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trialanderror
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 90
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 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:37 pm Post subject: compulsive liars |
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| I am trying to figure out how to help my 5yo with AS control her lying. She lies about everything no matter how small. She never tells a story that is fact. I tell her all the time to not tell so many stories so now she has taken to preceeding each one with "this is not a story, for real" and it turns out she rode a pink elephant to school. I have AS and my mom said that it used to make everyone mad when I did that. I find it very difficult to not enhance a true tale when there is no need, but she is so far out there. Is this common for AS? Is there anything I can do to curb this? She is really getting on everyone's last nerve. I know we are supposd to accept her for who she is, but her tales are getting so commonplace that we automatically think she is lying and have to really make an effort to check things out before accusing her. 9 times out of 10 she was telling tales,though. This is so hard!Please advise. |
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catspurr
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 16, 2008
Posts: 781
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Quit calling your kid a liar. |
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trialanderror
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 90
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry if I offended anyone. It is stressing me out. I know what it can do to have no one believe you because your version is so much more interesting than the truth. I want to help her so she doesn't have to grow up like I did. Awareness has helped develop ways to help. That's all I was asking for. |
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sodarktheshadows
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 06, 2007
Posts: 420
Location: Toronto, Canada
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:58 pm Post subject: |
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have you tried telling her the story of the boy who cried wolf? i think its kinda similar to the situation as i'm interpreting it. don't know if it would help, but it certainly can't hurt.
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catspurr
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 16, 2008
Posts: 781
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:02 pm Post subject: |
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Accepting doesn't necessarily mean do nothing.
I have no idea why she has chosen to say stories that aren't real only. I do however understand the extremity factor.
It could be that someone had told her that she lacked imagination. She could have taken that to the extreme meaning that she felt like she had to continously make up stories in order to get rewarded or be thought of as normal.
That is just one example of a reason but I really don't know her reasons. Something must have triggered that response or she could just be repeating what she had heard at school.
She's not trying to be a liar.
Ask her. Ask her why she is talking only of stories that aren't true.
She may tell you, if she doesn't then tell her okay, tell me when you are ready.
If she doesn't tell you that day, ask her the next day.
You may get your answer at a later time.
Also tell her about conversation and real answers verses fictional answers. Explain when one or the other is appropriate. |
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krex
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Age: 45
Posts: 4995
Location: Village of the Damned
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:06 pm Post subject: |
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Does she have any creative outlets for her imagination? Perhaps more time to work on art or writing stories or telling them to a tape recorder ? It sounds like her fantasy is so interesting to her that she can't imagine that others ould not prefer her version of reality to the boring one....? We are very visual and I am sure that her stories SEEM as real to her as if they did happen. I honestly she will outgrow this and that may happen earlier if you can find a way for her to direct her imagination into some creative out let .....acting, painting, sculpture, story telling....annoying now may mean that she will have something she can succeed at as an adult ...unless she gets the message that she is bad and her imagination is bad. Understanding the complexities of why it is OK to "tell stories" to entertain people but not OK to lie is actually quit a complex concept.....this to shall pass.
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Island
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 07, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 26
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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(A liar is someone who lies - you apply the connotation. I don't think there was anything really wrong with the original posting.)
Yes, maybe use the tale of the boy who cried wolf to illustrate the possible consequences of lying. Use visuals - maybe the cartoon version. Maybe she doesn't understand the concept of lying? Maybe you could go over with her (by using your own example) what is a lie and what is not.
Hope that helps.
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trialanderror
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 90
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:16 pm Post subject: |
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| I'll try asking her. My interpretation of it is that she is the youngest of the bunch and she wants to feel important. Her stories usually are a one-upmanship to something anyonelse has said. After the initial one, it snowballs into everything from what she ate to who took what toy. I know some of that is just kids, but she takes it so much further. She will tattle on the dog for human things and on me and my husband for things we didn't even know about. We try to tell her everyday that she is loved and her ideas are important because we know she has this inferiority thing. I noticed it getting worse when she was about half way through kindergarden and she was struggling to get S's on her report card. SHe not only has this AS to deal with, but she was the youngest in class and keeping up on an average scale. I can't expect her to understand the details of this, but seeing that she did not have all S's was a turning point for her. I noticed a lot lately that she says "my teacher said..." or "my teacher has..." and then something really off the wall follows. I can't rewind the clock. I need to do damage control. I am going to homeschool because she got 150 times worse when mainstreamed so she isn't ready. Besides asking her, is there something I can add to her daily schedule to reform better habits? |
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trialanderror
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 90
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:22 pm Post subject: |
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| I posted while others were as well. Thanks for the imagination outlet ideas. SHe is EXTREMELY creative and she definately is not stimulated enough there (not sure how to satisfy that insatiable urge). I will try adding more constructive creative time to her day. I try really hard not to make her look "bad" for her stories. I try to point out how an individual story may have hurt someone, if it did. AS or not, we live in the world together and lies do hurt. Even when not aimed any place in particular. |
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catspurr
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 16, 2008
Posts: 781
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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| trialanderror wrote: | | I'll try asking her. My interpretation of it is that she is the youngest of the bunch and she wants to feel important. Her stories usually are a one-upmanship to something anyonelse has said. After the initial one, it snowballs into everything from what she ate to who took what toy. I know some of that is just kids, but she takes it so much further. She will tattle on the dog for human things and on me and my husband for things we didn't even know about. We try to tell her everyday that she is loved and her ideas are important because we know she has this inferiority thing. I noticed it getting worse when she was about half way through kindergarden and she was struggling to get S's on her report card. SHe not only has this AS to deal with, but she was the youngest in class and keeping up on an average scale. I can't expect her to understand the details of this, but seeing that she did not have all S's was a turning point for her. I noticed a lot lately that she says "my teacher said..." or "my teacher has..." and then something really off the wall follows. I can't rewind the clock. I need to do damage control. I am going to homeschool because she got 150 times worse when mainstreamed so she isn't ready. Besides asking her, is there something I can add to her daily schedule to reform better habits? |
Ouch. I don't know if this is the case but if this started occuring after kindergarten had started, something is going on in school that is making her feel inadequate. If it's not her conjuring up these feelings herself based on comparing herself to others, it could be what the teacher or other kids are saying.
She could have also heard the teacher tell her to work on her imagination and she took it to the extreme.
As far as reforming goes.
How do you, yourself feel about repetition? Does it drive you crazy? When you have to do something on repeat?
About her tattling, it sounds like she is mimicking what she sees from her peers.
If there is something going on that is upsetting her and she doesn't generally tell you how she feels or about anyone that hurt her feelings, she may be mimicking others behaviors that are upsetting her to try to tell you something is bothering her but she can't tell you.
I'd say just keep your eye open on the matter.
After a week, give updates if you figured it out. 
Edited to include: She may also just be imitating her peers with no feelings of distress to try to work on certain areas but she doesn't understand the differences between events and when the right time to say such things is. |
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trialanderror
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 90
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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Will do. I am interested for her to start the day tomorrow. There are a lot more ways to see things than I thought. I get so stuck in my AS funk sometimes and forget that my outside-the-box is not necessarily hers. Wow. To be a fly on the wall in my house with so many imaginations at work  Between my daughter, son, husband and myself (all with AS) and another daughter that is just a bit dramatic we make quite a motley crew! Wouldn't want it any other way. I love my life. |
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catspurr
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 16, 2008
Posts: 781
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:40 pm Post subject: |
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| I like your user name by the way. I'm sorry if I was cold in my first response. |
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trialanderror
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 90
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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| No problem. If living in this life has taught me anything well, it's that everything is left to interpretation and we each have the right to decide what that is. |
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Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:18 am Post subject: |
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| catspurr wrote: | | Quit calling your kid a liar. |
That's a great point. I know i sometimes did something I never would have done originally simply because I knew I was being blamed for it. the way i figured it was I'll get in trouble for this anyway so I might as well do it. Other times I might lie to save myself from the embarassment of telling the truth, though thinking back on it y lies only caused more embarassment than the truth would have. Like once at daycamp I was accidentally given a name tag that said Addie. I told my friend Addie I'd let her have it, but the counselor kept it. So I told Addie I lost it so she wouldn't think I was a liar for not giving it to her (it seemed logical at the time). However, I never started lying until i got fed up with being called a liar every time I told the truth.
Also five year olds have difficulty separating reality from fantasy. If she reads Clifford books and then you take her to see clifford at the library, she is apt to be expecting to see a giant dog larger than the library standing beside it, rather than a person dressed up.
Maybe try saying "that would make a nice book, and we can write it later if you like, but right now i'm interested in what you did today." |
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Pandora
Cat Lady
Joined: Jun 18, 2005
Age: 47
Posts: 4684
Location: Townsville
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 4:55 am Post subject: |
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I don't believe 5 year olds really understand the concept of lying. Stories such as riding to school on a pink elephant are not lies, they are confabulations or even wishful thinking. It would be a big mistake to call this little girl a liar because that suggests she is deliberately choosing to be untruthful when she knows exactly what the truth is.
The line between truth and fiction is often blurred in such young children, especially since they are encouraged to pretend and do imaginative play and they have storybooks that show things such as kids riding to school on a dinosaur, talking cats and dogs, and lots of other things that don't really happen.
By all means explain about telling the truth but try not to make your daughter feel as if she is a bad girl for telling tall stories. I had imaginary friends at the same age and thought storybook stories were true.
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