New to forum.. my long winded intro

BallisticMystic · Raven Joined: Jul 01, 2008 Age: 47 Posts: 106

Hello;

My name is John and I’m a 47yo male who is just figuring out the reason I am the way I am is because I’m autistic. I don’t know the clinical terms as well as I know myself so I’ll just do the best I can. I took the Aspie test and scored 166/56 but after studying ASDs for months I’m still not sure how I’d classify myself. To be honest it looks more like varying degrees of autism, not different types of maladies. I might be classified as AS because although I’m severely affected with autism, I have pretty decent language skills but there is much more going on here. I spend the bulk of my time, effort, and resources in a hidden world which makes my life in the one we can all see, a monumental struggle.

As I understand it autism is a processing problem and this would explain a lot. In my hidden world I’m working incessantly on something that is vitally and urgently important. It must be done right, there is zero room for error, no time to lose, even if done correctly and in the proper order there is not one moment to spare and you’re not supposed to let any of this affect your work. This doesn’t leave a lot of processing power for me to cope with the external world.

To make things worse, everything goes perfectly and gracefully my way in that world, in the external world it’s like getting up every day to drag my way thru the same mire I pushed myself thru yesterday, I absolutely hate it. It is pure work and the only reward I get is the hope of my hidden world. Essentially, I have dedicated everything I can muster toward something nobody can see, is of absolutely no help to me in a material sense, and is always in danger of ending unfinished.

It is not against my will but not a matter of choice either, I have tried to live a “normal” life only to be forced or drawn back to my esoteric work. Of course, nobody else understands any of it because it’s in my head and not theirs. My life has been one of bad acting reruns as I try to fumble and fake my way thru the external world long enough to finish whatever it is that’s so important in my hidden world.

So anyway… up until a few months ago I never even knew what autism was. All the signs were there, especially when I was young. Everyone knew I was different, just nobody did the math all the way thru to come up with the right answer. I don’t know how to explain this, but a few months ago the idea came into my head that I was autistic. I mean out of the blue and very matter of fact, I hadn’t consciously thought about it, didn’t even know what autism was, and it wasn’t like a voice in my head told me. It just kind of popped into my head and stayed there.

I didn’t do much but casually notice it at first but then I got to thinking the whole thing was kind of odd so I decided to google up autism. I was surfing thru various “what is autism” pages and I can’t even describe the feeling that came over me. I was suddenly overwhelmed with relief as I was reading and looking back on my life and realizing that it all fit me to a “T”, that I wasn’t just randomly f’d up beyond repair. More than that, I’d finally found my lost tribe, or at least a possible way to them, I wasn’t wandering alone anymore.

The original notion of having autism has progressed to a strong impression of a mutual seeking. Someone out there wants my help and I need theirs, we just don’t know who the other is in the physical world yet. Autism is apparently the common link that is supposed to draw us together. I just kind of let it be there without believing or disbelieving, but what is in my head about it is this:

I’m an autistic savant and the reason I or any other autistic savant can perform such unusual mental feats is because it’s never just one of us doing it, it is all of us. Apparently when we get into that hidden world, we are all of one purpose and like mind so it seems like our own thoughts because we are able to use each others individual minds thru the synaptic centers of our own brains linking them together like a giant human supercomputer.

I always knew it wasn’t just me but I never put that particular 2 and 2 together. When in that hidden world I more often than not refer to myself as “we” even though physically it’s just me sitting there alone in solitary contemplation. You can feel the others but they have no physical attributes. It is a world of impressions where we think in patterns so even if you got an impression of another individual it would be impossible to locate them in the external world by looking for them. The only way it could be done is thru a mutual attractor they are both drawn to.

The impression I get is that someone is wanting and more importantly capable of helping not just through direct aid, but also giving me a useful outlet for what I’m good at. The thought that there is even the possibility that I could finally do what I do best and not have to grind out my survival doing things I both hate and suck at nearly overwhelms me. It’s not something I automatically believe because the savant in me has always been the cause of pain and suffering in my life. Of course it could be all one seriously overactive imagination. I really have no way of proving any of it either way, but therein lies the adventure.

So that’s why I’m here, to explore and try to figure it all out.

Knowing me I probably got bleeped a couple of times and it’s more than anyone wanted to know… sorry. I have a bad habit of saying what’s on my mind but I’m never out to offend anyone.
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Circumstance Rules!