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CRD
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2009
Age: 32
Posts: 615
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 Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Sit down with him lay what YOU need out very, very clearly. Give him a time frame to make these changes if he can not do these things leave. The damage his behavoir is doing to your childern isn't worth it. He might have just been curzing Web MD one day and thought G this sounds like something I can use to treat others like dog poop.Sorry if the post is a little venty. But using autim or aspergers as a excuse burns my toast my father did the same thing when I was a little girl <but it was drugs not as>. Bottom line is it hurting your kids and if he's unwilling to change you should not spend your life and the kids childhood paying for it. |
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relieved
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 13, 2009
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 11:59 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I've always had a struggle with my Aspie's approach to sex! He goes at everything like he's killin' snakes, and the bedroom is no exception Sad I have tried to explain things to him, but unless I want to explain every single time, it's no use! He simply doesn't get it. I miss tenderness and passion. I didn't like the way teenage boys approached me before, and I certainly don't appreciate the behavior now. I have lost a part of myself in this relationship and fear that I will never experience "normal adult sex" again. I try not to think about it and have pretty much accepted that this is my lot in life... |
very well put, sadly.
| Quote: | | Bottom line is it hurting your kids and if he's unwilling to change you should not spend your life and the kids childhood paying for it. |
Our three sons are all in college now. I can NOT imagine what I would have done if my husband's AS had come to light when they were young. I totally relate to your protective stance!! Now I am just trying to do 'damage control'.
Chizpurfle52595: in my case emotional abuse would be an overstatement. What I deal with is really crude, tasteless sexual remarks & references, really gross bathroom information... I will never understand how this man who needs to lose 40-50 pounds and shows up at work with shirts mis-buttoned and collar askew feels perfectly at ease critiquing women as though he were a highly revered Miss America judge!!! It leaves me speechless. I have given up trying to point out the inappropriateness to him. There has been some emotional abuse, almost entirely sexual... I have been healing my own childhood issues and am stronger and wiser now. He coerced me to expose myself in public in broad daylight, a public parking lot, so he could take a picture. At the time, I felt that failure to comply would cost me more than I could pay, so I did as he asked just like a child being molested. He still has no idea why it bothered me at all.
Well, anyway, that's my vent for today  |
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 59
Posts: 13239
Location: Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:09 pm Post subject: |
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| relieved wrote: | | [I will never understand how this man who needs to lose 40-50 pounds and shows up at work with shirts mis-buttoned and collar askew feels perfectly at ease critiquing women as though he were a highly revered Miss America judge!!! It leaves me speechless. Well, anyway, that's my vent for today |
QFT and co-sign!
Unfortunately, I believe this is universal to men and not just to Aspies. It is almost as if we are on some sort of buffet table . . . I guess you have to be taught to think like this and consider it the divine right of men, or something. After all, created in God's image, and all that. 
Merle
_________________
where sin abounds, grace abounds the more;
Non omnis moriar |
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Boston_MA
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 22, 2009
Age: 22
Posts: 69
Location: Boston, MA USA
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| Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 1:58 am Post subject: |
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enjoy him for who he is, and try to engage him, teach him, encourage him, be assertive and not let him yell at you. change yourself, and let him change himself. don't try to change him. treat him with respect. try to help him learn. and make him feel like he is achieving something, not correcting mistakes. honestly, just reading how you talk about this guy, i would hate to hear all those accusations.
it's better when people lower their expectations and treat each other in a laid back manner
and not get too focused on things that drive them crazy
both have to be eager team players
a family is a team
The Family Crucible from the 1970s explains this very well
don't say "i feel alone" "say i want to talk to you, you make me feel happy and less lonely when we talk" |
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the_wife
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 30, 2009
Age: 45
Posts: 54
Location: Colorado
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| Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 11:41 am Post subject: |
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I'm with the others that say, yes, there are certain communicative and relational limits to being married to an Aspie, but he and you can't use it as a crutch to dismiss him just being outright MEAN to you. That's not necessarily and Asperger trait, that's just a jerk trait. And it's not an excuse for him to be verbally abusive to your kids, either, if it comes to that.
My husband is Aspie, I'm NT. He needs things to be really spelled out for him, literally, as he does not speak body language! Even when I spell things out, he sometimes turns my words around to his own translation, so I have to clarify and re-clarify sometimes. |
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OddFinn
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 28, 2009
Posts: 473
Location: Finland
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| Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 12:25 pm Post subject: |
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| the_wife wrote: |
My husband is Aspie, I'm NT. He needs things to be really spelled out for him, literally, as he does not speak body language! Even when I spell things out, he sometimes turns my words around to his own translation, so I have to clarify and re-clarify sometimes. |
Good luck to you. I am the AS husband in my marriage, and my wife is the NT. We just had a fight over some misunderstanding, and I feel really bad about it. The problem is, that after over 18 years of marriage, I still do not know how to show her how sorry I feel. She said that it was the last discussion we would ever have. I know she did not mean it, but I still took it literally and felt terribly offended. Phew... sorry I might not be good company right now, I'll try to calm down. |
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CRD
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2009
Age: 32
Posts: 615
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| Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Oddfinn flowers are always a good place to start or just a little something you know she likes. Even doing a little chore that you'd normaly not do is a nice way to show your sorry and care about her feelings. |
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Holly915
Emu Egg
Joined: Sep 12, 2009
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 4:00 pm Post subject: I think my fiance has asperger's |
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I have been with my fiance for two years. I grow more sure each day that he has Asperger's Syndrome. I have been a special education teacher for many years and cannot ignore the signs. I strongly believe his 13 year old son has it too. I don't have a problem dealing with the quirkiness, OCD, etc.. What is difficult is that he doesn't realize. Behavior therapy or counseling would be so helpful. His son was seen many years ago and he said the neurologist told him then that his son didn't have it. I think with the advancements, a doctor would diagnose it now. His ex-wife does not like to deal with these types of issues with their children
Any advice out there? I would really appreciate it. |
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hanginginthere
Emu Egg
Joined: Sep 13, 2009
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 7:28 am Post subject: Re: thank you everyone |
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| relieved wrote: | | I have just figured out that my husband of 25 years has AS, and it is the most tremendous RELIEF to have an answer to explain his behavior. |
Wow! My mind is spinning because I, too, after 25 years of being married, have realized that my husband has AS. Things were fine when we were dating-we were part of a group of friends and we were living and working in a busy city: lots to do and loads of friends. The first night after our wedding, I realized all was not quite right.
My husband was diagnosed with depression after about six years of marriage and I then attributed everything to that. I now see it was not helpful because I was dealing with the wrong problems.
I realize now that he has always been willing to do anything for me but I have to specifically ask him to do things or he will not do anything to help me.
We have three children, two in college and one in his senior year at high school. I am quite concerned about how my children are: do they have AS? Will they be ok?
I am dreading the empty nest because I also feel like I am married to a child. I was thankful to read about other people's experience with sex. I feel like he is about 12 years old when he decides now is the time to have sex.
I realize no one chooses to have AS and people can't help it. I know that my husband is a good man and means well, in his way. I just want to know how I will be able to survive the next forty years... |
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