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Zeno
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Posts: 350
Location: Singapore
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 Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:05 am Post subject: Should we ever get married? |
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I bumped into an old classmate the other day while buying some groceries. We had gone to high school together and were in the same medical school class. He went on to become a Mayo trained cardiologist whereas I dropped out. He had come back to Singapore because of some visa issues but was heading back to Rochester soon to join his wife and 20 month old daughter. I was happy to hear that he had settled in the United States but was prompted to think for myself, why is it that I have never wanted to get married and raise a family?
Even before I knew of Asperger’s Syndrome, I had always kept relationships at arms length. The most intense relationships I had had were usually long distance ones where it was possible to relate with words but not have to bother with a physical presence. I have always felt that love of the sort which others seem to believe as their highest purpose in life would never be meaningful to me. I just did not swing that way, I was simply not interested.
When I learned about Asperger’s and understood that I had this condition, it became even clearer to me why I should not look to start a family. I believe autism to be hereditary and passing on my genes to someone else would just ensure that more human beings end up living miserably in this world. I would never want to subject another soul to what I live through, much less put my own children through that kind of agony.
I am also convinced that because of my meltdown episodes, during which my emotions become very volatile, I am simply not suited for parenting. What would I do if my child melts down and I melt down too? Would I yell and hit the child? Would my rage become so uncontrollable that I end up hurting the child?
Some women would be willing to accept a childless marriage, but even that arrangement does not appeal to me. Autism makes it hard for me to even abide by myself such that I cannot imagine enduring the presence of another or that other to find any comfort in my existence. What would this marriage be about? |
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n4mwd
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 08, 2008
Posts: 667
Location: Palm Beach, FL
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:33 am Post subject: |
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We aspie guys tend to be quite illogical when it comes to love and marriage.
1. We are only attracted to the hot girls and usually can't get them because we aren't that hot ourselves.
2. We blow off the advances from average looking girls and then complain that we can't find a gf.
3. We want to be married, but don't want anyone living with us.
4. Those aspie guys that do get married end up having kids even though they know its wrong to propagate a defective gene.
5. Sex in aspie marriages is few and far between causing NT wives to pack up and leave thinking that he doesn't love them any more.
6. Because sex is so infrequent in a aspie marriage, nobody thinks to use birth control and they end up getting pregnant all the time and make a large family of little aspies.
7. Aspie to Aspie relationships seem to have an odd pattern of success - until one of them starts to snore. |
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t0
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 514
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:58 am Post subject: Re: Should we ever get married? |
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| n4mwd wrote: | | 4. Those aspie guys that do get married end up having kids even though they know its wrong to propagate a defective gene. |
So now we're all defective? And we're wrong if we have kids? I think not.
I'm married (to a hot girl) with no kids. My wife was accepting of either situation - kids or no kids. But she really wanted me to make the decision for myself (without any input from her) before we discussed it. In the end I decided that I shouldn't have children because being a father wasn't at the top of my "todo list." It wasn't even in the top 10. My feeling is that if you have kids, they should be your #1 priority, and I just don't want to give up other aspects of my life to make that happen.
| Zeno wrote: | Some women would be willing to accept a childless marriage, but even that arrangement does not appeal to me.
...
What would this marriage be about? |
It would be about two people finding more in a relationship together than in existing apart. |
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Ana54
International Incident Initiator
Joined: Dec 27, 2005
Age: 20
Posts: 6503
Location: Channelview, Texas, USA
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:09 am Post subject: |
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I'm proud that me and Jack, both PDD-NOS or AS, are probably going to have a kid with PDD-NOS or AS. 
_________________
God protects fools. Be a fool.
http://www.lifeatauschwitz.info |
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penny07960
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 10, 2008
Age: 44
Posts: 154
Location: US - right coast
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:32 am Post subject: defective genes? we all have them - NTs too |
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zeno,
While I share many of your feelings, and understand the difficult trades that are made to share your life with another person, I too disagree with the general “defective gene” view, if you (and n4...) meant to apply it to all aspies.
If you have great difficulty getting by and are an unhappy guy, then your AS is severe enough to constitute a disability. It is a responsible choice to not bring children into the world if you (1) may not be able to care for them, (2) don’t want them – kids deserve loving parents, not merely providers – and (3) will pass this sad condition to them genetically.
However, there are aspies who are happy, productive people. While they are certainly ‘different’ than NTs, and typically have a hard time with relationships (from what I have seen, many have no interest in relationships), having AS is not necessarily reason to not marry or have kids.
In a sense all people are “genetically defective”. Think of the mass of poor folks who struggle with an IQ of 100 or less. They [said with tongue in cheek] are less likely to earn good salaries; they may never learn to enjoy the wonderful things in life (music, dance, paintings, sculpture…). They exist primarily on a material plane, worship a silly concept of God, vote for the candidate who best panders to their insecurities, etc. Think of the poor folks who struggle with a partly-genetically determined tendency to put on weight. Or who are short. Or homely. Or have poor vision.
My point being, except for Brad Pitt  and one or two others, we are all ‘defective’. We all make due with what we have, and try to make a life for ourselves despite our limitations.
Penny |
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 58
Posts: 8238
Location: Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:58 am Post subject: Re: Should we ever get married? |
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| Zeno wrote: |
Some women would be willing to accept a childless marriage, but even that arrangement does not appeal to me. Autism makes it hard for me to even abide by myself such that I cannot imagine enduring the presence of another or that other to find any comfort in my existence. What would this marriage be about? |
loving companionship, Zeno. Learning to have someone else be more important than ourselves.
Merle |
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4969
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:27 pm Post subject: |
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All I can say is that it's worth the struggle, mate. Yes it's difficult to raise a child when you have meltdowns, but ask any NT parent and they'll say it's difficult to raise a child. Same for marriage, TM and I are coming up on our 18th anniversary. We've definitely had our rough times, but she loves me, and has stuck with our commitment to make things work.
By the way, I think ASpie guys are mostly handicapped by our face-blindness which causes us to miss out on girls flirting with us.
_________________
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go. ~Theodore Roethke |
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shadowboxer
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 03, 2008
Age: 46
Posts: 82
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:35 pm Post subject: |
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| n4mwd wrote: |
1. We are only attracted to the hot girls and usually can't get them because we aren't that hot ourselves.
2. We blow off the advances from average looking girls and then complain that we can't find a gf.
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I don't agree with this, as I hate to think of being shallow & superficial by other aspies.
I prefer the company of a fresh faced girl next door type. Someone who is smart, funny, sensitive, spontaneous, and a little mysterious over one who looks like a supermodel, but is really a petty, shallow, high maintenance bitch with no personality.
I find that people gravitate toward similar people i.e. The guy next door hooks up with the girl next door. Unless it is a case on money or power, in which case even a frog can end up with a princess,.
_________________
"...A genious with access to unstable chemicals.
..."
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Willard
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 617
Location: Confederate States of America
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:58 pm Post subject: |
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| n4mwd wrote: |
4. Those aspie guys that do get married end up having kids even though they know its wrong to propagate a defective gene.
6. Because sex is so infrequent in a aspie marriage, nobody thinks to use birth control and they end up getting pregnant all the time and make a large family of little aspies.
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Wow. This is a hate site after all. I never noticed before.
The only one of those statements that rings true to me at all, is #3.
FYI: there are plenty of hot girls who like smart guys that don't drive expensive cars. And you're doing yourself a disservice if you ever forget that many times the HOT is just beneath the surface.
BTW, my child is 100% NT, and I'd be equally proud of her if she wasn't.
_________________
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel - but I am, so that's how it comes out."
- Bill Hicks |
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DevonB
Toucan
Joined: Mar 14, 2008
Age: 40
Posts: 265
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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I'm married. I have one NT child, one AS. My partner is NT. We are a happy mix, and the NT's have lots of patience for our vagaries. AND, when the NT's have a fit for one reason or other, or have difficulties, it's usually the two Aspie's that help them sort it out. Why? Because we've been there. They marvel at our patience and understanding.
I teach my children based on what they need. My partner and I co-parent as necessary. She catches things I miss, and I help with other issues. It works.
Relationships are complex. They are also rewarding. It takes you out of yourself and makes you more aware. You tend to be less selfish if in a healthy relationship.
Whatever works for you. However, don't classify all of us, we may not agree. |
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makuranososhi
Purple Monkey Dishwasher
Joined: May 13, 2008
Posts: 2342
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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| n4mwd wrote: | We aspie guys tend to be quite illogical when it comes to love and marriage.
1. We are only attracted to the hot girls and usually can't get them because we aren't that hot ourselves.
2. We blow off the advances from average looking girls and then complain that we can't find a gf.
3. We want to be married, but don't want anyone living with us.
4. Those aspie guys that do get married end up having kids even though they know its wrong to propagate a defective gene.
5. Sex in aspie marriages is few and far between causing NT wives to pack up and leave thinking that he doesn't love them any more.
6. Because sex is so infrequent in a aspie marriage, nobody thinks to use birth control and they end up getting pregnant all the time and make a large family of little aspies.
7. Aspie to Aspie relationships seem to have an odd pattern of success - until one of them starts to snore. |
1) Presumptive and baseless.
2) See 1.
3) A generalization; there is a need for space in relationships. That is difficult to recognize or communicate the need for, especially for those on the spectrum.
4) Because I don't want to inflame things further, let me just say that I find your viewpoint here warped and not one I share as a mild rebuke, as what was said I find to be rather distasteful. If you wish to discuss it further, please do so privately.
5) See 1, and way, way off base; my experience has been much the opposite end of that spectrum. Intimacy matters greatly.
6) See 1.
7) I'm left guessing that this is meant as humor.
Your post is rife with personal assumptions and gross generalizations. As a general rule, one will not seem foolish to present their opinions; it is when they are presented as fact that the mantle is passed along. Please, consider what you say before you say it.
M.
_________________
He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions...?
Why choose a lesser evil? Vote Cthulhu 2008! |
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webwalker
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Feb 29, 2008
Age: 39
Posts: 33
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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Is this what they mean when they say 'Difficulty with Theory of Mind"? It seems like a lot of folks here think their opinion is universal. How odd that a site for those who 'think different' (SIC) are so uniform in their inability to give others slack.
Comments? I'm ready to dodge rotten tomatoes if necessary, but the question really begs to be answered based on reactions to this thread.
M |
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Oggleleus
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jun 03, 2008
Posts: 178
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:16 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! Good question. Yes.
I am not a doctor and I did not stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. Why limit your possibilities. Now, that does not mean it will always work out. Nts get divorced all of the time why let them have all of the fun.
I have always kept relationships somewhat distant in my mind and I think that is the Aspie in me. Thinking, not sure if the relationship will end up good but certain that it will end up bad. Not wanting to commit to a relationship has been one of my downfalls when looking back at the opportuniteis I have missed.
I am a HOT guy and had fatherhood and marriage thrust on me and I would have loved to be in your position where you have an opportunity to figure these questions out beforehand. Marriages are tough and throwing kids into the mix makes it even harder. My marriage lasted 10 years and even though it did not last, I still learned a bunch about myself and relationships in general.
If you are concerned about transferring Aspie genes or genetics then I would have to say there is always gene therapy to check that stuff out. And, our species has been reproducing for quite some time now that I think we all have some sort of defect, NTs included. Meaning, genetics change over time and what was a baseline 100,000 years ago is not the same as for today, but I have met some Neanderthals in my time.
Best I can say is that is good that you are thinking seriously about these questions before your first positive preg. test or wedding rehearsal. |
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Fnord
Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 4152
Location: Pantopia
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:38 pm Post subject: |
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Just remember these simple facts:
1. Marriage is the leading cause of all divorce.
2. Marriage is an institution run by its inmates, and those who get married deserve to be locked up in one.
3. The person you marry will expect you to always be the way you are now, only better.
4. Men and women are both from Earth; so learn to deal with it.
5. Marriage is not a partnership with a fractional split. Instead, it is a duet; with both partners taking turns weaving melody, harmony, and rhythm. So try to stay on the same page.
6. If there are two ways to interpret an innocent statement, be assured that the other person will assume you meant the one that hurts the most.
7. Kinky sex is only kinky the first time. After that, it is merely fun. Inevitably, sex declines into a duty or dull routine; so have as much kinky, fun sex with each other as you can before the boredom set in.
8. Men play with affection to have sex; women play with sexuality to acquire affection.
9. One morning, you will wake up and realize that the wonderful person you married is really a hairy, smelly, drooling, insecure child, who has manipulated you into surrenduring your money, your privacy, your sanity, and your dignity solely for their benefit - and that only the legality of your marriage is what keeps the two of you together. This is your opportunity to fall in love with your partner all over again, so don't blow it!
_________________
You could be emo if it's impossible for you to be happy in a world where other people know how to have a good time, especially if it's without you. |
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catspurr
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 16, 2008
Posts: 781
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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| You should get married if you want to. If you are ready. |
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