Jaxtapose
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 18, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:07 am Post subject: Just found out my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. |
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Hello,
I'm new to this and I am confused. I just found out yesterday that my husband might have Asperger's Syndrome. That would explain ALOT! We have been married for 3 years and we have a young daughter together. He has always seemed like a jerk who doesn't care. He has been verbally abusive at times and me too.
When I was in the hospital giving birth to our daughter he seemed annoyed and he kept saying that he was tired and wanted to sleep! I had no help from him and I felt so alone. This was just the start. He seems only interested in his computer and programming.
After a few years of his seeming neglect I started an online relationship with another man. My husband didn't like this but didn't really seem too upset. My Father said that maybe he doesn't love me. I felt so bad. We tried marriage counseling a few times but as soon as we left he would yell at me for some problems "I had".
Then last night he dropped a bomb, "I think I have Asperger's." Wow, what a relief in a way to know that he doesn't necessarily hate me but maybe it is just stemming from his condition??? I cannot do enough research on this topic as I want to know more so that I can understand him and help him in any way possible.
I told him that I was so happy that he shared this with me. I also told him that I support him 210%. I just want to start again with him so that maybe we can grow old together.  |
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penny07960
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 10, 2008
Age: 49
Posts: 154
Location: US - right coast
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:29 am Post subject: I feel for you! |
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Good luck, Jaxtapose. There are some good books on relationships with AS people, i'll try to find them and drop you a list.
I am surprised that his behavior did not turn you off prior to marriage. In my LIMITED experince, most aspies have more trouble at that phase than later. Once a potential spouse accepts the AS behavior during the dating phase and proceeds with relationship, usually they know what they are getting.
Frankly, he seems so totally lacking in empathy that I wonder if he isn't further into that "spectrum" and possibly autistic. Others with more expereince in this matter might chime it to provide you with some guidance. Most of my aspie friends would not be that cold. I have attended to friends in the hospital with a lot more sensitivity than he seemed to have for you.
Aspies are not particularly empathetic, but they are certainly capable of logic. You should communicate unambiguously that you have emotional needs that he needs to meet. Don't "imply" or assume it is "obvious". Even non-subtle implication is lost on many aspies; direct declarative statements work best.
Penny |
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Liopleurodon
Sea Gull
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Age: 32
Posts: 214
Location: The Tethys Sea
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:31 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to WP. I hope you two manage to work it out. You'll have your work cut out figuring out differences in the ways that your brains work if your husband does have AS. However, it is the case that those with AS may come across as unloving not because we don't feel love, but just because we don't express it in the same way as NTs. I wish you the best with your relationship.
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Do I look like a freaking people person? |
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 62
Posts: 15238
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:13 pm Post subject: |
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hello and welcome to WP!
The first thing to remember is he is still the same person he was before you found out about the Asperger's Syndrome, nothing has changed but (hopefully) his understanding of why he has always thought his needs come before others. (the part about how he was so stressed by the birth of your child really resonated with me! Having reactions counter to the obvious ones necessary to facilitate the change in schedule the birth of a baby is a real AS marker. We tend to stress when our routines get challenged without our minds getting around what that all means in reality.
What I am rambling on to say is, if he is your man, hang on. I know others here. . (oh, Smelena! how I miss you, girl!) that are not AS that have AS spouses they found out later in the marriage of the issue.
I sincerely hope WP can be the safety valve you need as you progress in this enlightening time in your marriage. Come and vent, learn, and get to know what you are working with.
Welcome
Merle
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Jaxtapose
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 18, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:44 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you SO much for caring. I have been losing my mind and my self esteem over this for far too long. I just really feel like crying now. You rock!  |
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 62
Posts: 15238
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Jaxtapose wrote: | | Thank you SO much for caring. I have been losing my mind and my self esteem over this for far too long. I just really feel like crying now. You rock! |
actually, hunny bunny, YOU rock! Have a good cry and meet us back here for answers and companionship, (Gawd knows we can all use a good cry now and then.) See? things are looking up already!
Merle |
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Deus_ex_machina
Mudliquor
Joined: May 20, 2006
Age: 24
Posts: 1413
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:48 pm Post subject: |
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Perhaps he thinks that getting married to you implies that he empathizes and that he shouldn't need to show it. There's probably a lot of reasons why but it certainly doesn't end with "I'm autistic" or "I'm an Aspie" 'cause lack of empathy is not a symptom. Lack of expressing it is though, as far as I'm aware.
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"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." - Terry Bisson |
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Nan
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 4358
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:27 pm Post subject: Re: Just found out my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. |
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| Jaxtapose wrote: | Hello,
I'm new to this and I am confused. I just found out yesterday that my husband might have Asperger's Syndrome. That would explain ALOT! We have been married for 3 years and we have a young daughter together. He has always seemed like a jerk who doesn't care. He has been verbally abusive at times and me too.
When I was in the hospital giving birth to our daughter he seemed annoyed and he kept saying that he was tired and wanted to sleep! I had no help from him and I felt so alone. This was just the start. He seems only interested in his computer and programming.
After a few years of his seeming neglect I started an online relationship with another man. My husband didn't like this but didn't really seem too upset. My Father said that maybe he doesn't love me. I felt so bad. We tried marriage counseling a few times but as soon as we left he would yell at me for some problems "I had".
Then last night he dropped a bomb, "I think I have Asperger's." Wow, what a relief in a way to know that he doesn't necessarily hate me but maybe it is just stemming from his condition??? I cannot do enough research on this topic as I want to know more so that I can understand him and help him in any way possible.
I told him that I was so happy that he shared this with me. I also told him that I support him 210%. I just want to start again with him so that maybe we can grow old together. |
Honey, him being an Aspie is no excuse for him being a jerk. Manners are learned, and he hasn't learned to treat you decently. Do not excuse bad behavior for neurological wiring issues.
On the "tired and wanted to sleep" during your labor - if it is any comfort, my father dropped my mother off (in labor) at the hospital steps and went home because he had a headache and wanted to lay down. He was definitely an Aspie. |
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krex
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Age: 49
Posts: 5106
Location: Village of the Damned
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome. I hope you can find some useful information and support here. We aren't all "jerks", so he can learn to be more supportive to you as long as you are willing to meet hiim half way and allow for some of the behavior(obsessions) and needing to directly ask for what you need from him. I had to totally retrain my "aspish" bf, to help out around the house because he just never seemed to notice that I was doing everything. Now he is one of the most thoughful and helpful BF ever. Honestly, it has been awesome and worth my patience. I'm aspie too, so that may help because we each have our specicial interests and have little need to socialize but we have both needed to make comprimises in other areas.
Wishing you both luck. Information is a good thing.
Just a friendly reminder...we are mostly aspies here so please be "gentle" when describing his deficits, or assuming they are all due to AS. Some of us have been called/thought to be jerks because of our lack of understanding that we were hurting someone, (or sensory issues causing melt-downs), even when we loved someone and meant them no harm.
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penny07960
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 10, 2008
Age: 49
Posts: 154
Location: US - right coast
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:47 pm Post subject: one book... |
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jaxtapose,
One book that I found helpful was The Other Half Of Asperger Syndrome by Maxine Aston.
see www.asperger.net
Although written for the NT-half of an AS-NT couple, I found it helpful to understand some of my own weaknesses and to partly compensate for them.
I hope you can make your marriage work, but IMO your sanity and quality-of-life are most important. You can't help a drowning man if he is pulling you under too. You might want to see a therapist to help your deal with your hurt feelings and the burden of dealing with a spouse who is so damned insensitive.
Best of luck!
Penny |
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Jaxtapose
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 18, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks everyone for your input and great advice! This is a great step for me in helping my hubby and myself.  |
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tearose
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 05, 2008
Posts: 50
Location: Tokyo
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 8:18 pm Post subject: |
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Thinking of you.......it must be an emotional time for you both. Especially having a child together and feeling very alone. I wish you all the best.  |
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ASWife
Emu Egg
Joined: Jul 24, 2008
Age: 51
Posts: 3
Location: Wichita, KS
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: My husband has Asperger Syndrome |
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Hi there! I'm totally new to this but am glad to have finally found a place to talk about the situation with my AS husband. Sometimes I feel like I'm totally going crazy! We found out after we were married that he has AS. He's a very good mimic but I always knew there was something different about him. He just kept coming around and I became very dependent on him... He's a wonderful man and would do anything for me. Well, I say anything, but, he is very limited in his ability to understand how I'm "feeling"... I think my biggest thing is loneliness - not having that emotional connection that I so long for. But who's to blame? Certainly not him. He can't help that he has AS. So, I deal with the loneliness, AND the guilt of feeling selfish... My husband is quite the talker and very intelligent, but when it comes to talking about personal issues, he'd rather do just about anything else. He will listen to me if I say okay, I need you to listen to me. Other than that, I can make a comment about something and he just goes off on a long, drawn-out explanation or opinion about it. I have found myself keeping quiet unless necessary. I could go on and on but just wanted to get a little bit off my chest. Thanks for listening... Jaxtapose, I am sorry for you but I hope that since you found out about the AS that he is trying to work on the way he treats you... My husband can be very touchy too so I really have to watch how I approach/answer him. It's like being on constant alert  |
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Yupa
Avatar of Evil
Joined: May 15, 2005
Age: 23
Posts: 1567
Location: Florida
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:11 pm Post subject: |
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I kind of agree that his having Asperger's syndrome isn't really an excuse for him being angry and neglectful, although it might be that he has stressful issues he's facing at work that he doesn't have anywhere to take out and is thus redirecting those issues to you.
What bothered me most was the bit where you said he didn't really seem to care when you pursued a relationship with someone else. Any man who truly cared about maintaining a stable relationship would go into a long phase of panic at that point and would probably ask what he could do to fix the relationship.
But you really need to talk with him about his faults, and please, whatever you do, don't let Asperger's Syndrome become an excuse for his bullying behaviours and apparent lack of devotion. That's not what Asperger's Syndrome is. |
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1Oryx2
Deinonychus
Joined: May 11, 2006
Posts: 352
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
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| Please do your best and welcome to the world of Autism. |
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