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drowbot0181
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 02, 2008
Age: 32
Posts: 700
Location: Broken Arrow, OK, USA
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 Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 1:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Alphabetania wrote: | | drowbot0181 wrote: | | I have tried to get her to come here. She won't. She hasn't read anything about Asperger's since I told her I had it. She just says I'm a jerk and that's all it is. |
OK, I agree with the others, she definitely needs counseling. People have different ways of dealing with a partner's diagnosis, and one of them is denial. She is possibly just too frightened by the prospect that her husband may really "have something" that she cannot face it. Some people actually go through a grieving process when they realise the person they thought they married is never going to be able to fulfill certain expectations. I think your wife isn't ready to go there yet, and she's afraid of going there. |
That is what, IMO, the problem sort of is. I get the impression that prior to me finding out I have A.S., she held onto this hope that I would eventually grow into a "normal" person. She is always comparing me to the husbands of her friends, pointing out skills they have that I don't. Commenting how great one of the 80-hour-a-week construction jobs are so much better than my job sitting a desk all day (making the same amount of money in half the time...), etc. And when she cheated on me in the past, it was always with people that were the antithesis of an Aspie. It was always a guy with a big entourage of friends and they all hung out with her. And this time she was saying how all the other husbands show up, and our social and that it makes her feel like she's single.
I understand her being hurt and upset about that, but it's not like I don't try. And the day before, I even tried to compromise by taking the family out to lunch at CiCi's Pizza. That was hard for me but it was something I felt I could manage and I did. But that didn't seem to matter to her.
I also pointed out that in the past, prior to finding out about A.S., she would always get upset at me if we went out together because I wouldn't have a good time and I would ruin it. The last time I tried to go to a bar with her (this was quite awihle back, several months, almost a year), she made a big fuss about it and said she didn't want me to come because I would just freak out and ruin her night. Her friend convinced her to go ahead and let me come. We went to a bar and I freaked out because we were at a table with people I didn't know, there were loud people everywhere, and finally some lady I never met just snuck up behind me and grabbed and shouted "Wake up!". I left at that point and she got mad. I reminded her of this incident and asked why I am wanted in one situation and not the other, and that they are equally stressful for me for the same reasons, and she just said that I was comparing two completely unrelated things and that I am just a jerk.
So... I dunno. I think she just doesn't like me, but I'm stable, and the types of guys she really likes and "has a connection" with, as she puts it, aren't very stable. |
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drowbot0181
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 02, 2008
Age: 32
Posts: 700
Location: Broken Arrow, OK, USA
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 1:58 pm Post subject: |
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| DITZY72 wrote: | | just a question... How long have you two been together??? How do you guys normally handle the holidays or family gatherings??? |
We've been together for about 5-6 years. And I normally just stay home, sometimes alone, sometimes with the baby (cuz she can be a pain). |
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DITZY72
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 08, 2009
Posts: 84
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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i know for me... that the whole point of being married or living with a man in a relationship is to have a companion and not a roommate that I have sex with. I do agree with others that counselor specializing in AS would be helpful. I think the bottom line is, she wants to share her life with you. Do you guys have any mutual interest... there had to be something that brought you two together and caused you to want to get married??? Maybe if you could find something that you guys share and do as a couple that will help. And I can tell you that her friends are probably putting pressure on her and making her come home and question things and she needs to decide she loves you and doesn't care what they think.
My heart goes out to you for sure. I just wish I could get my boyfriend to pick up the phone and call me....... |
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drowbot0181
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 02, 2008
Age: 32
Posts: 700
Location: Broken Arrow, OK, USA
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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| DITZY72 wrote: | i know for me... that the whole point of being married or living with a man in a relationship is to have a companion and not a roommate that I have sex with. I do agree with others that counselor specializing in AS would be helpful. I think the bottom line is, she wants to share her life with you. Do you guys have any mutual interest... there had to be something that brought you two together and caused you to want to get married??? Maybe if you could find something that you guys share and do as a couple that will help. And I can tell you that her friends are probably putting pressure on her and making her come home and question things and she needs to decide she loves you and doesn't care what they think.
My heart goes out to you for sure. I just wish I could get my boyfriend to pick up the phone and call me....... |
I know I'm not very good with phones, personally. Even if it is my wife I am talking to, I find it very stressful and difficult to talk on a phone. In the early stages of our relationship, my wife pretty much initiated every interaction we had. We were both living with our parents (her with just her mom) at the time, and our routine went something like this: She would pick me (I didn't have a car), we would do whatever she felt like doing for several days, she would drop me off at my house saying she needed a few days to herself. Once home, I would start getting back into my obsessions (computers mostly) and then, 99% of the time, she would call me within a few hours wanting to know if she could come pick me up again.
Even now, when I am alone in the house, I am completely oblivious to the outside world. I forget to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, etc. and am completely abosorbed in whatever I am obsessed with at the time.
My point is, just tell him that you want him to call you. Or call him, if it's the contact itself that you seek and not the act of him contacting you. You could even text him and ask him to call you, as silly as that sounds. |
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DITZY72
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 08, 2009
Posts: 84
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 4:47 pm Post subject: |
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I have told him a couple of times... he seems to pick up the pace for a week or so and then here we go again. It's exhausting... I need to know that he wants me too... so I need him to make some of the contact himself.... to let me know he wants to see and make those plans etc. I'm running out of creative ways to bring it up... so that I'm not attacking him or being negative or making him seem like a failure.
so do you guys have mutual interest.. or hobbies or things you can do together... do you ever leave the baby with a sitter and have date night just you two??? |
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drowbot0181
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 02, 2008
Age: 32
Posts: 700
Location: Broken Arrow, OK, USA
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 5:02 pm Post subject: |
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| DITZY72 wrote: | I have told him a couple of times... he seems to pick up the pace for a week or so and then here we go again. It's exhausting... I need to know that he wants me too... so I need him to make some of the contact himself.... to let me know he wants to see and make those plans etc. I'm running out of creative ways to bring it up... so that I'm not attacking him or being negative or making him seem like a failure.
so do you guys have mutual interest.. or hobbies or things you can do together... do you ever leave the baby with a sitter and have date night just you two??? |
Have you tried not being creative in telling him? It's usually best to be as blunt and unambiguous as possible with us. Try giving him a concrete schedule for calling you. Tell him to call you a certain number of times per week, or during a certain time frame...give him an actual quota, basically. Deciding when to call a person tends to get Aspies stuck in a loop, trying to decide the perfect time to call, what to say, etc.
It is exceedingly rare that we are rid of all three of our kids, so no, we never have a "date night" with just the two of us. And if we did, I don't know where we would go. The only thing I like to do outside the house is go to the movies, and she hates that.
Other than certain TV shows that we both like and watching the occasional movie at home, we don't do anything together. She seems to automatically resent anything that I like and puts me down for liking it most of the time. I know there are a lot of things that I like which she says are "stupid". But I know for a fact that sometimes she says they are stupid just because I like them. I know this because I had, for example, described a movie I have heard about to her, only have her say "that sounds stupid" and then later (forgetting I even told her about it in the first place) tell me that one of her friends told her about the same movie and how it sounds good and I should get it for her.
Sorry for the ranting nature of my responses. I'm very stressed out right now and I am having a lot of difficulting focusing. |
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DITZY72
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 08, 2009
Posts: 84
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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you are just fine... vent away.... that is exactly how I work thru my stress and hurt. I vent and talk about it until I've talked it through.
Have you ever asked her what it is you could do to make her happy.... outside of going with her to show off for her friends??? Have you looked into any type of social anxiety drug... would that even help??? I don't know.... just drawing straws
The reason I say creative ways is... .the first time I told him how I felt about his lack of initiating contact... he felt attacked and run down.... he told me later that in the future to get positive results out of him to present my needs in a positivie way... like i really like when... it makes me feel good when... instead of you never do this or that... but I'm running out of good times to say I like this or I this makes me happy.... without just look this sucks and i don't understand why you never want to talk to me or make plans with me... blah blah... and saying you need to call on these days and these times... I don't know if I can do that... wow that seems I don't know to demanding or something..... I've told him even if he doesnt have time to talk a simple good morning or good night text is fine atleast i know he thought of me... once again he was good about it for awhile and right now i havent heard from him in 4 days. |
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sharlyn
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Feb 11, 2009
Posts: 25
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| Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Understanding AS definitely helped me with my aspie man. However, I knew before I got into this and I've accepted it. I have also put up with more from him than most NT women would just to keep the peace and I'm sure your wife has done the same. And sometimes we do things we may not like just to please the one we love. I'm sure it would make her very happy if you tried to do the same for her sometime. If it doesn't work, then she may actually start preferring to do things without you. I don't mind doing things alone but I do wish we could do more together. |
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drowbot0181
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 02, 2008
Age: 32
Posts: 700
Location: Broken Arrow, OK, USA
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| Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 9:24 am Post subject: |
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| sharlyn wrote: | | Understanding AS definitely helped me with my aspie man. However, I knew before I got into this and I've accepted it. I have also put up with more from him than most NT women would just to keep the peace and I'm sure your wife has done the same. And sometimes we do things we may not like just to please the one we love. I'm sure it would make her very happy if you tried to do the same for her sometime. If it doesn't work, then she may actually start preferring to do things without you. I don't mind doing things alone but I do wish we could do more together. |
I do try (see previous posts). And she hasn't done the same (again, see previous posts). She doesn't even acknowledge my A.S. and claims I am "just an as*hole/jerk". And she is fine parading me around at family functions, but in a situation with other people, i.e. a bar, she doesn't want me around. She has made it quite clear that she would rather I be somebody else...somebody normal. |
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DITZY72
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 08, 2009
Posts: 84
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| Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:18 am Post subject: |
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| Out of curiousity .... how did it turn out.... are you guys still fighting? |
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drowbot0181
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 02, 2008
Age: 32
Posts: 700
Location: Broken Arrow, OK, USA
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| Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:22 am Post subject: |
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| DITZY72 wrote: | | Out of curiousity .... how did it turn out.... are you guys still fighting? |
No, we've actually gone a couple of days without fighting. She has been nicer to me than usual, I think. I don't know if this a genuine effort on her part or if we are just going through our normal up/down cycle, though.
How are things with you? |
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activebutodd
Phoenix
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Joined: May 30, 2009
Posts: 827
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| Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:39 am Post subject: |
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I'm sorry Drowbot.  All you can really do is what you can manage, and not try and do things you can't because someone has unrealistic expectations of you. Saying you're just being an as*hole isn't fair. Maybe she was upset when she said it and didn't mean it.
But counselling and her learning about AS is probably a good idea. Good luck. |
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Yameretzu
Sea Gull
Joined: Jul 07, 2005
Posts: 248
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 11:13 am Post subject: |
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I don't think this is acceptable at all. I live the other way round. My partner is an NT (male) and I am a female aspie. He would never force me to do anything I didnt want to and will hold me when Im upset. When I am not in the mood for physical contact he will back of straight away. I mean our relationships by no means perfect and we have massive rows but the way you describe your life is awful. She CHEATS on you and you act as if its NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE, its NOT! She seems like a really ignorant, selfish person and to be honest if I was going out with her I might be looking elsewhere.
You need to be love and how much more of this can you honestly take. Life is stressful enough for an aspie without the ones who are supposed to love you also making it worse. |
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DITZY72
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 08, 2009
Posts: 84
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| Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:49 pm Post subject: |
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How are things with you?[/quote]
BAD!!! I haven't heard from in a week and now I've tried to call, text and email... he's not answering or responding.... So now I'm just lost.... do I keep trying to contact him or give up... I've wracked my mind the last few times we've talked and been together he's given me no reason to think or feel like he wouldn't want to talk to me or be with me... in fact or last conversation he said he couldn't wait to see me again... yet he won't answer to phone or email... I mean other then camping on his front porch which I think might be a little insane and scarey I don't know what else to do. I really wonder if he is into me or not... don't know. he says he is... but being ingored makes me feel otherwise.
I'm glad things are better for you....!!! |
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Butterflair
Deinonychus
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Joined: Jul 06, 2008
Posts: 381
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| Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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| DITZY72 wrote: |
BAD!!! I haven't heard from in a week and now I've tried to call, text and email... he's not answering or responding.... So now I'm just lost.... do I keep trying to contact him or give up... I've wracked my mind the last few times we've talked and been together he's given me no reason to think or feel like he wouldn't want to talk to me or be with me... in fact or last conversation he said he couldn't wait to see me again... yet he won't answer to phone or email... I mean other then camping on his front porch which I think might be a little insane and scarey I don't know what else to do. I really wonder if he is into me or not... don't know. he says he is... but being ingored makes me feel otherwise. |
Wow, this could have been written by me. I haven't heard from my Aspie friend for 5 weeks now. We have an online relationship/friendship. I think mine is in a shut down but I'm not sure. The advice I get is to wait it out and let him come back on his own but it's taking so long and I it's driving me insane to be ignored, intentional or not.
@drowbot
Wow, your wife is a b***h. Sorry but that's pretty plain and obvious. She cheats on you and gives you a hard time. She's walking all over you. I know you love her and you have 3 kids but something needs to change in your house. Don't be surprised if she's looking for someone else while still with you. You might want to stand up to her and tell her that things need to change and she needs to try to understand you. If you can't do it, find an advocate or therapist who can. You sound like a kind man and you don't deserve this.
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No matter what your age, you don't need to change the world to find love, sometimes all that has to change is you. Be open to the possibilities. |
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