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StillStorm
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 03, 2009
Posts: 26
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 Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:02 am Post subject: Saying what people want to hear |
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Does anyone else find they do this? I don't know if it's directly related to AS or not? I find that I'm constantly trying to paint a false impression of myself by trying to adapt what I'm saying to what I think whoever I'm talking to wants to hear. It's not done in a deliberately deceitful manner, and I'm not talking about telling outright lies. I think it's more to do with lack of social confidence, not rocking the boat, avoiding confrontation and trying to appear normal to whoever I'm talking to. Or maybe it's my way of dealing with difficult social situations - though I don't think it helps because it makes it very difficult to be true to myself. It also depends on who and what I'm talking to. If I feel comfortable and confident about what I'm talking about (like it's a subject I know a lot about) then I can push the boundaries more and I can hold quite a fluent and normal conversation.
Is this just an indication of bad AS social skills? Or something more specific. This has left me wondering the past few days so I'm interested if anyone else here behaves similarly. |
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Manders
death by sexy
Joined: Jul 17, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 1133
Location: 6 Underground
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:14 am Post subject: |
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I don't necessarily say what people want to hear, but I do water my opinions or thoughts down quite a bit. I like to avoid pointless debates and whatnot, unless it's something I really really feel passionate about. I also don't want to ever offend anyone, or be judged for disagreeing.
More than not, I just keep my mouth shut. |
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GoatOnFire
Greatest Of All Time
Joined: Feb 23, 2007
Posts: 3955
Location: Texas
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:34 am Post subject: |
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It depends.
Sometimes I enjoy telling people what they don't want to hear. 
However, if I always said what was on my mind I would be banned from WP pretty quickly and probably be in jail or dead after getting into nasty fights so I definitely do have a filter.
_________________
Oh say, can you see? Everyone is dumb but me. I'm never ever wrong, and that's all you'll ever be. |
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Michjo
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 05, 2009
Age: 25
Posts: 1020
Location: Oxford, UK
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:46 am Post subject: |
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| I don't tell people what they wish to hear, i believe if you were a good friend you would tell people what the reality of their situation is. False hope just leads to even bigger let downs, don't put problems aside to deal with later, deal with them as they come. |
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DarrylZero
One Cool Gumshoe
Joined: Jun 05, 2009
Posts: 1709
Location: Undercover...don't tell anyone! Shhhh
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:57 am Post subject: |
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It depends on the circumstance. If it's not important for me to be upfront and honest, I'll usually try to phrase my words in a way that would be deemed acceptable, as far as I understand that to be. What I do have a tendency to do is go along with a misunderstanding (again, only if it's not important for me to correct them). I'll say something with literal intent, only to see it interpreted as a joke by those around me. If it's not important, I'll laugh along. If I'm not entirely clear on what was said, I may nod and "uh-huh" and hope I don't get quizzed on it later. This usually happens when it's more social conversation as opposed to professional conversation. (Them: "Hey, you know when you're on a date with someone and...blah...blah..." Me: "Um, sure, yeah."    ) |
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marshall
Under the whirlwind
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 2778
Location: North West United States
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 4:22 am Post subject: |
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I don't like sharing too much about myself for some reason. Thus I feel pretty fake around most people. I even felt fake with my friends in college. I'm always the mysterious quiet person in every social group I'm with. People are always shocked when they find out that I can be sarcastic, swear, make dirty jokes, etc. They're also shocked when they find out that I actually have opinions.
I like being on the internet where I can be as honest or fake as I want.  Here I don't feel like I have to do anything to fit in. I'm more open here than I am anywhere IRL. Even more so than I am with family members. It's downright creepy to me.
Last edited by marshall on Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:12 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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StillStorm
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 03, 2009
Posts: 26
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 4:27 am Post subject: |
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Yes, I often don't want to challenge misunderstandings either (and they seem to happen a lot!) particularly if I don't feel confident enough to correct the person. I think not offending the other person is a factor too. Communication is about taking certain risks, right? I think I avoid social risks because I sometimes don't know what's acceptable and what isn't or because I don't feel I can justify my position properly.
On the other hand in situations where I feel confident I can enjoy being controversial, and even excessively belligerent at times! |
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marshall
Under the whirlwind
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 2778
Location: North West United States
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 4:46 am Post subject: |
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| StillStorm wrote: | Yes, I often don't want to challenge misunderstandings either (and they seem to happen a lot!) particularly if I don't feel confident enough to correct the person. I think not offending the other person is a factor too. Communication is about taking certain risks, right? I think I avoid social risks because I sometimes don't know what's acceptable and what isn't or because I don't feel I can justify my position properly.
On the other hand in situations where I feel confident I can enjoy being controversial, and even excessively belligerent at times! |
People misinterpret me a lot as well. I've had instances where I'll be talking about some topic and then when the listener responds I'll realize they thought I was talking about a completely different topic. Then I feel like I have to quickly come up with some way to pretend that we were on the same topic all along because I fear causing someone embarrassment. It's quite bizarre when it happens. I have to actively resist the urge to start laughing. Usually happens when I've been switching back and forth between topics.
Last edited by marshall on Sat Jul 04, 2009 4:47 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Crocodile
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 28, 2008
Age: 17
Posts: 423
Location: The Netherlands
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 4:47 am Post subject: |
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Mostly, when it's not important or they don't specifically ask for my opinion, I tell them what they want to hear. If I wouldn't, I would get into real social problems since people don't like to hear negative things about their new shoes and such. People expect from you to say what they want you to say, they do it too. That's why it's useless to ask for someone's opinion because they won't tell their true view anyway. Lying isn't just socially accepted, it is necessary to keep people accepting and liking you. What you're doing isn't strange or weak or aanything, everyone does it.
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Christians believe in The Holy Bible, Muslims believe in The Qur'aan and I believe in Mother Goose's Tale.
I GRADUATED WITH THE HIGHEST GRADES OF MY YEAR!!!!!
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Crion87
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jan 21, 2005
Posts: 138
Location: Victoria, Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:33 am Post subject: |
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Sometimes I try and not only tell people what I think they want me to hear, I might try and hide the truth. Reason? Fear of rejection!
For example, a guy at a shop I frequent happen to think something about myself, in particular, he probably thinks that I am more like him. Fact is, I like certain things he doesn't, but I try to hide it from him. Problem is, I believe that one day that my web of deceit in that case will bite me in the bum. I won't go into detail as to what exactly it is here. |
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Acacia
Crown of Thorns
Joined: Dec 13, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 1528
Location: Florida
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 8:47 am Post subject: |
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This one really hits home.
For as far back as I can remember, I've always tended to say what people want to hear.
I think that early on, I figured out that doing this was an immediate (albeit short-term) solution for social situations. As in, if I could just say whatever the other person wanted to hear, they would be more likely to respond to me in a positive way, and I could avoid the terrifying potential for criticism or mockery. The fact that this sort of behavior is at its heart, disingenuous, never occurred to me until later... when the other person would eventually see through me and be angry or upset at what I had done.
For me, this has definitely been a demonstration of AS. Even now, I fail to understand the conventions of socialization, then I panic, and fall back on pathetic coping mechanisms that I've learned, like telling people what they want to hear. I don't seem to "get" the appropriate way to speak and act in a majority of social situations. Also, I believe that AS causes me difficulties with learning from my mistakes, and getting things to "stick". So when I would do or say something wrong, I would be very likely to end up doing it again, as if it had never happened before.
This has resulted in alienation from people who could have been friends, and it has very quickly destroyed every single one of my relationships. It's gotten me into plenty of trouble, and created all sorts of trust issues with the people around me.
I suppose that I might have benefited from intensive social education when I was younger. Unfortunately, there didn't seem to be anyone telling me what was the right way to speak and act. Approaching age 30, and I think that I still need to be told how to interact with people...
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Plantae/Magnoliophyta/Magnoliopsida/Fabales/Fabaceae/Mimosoideae/Acacia |
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NowhereWoman
Blue Jay
Joined: Jul 02, 2009
Posts: 87
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 11:27 am Post subject: |
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Constantly. That's why social events are so draining for me. My husband is always saying, "Why don't you want to go to such-and-such? You always have so much to say and everybody loves you. You always say the right thing." Yes, because I've made a study of it since the early 1980s. I'm good at it. But it's not me...not by a long shot.
It's exhausting to try to "act normal" and "act social". It's also a little demoralizing after a while...feeling like a big phony. But I do it because how else will the rest of the world understand me? How could someone believe I like him or her if I'm not smiling but instead have a flat face on? How could a hostess know I like the food if I don't tell her? If I don't make the right compliment? That sort of thing.
And of course, I do it to get and maintain jobs, to communicate with my son's school appropriately (or what they see as appropriately)...etc.
But damn, it IS exhausting. |
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irishwhistle
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 01, 2006
Age: 37
Posts: 690
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 11:28 am Post subject: |
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Yes, I do that. I had wondered, though, if it was my ability to see multiple sides of a situation. It's odd, being able to do so, considering I can't figure out what the heck other people are thinking. Or at least, they always seem to get me wrong and it surprises me. But I will tend to find arguments in support of another person's viewpoint even if I've just said the opposite myself, provided their side has not been presented in an adversarial manner, and if it's someone whose favor I value.
That said, I have a heck of a time with the human race and avoid conversations because that scenario leaves me feeling like a liar, and because I find it hard to form a solid opinion of my own when I have so many others to contend with. This is regarded as not knowing your own mind, I believe, but I just can't draw a conclusion unless I have time alone to ponder the question. So in conversation, I tap-dance, mostly unwillingly. It's no wonder I want so much to get away.
Another oddity I have, and I wonder if it's related at all... But if I want to do something, something that requires company or help or that I just want company to do, well, if I know the other person isn't interested, I won't even ask. Now, that sounds logical except that I think there are situations where NTs would be willing to accommodate someone they care about if that person just asked, such as doing special things on holidays or spending time with the family. But I can't bear the idea that I should ask someone to do something they don't want and spend the whole time with someone who would rather be somewhere else. I expect it's because I've spent too much time feeling like the people around me wish I wasn't there, or having members of my family try to avoid spending time with me out doing things. Most of my family has.
And there's another theory... one that I think has merit. I am a youngest child, and I've wondered if this ingratiating and accommodating nonsense comes of spending years trying to get my parents and siblings, who had said, seen, and done it all before I came along, to want, just want to do some of it, whatever it is, just one more time with someone who hadn't. I mean, when your siblings leave and don't look back unless the money runs out, when your parents say to you when you're in your teens, "You don't really care if we do that, do you?" and you, deflated, say, "No, that's okay," well, there it is.
But I'm turning this into a rant about my family. Let's just say that I think my mom was relieved when we came across AS because now it didn't have to be her indifference during my formative years that made me this way. I say the jury's still out.
_________________
"Pack up my head, I'm goin' to Paris!" - P.W.
The world loves diversity... as long as it's pretty, makes them look smart and doesn't put them out in any way.
There's the road, and the road less traveled, and then there's MY road. |
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irishwhistle
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 01, 2006
Age: 37
Posts: 690
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 11:33 am Post subject: |
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| NowhereWoman wrote: | Constantly. That's why social events are so draining for me. My husband is always saying, "Why don't you want to go to such-and-such? You always have so much to say and everybody loves you. You always say the right thing." Yes, because I've made a study of it since the early 1980s. I'm good at it. But it's not me...not by a long shot.
It's exhausting to try to "act normal" and "act social". It's also a little demoralizing after a while...feeling like a big phony. But I do it because how else will the rest of the world understand me? How could someone believe I like him or her if I'm not smiling but instead have a flat face on? How could a hostess know I like the food if I don't tell her? If I don't make the right compliment? That sort of thing.
And of course, I do it to get and maintain jobs, to communicate with my son's school appropriately (or what they see as appropriately)...etc.
But damn, it IS exhausting. |
Well, you've got most of us beat. But I understand. I've had times in my life where people found me delightful, witty, etc. I wanted to hit them so hard. They took what they wanted from my personality and it just burned me to think of what meeting the real me would have done to them, and there they are, braying like jackasses at my delightful button-down mind. I finally withdrew. I couldn't take it anymore. Too many times of seeing merry laughter while tears were starting in my eyes, because I described things that hurt me in such a funny way, finally became too much.
_________________
"Pack up my head, I'm goin' to Paris!" - P.W.
The world loves diversity... as long as it's pretty, makes them look smart and doesn't put them out in any way.
There's the road, and the road less traveled, and then there's MY road. |
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NowhereWoman
Blue Jay
Joined: Jul 02, 2009
Posts: 87
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 11:43 am Post subject: |
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| irishwhistle wrote: | | I've had times in my life where people found me delightful, witty, etc. I wanted to hit them so hard. They took what they wanted from my personality and it just burned me to think of what meeting the real me would have done to them, and there they are, braying like jackasses at my delightful button-down mind. I finally withdrew. I couldn't take it anymore. Too many times of seeing merry laughter while tears were starting in my eyes, because I described things that hurt me in such a funny way, finally became too much. |
^^ OMG. This. Just...this. I'm crying, reading this. Yes, yes, indeed yes. Nail head, meet hammer. |
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