UberElvis
Raven
Joined: Nov 12, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 109
Location: Omaha, NE, USA (hopefully moving far away soon)
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 Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:32 pm Post subject: Yet Another "there's this girl" thread... |
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Hello all. I have read some of the more recent posts here in this category and have actually found a lot of answers to my recent uprising questions just from reading other peoples threads. However, I figured I could polish off my newfound knowledge by stating my situation and asking for a few ideas. So, here goes:
I have been in a group for aspies run by my Dr, for a long time. I've been upset with the operations for a long time because they have the guys and girls in separate groups. However, about two months ago, they put a girl in our group because, I'm not sure, but I believe she is unable to go to the girls group on the day it is, so they put her in the group with us guys. I was really excited about this (internally). She seems to be reacting to it differently than one would expect. She is actively contributing in the sessions and getting a long with us well, even on her first week. I am beginning to think I could get a lot of benefits from being in a friendship with her, or possibly eventually even more. I'm thinking she could benefit in some way too by chance. So I've participated in group with her and the others 3 or so weeks now. There has been no group for 2 more weeks now, but tomorrow the group is meeting again.
I have a rough plan of taking this to the next step. I want to try and start up a casual conversation after group ends if she doesn't seemed rushed. My plan is to start by asking: "Hi (her name here). How's it going?" and then continue asking a few random questions about her for maybe 2 to 3 minutes, and, depending on my judgement of how the conversation goes, say that I have to leave, but ask her if she wants my number so we can continue the conversation some other time (note I'm asking if she wants MINE for the reason of keeping it cool) and then if she mentions wanting a full exchange I can do that, otherwise, just give her mine and safely see if she's interested. Finally, I would say goodbye and drive home.
Any ideas to add to my "scenario"? Any modifications to make? I want some criticism for filtering out "no-no's" and adding anything that will enhance the scenario. Just keep in mind that I've known her for longer time than some real sudden situations but shorter then situations that would be the safest (since I've known her about 2 months, yet not seeing her extremely often). Advice of all types is welcome. |
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Learning2Survive
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 20, 2009
Age: 25
Posts: 1777
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| Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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Other guys in your group are wanting to start dating her too. Your Dr. hates this. This happens in every AS support group - guys go after the few girls whether the girls want it or not. I would talk to your Dr. about it and have him give you tips about how to go about this. My advice, don't even try!
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UberElvis
Raven
Joined: Nov 12, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 109
Location: Omaha, NE, USA (hopefully moving far away soon)
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 8:33 am Post subject: |
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| Good point. I didn't even think of that. However, could you please elaborate on what makes you think my Dr. would hate this? |
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Learning2Survive
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 20, 2009
Age: 25
Posts: 1777
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 9:45 am Post subject: |
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I apologize for sounding harsh in previous post. I would encourage you to try and speculate on why your Dr. might not like like this, in other words, try to think out loud.
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amazon_television
whatever feels good is good
Joined: Feb 18, 2009
Age: 30
Posts: 1400
Location: the chamber of spectacular death
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 9:49 am Post subject: |
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| UberElvis wrote: | | Good point. I didn't even think of that. However, could you please elaborate on what makes you think my Dr. would hate this? |
I don't want to step on toes, but I think he's suggesting that the Dr hates it because it's a distraction, and hence, counterproductive to the group's focus on its objectives and goals, whatever those may be. Why else would they keep the men and women separate in the first place?
edit: posted same time, sorry L2S  |
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UberElvis
Raven
Joined: Nov 12, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 109
Location: Omaha, NE, USA (hopefully moving far away soon)
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:05 am Post subject: |
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| That's why I said I would do it after group, outside of the building, therefore, I do not believe it would necessarily be counter-productive, as long as I kept this stuff out of the actual session. I apologize if I didn't make that clear. |
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Learning2Survive
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 20, 2009
Age: 25
Posts: 1777
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:07 am Post subject: |
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I think an autistic girl Rima in my AS group is cute, but she is severely autistic. In my fantasies, I guess, in an imaginary world, it would be nice to try and date her. In the real world, though, one guy is already friends with her, and two others are thinking about it.
SHE probably does not want to be hit upon in the AS group. It is unwanted on her part, that I why I would not even try and start up a casual conversation. It is better to err on the side of caution, than to make the girl uncomfortable in the one place where she can be herself.
AS groups are support group. They are NOT dating clubs. You should not mix support with dating. If I wanted to start talking to her I would discuss this with the Dr. who runs my AS group. I would ask him "I like Rima. I want to be friends with her. I fantasize about dating her. I realize it is inappropriate for me to do this. I do not want to overstep my boundaries. I don't want to do anything inappropriate. That is why I am going to keep my mouth shut and leave her alone. Can you give me some appropriate things I can do Dr.? Can you also tell what are the INAPPROPRIATE things for me to do?"
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CrinklyCrustacean
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 23, 2009
Posts: 1223
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:09 am Post subject: |
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| amazon_television wrote: | | Why else would they keep the men and women separate in the first place? |
Because men have a bad track record when it comes to being around women? |
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amazon_television
whatever feels good is good
Joined: Feb 18, 2009
Age: 30
Posts: 1400
Location: the chamber of spectacular death
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:12 am Post subject: |
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| UberElvis wrote: | | That's why I said I would do it after group, outside of the building, therefore, I do not believe it would necessarily be counter-productive, as long as I kept this stuff out of the actual session. I apologize if I didn't make that clear. |
No, you were pretty clear. In the doctor's eyes that would probably not be counter-productive to the group as a whole, but it would be to you (as it suggests that while in group your mind is elsewhere), and probably to her as well (because she would walk away from the meeting thinking about her interaction with you, as opposed to absorbing the discussion). |
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Learning2Survive
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 20, 2009
Age: 25
Posts: 1777
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:14 am Post subject: |
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she would feel uncomfortable and insecure about being open and honest in the group if you two became friends.
Basically, YOU would have to quit the group in order to become friends with her.
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desmonami
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 06, 2009
Age: 21
Posts: 153
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:55 am Post subject: |
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| Why dont you try getting to know her in the support group before making your move? |
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