental health disorder, some families consider it to be something shameful, and "circle the wagons" to hide it. While it is regrettable, this is the path your brother has chosen. Not knowing your parents' level of sophistication, I'm guessing he may be right about them and that he prefers to allow them into his daughter's life only after her problem has become "indistinguishable in a few years" -- if ever.
If you value your relationship with Simon, do not reveal his secret. Obviously he trusts you, or he wouldn't have taken you into his confidence. If you betray him, your relationship will never be the same.
DEAR WP COMMUNITY:
How many things about this are horrifying? Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 to express your displeasure at Abby's response to "UNCLE WITH A SECRET." As a syndicated columnist whose website claims she is "the most widely syndicated newspaper columnist in the world", Abby's daily advice column is printed in about 1,400 newspapers worldwide, and boasts a daily readership of more than 110 million people. |
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riverotter
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 11, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 812
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:15 am Post subject: |
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....and here is the response I sent to Abby online. I pray she (her staff, or elves, or whoever works for her) reads it.
Dear Abby,
I was very disheartened by your response to "Uncle with a secret," who wrote to you regarding his niece "Serena." (06/09/09) Serena is described as "mildly Autistic" and the family has responded with a great shame rather than loving support. I feel that you have missed a wonderful opportunity to educate the public about Autism, what it is (a brain wired differently, and in some ways better than, that of most people) and what it is not (a condition to be ashamed of).
I invite you to check out Wrongplanet (www.wrongplanet.net), the online resource and community for Autism and Asperger's, which is what most likely Serena has if she is described as being mildly Autistic. Our American culture celebrates diversity in so many ways and the time has come for us to celebrate neurodiversity as well. Why should Serena have to be forced to be "indistinguishable" from anything? That is the question the family should be asking themselves. |
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Lene
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 28, 2007
Posts: 412
Location: Pluto
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:37 am Post subject: |
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Actually, I kind of agree with her response. I think it would be underhand to tell the grandparents without the brother's permission.
But yeah, a short paragraph about acceptance of autism and how there isn't any shame about having it would have been a nice addition. |
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Island
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 07, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 26
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:59 am Post subject: |
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| Lene wrote: | Actually, I kind of agree with her response. I think it would be underhand to tell the grandparents without the brother's permission.
But yeah, a short paragraph about acceptance of autism and how there isn't any shame about having it would have been a nice addition. |
I agree.
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What fresh hell is this?
Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation. |
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LeKiwi
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 27, 2007
Posts: 2594
Location: The murky waters of my mind...
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Island wrote: | | Lene wrote: | Actually, I kind of agree with her response. I think it would be underhand to tell the grandparents without the brother's permission.
But yeah, a short paragraph about acceptance of autism and how there isn't any shame about having it would have been a nice addition. |
I agree. |
I'd third that... also, if the grandparents really are that bad, then that could just be another thing to complicate the life of a girl who's probably confused enough as it is. "Grandparents are meant to be nice and kind, so why are mine so mean? What am I doing wrong?"
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We are a fever, we are a fever, we ain't born typical...
New Blog: http://onelittleaspergian.blogspot.com/ |
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DejaQ
Drill fork! It can drill and fork! ...Mostly fork.
Joined: Feb 18, 2007
Age: 18
Posts: 1978
Location: The Silver Devastation
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 5:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, I don't see what could be so wrong about the article. I guess I could complain about the "disorder" part, but I'm not going to get strung out over details. She wasn't saying autistics are the vermin of the Earth. |
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riverotter
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 11, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 812
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Ok...maybe I just read it too early in the morning or something. People are going to do what they do regardless of what I think about it- something I have to continually remind myself of. |
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CockneyRebel
Sid The Love Rat is a Sweet Pea :O)
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 34
Posts: 21106
Location: Out in the evening, with me two best Rat Mates :O)
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:19 am Post subject: |
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I'm not giving my personal information to that bitch. She'll send me a virus.
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Sid The Rat is everything that I stand for. We're both large, proud Punkers with Cockney accents. We both have the same issues, as well. I don't see anything wrong, with that. I was put on this planet, to make myself happy. Sid :O) |
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Purplefluffychainsaw
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 28, 2005
Age: 20
Posts: 345
Location: Oxford
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: |
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| LeKiwi wrote: | | Island wrote: | | Lene wrote: | Actually, I kind of agree with her response. I think it would be underhand to tell the grandparents without the brother's permission.
But yeah, a short paragraph about acceptance of autism and how there isn't any shame about having it would have been a nice addition. |
I agree. |
I'd third that... also, if the grandparents really are that bad, then that could just be another thing to complicate the life of a girl who's probably confused enough as it is. "Grandparents are meant to be nice and kind, so why are mine so mean? What am I doing wrong?" |
The uncle said the kid hadn't seen her grandparents though, so chances are she wouldn't notice.
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LeKiwi
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 27, 2007
Posts: 2594
Location: The murky waters of my mind...
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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That's what I meant - she isn't going to know any different, and if they're as horrible as the author says then she's probably better off without them in her life.
The 'Abby' lady didn't pass judgement on autism or autistics at all - she just said what she thought would be the right thing to do in those family circumstances. Nothing wrong with that, it's what she's meant to do.
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We are a fever, we are a fever, we ain't born typical...
New Blog: http://onelittleaspergian.blogspot.com/ |
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RainSong
The Argumentive Lunatic
Joined: May 02, 2006
Posts: 4205
Location: Ohio
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: |
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I agreed with the original response (ie, Abby's). The grandparents really may cause more problems than help, and besides, the sister has no right to tell them against the parents' wishes. Actually, she annoyed me because of that.
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“I shall not commit the fashionable stupidity of regarding everything I cannot explain as a fraud.” - C.G.Jung |
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roche12
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 10, 2008
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:13 am Post subject: |
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"But yeah, a short paragraph about acceptance of autism and how there isn't any shame about having it would have been a nice addition."
Why? The writer was asking about telling the grandparents, they saw no problem with telling them.
"Not knowing your parents' level of sophistication" This is key, this means your parents maybe ignorant fools so not telling them may be a good thing in a nice way. |
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westernwild
Toucan
Joined: Oct 13, 2007
Posts: 255
Location: The wild, wild West
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:02 am Post subject: |
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| LeKiwi wrote: | That's what I meant - she isn't going to know any different, and if they're as horrible as the author says then she's probably better off without them in her life.
The 'Abby' lady didn't pass judgement on autism or autistics at all - she just said what she thought would be the right thing to do in those family circumstances. Nothing wrong with that, it's what she's meant to do. |
Actually, she DID pass judgment, in several ways. The worst was when she called autism a "mental illness", by saying that sometimes families consider "mental illness" to be "shameful." AS/ASD is NOT a "mental illness." I don't know how many times that has to be said for it to sink in to the general public, and I'm sick to death of hearing prominent public figures perpetuate it. Of course, hate groups like FAAAS and Autism Speaks sure don't help matters any, but that's another thread.
I certainly agree that she also missed a golden opportunity to describe what AS/ASD is and the importance of public and family acceptance. That pissed me off, too.
However, I can kind of see the uncle's point, even though I disagree with his method. I know the type of people the grandparents are described as being, and they not only cannot be educated on AS/ASD, they would blame the parents somehow, constantly be on their case about it, always trying to "cure" the kid instead of accepting, not listening as to how to properly interact with the child and wanting to "teach" them a "lesson", second-guessing the doctors and psychologists all the time, always wanting them to "shush" at family gatherings, making the kid feel like sh** all the time, etc., etc. Been there, done that, and seen it way too many times. And that's why Abby's failure to provide a little public awareness and education is infuriating. She's just perpetuating the cycle.
Of course, ever since Abby's daughter Pauline took over for her, she's been a terrible, terrible, shitty columnist. Her mother was never that great, but Pauline has taken it way down to the bottom of the shitter.
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Queen of the anti-FAAAS. FAAAS does NOT speak for me and many other families!!
Life is not about waiting out storms, but learning to dance in the rain-Anonymous |
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Lene
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 28, 2007
Posts: 412
Location: Pluto
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 1:14 pm Post subject: |
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| roche12 wrote: | "But yeah, a short paragraph about acceptance of autism and how there isn't any shame about having it would have been a nice addition."
Why? The writer was asking about telling the grandparents, they saw no problem with telling them.
. |
To be honest, I mainly wrote that so I wouldn't be flamed for being 'anti-autism'  .
I agree; it's an agony-aunt column, not a political platform for autistic rights. I didn't mean that I thought Abby ought to have included a passage on acceptance, just that it would have been a nice touch if she had (would counteract the whole 'some people think autism is shameful' and 'mental illness' bits). |
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LeKiwi
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 27, 2007
Posts: 2594
Location: The murky waters of my mind...
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:02 pm Post subject: |
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| westernwild wrote: | | LeKiwi wrote: | That's what I meant - she isn't going to know any different, and if they're as horrible as the author says then she's probably better off without them in her life.
The 'Abby' lady didn't pass judgement on autism or autistics at all - she just said what she thought would be the right thing to do in those family circumstances. Nothing wrong with that, it's what she's meant to do. |
Actually, she DID pass judgment, in several ways. The worst was when she called autism a "mental illness", by saying that sometimes families consider "mental illness" to be "shameful." AS/ASD is NOT a "mental illness." I don't know how many times that has to be said for it to sink in to the general public, and I'm sick to death of hearing prominent public figures perpetuate it. Of course, hate groups like FAAAS and Autism Speaks sure don't help matters any, but that's another thread.
I certainly agree that she also missed a golden opportunity to describe what AS/ASD is and the importance of public and family acceptance. That pissed me off, too.
However, I can kind of see the uncle's point, even though I disagree with his method. I know the type of people the grandparents are described as being, and they not only cannot be educated on AS/ASD, they would blame the parents somehow, constantly be on their case about it, always trying to "cure" the kid instead of accepting, not listening as to how to properly interact with the child and wanting to "teach" them a "lesson", second-guessing the doctors and psychologists all the time, always wanting them to "shush" at family gatherings, making the kid feel like sh** all the time, etc., etc. Been there, done that, and seen it way too many times. And that's why Abby's failure to provide a little public awareness and education is infuriating. She's just perpetuating the cycle.
Of course, ever since Abby's daughter Pauline took over for her, she's been a terrible, terrible, shitty columnist. Her mother was never that great, but Pauline has taken it way down to the bottom of the shitter. |
She never said "Mental illness", she said 'Mental health disorder' - and last I checked, there was a difference in those two terms and autism/Aspergers is a mental health disorder - whether it's truly 'mental' or physiological in nature is a bit beside the point. That's not saying it's a bad thing or that there's anything wrong or that it's an illness. She's an agony aunt commenting on whether or not someone should 'spill the beans' to a family member about another family member, when they'd probably not deal with it very nicely and ostracise the person in question - she's not meant to be commenting on autism or autism rights or whatever, and she's not. Some people DO have those attitudes to people being diagnosed with something like autism - she didn't say "I would shun the girl" or "You should shun the girl", she said some people react like that when they find out someone has something - and they do.
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We are a fever, we are a fever, we ain't born typical...
New Blog: http://onelittleaspergian.blogspot.com/ |
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