Those 4 words that I dread hearing

emp · Phoenix Joined: Apr 15, 2006 Posts: 1001

I need some suckup sympathy, people. My problem is not getting dates, but holding onto them. You see, the problem is that -- despite my efforts to hide it -- my girlfriends eventually discover my greatness, and then suffer multiple seizures of insecurity. I cannot bring myself to tell you how many times I have heard: "Oh emp, I'm not worthy of you! I.. am.. NOT.. worthy!!!"

My longest relationship was the one where I mortally offended the parents, nay, the whole family of my girlfriend, by giving them a dose of my brutal honesty. I offended them so badly that they refused to even be present in the same building as I.

And so this relationship lasted an unusually long time because the fiasco I had instigated counteracted my aura of greatness... for a while. Unfortunately the effect eventually dissipated as the memory of the incident faded, and then one day I awoke to hear those dreaded words once again: "I am not worthy! I am not worthy!" ...being whispered over and over like she was in a trance. (This was after an exceptionally good night of love-making.)

I have given up on asking women who I think are perfectly acceptable in the looks department out on dates. I just have no success with them at all. I ask them with full sincerity, and their response is to slap me on the face and say, "How dare you make fun of me!" This limits me to dating only the few exceptionally smokin' hot women -- they are the only ones who believe me when I ask them out on a date. Unfortunately they are hard to find.

When a breakup occurs, I often ask: "Have I done something wrong? Please feel free to criticize me. I am willing to listen to it with an open mind and take it into account. I really want to know if you think there is something I should fix or improve about myself."
Typically this causes them to burst into tears and run out of the room. So frustrating.

At one point I thought I would try Asian women to see if I could have more success. Well, I must say I was quite shocked to wake up one morning and discover that my Asian girlfriend had built a little Buddhist temple around my head while I had slept, with my face as the centerpiece being worshipped, complete with burning incense. She had even shaved her head and dressed in orange robes.

I gaped at her, absolutely flabbergasted, while she prostrated herself before me and beseeched me for enlightenment. After I got my wits in order, I made an excuse that I had just awoken and it was my customary habit to "enlighten" myself first thing after waking. So I locked myself into the bathroom, climbed out of the window, and ran away as fast I could, regardless of my lack of clothing. To this day the religion she started continues in honor of me but without me.

It is all so very frustrating! Now where is my sympathy? Lay it on extra thick. Give me a double serving. Put whipped cream and a cherry on top. Spare no expense!