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samssmom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 14, 2008
Posts: 20
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 Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:20 am Post subject: |
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Indeed, and I think I made the mistake of crossing that line with him. The problem is that I often catch him doing things he's not supposed to do when his dad is not around to catch him. And lately, it seems like he does it on purpose -- waits until his dad is not around, then he looks up stuff on-line that he knows he's not supposed to look up. He frequently asks me to lie to my husband or not tell him what he's doing, and gets very angry when I tell him that I don't lie to his dad.
Alas, my husband and I have agreed that it's best that if he's up to mischief when I'm the only adult there, I'll just let his dad know and he can deal with it. Right now, I think I need to focus on rebuilding trust, and just help with all the other stuff in the background (I help the parents out a lot with all his IEP stuff, attending meetings with the school, etc.) I can still help his parents in that way that I feel is so important, but I need to leave parenting him up to his dad. |
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Tortuga
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 12, 2007
Posts: 519
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:27 am Post subject: |
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| If he has a problem with inappropriate internet usage, your husband should take away the internet when he's not home. That rule would have to come from him and he would have to enforce it. |
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samssmom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 14, 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:48 am Post subject: |
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He doesn't have any internet priviledges when his dad's not home. He does this when his dad is in the bathroom, mows the lawn, is watching TV -- essentially any time his dad isn't right there. And even when he is, he'll still try. Our computer sits in between our living room and kitchen so that no matter where we are, we can see it. I've watched my SS peek over his shoulder to see if his dad is watching. We're thinking that we might just tell him that we dont' have internet any more as a means of saving money because he is pretty relentless.
Part of it is that I notice things that my husband doesn't. I don't know if it's just a gender thing, that women seem to have eyes on the back of their heads, or if it's just a personality thing. I just notice stuff with both of my stepkids that my husband doesn't notice until I point it out. And my SS lies to his dad all the time about what he's watching. My husband believes him, then I'll see that he's lying and I call him on it.
Example: The other day, my husband, SS and I were in the kitchen and SS was online. My husband saw something that he didn't like that looked like fighting. My husband stopped what he was doing and asked my SS if he was watching fighting. SS said no, that he was wathcing skateboarding on YouTube and the scene his dad saw was some guys goofing off. Then my husband left to use the bathroom, and I kept keeping an eye on SS.
I noticed that he was watching YouTube clips of punky kids harassing homeless people, and my SS was cracking up laughing. I was so appalled by what he was watching, and I got very angry with him. I explained to him that what these people were doing was very cruel, and I told him that it would be like his enemy bullying him, filming it, then putting it on YouTube for everyone to see, and reminded him of how humilated he would feel.
His reply was, "That will never happen." And he kept watching these kids tormenting a homeless woman and other awful clips in that same seciton. I finally took the mouse from his hand and turned off the internet connection because he refused to stop watching. When his dad came down, I told him what happened. My SS by this point was very angry with me. I felt liek allowing him to continue watching this stuff was really bad.
I think I'm going to have to ask my husband to have SS not be on line any time he's not in the room with him, and to not leave it on if I'm still on the room and he has to leave even for a few minutes. We cannot trust my SS in that way. Oddly enough, my SS tells on himself all the time, but then lies bold-faced about all this other stuff. It's SO confusing. |
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t0
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 482
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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| samssmom wrote: | | My SS has moments of being incredibly likable, funny, sweet, and wonderful; conversely, he can be the most cruel, mean, heartless, oblivious person I've ever known, and he simply doesn't understand how offputting his behavior can be. He can be awful and within minutes, he wants everythign to be okay and doesn't get it when I'm still trying to recover and can't just switch gears. |
This is tough. I've done this to my wife. Usually I switch gears because I've figured out (too late) that I've said something really upsetting to her. I'm very oblivious and usually my wife has to explain to me what I said that was upsetting to her. You're probably in a tougher position - SS may not care that he's upsetting you.
13 is a really tough age. The difference between NT and AS can really grow. I entirely withdrew at age 12 due to communication problems with family, problems with school, not understanding why my friends weren't anymore, etc. But I wouldn't have ever laughed at a video of someone getting harassed or tried to bully someone.
Does he bully other kids at school? Or just you? Participate in any sports or team activities? Maybe his ego level would change if he was put into an organized, safe, physical competition with others his age. |
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samssmom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 14, 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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Indeed, and I think I made the mistake of crossing that line with him. The problem is that I often catch him doing things he's not supposed to do when his dad is not around to catch him. And lately, it seems like he does it on purpose -- waits until his dad is not around, then he looks up stuff on-line that he knows he's not supposed to look up. He frequently asks me to lie to my husband or not tell him what he's doing, and gets very angry when I tell him that I don't lie to his dad.
Alas, my husband and I have agreed that it's best that if he's up to mischief when I'm the only adult there, I'll just let his dad know and he can deal with it. Right now, I think I need to focus on rebuilding trust, and just help with all the other stuff in the background (I help the parents out a lot with all his IEP stuff, attending meetings with the school, etc.) I can still help his parents in that way that I feel is so important, but I need to leave parenting him up to his dad. |
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samssmom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 14, 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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My SS does bully other kids, and he's becoming more and more aggressive, which is what prompted me to post. He's shorter than me right now, but WAY stronger. Once he grows a bit, I am scared that he might hurt me (he has no impulse control in emotionally-charged situaitons, so I no longer trust that he will not lash out at me because he cannot control himself.)
In the last month of school, he was suspended twice for foul language toward staff, and the last time, for fighting. Not only did het get into a fight on the playground, he also punched one of the kids in the principal's office right in front of her, really hard. The kid he punched was his best friend. One of very few frineds.
He is currently fascinated with gore and violence (despite my husband and me being very strict about what he sees in movies, etc., there wasn't agreement on this in both households until recently, so we could only control things in our home, causing yet another problem -- why is it okay to see this stuff at Mom's and not at Dad's?)
He is fixated on the skateboard culture. He refuses to participate in any sport, and will rarely skate anywhere other than our garage. He has extremely low self-esteem, and the more we try to build him up, the more he acuses us of lying to him and the more angry he gets.
It's as though someone has brainwashed him to be the biggest bully he can possibly be, and then still expect everyone to treat him nicely all the time. He is a giant, impossible paradox. If we don't try to help him, het gets angry. When we try to help him he gets angry. It's like dealing with a crying infant and nothing you try helps.
I'm convinced that he's had far too many years of positive reinforcement of negative behavior, and that for a kid who sees the world in black and white, we have an uphill battle trying to fix this. Especially with the lack of consistency of living in two separate households, and with two parents who don't see eye-to-eye on what media exposure is appropriate. It just complicates an already complicated situation.
Sorry to be going on and on, but hearing all this feedback from so many different points of view (especially from adults with Aspger's who have had similar experiences) has been tremendously useful! I know that there's a beautiful person deep inside my SS. We just can't figure out how to help him learn to let that part out more. |
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Jennyfoo
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 06, 2006
Posts: 524
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't read the whole thread, don't have time, but I wanted to say that I noticed he is on medication so you may be open to other options there. The UC Davis MIND Institute is doing clinical trials using Risperdal to treat Autism. I know this because my daughter is in the trial. She is 10 and can be agressive- mostly with her younger brother and sister. Risperdal has been shown to reduce aggression and meltdowns in kids with autism- whether high or low functioning. Ask your Dr. about it. It may be an option.
DD has only been on it for a week, so I can't see a difference yet, but we're crossing our fingers tht it will help her.
| Quote: | Risperdal for Autism
Risperdal, or risperdione, is an anti-psychotic drug used to treat schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders. However, physicians have also had success using the drug to treat the aggressive behavior that often accompanies autism.
Autism is a developmental disorder of brain function that is characterized by three specific types of symptoms: impaired social interaction, problems with verbal and nonverbal communication, and unusual or severely limited activities and interests. It has a number of causes, ranging from genetic to environmental, and affects 10 to 20 out of every 10,000 people. Although males are four times as likely as females to suffer from autism, the disorder affects all races throughout the world. Symptoms of autism are sometimes present at birth; if they develop during childhood, they will always appear by age three. People with autism have a normal life expectancy.
The severity of the autistic symptoms varies greatly from individual to individual. In some cases, the autism is so mild that the child can go on to lead a normal or semi-normal adult life. In other cases, autism is accompanied by mental retardation or other disorders that may make life a bit more difficult. In extreme cases, autism is marked by aggressive behavior that persists over time.
This aggressive behavior is marked by repetitive and self-injurious tendencies, such as biting or head banging. These aggressive symptoms are often the most difficult to treat and may continue and worsen as years go by. People who care for aggressive autistics often have a difficult time managing this challenging problem.
Although Risperdal has not been FDA approved to treat autism, a recent study by the National Institutes of Mental Health found that 69 percent of the 101 children studied saw much or very much improvement in their aggressive behavior while taking the drug.
Risperdal works by reducing dopamine in the brain and enhancing seratonin, which suppresses aggression and enhances social behavior.
The popularity of Risperdal exists partially because the drug has very few side effects. It is commonly used to treat schizophrenia because it has fewer neurological side effects than many other anti-psychotic medications. Classified as an atypical anti-psychotic, Risperdal appears to produce few side effects in autistic patients as well. The most common side effect of the drug is weight gain. In the child study, patients on Risperdal gained an average of six pounds during the eight-week study. A sedative effect, dizziness and muscular symptoms may also be side effects of Risperdal for autism. |
http://www.onlinelawyersource.com/risperdal/autism.html |
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samssmom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 14, 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 10:11 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks so much for your post. I would really like to hear how your child does on this medication once it's reached it's full efficacy in her system. Can you either post back here with an update, or e-mail me? If you'd like to e-mail, let me know -- I'll supply my e-mail address. MY SS's psychiatrist recommended that we try the cognitive approach to correcting the aggression before we resort to one of the atypical antipsychotics, simply for the side effects. My husband and I are cautious about medication, but his mother is from the no medication camp, so we have an uphill battle if we want to try something like this. Have you ever tried Abilify? That was recommended by the school psychologist because of the positive results they had with another child much like my SS. Again, thanks! |
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Tortuga
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 12, 2007
Posts: 519
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 11:33 am Post subject: |
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I don't want to sound negative. I considered Risperdal for my son when he was still attending public school and Risperdal was just approved for Autism - aggression. However, I read that some people who take Risperdal develop permanent ticks (shaking). I read about a woman who used it for her son (with success), but then had to take him off it once he started shaking. In his case, the shaking stopped once they stopped the Risperdal...but the drug warning states that it might not stop for all people once the drug is stopped.
Closer to home, I do know one adult female who takes it for bipolar and her arms shake like she has Parkinson's.
Again, I'm not trying to get into your business, but this is what I found when I researched it for my own son. If you do decide to try it, I would discontinue ASAP if he develops any twitches.
In the above post, "muscular symptoms" means twitching. |
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samssmom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 14, 2008
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 11:54 am Post subject: |
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| My SS's psychiatrist read some of the black box warnings for Risperidol, and though we are keeping an open mind to the atypical antipsychotics, that one seems to be a big gun. Thanks for the feedback! |
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