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TrojanPower83
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 30, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 56
Location: Del Mar, CA
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 Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: When ideal to tell lover your an aspie? |
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I was just wondering what everyone's opinion was on telling a girl or a guy you've been seeing that you have Asperger's disorder? When is too soon? When is too late?
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Gamester
THE NINJA
Joined: Nov 23, 2006
Age: 22
Posts: 2932
Location: Newberg, OR
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 12:57 am Post subject: Re: When ideal to tell lover your an aspie? |
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| TrojanPower83 wrote: | | I was just wondering what everyone's opinion was on telling a girl or a guy you've been seeing that you have Asperger's disorder? When is too soon? When is too late? |
uhm........not right away, at least not until you are comfortable around each other and dating.
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release_the_bats
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 14, 2008
Posts: 804
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 1:15 am Post subject: |
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After being with my boyfriend for a couple of months, I just decided that I am going to tell him that I have AS. I have decided that instead of planning a specific time to tell him, I am going to wait for the right moment - when we're both relaxed, not dealing with sources of stress, when there's time to talk about it, etc.
Early on, when we were just starting to get to know each other, I explained my main AS quirks to him, one at a time. I explained that:
"My non-verbal communication is off and essentially meaningless most of the time."
"I have spent most of my life in my own world and only learned to socialize recently."
"I'm kind of a loner."
"I feel detached from society and much of the world outside my head."
"I tend to have intense obsessions and I'd rather read about these things than watch TV, for example, like most people."
"I need a foundation of routine and stability in my life - I'm more sensitive to change than most people."
"I hardly ever experience strong emotions. I'm very unemotional."
"I rarely bond like most close friends do - almost all of my relationships revolve around common interests, and there is a
sense of distance."
"I'm too clumsy to ride a bike."
We talked about these things as specific traits of mine. So it will basically be a matter of telling him that there is a label and diagnosis associated with it.
I wanted him to get to know me as an individual and what my specific quirks are before adding a label that's full of connotations that could be misleading.
However, I think that I should tell him it's AS soon because it will help him to understand me better, and he'll know that I'm being honest about all of the above and that it's something that can improve over one's lifetime. It will save him from speculating about what it could be and perhaps guessing incorrectly.
I also think that at this point, we're close enough that there's enough mutual trust and respect, and it's a matter of honesty.
So if I were to generalize, I'd say base the timing on where you are in the relationship (how close you are, how much trust there is, etc.) instead of the length of time you've been together. And do some planning. |
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Beenthere
10 Miles South of Sanity
Joined: Dec 30, 2005
Age: 42
Posts: 2224
Location: Pa.
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 1:40 am Post subject: |
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If I ever decide to date again, I think I'm going to tell them on the second date.
If they break a leg bolting for the door in a fast sprint, I'll torture them with tales of some of my countless hobbies and interests while they're on the floor. If they stick around and don't run, I'll figure they're definately 3rd date material.
I'm tired of wasting time doing the slow dance, and after about 2 days around me they've normally figured out something about me isn't quite "normal" anyways. 
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 59
Posts: 13248
Location: Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:27 am Post subject: Re: When ideal to tell lover your an aspie? |
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| TrojanPower83 wrote: | | I was just wondering what everyone's opinion was on telling a girl or a guy you've been seeing that you have Asperger's disorder? When is too soon? When is too late? |
humm. . I don't think I would be seeing a guy without him knowing . . if I wanted to be with a guy, that I am AS would have to be there from the beginning or I am just fooling myself. If a guy found out later that not only was I stranger than he knew. . I was stranger than he can know, I would have to feel comfortable enough with him that he would be ok with it by the time I got around to letting him know.
Merle
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donkey
we have met the enemy, he is us.
Joined: May 22, 2006
Age: 38
Posts: 1483
Location: ireland
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 5:05 am Post subject: |
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ok first of all, you need to avoid calling it a disorder.
it is a syndrome or an anomaly...sometimes it is an advantage over non-AS but not a disorder, and dont let anyone attempt to tell you that it is.
I told my now fiancee after about a month.
at this stage i decided i liked here and trusted her enough to tell her, and could accept if she wanted to leave ...she didnt we are getting married in 3 weeks...yikes. |
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sort30030
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 14, 2007
Posts: 337
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 3:14 am Post subject: |
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After marriage.
I guess I might be a little pessimistic but experience shows that these things can really affect some people's opinion of you.
If they accept you enough to marry you, then it shouldn't matter if they later realize you are an aspie. |
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donkey
we have met the enemy, he is us.
Joined: May 22, 2006
Age: 38
Posts: 1483
Location: ireland
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 4:28 am Post subject: |
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i see and advise so many couples who are in an AS/NT relationship and the common theme is from the NT woman,
"if i had of known about this i wouldnt have married you"
and a sense of loss for the 10, 20 30, 40 years they have been married they feel cheated, forced to stay for the children and it does get messy.
if they know and then marry you, it is healthier. if you know and dont tell them it is problematic in my experience and knowledge of others. |
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No_YOU_get_over_it
Toucan
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 255
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 12:44 pm Post subject: |
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How 'bout telling them it's all PTSD and playing to their rescue instincts?
(Ducks and runs ... I've toyed w/ the idea but wouldn't stomach a guy who wants a woman who needs rescuing.)
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NB: contents of above post represent my opinion at time of post only. YMMV, NAYY, and most importantly, IALBTC! |
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No_YOU_get_over_it
Toucan
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 255
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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| donkey wrote: | i see and advise so many couples who are in an AS/NT relationship and the common theme is from the NT woman,
"if i had of known about this i wouldnt have married you" |
How much of this is b/c of core AS traits, and how much is bad behavior? I ask b/c I stumbled into a forum for women married to Aspie men, and most of the worst complaints they had sounded like personality disorder issues or covert aggression.
I cringe to see AS itself getting such a bad rap, when often the unpleasant traits are a result of training that didn't know how to respond to it, abuse attempting to control sensory issues etc.
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NB: contents of above post represent my opinion at time of post only. YMMV, NAYY, and most importantly, IALBTC! |
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donkey
we have met the enemy, he is us.
Joined: May 22, 2006
Age: 38
Posts: 1483
Location: ireland
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 1:12 pm Post subject: |
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yes those forums are full of very angry disenchanted reaf frustrated women.
it is hot in these places. |
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Tim_Tex
Bunnies!!!
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 29
Posts: 30850
Location: To Be Determined
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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For me, never. Won't have to. I only date other Aspies.
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KimJ
Legend in my own mind
Joined: Jun 11, 2006
Posts: 2540
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 2:15 pm Post subject: |
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| I introduce myself as someone who is interested in autism and has an autistic son. Eventually I break out the song and dance that I'm Aspie or I refer to my autistic traits. I haven't done this in a dating situation but friends. I will use this same MO with dates. |
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No_YOU_get_over_it
Toucan
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 255
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 2:36 pm Post subject: |
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| donkey wrote: | yes those forums are full of very angry disenchanted reaf frustrated women.
it is hot in these places. |
So how much of what they're blaming on AS is really that?
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NB: contents of above post represent my opinion at time of post only. YMMV, NAYY, and most importantly, IALBTC! |
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donkey
we have met the enemy, he is us.
Joined: May 22, 2006
Age: 38
Posts: 1483
Location: ireland
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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they are cross for a number of reasons........mainly "living a lie"
they feel cheated out of a real meaningfull and connected life.
they also feel annoyed that they have had to modify and change their behaviour so much to accomodate their partners needs.
they seem to feel cheated that when they were courting that they were happy with the level of attention they were receiving but once married they seemed ot feel ignored.
there is a lot of AS behaviour that can be attributed to these feelings. but in all relationships there is always two parties involved and a lot of these women have become so disenfranchised with their environment they are bitterness personified. |
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