egghead
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 27, 2005
Posts: 54
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 Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 5:53 pm Post subject: |
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Parents and kids cannot divorce. I like that.
Most kids have some kind of magical thinking, that they feel they caused the divorce, and therefore they can do things to bring it back together. My stepdaughter is 10 and has recently taken to acting out when I am gone on business, in an apparent attempt to get me back.
I think that our divorce was particularly hard because I was the main caretaker- I took the kids to school, met with the parents, went to plays. The vagaries of this country assigned the custody to the mother, and so all of those things were lost to both of us.
How often does your AS son seem to need to talk to you, that is, does your ex seem to note that 3x/wk calls makes him more reassured than once a week?
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Murphy was an optimist. |
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Dmans-mom
Emu Egg
Joined: Dec 19, 2005
Posts: 7
Location: Maryland
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| Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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since posting my question I have been trying to read everything on can on AS. I got 4 books from the library yesterday.. the one that I like the most so far is "Parenting Your Asperger Child" by Alan Sohn, Ed.D and Cathy Grayson, M.A.
I still haven't talked with my son yet about AS. I tried a couple of times on the way back from the doctors office but I felt like he was ignoring me.. not unusual I guess... I have a meeting with his teachers on the 4th to try and get him some help in school or whatever they do.. I don't go to see the Psych dr until Feb.. ugh... But reading these books are like they were written about him. I read some of the newer replies and I have to say my sons 'anxiety' came out more as newer things happened.. His father and I split. I met someone new. His father met someone new. I re-married, His father moved to Puerto Rico with his new girlfriend and her kids.. and this kills me because he rarely calls! Of course I won't go into that but I bring him up because about 2 years ago he was having major problems with my son on his visits and one day told me "you need to get him some help!" I knew this and have been doing so with different doctors and affiliations and such and do you think he's asked ONCE? DId you ever get D some help??? Nope, he has NO clue what is going on with his son.. I think after I get an official dx I'll send him some info in the mail 
anyways... Thanks for all the replies
Terrie |
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Court
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Dec 23, 2005
Posts: 42
Location: Texas
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| Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 10:18 am Post subject: |
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Hi Egghead - I agree with the previous poster - my 10yo son has AS and was 7 when his father and I divorced. Because he was such a loner and unemotional most of the time, he didn't show that it affected him and I just assumed he either didn't really understand or took it really well. It hasn't been until this past year that he's actually made comments like "you just don't understand mom - it's really hard, you and dad not living together". That was a major eyeopener for me.
Thankfully your ex has consented to getting your son help/evaulation. Especially at the age he's at, he needs to know that he's not alone - whether it be dealing with the divorce or AS symptoms.
Good luck with you and your son, and welcome to the site. This site has helped me in so many ways! |
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JsMom
Sea Gull
Joined: Nov 16, 2005
Posts: 228
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| Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I think that our divorce was particularly hard because I was the main caretaker- I took the kids to school, met with the parents, went to plays. The vagaries of this country assigned the custody to the mother, and so all of those things were lost to both of us. |
If you still live close to your children, you can still attend the plays, sports, school, etc., even if it isn't during your visitation time. You're their father and deserve to be there. When I lived close to my ex, I encouraged him to attend these activities, even though I personally did not want him to come. But, then again, it wasn't about me, it was about my son's needs. Now that we live several states apart, my ex communicates with J's school and teachers and is involved with his IEP.
| Quote: | | How often does your AS son seem to need to talk to you, that is, does your ex seem to note that 3x/wk calls makes him more reassured than once a week? |
My son and his father talk on the phone approximately 2x per week. Sometimes more if something really neat has happened. They talk for about 30 minutes to an hour each time. I personally have no idea how they talk that long because I'm not much of a phone talker, but each to their own.
| Quote: | | The vagaries of this country assigned the custody to the mother, and so all of those things were lost to both of us. |
Actually, I have many male friends who have full custody of their children. Also, when a child comes of age (12 or 13 in some states), I have heard that they can testify to the court their feelings on where they would like to live and the court would take it into consideration. Of course, I believe the best interest of the child MUST be the first consideration.
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A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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egghead
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 27, 2005
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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Vagaries means vagaries. The midwest is still viciously anti male unless mom is truly out on drugs. I wanted joint custody, my wife wanted sole custody. No discussion, she gets the kids. The house was then given to her since she had the kids. Michigan just enforced an 1836 law banning visitation to a divorced man living with his girlfriend.
Divorced people in other areas, particularly the southwest seem to have a more equitable approach, but I know of a women in the opposite situation; she has to give unsupervised visits to her ex now that he is out of jail from his last attempt to kidnap the kids.
In my state the children have no choice where they live, for better or worse.
I asked the question regarding calls because our calls last little more that a minute, and are very narrow in focus. I am not sure if this is due to his narrow interests or his indifference to phone calls. Calling more often (4-5/wk) seems to have the same response, or lack thereof, as less (2/wk).
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JsMom
Sea Gull
Joined: Nov 16, 2005
Posts: 228
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| Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 6:31 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! That's a horrible situation. I have experience with California, New Mexico and Texas law...the laws favor the mother the more east you go. The whole no visitation because you live with your girlfriend seems very unconstitutional to me. I'm sure you would fight it if you could.
I feel for your situation and wish you the best of luck for future changes in the law.
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A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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redvelvet
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 02, 2005
Posts: 356
Location: England
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 2:55 pm Post subject: |
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I think maybe your son already knows his different from other people, that might be why his become aggressive, because he doesn't understand why you haven't noticed it. The best thing I can say is be honest with him, point out certain behaviour he shows, and explain that all these together have a special name called aspergers, thats why he does the things he does that are different then other people.
Get in touch with other Aspergic people that live near you, then you can say and so and so has the same, and there are hundreds of people who are the same, show him this site, or you could show him this site let him read the kids section and he may see some Fimiliarities, then talk about it. But be honest, don't treat it as an illness because it isn't, people with Aspergic have a wonderful outlook on life, they don't feel they have to conform to societys silly ways. And have a unique outlook on life. |
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