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Drakeman
Raven
Joined: Mar 04, 2006
Age: 21
Posts: 123
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 Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:50 pm Post subject: Trying hard not to be depressed... |
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But there are some things I'm having some an extremely hard time with:
1. Our Basketball team made it to the semifinals in the state playoffs, and we lost. I cried for the first time in years, and everyone, including me, played like absolute s***.
2. I'm getting severely attached to a girl again, as you can tell somewhat in my other posts. She's an attractive 16 year-old from Russia, and I love her to death, but she seems to be turning away from me against a guy I'm close to beating the living hell out of. Looks like my heart could be dragged through barbwire again...
3. I'm on restriction from Video Games, my main outlet when I'm having issues. Without it, everything is standing on the words that my Ipod pump out to relieve my emotional stress. It isn't going to hold up much longer.
These three things combined together are slowly burning away my supports that are keeping my life happy right now. I've had horrible problems in the past, with women especially, and it seems like I'm heading down that path again and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. It's as if I'm staring right into the lights of an incoming train, the horn blowing fiercely, and my feet are glued onto the tracks. At least for now, suicide is not an option. I'm trying to look happy and be happy on the outside, but deep down depression is all that resides in my heart it seems. I'm totally lost... |
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CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, ISFJ Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 35
Posts: 31463
Location: Somewhere between 1964 and 1984, on any given day.
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| Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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| I was dealing with similar feelings, in 2001. There were two Deaths in my Family in the same month, during the Winter. I had a crush on a Yorkshireman who was twice my age, until he started to show his true colours. There were lots of conflicts going on, at home. I was just becomming one with my Accent, against the wishes that my Parents had for me, during the Summer of 1987, when I was twelve. I was becomming very obsessed with The Pearly Kings and Queens of London. I kept hearing an echo of my Twelve Year-Old Voice saying, "Once a Cockney, always a Cockney!" and my Mom's voice, saying "Dont say that!" I was also having Flashbacks about my Grade 7 Year and the day that I got in trouble with the Music Teacher. I've kept on repeating to him, that I was sorry. Nothing that I ever did, seemed to be right. I was also volunteering at a Nursing Home, which wasn't a very good idea. I didn't realise how grumpy Seniours could be. I was pretending to be happy. |
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Jetson
The Map Maker
Joined: Feb 23, 2005
Posts: 1219
Location: Vancouver, Canada
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| Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 1:07 am Post subject: Re: Trying hard not to be depressed... |
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| Drakeman wrote: | | 2. I'm getting severely attached to a girl again, as you can tell somewhat in my other posts. She's an attractive 16 year-old from Russia, and I love her to death, but she seems to be turning away from me against a guy I'm close to beating the living hell out of. Looks like my heart could be dragged through barbwire again... |
Unrequited love and attraction are pretty common, particularly when you're in school and there is lots of competition. It truly sucks to become obsessed with a person when you're an aspie because it's really hard to let go. It's normal to be depressed about it. You just have to remember that there are other girls out there. The one who will love you back may already be in your life and you simply haven't noticed her yet because you're too focussed on the one you can't have...
If she likes another guy then beating him up will only turn her attitude toward you from indifference to real hatred. It won't solve anything, and you'll end up hurt, in trouble and even more alone.
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What would Flying Spaghetti Monster do? |
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TigerFire
SquallLeonhart
Joined: Mar 03, 2006
Posts: 1901
Location: Cave Spring GA USA
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| Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 9:25 am Post subject: Re: Trying hard not to be depressed... |
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| Drakeman wrote: | But there are some things I'm having some an extremely hard time with:
1. Our Basketball team made it to the semifinals in the state playoffs, and we lost. I cried for the first time in years, and everyone, including me, played like absolute s***.
2. I'm getting severely attached to a girl again, as you can tell somewhat in my other posts. She's an attractive 16 year-old from Russia, and I love her to death, but she seems to be turning away from me against a guy I'm close to beating the living hell out of. Looks like my heart could be dragged through barbwire again...
3. I'm on restriction from Video Games, my main outlet when I'm having issues. Without it, everything is standing on the words that my Ipod pump out to relieve my emotional stress. It isn't going to hold up much longer.
These three things combined together are slowly burning away my supports that are keeping my life happy right now. I've had horrible problems in the past, with women especially, and it seems like I'm heading down that path again and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. It's as if I'm staring right into the lights of an incoming train, the horn blowing fiercely, and my feet are glued onto the tracks. At least for now, suicide is not an option. I'm trying to look happy and be happy on the outside, but deep down depression is all that resides in my heart it seems. I'm totally lost... |
Take this to heart my fellow gamer and fellow Aspie when life throws you lemons make the lemons into lemonaid. Which is something I should be telling my self. I know this is hard for me to tell you this when everyones told me that there are other girls out there. You will find the right one I found mine when I almost completely thought I would never find her. I'm now engaged to her and I'm really having a hard time being without her since she's at a Voc Rehab Center which I no longer am at. I've been where you are and I'm still suffering through Major Depression. It's really rough going for me. I hope you'll make it. I hope I will too. I just don't know anymore.
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Beauty is in the eye of beholder but to a theif beauty is money. |
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Drakeman
Raven
Joined: Mar 04, 2006
Age: 21
Posts: 123
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| Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for the support, and I really feel for ya Tigerfire. Sounds like you have a situation far worse than mine, and I only wish you the absolute best through your rough time. I'm trying really hard to focus on other things than romance right now, such as getting my first car soon. After gaining knowledge on several cars and engine management, I'm looking foward to entering the automotive world in the near future.
The thing that hurts me the most about her, however, is that she really seemed like she understood how I felt and worked, and she could be something special. I'm fairly confident it was a 2-way crush on each other, and now she's starting to let go of it after we talked on the phone for about 2 hours everyday and me getting up at 7:00 on weekends to go see her play in her church basketball games to be there for her and support her. Hell, she's even given hints about being just as attached to me as I am to her. The only reason I didn't go ahead and try asking her out was simply because Basketball was consuming my life most of the time I met her. Practice wasn't over until 8:30 at night, and I talked with her until around 11:00 at night when I was horribly exhausted. Now, I think her crush on me is over and she is turning to a nasty enemy of mine, and it hurts. I never really got to spend true time with her, but I knew her so well. And, to top it off, the time that I could have spent with her felt as if it were for nothing... which ties back into my original reason of our basketball team losing in the state playoffs.
The emotional pain is unbearable at times, but I really try to do what I can to not think about relationships in general. I've been depressed before one time in my life, and I was so miserable I quit eating and lost so much weight I dropped down to 100 pounds even when I'm 5'9" at 16 years old. I'm doing everything I can not to go down that path again, but like I said earlier, it's so difficult without my normal Video Games and nothing to hold onto. My parents simply just aren't there right now... my father works until 6:00 everyday and is tired when he gets home, and my mother is gone off trying to get some money in order to nullify my private school tuition which is currently at $20,000. My friends, as important as they are to my life right now, just wouldn't really understand what I was going through. Most of them would, without a doubt, just simply say the usual find another girl and such, but of course they have no clue that I'm an Aspie. If I don't find an outlet soon, then I will eventually have to create one at any cost; Whether it's getting into a fight, faking an illness for sympathy, or, preferrably, just embracing the one I'm attached to and holding her tightly in my arms. I'd give anything for just a moment with her now... instead of just exchanging a few aggravated words over the cell phone. If not for my fantastic grades right now, then life would be pretty unbearable as it stands right now unfortunately.
Edit: Something important I forgot to mention. This girl still gives me occasional calls, and we still have some good conversations occasionally. However, I think her interest still lies in the other guy, so it hurts talking to her at times. It's as if she just wants to be friends still, but it's too difficult for me to really accept that. Granted, it could be very good as she could lose interest in that guy and come to me again possibly, but givin my past relationships and my social difficulties, it's highly unlikely it will play out that way. It's like standing next to the person you love, and watching her kiss your most hated enemy. |
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Fiz
The Outspoken
Joined: Jan 30, 2006
Posts: 1733
Location: Manchester, United Kingdom
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| Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Well TigerFire and Drakeman I really hope you both make through your hard times. The fact that you have both come this far already shows that you guys are actually quite strong individuals even though you may not feel it right now. I know how many of us Aspies need some outlet to vent our feelings and that, Drakeman, when we develop feelings for someone, we cant forget or get over it as quickly as others, or we don't seem to anyway as this is how I am at least. I have been in a situation where I've loved and lost and found it tough and, funnily enough, my outlet was video games too. How come you have been restricted from them Drakeman? |
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Drakeman
Raven
Joined: Mar 04, 2006
Age: 21
Posts: 123
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| Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 9:20 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm on restriction for going way over my given text message limit on my cell phone. Granted, a lot of the messages did go to her, but I was too wrapped up in my own stuff and totally forgot about the set limit at the time. As a result, I'm banned from video games for 2 weeks and text messaging on my phone is gone until I move out of the house. Even back when I was depressed, I'd just go and try a no-materia challenge on FFVII or play Diablo II to help deal with it. Since my outlet has been removed, however, it's been far more difficult for me to cope with my problem. I've been trying some different things of late, and the 2 that seem to be working the best are my ipod and working on creating my very own Final Fantasy title. Still though, I think about her in the back of my mind constantely and just that fact makes me just want to quit what I'm doing and lay down and think about her. I'll drop by her MySpace constantely to see if she's doing alright and just get a good look at the beautiful smile in her picture. I know deep down I need to stop, but without my primary outlet, it's something that also seems impossible to accomplish... |
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Drakeman
Raven
Joined: Mar 04, 2006
Age: 21
Posts: 123
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| Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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Well... I guess it's time for an update, and, unfortunately, not a good one. I get a call at 7:00 this morning, and it turned out to be her. She was having her last church basketball game today, and I originally wasn't planning on going since I had a bad week in general and I was exhausted. However, she pleaded for me to come, and I figured what the hell, why not... she already just woke me up anyways. I take a while to get ready, but my parents won't let be take one of their cars in get up to the game (they claim that they don't have enough money to afford the insurance for me right now, so I can't have one), so I call 6 different people to get a ride up to the church. After several tries, I find someone that hasn't left yet and they drop by and give me a ride. I didn't like the people all that much, but I sucked it up for her since I cared about seeing her play.
Well, after a little drive, I finally get their, and she's standing around at the front door. There's not that many people around, so I just go up to her and say hey, and she blows me off like I'm nothing. She then walks into the gym to get ready for her game, and I sit near a group of people to at least make myself blend in with everyone else somewhat as the game gets ready to get off. I smile at her as she gets ready to play, and she flashes me a wierd look. After that, she goes over to my "rival", talks and laughs with him, and then goes and starts to play.
Needless to say, I became very pissed off. I got out of the crowd, and laid down on the couch in the lobby and sipped on my orange juice I had bought from McD's on the way to the game. I lay their with my head back, and my rival comes and calls me "queer" and runs off. This just makes me even more angry than I already am, so I go and find him on the other side of the lobby were him and one of his friends are, slam my orange juice cup against the wall, and tell him to "Step up". He flips out apparently, and runs outside and walks down to the a nearby fastfood chain to get something to eat, his little buddy trailing right behind him.
Now even more hurt than I previously was, I go and walk down to a nearby Rental Store and chill out there as I call up my friend to come pick me up. He eventually comes, and while he feels sympathy for me, it just seemed that he remotely cared less deep down inside. He takes me to my house, were I just sit around and do nothing for about an hour. My parents return home from a trip, and they feel sorry for me. They offer to take me to a car dealership to look at a car I'm very likely to recieve finally, and I accept. I have a good time test driving it I guess, but what was meant to be extremely fun was rather dull, as I had the incident in the back of my mind the entire time while we were there. I eventually arrive home, having not eaten anything but breakfast the whole day, and take a nap. I'm awakened by another phone call, and it turns out to be here. She's curious as to why I left, and I be honest and tell her the reason. She seems unconcerned, and makes up some excuse about not doing it in front of my "rival". She then says she has to do something and will call back later. However, I recieved no apology for what she did, and needless to say I'm still hurt and pissed about it. Just another addition to my "wonderful" week I guess... |
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