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fiddlerpianist
Unclassified and loving it!
Joined: May 01, 2009
Age: 32
Posts: 1638
Location: The Autistic Hinterlands
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 Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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Nice thread, Greentea. Now if I only knew if I were answering for the NT side or the AS side...
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"That leap of logic should have broken his legs." - Janissy |
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Janissy
Phoenix
Joined: May 06, 2009
Age: 43
Posts: 1462
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 8:27 pm Post subject: |
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| marshall wrote: | I have some questions for an NT to answer.
In social situations such as parties do you ever get a feeling of connectedness or emotional reward while talking to someone even if the topic doesn't interest you very much? Does it ever feel good to talk to someone just because you like them regardless of the topic?
Can you estimate what percentage of the time you actually enjoy the topics as well as the people and what percentage of the time feel like you have to "fake" interest in a topic just to be friendly?
When the topic being discussed isn't particularly interesting to you (I'm not saying you're necessarily bored out of your mind, just a fairly neutral level of interest) do you ever feel like your mind slows down? Is it more difficult to quickly come up with socially appropriate things to say in this situation? Is this strictly an AS trait or do NT's experience this as well, only to a lesser degree?
Are you ever both bored and feeling down during social occasions? When you're feeling down is it more difficult to take interest in someone else's topic of conversation? If you're forced to "fake it" what kind of strategy do you use to gather the energy to participate? |
If I'm in a positive upbeat mood, the mere feeling of connectedness can get me interested in the topic. My feeling of connectedness precedes my interest. I've found out about all sorts of things I never knew could interest me from bass fishing to house flipping. The connectedness leads to interest in the topic.
But sometimes I have to fake it too. Sometimes I have a problem of my own that has me feeling so down that I just can't connect. I'm worried and distracted and can't get "into" a team's latest win (or whatever it is). The strategy I use to muster the energy to fake it is to concentrate on the person, not what they are saying. Sometimes I'm so distracted with worry or upset that I just CAN'T come up with the socially appropriate thing to say. Then I apologize and explain that I'm just distracted right now. It was a tough day at work or at home or whatever. |
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marshall
Under the whirlwind
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 2908
Location: North West United States
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Janissy wrote: | | marshall wrote: | I have some questions for an NT to answer.
In social situations such as parties do you ever get a feeling of connectedness or emotional reward while talking to someone even if the topic doesn't interest you very much? Does it ever feel good to talk to someone just because you like them regardless of the topic?
Can you estimate what percentage of the time you actually enjoy the topics as well as the people and what percentage of the time feel like you have to "fake" interest in a topic just to be friendly?
When the topic being discussed isn't particularly interesting to you (I'm not saying you're necessarily bored out of your mind, just a fairly neutral level of interest) do you ever feel like your mind slows down? Is it more difficult to quickly come up with socially appropriate things to say in this situation? Is this strictly an AS trait or do NT's experience this as well, only to a lesser degree?
Are you ever both bored and feeling down during social occasions? When you're feeling down is it more difficult to take interest in someone else's topic of conversation? If you're forced to "fake it" what kind of strategy do you use to gather the energy to participate? |
If I'm in a positive upbeat mood, the mere feeling of connectedness can get me interested in the topic. My feeling of connectedness precedes my interest. I've found out about all sorts of things I never knew could interest me from bass fishing to house flipping. The connectedness leads to interest in the topic. |
What causes the feeling of connectedness in the first place? Do you feel connectedness even when the person you're talking to is someone you've just meet?
I'm asking this mainly because if I go and meet a random person off the street I usually feel like there is no connection. I don't ever feel a connection until a topic comes up that shows that we have something in common. I can't talk at all to people who have completely different interests from me.
| Quote: | | But sometimes I have to fake it too. Sometimes I have a problem of my own that has me feeling so down that I just can't connect. I'm worried and distracted and can't get "into" a team's latest win (or whatever it is). The strategy I use to muster the energy to fake it is to concentrate on the person, not what they are saying. Sometimes I'm so distracted with worry or upset that I just CAN'T come up with the socially appropriate thing to say. Then I apologize and explain that I'm just distracted right now. It was a tough day at work or at home or whatever. |
I have this problem most of the time lately, only it's my own boredom and sense of isolation that distracts me. Often all I can think of is "I want to get out of here and do something better with my time". It seems to be a combination of autistic traits and my chronic depression. The symptoms seem to multiply each other in terms of making socializing difficult.
Anyways, thank you for you're response.  Very helpful for me. |
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Butterflair
Deinonychus
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Joined: Jul 06, 2008
Posts: 367
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 10:29 pm Post subject: |
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I don't particularly want to talk to someone random off the street but if I meet someone that I find interesting then I like listening to what they have to say and sometimes learn something new.
I can be bored by people that I like also. I like them but I don't really want to hear them talk all the time, like my mother. 
I think it's the same for almost anyone, it's hard to "fake it" when your really not interested. When I do it then the talk becomes "blah blah blah". I tend to stick to generalities and keep things on the light side so it doesn't become boring. Hope that made sense.
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No matter what your age, you don't need to change the world to find love, sometimes all that has to change is you. Be open to the possibilities. |
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Callista
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 04, 2006
Age: 27
Posts: 4564
Location: Central USA
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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To the NTs, and I suppose the non-asexuals:
When you're in a relationship, and you're worried about something the other person might be thinking or feeling, why is it so hard to ask them?
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Engineering student. Gamer. Christian. Asexual. Information Addict. Deal with it!
Reports from a Resident Alien:
http://chaoticidealism.livejournal.com |
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jennyishere
She's STILL here.....
Joined: Jan 10, 2009
Age: 48
Posts: 2807
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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| I suppose it's hard to ask about the other person's feelings for several reasons. If the relationship is important to you, you may be anxious about the answer that you will receive- it may suggest that the other person is having doubts about the relationship continuing. Also, asking questions of this kind may give the impression that you are feeling insecure about the relationship, and you may fear seeming too clingy or needy. Or you may fear that asking a question like this will open up a discussion about other painful issues in the relationship and lead to arguments or tension. A lot depends on the type of relationship you have- I've been happily married for a long time, so I just ask my husband questions without worrying too much.- I usually know what the answer is going to be, anyway. I hope this is helpful. Jenny |
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Butterflair
Deinonychus
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Joined: Jul 06, 2008
Posts: 367
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| Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Callista wrote: | To the NTs, and I suppose the non-asexuals:
When you're in a relationship, and you're worried about something the other person might be thinking or feeling, why is it so hard to ask them? |
Afraid of the answer being negative, afraid you might annoy them. Sometimes our imaginations can run wild while it would be much simpler to just ask.
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No matter what your age, you don't need to change the world to find love, sometimes all that has to change is you. Be open to the possibilities. |
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Greentea
Goddess of Wisdom
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 5678
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:27 am Post subject: |
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WOW, I love the straight to the point, totally honest answers!
Janissy, thank you very much for your answers. No wonder I'm so isolated from the world - if there's any similarity between what NTs are like and what I am like, it's purely coincidential. 
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So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur. |
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Janissy
Phoenix
Joined: May 06, 2009
Age: 43
Posts: 1462
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| Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 6:33 am Post subject: |
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| marshall wrote: | | Janissy wrote: | | marshall wrote: | I have some questions for an NT to answer.
In social situations such as parties do you ever get a feeling of connectedness or emotional reward while talking to someone even if the topic doesn't interest you very much? Does it ever feel good to talk to someone just because you like them regardless of the topic?
Can you estimate what percentage of the time you actually enjoy the topics as well as the people and what percentage of the time feel like you have to "fake" interest in a topic just to be friendly?
When the topic being discussed isn't particularly interesting to you (I'm not saying you're necessarily bored out of your mind, just a fairly neutral level of interest) do you ever feel like your mind slows down? Is it more difficult to quickly come up with socially appropriate things to say in this situation? Is this strictly an AS trait or do NT's experience this as well, only to a lesser degree?
Are you ever both bored and feeling down during social occasions? When you're feeling down is it more difficult to take interest in someone else's topic of conversation? If you're forced to "fake it" what kind of strategy do you use to gather the energy to participate? |
If I'm in a positive upbeat mood, the mere feeling of connectedness can get me interested in the topic. My feeling of connectedness precedes my interest. I've found out about all sorts of things I never knew could interest me from bass fishing to house flipping. The connectedness leads to interest in the topic. |
What causes the feeling of connectedness in the first place? Do you feel connectedness even when the person you're talking to is someone you've just meet?
I'm asking this mainly because if I go and meet a random person off the street I usually feel like there is no connection. I don't ever feel a connection until a topic comes up that shows that we have something in common. I can't talk at all to people who have completely different interests from me.
| Quote: | | But sometimes I have to fake it too. Sometimes I have a problem of my own that has me feeling so down that I just can't connect. I'm worried and distracted and can't get "into" a team's latest win (or whatever it is). The strategy I use to muster the energy to fake it is to concentrate on the person, not what they are saying. Sometimes I'm so distracted with worry or upset that I just CAN'T come up with the socially appropriate thing to say. Then I apologize and explain that I'm just distracted right now. It was a tough day at work or at home or whatever. |
I have this problem most of the time lately, only it's my own boredom and sense of isolation that distracts me. Often all I can think of is "I want to get out of here and do something better with my time". It seems to be a combination of autistic traits and my chronic depression. The symptoms seem to multiply each other in terms of making socializing difficult.
Anyways, thank you for you're response. Very helpful for me. |
What causes the feeling of connectedness in the first place? That we're all just people. That's going to sound all foofy and kumbayah on this board but it really is how it feels to me. Of course the feeling gets suspended if my alerts go off and I feel the person could be a threat to me. And some people are giving off what feels like "leave me ALONE!!!" vibes and so I do. But in general, it really is a we're-all-just-humans-here connection. This is just the extrovert personality type. It isn't shared by a lot of NT people. |
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fiddlerpianist
Unclassified and loving it!
Joined: May 01, 2009
Age: 32
Posts: 1638
Location: The Autistic Hinterlands
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| Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:24 am Post subject: |
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| marshall wrote: | What causes the feeling of connectedness in the first place? Do you feel connectedness even when the person you're talking to is someone you've just meet?
I'm asking this mainly because if I go and meet a random person off the street I usually feel like there is no connection. I don't ever feel a connection until a topic comes up that shows that we have something in common. I can't talk at all to people who have completely different interests from me. |
Marshall, I'm much like you in this respect, except that I can usually fudge my way through conversations where I perceive that I have nothing in common with the person. I just don't enjoy talking to a "random person off the street" unless there is a bit more than coincidental context to the person. For instance, if the person has shown up to do a particular activity of mine that I really enjoy, I am usually very outwardly friendly. I use the activity as sort of a filter where only interesting people can get through.
_________________
"That leap of logic should have broken his legs." - Janissy |
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jennyishere
She's STILL here.....
Joined: Jan 10, 2009
Age: 48
Posts: 2807
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 9:15 am Post subject: |
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| Like Janissy, I also feel that "we're-all-just-humans-here" sense of connectedness with most people, unless, as Janissy says, they seem threatening or overtly unwelcoming. I actually quite enjoy talking with "random people" I've just met and getting glimpses into their lives- that's pretty much what we all do on a forum like this, after all. It's probably fortunate that I DO enjoy it- as a teacher in a large school, I interact and chat with dozens of people every day- students, colleagues, parents, etc. I don't think it's purely an extrovert trait, though, as I'm definitely an introvert. One type of social interaction that I DON'T enjoy is standing around at a social function with people I know, making superficial smalltalk- I can DO it, but I find it dull and uncomfortable and I avoid it when I can. It's the artificiality of the situation that bothers me, not the people themselves. Jenny |
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marshall
Under the whirlwind
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 2908
Location: North West United States
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| Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:30 pm Post subject: |
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| jennyishere wrote: | | Like Janissy, I also feel that "we're-all-just-humans-here" sense of connectedness with most people, unless, as Janissy says, they seem threatening or overtly unwelcoming. I actually quite enjoy talking with "random people" I've just met and getting glimpses into their lives- that's pretty much what we all do on a forum like this, after all. It's probably fortunate that I DO enjoy it- as a teacher in a large school, I interact and chat with dozens of people every day- students, colleagues, parents, etc. I don't think it's purely an extrovert trait, though, as I'm definitely an introvert. One type of social interaction that I DON'T enjoy is standing around at a social function with people I know, making superficial smalltalk- I can DO it, but I find it dull and uncomfortable and I avoid it when I can. It's the artificiality of the situation that bothers me, not the people themselves. Jenny |
My mother is also like this. She can talk to almost anyone. She's was also a social worker at a school before she retired.
I deeply envy this ability to find enjoyment in talking to anyone. I don't feel any connection to people just because they're human. Maybe this is wrong but often I just look at someone and intuitively judge that I have nothing in common or that they will be unintelligent and boring to talk to.  |
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natesmom
Phoenix
Joined: May 16, 2008
Posts: 698
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| Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 1:40 pm Post subject: |
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This is a wonderful idea!! Can we have a separate forum for that? Something like the NT/AS exchange??
I must say Janissy, you are doing a WONDERFUL job at explaining things. WOW
There is no way I could be half as clear as you. |
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Greentea
Goddess of Wisdom
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 5678
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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I so wish we could, natesmom! But last time I asked Alex for a separate forum for a highly justified and supported cause, he refused. It was a forum for older people who live with the unique challenge that we discovered the existence of Asperger's when it was too late for anything anymore after a lifetime of self-blame and shame. Recently-diagnosed older Aspies have their unique topics that are neither relevant nor positive for younger ones to hear about. Things the younger would be better off not knowing about. So we "Aspie oldies" need to shut up a lot on the forums, and that's very painful to us when we've at last found others in our same situation.
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So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur. |
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natesmom
Phoenix
Joined: May 16, 2008
Posts: 698
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| Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Callista wrote: | To the NTs, and I suppose the non-asexuals:
When you're in a relationship, and you're worried about something the other person might be thinking or feeling, why is it so hard to ask them? |
I don't have a problem being direct and just asking but I don't think I am a typical NT person (ADHD, nonverbal difficulties, sensory). At the same time, it has a lot to do with my personality. No offense midwestern people, but I lived in the midwest for a year and really couldn't stand it. Most people there seem really indirect.
I had difficulties in a work relationship and directly asked this one person if I was doing something that bothered her. She said, "Oh no, everything is going well." Three days later my boss told me otherwise. I told her what this coworker had told me. My boss said, "That's interesting, she told me something very different." She then said that most people seem to have difficulties with direct confrontation and direct honesty.
Living on the east coast in Maryland and WA DC, a different picture emerged. People really tell you what they think. I do believe some of it has to do with personality and culture and not just an NT thing. Perhaps I am wrong
If it's an actual close relationship, I am still pretty direct. The interesting thing is that my AS husband is not direct with me. That could be due to his upbringing. his mom is from the midwest and he has been raised not to be direct in anything. Again, I don't know if this is related or not.
I am so direct that I don't know if I am being rude or not. I honestly wonder if I have symptoms of AS as well. I think it could be an ADHD thing
Last edited by natesmom on Tue Jul 07, 2009 2:03 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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