Do you hate it when...

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Sometimes when a third person shows up and starts talking as though I didn't exist and a previous conversation were not already in progress, I become so overwhelmed by the obvious rudeness and the sudden change of things that it leaves me speechless. Once in a while a few of the conversation hijackers may take notice of me, though; and when they do, they will often turn to me and say something like, "My, you're very quiet."

Yeah, or I mean, hate is a strong word, but definitely I get confused by it (but depends how "awake" I am, or how many impressions I've already had).
It has made me wonder that even when the NT has asked me a question and I'm answering, they still turn to the other person that comes by. I thought, didn't they just ask a question, don't they want the answer anyway? But now I know that it's that smalltalk thingy... the question wasn't supposed to be important, or to be means to achieve a piece of information, really.

What amazes me is that when the other comes by, the NT always can switch in a second from having a dialogue with me to having one with the other. I can't do that, when the by-comíng person starts talking to me. I'll get confused and say, "um, wait a minute, I was saying something to NN, but I'll return to you."
One thing at a time, that's a good principle I think.

Hi SpokaneGirl, I didn't see that part first... but yes, I tend to do the same, but sometimes I get tired of waiting and leave (often without them noticing, but I know it's just because they make this walking-to-and-fro-kind of smalltalk, and not to be mean).

Before knowing I was an aspie, I noticed that it really annoyed me when people came by and began a new conversation like that, and I would really boil inside, but without saying anything, but then really feel bad about myself afterwards because I apparently was such a bad person who couldn't let people talk to others without getting annoyed as if I was they only person in the world they could talk to...

But now I know why.
And it helps, when they switch conversations in a second, to focus on something else, maybe until the "intruding" part has gone, eg. look up and focus on a corner of the ceiling or something similar. That was a coping strategy I developed after I knew why I got confused / annoyed like that.

This happens to me all the time.

But you have to understand the depth of the issue, which Aspies usually are blind to. NTs have nonverbal codes by which they allow the interruption of the third person, encourage it, discourage it or plain refuse it. So when this happens to you, remember it's not the third person who's leaving you out. It's the person you've been talking to who made the decision to change conversation partners.

I won't go into HOW NTs signal the above to each other because it varies from culture to culture a bit. But a few of the signs I've seen Anglo-Saxons use too:

1. Eye contact with the third person as they're approaching you two (or lack thereof).
2. Smiling at the third person when they see them approaching (or poker face to discourage)
3. Turning torso towards third person or turning back to them.
4. Listening to third person attentively or continuing the conversation with you.
5. Allowing third person to change the subject
6. Asking third person a question.

For almost 5 decades I was blind to the fact that it's the second person and not the third who does the trick.

Of course, when I'm the third person, I get the discouraging signs. Which nowadays I know to read before I'm ignored painfully once I've joined the two.

In the culture I live in nowadays, it's a lot more obvious and rude. They just ignore your "hello" when you're a third person passing by if they don't want you to join the conversation you're having with someone. And they look the other way when you try to establish eye contact. Once they're finished talking to that person and the next they want to talk to and the next and the next, they'll come up to you and greet you with a broad smile as if it was the first time they saw you today. This is why I abhor cocktail parties.

Waiting for the third person to leave when the second person is actually encouraging them is a social faux pas (mistake that's understood as rude on YOUR part). The correct action is to IMMEDIATELYexcuse yourself when you see that person no. 2 is encouraging person no. 3, and go away to talk to others. This is, of course, unless person no. 3 is very openly addressing BOTH of you, not only person no. 2. But if this was the case, you wouldn't be complaining and posting about it.

Remember in those conditions to excuse yourself and leave IMMEDIATELY. Timing is of the essence here, because if you're quick like lightning, you'll be seen as welcoming the break rather than as a leech who has nobody else to talk to and is trying to get glued to person no. 2. If you observe diplomats and other PR people, you'll see this is what they do. It's a way of saying "I don't mind your blowing me off, I actually wanted to go".

I tend to shut down and not know what to say anymore.
I can never find anything to say about the subject they're discussing. I just try to smile at the right times.

I think its the absolute epitome of rudeness, from both of them - the person I was chatting away with in the first place AND the one who bounces over wanting attention.
I can't believe it when it happens, which is quite regularly, unfortunately.
Weirdly, the worst perpertrators tend to be really pleasant in most things and don't have a clue that they have been out of order.

I wonder if this happens to none aspies too and if this is how socialization is supposed to go? You ignore each other as you talk to a person.