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SINsister
the towering inferno
Joined: May 26, 2005
Posts: 1304
Location: six feet over
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 Posted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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| LivingOutsideTheBox wrote: | | Just don't be shy. |
As though it's a choice...  
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.all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. |
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Mattsmum
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 31, 2008
Posts: 26
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| Posted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 5:15 am Post subject: |
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| Nice guys should never change who they are. They will find the right person, it may just take a little time. I think its the same for girls too - when you are younger you go for the opposite - nice girls tend to go for bad boys, nice guys tend to go for nasty women. As you get older you look for a deep connection (not just physical) I always used to go for the good-looking guys but often got hurt - there was always another pretty girl to catch their eye. However, when I met my husband I was attracted to the whole package - his personality, his political and moral values, his laid back nature, his kindness, his sexy charm. And he is short and bald not tall, dark and handsome, lol! When you meet the right person, you meet the right person. Good guys always win in the end, in my opinion. |
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Maddkow
Blue Jay
Joined: Sep 24, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 91
Location: Orlando, FL
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| Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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The fact that only a few girls have like me because of me being the the nice guy/gentleman, is now leading me to believe that those few females around my age (18-23) that DO like the nice guys/gentleman are very mature, while the rest who only want the bad boys are just immature little brats. Even though I'm the "nice guy" type around a bunch of immature freshman (lol), mentioning being a Senior somehow sparks their interest lol (probably because that's considered "status", right?)
Just to not sound sexist/misogynistic, I can say vice versa about my own gender and going after the real trampy/slutty dressed females. (I've never liked that slutty type either)
My friend has advised me to look for "women", and not "girls", that is, females who are not into head games and want to be mature instead of skanks who get drunk at frat parties every weekend.... he mentioned I should look for women whom are like 24-29 range.... Then again, I'm only still in school, with no job, so how could I put myself at high value with a woman who's already out of school and has just began to work?
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Every morning, blow up a really big balloon. Then, with ear plugs over your ears, slowly let all the air out of the balloon, letting it make that high-pitched sound. Tell your neighbors its a science experiment if they complain. |
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PlatedDrake
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 26, 2009
Age: 29
Posts: 816
Location: Piedmont Region, NC, USA
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| Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 12:12 pm Post subject: |
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| Being a guy in the 25-29 range, finding the right woman isnt any easier. Its especially hard since i lack a decent job and an overall direction in life. I just want someone in my life to prove that there is a reason to wake up each morning . . . and its possible the lack of something meaningful with another person (outside the family) could be hindering my thoughts and focus. Gah, getting depressed because of this topic again . . . |
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OneLuke
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 06, 2009
Age: 17
Posts: 25
Location: Melbourne, Australia.
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| Posted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 8:34 am Post subject: |
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| anandamide wrote: | | Women aren't generally "allowed" to admit that they feel lust but once I had that figured out then those "jerk" guys had a lot less power over me. If you want to help change women's attitudes among the women you meet then make it okay for a woman to admit when she feels lust in your communication with her and let her know it is okay to feel that way because if she can identify lust for what it is then she can deal more effectively with that emotion. |
I am keen to understand more about this alleged problem that females find themselves in. Are you able to elaborate on this 'inability to admit lust in a socially acceptable manner' dilemna? |
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Alone-in-the-Crowd
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Feb 21, 2009
Age: 47
Posts: 25
Location: Idaho
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| Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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I am a "Nice gal" Asperger. I am recently divorced and now dating an undiagnosed Asperger guy he is 42. He is obsessed with women and we can't watch a movie or TV without his comments on how "hot" this or that actress is. This kind of behavior isn't just reserved for celebrities, I also have to listen to him name all the women he has slept with in the last 20 years, then he even tells me of the ones he would "do" if he could!
It is disturbing at times because some of these "women" have turned out to be 20 years or more younger than he is, and most were married.
He has a fixation on having sex with married women. He also is into looking at porn on my computer all hours of the night while I am asleep.
He justifies this by telling me, " I love all women, but I love the one I'm with the most". I don't feel secure, he mentions marriage now and then.
I have had 2 marriages already both were NTs. I want desperately to have a relationship with a man who makes me feel secure and loved above all. That is the way I am. I don't lust after celebrities or anyone else I am not emotionally involved with.....are there men like me? |
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chelischili7
Hummingbird
Joined: Nov 11, 2009
Posts: 23
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| Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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Alone-in-the-Crowd:
Be careful with this guy. Lust is a very dangerous thing, and lead to very ugly conflicts if not controlled carefully.
I am the same as you. I do not lust after anyone that I do not know well. I can't speak for the rest of the Aspergians, but it seems to me that we don't have that problem to the same degree as NT's do; that is just my opinion. |
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mamc1986
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Sep 08, 2009
Posts: 36
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| Posted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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| I would do anything for a nice guy right now! I'm very sympathic towards men and the human species as a whole. Of course women want a senistive man! |
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Maggiedoll
Loon
Joined: Jun 05, 2009
Age: 25
Posts: 2125
Location: Maryland
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| Posted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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Alone-in-the-Crowd, I agree with chelischili7... woah! That guy sounds like a jerk! Why is it that you're into him? I think that when you make a decision not to go for guys who are outwardly charming, you have to start going for guys who are inwardly charming.
*sigh* I still don't get this nice-guy debate, though. Has nobody figured out the difference between "a guy that is nice" and "a guy about whom there's nothing else to say except 'nice'"? Yea, "nice" and "guy" are both in the description, but they're two completely different things! "Nice" is a generic and boring adjective to use to describe somebody. If they're smart, goofy, funny, attractive, philosophical, passionate, fascinating... any of those words would replace "nice" in describing somebody if those words applied. "Nice" means "boring" not because people who are nice are boring, but because you would use a more interesting, descriptive word if such a word applied. Even words that might be considered synonymous with "nice"... words like "sweet," "romantic," "patient," "loving," "understanding," "compassionate," "thoughtful." All those things are qualities that would make a person nice.. but they're more descriptive, more meaningful. To say that someone is "nice" means that those other words don't so much apply, or you would be using those more accurate, less generic words.
Nice is good, nice is great-- but there has to be more.
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I don't understand this place anymore. |
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LemonBubblez
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 12, 2009
Posts: 28
Location: Over here
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| Posted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 9:52 am Post subject: |
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| Mattsmum wrote: | | Nice guys ... will find the right person. |
Refer to my "horrible, horrible lies" comment on the previous page. The same applies. |
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makuranososhi
Purple Monkey Dishwasher
Joined: May 13, 2008
Posts: 6220
Location: Transitional
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| Posted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 10:53 am Post subject: Re: "nice guys finish last?" |
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| polymathpoolplayer wrote: | | LemonBubblez wrote: | | tpal wrote: | | And to you, Mr. Nice Guy? Don't give up! There are girls and women who are looking for you. If someone doesn't appreciate you for who you are move on and find someone who will appreciate you. |
Hehe, this statement is best described as a horrible, horrible lie.  |
Agreed and I will share some reasons why:
#1 reason: the man who was forced to wait too long (whatever that limit might be) will not wait any further and will eventually become something of a misogynist and will ironically not see that the particular lady who happens to come into his life is interested or will reject her out of hand in a general sort of "revenge".
OR: #2: even if he does not act as in scenario #1 it will happen too late for him to marry and have kids.
OR: #3: the woman who has woken up to this truth about her past behavior and tries to reform will be too old to hold his interest.
And in general: #4: women select men due to peer pressure and either: A): most likely will see other women reject him and word of this gets around and so most women will continue to shun him because they don't want to be perceived as chasing unworthy material, or B): his self-image will suffer to the point where even if he does not become the misogynist under scenario #1, he will send out "loser" vibes and women will shun him - just as they would if he acts bitter.
So sorry to tell you tpal, your urging for the nice guy to hold on is a wasted effort. I suggest you play the Beatles' song "I'll Follow The Sun". This is the song I play or think about every time I've gotten thick with someone like you. In fact it might sound cruel but my fervent prayer is that everyone like you should have a horrible, miserable life. Oh wait...you already are! |
Absolutely disagree. As for your list, those aren't the responsibility of potential partners; everyone has relationships that are negative and hurtful. What you do with that experience is your choice, but don't go blaming others. Your second point assumes that one wants children, and is still grossly inaccurate in a general sense even if select cases do correlate. The third point - too old? Bollocks. People get married in the 70s - please try again, as this is representative of one individual at one stage in their life, at one particular age. #4? Hardly. Women select men on an individual basis, not this broad stroke of the pen that you are attempting to paint them with.
Stop blaming women for the choices a man makes regarding his experiences. Being true to oneself, and being nice - not a pushover, not a "Nice Guy (tm)" or anything of that sort - and the opportunities are out there for one seeking love. But if one does not love themselves, that is the greater barrier in my observation and experience.
M.
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He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions...?
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Mazeut
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Nov 30, 2009
Posts: 36
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| Posted: Thu Dec 03, 2009 12:11 pm Post subject: |
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Whether I'm optimistic or pessimistic about dating hasn't ever mattered for me. There's only been one simple rule that has been a constant. If a woman tells me "your a nice guy" or "you'd make a great father" I can chuck any chance of a relationship out the window.
I don't mean they say that to soften a rejection, I mean they say it with enthusiasm. Like they've found something rare and exciting. I wonder, If I were mean to them and stole lollipops from children would women tell me they hated me try to hold my hand? |
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Lucilu
Emu Egg
Joined: Dec 04, 2009
Posts: 3
Location: WA Australia
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| Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 8:47 am Post subject: |
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| Hmmm. I think perhaps some of you males are using 'girls don't like nice boys' as an excuse for the lack of romance in your lives. Why would you want someone who prefers a macho idiot anyway? There are plenty of females who would kill to be with a nice guy for once. And not just ugly 'make do' girls either. |
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jd1515
Butterfly
Joined: Dec 06, 2008
Posts: 14
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| Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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My thoughts as a 22 year old chronic nice guy.
Nice guys are way behind the times when it comes to dating. They think of things in this formal, logical way, you meet a woman, become friends, ask her out on a date, go on the date, kiss, buy her flowers, go on another date or series of dates, have sex. This style of courtship has clearly demarcated steps that allow you to chart your progress, and places heavy emphasis on verbal interaction. This, however, is not how human beings are biologically programmed to court, but a product of the male-dominated social systems of old. In these systems, it was extremely important, for a number of reasons, to regulate who was reproducing with whom. At first, fathers took care of this with arranged marriages, then, for a while, it was thought that the woman might take over the vetting, with the same goals as her parents had for her, that she find a successful, stable, polite, nice guy.
Now, this is not how people actually court, and this is not how a lot of courtship worked even in the days of arranged marriages. women were still seduced by alphas, the old "traveling salesman" story. However, this was kept largely hidden or blamed on a woman's moral failure or disease, instead of what it was, normal human mating. Nowadays, we can be more honest about how mating actually works instead of expecting women to remain virgins until marriage or only have sex when in a relationship with a serious boyfriend.
The modern relationship usually involves informal settings, such as a bar or party. The man's role here is to give the woman an exciting and emotional experience, something she doesn't get when she goes to work or school. Women use much more non-verbal communication than men and are more emotionally sensitive, so the successful male dater will know how to receive and give proper non-verbal signals and be able to hit emotional buttons to excite the woman, as well as know the proper time to move things to the next level without having to be told.
Nice guys are not comfortable doing this, and assume women feel the same way. They approach the relationship logically rather than emotionally. They ask talk as if they want a long-term relationship, conversations designed to tell women- "I am not a threat, I am stable and safe." But what the woman wants to hear are statements that say "spend some time with me, I am interesting, exciting, passionate, and will engage you emotionally as a sexual being," moreover, they want the body language to match.
One problem I had when growing up is that my major female role model, my mother, kept telling me that the traditional relationship paradigm was what worked. "If you just be a nice guy, you'll eventually meet someone, I was friends with your father before we dated." What she didn't tell me, and I only figured out recently, was that she was 33 and looking to settle when she met my father, and she had shifted into a more logical courtship mindset. When pressed, she finally admitted that she had spent her twenties pining after the alpha types, guys the opposite of my software engineer father. She was telling me about the relationship that ultimately worked for her in her thirties, but it was not the advice I need to hear as a teenager trying to date teenage girls looking for something completely different.
One of the advantages of the whole "pick-up artist" movement is that it is getting this information out to nice guys who otherwise would approach dating from a logical, problem solving point of view. A lot of these men are analytical types, lawyers, doctors, engineers, who are trying to apply the mindset that works in their classes or jobs to dating, which is a situation that requires a different type of approach. A nice guy thinks he is presenting women with a perfectly logical choice by talking to her in a way that encourages her to logically choose him, but in realty, a woman wants an "alpha male" that will talk to her on an emotional level. |
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Kilroy
this is desu~
Joined: Apr 25, 2007
Posts: 11802
Location: I donno...
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| Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:46 am Post subject: |
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i've learned from the past
being nice to people gets you nowhere
and they use you
so f**k em
they don't deserve it, I don't wanna give it to them
not everyone with AS is a "sweet, caring, nice guy"
i am certainly not, and good thing, I once was and it dragged me under like a bag of sand |
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