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confusedguy27
Emu Egg
Joined: Jul 04, 2009
Age: 27
Posts: 7
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 Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:47 pm Post subject: my unfulfilled love life |
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ok my story (vent rather) is long and it might be odd for some, but i'll try to cut it short
i have a lot to say- and i hope this makes sense. i'm afraid to have an intimate relationship with a person i'm close to. out of fear of rejection.
i'm 27 - never had a serious relationship with a girl - and everytime i had the chance to - never could open up to confess- or even make a move
girls i've become attracted to and became close to just became good friends - and i never make the first move to progress the relationship, no matter how much i want it, i can't bring myself to do it! i can go to clubs and find random girls who i don't find so attractive and just fool around with them.. but not want to continue the relationship, and that's ok.. the problem is with girls i find attractive and actually care for - out of extreme anxiety and fear of rejection.
MY MAIN PROBLEM IS THAT WHEN I BECOME TOO COMFORTABLE WITH A PERSON AND LACK "THE CHASE" , I GROW QUIET, AND APATHETIC, AND BECOME AN EXTREMELY BORING PERSON IN MY OPINION
AND THAT'S WHEN I SUBCONCIOUSLY PUSH PEOPLE AWAY. and then i have to start over. i have NO friends who are true confidants. and i barely know who I AM.
there's this one girl who claimed she sees me only as a friend - she's extremely attractive - exactly my type - and i've never tried to kiss her nor talk to her about our relationship. neither did i ever delve into her own relationships with other guys. for the last 6 months she would come over to my apt nearly everyday, and we'd just chill on the couch and just be comfortable with me and friends - most times alone. but i never tried to kiss or touch her - even when we go out my other friends who know her put the moves on her but i never did. out of respect.
she's an extremely sexual person, and very romantic, the kind i'm looking for, but we're so deep into the friendship that i won't make a move on her out of respect. i can think of at least 3 times when i missed out on a "perfect kiss moment" but didn't do it. and felt deep regret afterwards. she was so attached to me.. at times when she was hurt by other guys and insecure, i was there for her. she had complete trust in me, and i wouldn't be surprised if she wanted to be more than just friends.
i've had conversations with her when she got so annoyed by me and my behavior, she said "don't you ever get horny? why don't you have a girlfriend?" i wanted to tell her there and then that i wanted her but didn't. i'm a wuss aren't i?
she's not the first to say i'm completely different from all guys she's ever known. reasons she wouldn't date me are: i'm too apathetic, my body language shows signs of low self esteem, and she says that i'm not aware of it all. i'm highly aware of it, but cannot change who i am.
it's so easy to tell she cares a lot for me.
now that girl is just another obsession, i have to move on. when i fall for a girl and just become their best friend, i won't take to the next level no matter how much i can feel she wants it and i hate that. this happens because of bad past experiences. everytime i tell myself this time will be different. it never does. it's like i have a mental block.
just for clarification, i don't believe labelling ourselves with certain mental disorders helps a whole lot. i've self diagnosed myself with inattentive ADD, bipolar II disorder, asperger's syndrome. i can relate to the symptoms of all those.. but that's just a way of showing you all what kind of personality i have. been to a psychiatrist a few times, and sort of pushed the ADHD diagnosis on myself, convincing him that's what i have, after reading so much about it...then reading about the others, but never went back. tried medication for a while. couldn't stand the side effects.. felt it helped a bit, but believe that the relief i had was up to my own doing. another problem is, i already take medication for very slight epilepsy (haven't had a seizure in 9 years... and had maybe 6 my whole life) TEGRETOL (which, ironically is treatment for bipolar patients)... and my neurologist refused mixing treatments together.
thanks a lot for reading.. |
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salamander
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 26, 2008
Posts: 50
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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I hear you. My experiences are not the same, but certainly similar enough to know what you're talking about.
Especially the part about becoming apathetic. I'm not sure I really was apathetic, but I certainly have a tendency to get comfortable, and don't really need much more. I certainly didn't see all the needs my g/f had. She would get upset that we weren't doing more things, and probably that I wasn't showing enough affection. She didn't understand me any better than I her. Actually, I doubt she understood herself very well either, people just get used to striving for the norm (the one thing I can't and won't do).
Wish I had some answers. Only thing I keep thinking is that none of the women I know are right for me. Not helpful, since who would be? I have no idea. Even if I did, would she like me? Seems unlikely.
| Quote: | | it's like i have a mental block. |
^ Yeah, that. Exactly.
| Quote: | | and i barely know who I AM. |
This, I think, can be repaired over time. I'm a few years older than you, and hard as it was, I've discovered who I am far better than I used to understand, and it did bring me a lot of peace. I still have no clue how to approach a relationship, but I'm not nearly so anxious about it. By itself, that could help. But it definitely improved my quality of life. Keep searching, I'd advise. Understand your own needs and desires, and you may be able to sort things out in time. Just don't give up. |
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confusedguy27
Emu Egg
Joined: Jul 04, 2009
Age: 27
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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i'm a very honest and openminded person , just not very openmouthed. i do get hypomania periods when i'm flirty like hell.. but it fades off eventually when i settle down. i guess i lack follow through... while mostly dysthemic or mildy depressed.. just waiting for mrs. right would naturally take forever.
so my question is this = how do i explain my previous inexperience with new women i meet without scaring them off? that's probably the root of all my anxiety.
thanks salamander for your insight. |
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kenisu3000
Hummingbird
Joined: Nov 18, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 24
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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I'm quite painfully familiar with lifelong loneliness (in fact, I'm about to turn 27 myself), so I can relate.
About this girl you know... I know with Asperger's syndrome, it might be difficult to tell, but if she's actually gotten annoyed at you for not having a girlfriend, my analysis (Aspie to Aspie) is that she's truly concerned about your loneliness and wants you to be in a happy relationship, or in a best-case scenario, she's dropping you a hint.
Now, I'm not the type to be bold, either, but something has to be done. Unfortunately, it has to come from you. Is this girl currently - pardon the expression - "on the market"? This is something that can't be taken for granted. For my part, I've had soooo many girls in my life that I had a chance with, but was too chicken to take it... and now all of them are married. You just don't know what you've got until you've lost it.
What I'm saying is, try, in your own honest way, to tell her how you feel about her. Don't be too forceful, but don't be too apologetic either. Or, of course, in situations like these, actions do speak louder than words. Have you ever considered the possibility that she WANTS you to touch her? Not intimately, I mean, but just a friendly tap on the shoulder or whatever? Do you seriously think she'd get angry with you over that? Then, slowly, once that becomes comfortable between the two of you, you can try -gasp- tentatively holding her hand.
I know, easier said than done, especially for someone with a disorder that causes them to misinterpret signals and know when the time is right to say/do what needs to be said/done. I feel absolutely ridiculous, actually, giving advice like this when I have so much trouble following it myself. But think of it this way: what would you rather face, the risk of incurring momentary awkwardness, or years of regret to come, when you could have taken advantage of the moment?
As for fear of coming across as boring... I went on a date with a highly animated girl about two years ago, and it was just the two of us in a dorm-building basement playing Monopoly... she was really enthusiastic about everything, but for some reason, I came across as bored, and just plain boring. I couldn't act loose, I was just too self-conscious. The contrast was almost comical. However, only now that she's engaged have I thought about it (especially after seeing the guy she's going to marry) and realized I not only had a chance, but a thumping good one. If only I had taken advantage of the moment! |
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MDD123
Phoenix
Joined: May 07, 2009
Age: 26
Posts: 555
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:22 pm Post subject: |
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It sounded like she wanted to open up for some intimacy a few times, you have to realize that even though she's attractive she might feel unattractive when she gets turned down. I can't say it would've been any more than a one time thing, but you're aware that your fear and caution got the best of you and may have ruined an opportunity.
Hearing this gives me the motivation to change my habits to prove the other person wrong, I take offense when people decide a I'm not capable of doing something. I've put myself through a few risky situations just to prove a point.
I don't mean to get dramatic, but I feel myself dying a little on the inside when I read these stories, I really think you should try different approaches to life to work out your frustration (I'm assuming this frustrated you as well). I take my physical agression out on guys. I don't get the chance to do it often because I don't get many guys who want to fight me these days (I'm a gym rat) but the women from my past have fewer reasons to disrespect me because I found more respect for myself through building myself up and re-inventing myself (they call us little scientists).
I think she was worried about getting intimate with you out of fear of you getting attached (a reasonable fear I suppose), but you can understand more about it and her type. She sounds like a woman who can trust everyone on some level but has a hard time trusting them on deeper levels. I think she saw something in you that was so trustworthy that she felt a strong attraction towards you at different times (you have to realize that it's hard to have any control over when and where these feelings show up)
Your post indicates that you are a man who is capable of attracting women but unaware of how this capability works, and to your defense, I don't understand how mine works either, I can't see the look on my face when I'm out in public and I'm slowly learning how it's done. |
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Bataar
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 19, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 790
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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| At least you have that. Hell, I'm flippin' 30 and have never even had a female friend or even a female acquaintance I'd hang out with in a group. Zero, zip, zilch. |
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billsmithglendale
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 18, 2008
Posts: 637
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| Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 10:32 am Post subject: |
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We aspies are too risk averse.
Confused guy, you need to risk failing and ruining some friendships. You're rapidly becoming an observer in the game of life, when good chances (because women don't hang out with anyone they don't want to date or use, so she's either interested, or using you for emotional support without really reciprocating) fall into your lap, you're not making the most of them.
All of us need to leave room to fail, to f something up, without agonizing over it. We take too few chances, then despair over the ones we have available. We need to make our own chances, increase the number of chances with people and their odds, and stop being self-centered about our issues.
Doing something out of your comfort zone once in a while is a good thing and an opportunity to grow. Most of the people here are still young men -- please take the chance now, and not live a life of regrets and half-measures. |
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richardbenson
loves mexican food
Joined: Oct 31, 2006
Posts: 10597
Location: my apartment in sunnyside
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| Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 1:09 pm Post subject: |
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| yep, this is exactly whats gonna happen to me when i finealy do hook up. girls wanna act like your suprised to see them all the time and i can just see this being a major reason for a break up |
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SilverStar
Deinonychus
Joined: May 13, 2008
Age: 29
Posts: 388
Location: Ohio, USA
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| Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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| kenisu3000 wrote: | I'm quite painfully familiar with lifelong loneliness (in fact, I'm about to turn 27 myself), so I can relate.
I've had soooo many girls in my life that I had a chance with, but was too chicken to take it... and now all of them are married. You just don't know what you've got until you've lost it. |
I hear you there. I've had quite a few girls interested in me over the years myself, but I either pushed them away, or just plain chickened out. In one way, I probably blew a chance at something good, but in another way, I might have been doing them a favor. |
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