NauticalCa
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Mar 20, 2009
Posts: 48
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 Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 4:15 pm Post subject: Being Affectionate as an Aspie |
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As Aspies, we're enigmas in a lot of ways. And in all honesty, one of the most confusing aspects of being AS has to do with our very polarized approach to showing affection towards our partners.
On one hand, some of us don't like to be touched in certain ways. We don't always see logical reasons why we touch. Or we've been so lacking for affection over the years because no one would touch us or show real affection to us, we'd grow used to the idea of being solitary and non-tactile. A lot of us are very steadfast in this approach.
On the other hand, there's a lot of Aspies out there who long to touch and be touched. We long to hug, kiss, curl up and hold someone. Or we just want to feel something.
How do you deal with this polarity? What's important to you, as an Aspie, in terms of being affectionate to someone or your partner? How do you deal with your physical expressions of attachment (or not)?
For me, I deal with this polarity everyday. Sometimes I love being hugged, other times not. I know that my NT girlfriend struggles with this problem of mine, because she's very, very physical and it's too much for me sometimes. Thoughts? |
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Silvervarg
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 26, 2009
Posts: 773
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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A pet. It can be cuddled in any way and send away when you don't feel like it. Simple. 
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Gigglesqueak
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Age: 25
Posts: 37
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| Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 6:18 pm Post subject: |
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Please tell your girlfriend that she is not alone. I understand and I go through the same thing with my guy. It can be very frustrating at times and make us feel as if you do not find us to be attractive or love us, which is why using your words in those moments can be the most important.
Typically my boyfriend and I have a system. I will touch him and if he doesn't want to be touched, he will grab my hand, kiss it, and gently remove it from his body. In the beginning, this was very hard to deal with and made me feel like I was unattractive or he did not care for me as deeply as I did for him. Over time though, I realize that nobody deserves physical touch that they do not want and even if I don't understand it, it's okay.
I have few complaints now though as he has become used to cuddling and being physical with me. More often than not, he's asking for back rubs and kisses. Most of our issues deal more with intercourse than less sexual endeavors, as his libido is significantly smaller than my own. But we've worked through it by talking a lot and accepting that some things are just the way they are. |
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j5689
Toucan
Joined: Dec 23, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 294
Location: Bowie, Maryland, U.S.
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| Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 10:08 pm Post subject: |
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I don't mind being touched at all if it's a girl. I've never held a girl before just to cuddle and I really want to.
I was talking to the girl I like yesterday and it was going really well and sometimes I just really wanted to reach out and hold her hand. |
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TheCaityCat
Raven
Joined: Dec 10, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 100
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| Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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I detest being touched for the most part. My family members usually ask if it's okay to hug me and, for the most part, respect it when I say I'd rather not be touched. So do my friends.
With a very select few people, though, I crave affection. It's almost like I can't ever get enough. My NT boyfriend and I had a talk early on in our relationship about touching and affection and how I deal with it. He doesn't surprise me by coming from behind to hug me and when he reaches for me, he makes sure I can see his hands coming toward me. He's also wonderful at giving me tight hugs and holding me close (the pressure and physical closeness are soothing to me). Even so, there are still times when I really don't want to be touched at all. The key here is communication and the willingness of the NT partner to understand that not wanting to be touched does not necessarily reflect on the state of the relationship. My boyfriend knows that if I'm very quiet and wish to sit on the opposite end of the couch, it probably has nothing to do with him or how I feel about him. |
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Yameretzu
Sea Gull
Joined: Jul 07, 2005
Posts: 248
Location: UK
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| Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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I find they need a lot of patience. Most of the time I want attention from him and I love attention from him but then there's times I just need to be left alone and he understands that and will go on his pc or go to sleep if were in bed. They just need to understand no means no...
(by the way I'm talking about my fiance) |
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Tim_Tex
Professor Hineybottom
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 41865
Location: Houston, Texas
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| Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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I like to be cuddled and touched.
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Rhapsody
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 04, 2009
Posts: 152
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| Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 11:58 pm Post subject: |
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| I don’t like to be touched at all. Actually, the prospect of being in a relationship where I’m supposed to let someone touch me and touch them back is absolutely terrifying. That’s why I stay out of any relationships like that because it wouldn’t be fair to him or to me. I can’t help but be a little curious though at times. |
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Shebakoby
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 06, 2009
Age: 40
Posts: 1565
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| Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:18 am Post subject: |
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| you guys that don't like being touched...is it actually physically painful to be touched? |
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Rhapsody
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 04, 2009
Posts: 152
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| Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:30 am Post subject: |
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| Shebakoby wrote: | | you guys that don't like being touched...is it actually physically painful to be touched? |
For me it doesn't like burn or sting or anything, but whenever anything touches me I'll tense up and move away from it like it hurts. I just really, really, really don't like it, and I don't really know why. |
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jawbrodt
(yes, I'm being sarcastic) heh
Joined: Jan 27, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 10616
Location: Eastern USA
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| Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:31 am Post subject: |
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| Shebakoby wrote: | | you guys that don't like being touched...is it actually physically painful to be touched? |
It's not painful for me, physically, but it is very uncomfortable, psychologically. Like the OP mentioned....I don't see the logic in it. Then again, I'm a 'newbie' in this dept, so I can't say that i will never grow fond of it. It's hard to imagine right now, but then again alot of things are. I like to let things happen naturally, rather than planning. It's too stressful that way. Maybe I'm talking out my ass, not sure?  I try not to think about that, either. Things will happen the way they were meant to happen.(that helps me to not give a sh** )
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barbedlotus
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jul 21, 2009
Age: 26
Posts: 185
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| Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 3:01 am Post subject: |
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| Personally I hate most physical touch. It just makes my skin crawl. Hugs and general cuddling I can handle, but past that ew. Most of it I put up with because I know it means a lot to the other person. |
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Seanmw
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 26, 2009
Age: 22
Posts: 3639
Location: Bremerton, WA
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| Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:02 am Post subject: |
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my approach is somewhat polarized, perhaps. but i try to take it at a bit more of a slant. drown them in good feelings and they tend to either get creeped out, or take for granted.
so i actively try to slightly un-polarize my approach and behavior. mix it up a little. but just a little. too much and you might come off as bi-polar.
just enough so i'm not going to get walked all over. hard to explain really. and it's not something that's natural to me, never will be. but maybe you get what i've been trying to say in more or less words, eh? anyways, it's a balancing act, it's taxing to maintain sometimes, but it's rewarding as well and very possible
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MountZion
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 13, 2009
Age: 24
Posts: 397
Location: London
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| Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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| My skin is very sensitive to touch, whenever I am touched, it is soft and really tickly (sometimes itchy). It can be aggravating sometimes, but I kinda like it sometimes . |
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Dilbert
Will work for love
Joined: Mar 30, 2009
Age: 39
Posts: 1728
Location: 47°36'N 122°20'W
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| Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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I used to HATE being touched or poked, and I was very akward when someone hugged me. I'd kind of keep my distance and not hug back.
All that had disappeared around age 30. I love being touched and I love to hug my female friends. (Hugging guys is creepy when you are straight. ) |
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