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Roseduelist
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jul 09, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 154
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 Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:53 am Post subject: Feeling behind in certain areas... |
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As a female aspie that had just turned twenty, I am at a loss when it comes to sexuality in general. I was constantly alone and socially behind, so I never really got to experiment or date or do any other normal things as a teenager. Not only did my social akwardness make things really difficult to connect in any shape or form to a sexual situation, but the one time that I remotley tried to experiment, I was wrongfully molested by a peer whom I trusted dearly, so had lost faith in people when it came to that area in my life.
All that being said I have several questions:
How can I learn to view sex as a positive thing, and learn to eradicate my irrational fears and boundries?
How can I safelty explore sexuality with other people?
and most importantly
How can I not let emotional baggage interfere with other parts of my life?
I feel that you people here are the only ones who are understanding and compassionate enough to give me an honest answer and not be lecherous or unkind toward my dellema. Please let me not have misplaced my trust in you. |
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kip
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 14, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 778
Location: Las Vegas NV USA
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:25 am Post subject: |
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It takes a lot to get over any kind of molestation. Honestly, I think that's your big one. Inexperience can be learned away...
Your best bet is a kind of home therapy. Obviously, who ever you are 'with' will need to understand your problem. You basically need to re-learn the memories that are holding you back.
An S&M club may be your best bet for that. A shrink caint do anything but talk, but with an actual sexual act being preformed, you can learn that it's not always the way you remember it. S&M clubs have people who will do exactly what you ask, and stop at any time if you need to.
Yea, it's not the answer someone else would give, but for my friend, it turned out to be exactly what she needed.
_________________
You can purchase anything off the Internet except common sense.
…the end of our exploring, will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time. - T.S. Eliot |
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liloleme
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 09, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 415
Location: California
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:23 pm Post subject: |
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Ummm, I dont think someone who has recently been molested/taken advantage of needs to go to an S&M or any other club. I am a sexual submissive and I can tell you that you CAN NOT trust everyone. Besides that I dont think you mentioned even having an intrest in S&M or D/s. IF I were you Id seek some counseling or even talk to your Mom or a trusted friend and take things easy. You are very young and have time to develop your sexual interests.
I can really relate to what you are saying about feeling akward especially with someone you are attracted to. I ended up marrying the first guy that took initiative with me and this was a huge mistake. I took time after my divorce to figure myself out and what I want. I then very carefully and over a long time started looking for someone to date via the internet. I put up a personal add and after weeding though many, many emails and lots of wierdos I found the man who is now my husband. These kinds of things just take time and you have a lot of time  .
------April |
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ThatRedHairedGrrl
Deinonychus
Joined: May 11, 2008
Posts: 334
Location: Totally confusing all the passing piranhas
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:34 pm Post subject: |
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I would recommend counselling; I personally found, when my own first marriage was breaking up, that discussing emotional and sexual issues in a non-judgemental environment (with a female counsellor, in my case, bearing in mind I wasn't feeling terribly trusting towards guys at the time) helped immensely. Friends and relatives are good to discuss things with sometimes, but they can lack the objectivity of an outsider.
But before you explore anything at all sexually with other people, explore your sexuality for you and on your own. (I heartily recommend the books of one Betty Dodson, on this front.)
And if and when you do decide to share such activities, take it very, very slowly and gently, and don't do anything with anyone you don't completely trust, is the answer.
I was past 30 by the time I developed any sense of confidence and understanding in this area, so it's not by any means too late for you. Good luck.
_________________
Birds scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth but sadly we don't speak bird. |
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tweety_fan
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 03, 2007
Posts: 1553
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 7:30 am Post subject: |
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counselling is a good idea,
take it slowly and make sure you don't do anything with anyone you don't trust. |
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BokeKaeru
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 23, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 517
Location: Alternately Los Angeles, CA and Northampton, MA
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:22 am Post subject: |
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| I think it's important to ask yourself first whether you want to change and discover sexuality because you want to and feel attraction to others that you just don't want to act out because of fear or awkwardness, or want to do so because of what people say and how they act about the subject. I couldn't tell from your post, and please feel free to ignore me if this is not the case, but is it at all possible that you just don't have a preference at all? It's not unheard of to be either a late bloomer or asexual, and despite social stigma, it IS okay if this is the case. If you're unsure about what you want and if you want it, it's probably better to wait and not jump right into the fray of things, and figure out what's right for you on your own without someone else involved with their own desires possibly pressuring you into something you're not ready for. It's more fair for you and for anyone who might get involved that way. I would recommend some form of counseling, too, just because it can lead to greater self-awareness and, even if you don't discover what it is you want, it will give you a way at thinking about things that will lead you to that knowledge. Good luck. |
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MissConstrue
~Age of Aquarius~
Joined: Feb 05, 2008
Posts: 12133
Location: Anywhere but HERE!
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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I could be wrong but I think there is a big social stigma attached to having sex espeacially in your teens at least it was in my case. I've heard the same stories over and over again the "I'm suppose to be getting laid" or "Why am I still a virgin?".....this coming from NTs.
I can relate as well but I don't think sex in itself will ever be that fulfilling unless you just want to get ahead in the "game." You need to find your common ground before getting with someone. I agree with the above, you should also consider the damage any molestation can do to someone on a subconscious level.
But realize you're definitely not alone in this scenario.
_________________
Oh you can't help that. We're all mad here.
__Cheshire
6thSin:Envy |
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BlackMetalIstKrieg
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 15, 2007
Posts: 53
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 10:43 am Post subject: |
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I have never, and will probably never have a 'relationship'.
I did not 'date' until I was 21, which is when males started being attracted to me in the slightest.
It's called normal life.
_________________
As scarlet flowers lust for the dew of morning
and infants nurse on the nectar of motherhood
As prophets of ruin wield their swords of wisdom
and battle forth towards a brighter dawn
http://abmkitchen.blogspot.com
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starlighter
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 04, 2007
Posts: 133
Location: Spain
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:19 pm Post subject: |
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I feel behind is soo much areas, not exactly I feel 'left behind'( because in others I feel like in the front) but yes confused if I compare myself with 'normal' people.
I feel bothered by the 'social formalities' around guys-women dating, why if a boy likes you asks you first to go to the cinema? my opinion of him is not gonna change if I look Indiana Jones or another random film first, .. why can't people be more directed and say what they really want? to only 'speak 'with you, to 'sleep on bed' with you, to marry you, ... then it would be easier for most of aspies women, as we don't understand most of social formalities.
As well we may be a little dumb, innocent, childish people, but knowing that( the problem is when you don't know that about yourself and you let yourself be manipulate by other people) we can work on that and try to learn from our experience, .. |
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starlighter
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 04, 2007
Posts: 133
Location: Spain
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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Continuying with the 'feeling behind in certain areas', ..
What means when the boy licks your face like the dog does? ( spontaneously) (your boyfriend or the boy who likes you ..
What means when a close person to you pass his/her hand all over your face, in a caress but with the palm of the hand open and only in a one movement, then turn it back (also this person looks tou you like in a tender expression) in this case was my mum who did it one time, so it is not 'sexual' kind.
thnks for the help  |
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Jainaday
in uncertain taste
Joined: Jul 09, 2007
Age: 24
Posts: 1348
Location: in the They
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 7:55 am Post subject: |
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I'd guess your "irrational fear" and boundary issues aren't really that irrational.
People SUCK, and people who are kind, loving and reliable can show their worst in sexual relationships. It's a high risk endevour.
I spent years having sex with people, trying to get rid of those "irrational negative responses" and to "think of sex as a good thing."
I have never been saner or happier than after I started to respect my "irrational" "problems"--started to respect what I really wanted, to have the boundaries I really wanted, and started learning how to say no. Not wanting to is a GREAT reason not to have sex. No one else has a right to your body. No one. Ever.
If someone wants you to just "get over your baggage" so that you can comfortably have sex with them, they are not respecting that You are the person who has the right to make All the decisions about your body. They can be great in other respects, but they almost certainly suck as a romantic partner. That respect is tremendously important, and it's a big part of whether it's a good idea to feel safe expressing your sexuality with someone. It's possible to be physically turned on by something that's a terrible idea or that you don't want to do; don't let yourself be pressured into it on those grounds.
When you are in a situation that is stable, with someone you deeply trust, a lot of that fear will go away. If there's still some difficult emotions remaining, but--in your deepest and most unflinchingly honest understanding--you still completely want to be intimate with the person--then is the time to start working on making baggage go away.
likely, though, it will already be gone.
It's hard to wait for someone you really want, instead of taking sooner emotional gratification and emotional closeness that's terribly missed and needed. I think, though, that it spares the greater pain. Accumulating more "baggage" from lovers you taken as an adult isn't going to help anything.
Try not to worry so much about being "behind" or not having enough experience. When you're really in the right relationship, they'll understand, and, I'm sure, be more than happy to help you practice till you've made up the difference. |
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quirky
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Posts: 348
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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| I can relate. I'm 19, and I've never even kissed a guy. I know how much pressure you feel that it's "too late" or that a guy will think you're weird when you try to explain why you're so behind. I've been really freaked out about this lately. I'm trying to work on it and figure it out. Just try and wait until you find a guy who can understand this - you're still young enough that you can find an inexperienced guy who can relate to you. |
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Wholesome
Butterfly
Joined: Aug 06, 2008
Posts: 15
Location: Texas
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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| I was molested as a child by a family member. I always thought it was holding me back sexually but now I believe it is my AS. I didn't discover until my son was diagnosed (I was 37). I went thru the motions of the teenage scene but was very disappointed and hurt emotionally. I was attracted to boys that weren't interested and settled for boys I really did not care about. I finally had sex with someone I did not love or respect just because I felt I was old enough and I was behind all of my friends. I was 19. Thank God that I did not get pregnant. We dated awhile but we were so immature. Within 6 months I met and married the first person that asked me. He was 26 and I was 19. I knew that I did not love him but I really did not believe in the emotion of romantic love. We stayed together 10 miserable years with nothing in common and he did not want kids. So we divorced and I met my current husband of 12 years. We have 3 kids. I matured and realize that love is a choice. I am about 10 yrs. behind all of my friends with my maturity,the age of my children, finances, ect.. My advice is to not focus on the sexual. Find a male friend and if it is meant to be, the relationship will grow. If he's not understanding, he's not worth it. Do not rush it up. You really have plenty of time. Don't make the mistakes I made. I am happy where I am at but feel I wasted 10 yrs. but emotionally I was not ready, yet. We became Christians 5 yrs. ago and I plan to encourage my daughters to save their virginity for marriage. I wish that I would have not followed social pressures that I put on myself. You live and learn! |
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