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akwime1290
Hummingbird
Joined: Jun 14, 2009
Age: 18
Posts: 18
Location: New Jersey
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 Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:54 am Post subject: Friend or Not? |
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I wasn't sure where this should go but I figure Social Skills might be the best place for this. There is a girl on my floor at college who I am not sure if I want to continue being friends with her or not. There are times when she has been incredibly nice to me and supportive of me, I have I felt that I have been able to confide with her at times (she was one of the first people on the floor who I told that I was bisexual)
While she may be nice there have been many other times where she has made mean and rude comments to me. She will make comments to me how I seem "weird", "creepy", or earlier today she told me I have no sense of style and that I have an awkward walk. I know people will always tell me to not let those kind of comments bother me but when she tells me these sort of things or makes fun of me I feel so upset that I want to cry. It does nothing for my self-esteem and makes me even more self-concise than I am.
What frustrates me most is how nonchalant she is on certain issues. She tells me to just stop being anxious and stop being self-concise but it's not that simple! One cannot just stop as if we had a switch. Also when she complains how I am, I try to ask for help so I seem less so but she doesn't help me in anyway, she just seems to ignore me or overlook how hard it is for me. When I do try to defend myself, all it leads to is another comment where she makes fun of me.
What I ask WP is if this friendship is worth it or what I should do? I'm so confused and upset. |
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Boomkin
Blue Jay
Joined: Oct 01, 2009
Age: 30
Posts: 94
Location: US
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 2:16 am Post subject: |
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IMO a real friend will be honest with you, but will also accept you as you are.
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Tahitiii
Resident Whistle Blower
Joined: Jul 02, 2008
Age: 53
Posts: 1874
Location: USA
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 2:48 am Post subject: |
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She is definitely bad for you. But it's probably more complicated than just staying away from her. If she feels snubbed, or if she resents being deprived of her favorite human punching bag, she could make life hell for you in ways that you can't trace. I know the dangers -- I've seen that movie too many times. I just never figured out how to handle it. How do you back away gracefully? Or make yourself uninteresting?
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wkirk
Butterfly
Joined: Oct 22, 2009
Posts: 12
Location: St Louis
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 8:47 am Post subject: friends |
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Sounds like she’s deliberately jerking your chain. Which means she’s not a very nice person. When someone uses their power to hurt me I’ve found it best to avoid them. Since you can’t avoid her physically, just don’t engage. Don’t be rude but avoid talking with her (OOPs, I’m in a hurry right now, studying to do, see you later, etc.). Actually if you do it well, she’ll start being nice to you, but do you really want to be friends with someone like that?
Sorry you’re having a rough time - I’ve been there too. |
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Homer_Bob
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 06, 2009
Age: 21
Posts: 674
Location: Massachusetts
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:47 pm Post subject: |
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| I'll give the simple no answer. Who would want a friend that constantly criticizes you? I wouldn't, I'd rather be alone(which I am). |
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Loulas
Butterfly
Joined: Jun 23, 2009
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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I think you want shot of her. I can see the benefits of pointing odd mannerisms out to you, but not in the terms she uses and not things you can't change or which would be very difficult to change. She's contradicting herself when she tells you not to be self-conscious. I'm quite positive that she either gets a sadistic kick out of your reaction or at the very least demeans you in order to feel better about herself, not caring how it makes you feel.
I would just try to distance yourself subtly in ways other posters describe: don't contact her, and make excuses when she wants to hang out. Even if in the worst case scenario, she knows you're giving her a wide birth, tries to trash your reputation in an act of revenge and succeeds, it strikes me that you're better off alone than with someone who makes you feel like you describe, and you're not giving her the power that you'd be giving her by taking her sh** in fear of what she might do if you ditched her. |
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Lene
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 28, 2007
Age: 24
Posts: 833
Location: Manchester
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:03 pm Post subject: |
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I had a friend like her once. I never had many friends, so it took a while for me to realise that she wasn't really worth the snubs and bitchy attitude. Like your friend, sometimes she could be magnaminous and quite nice, but it was always like treading on very thin ice.
My advice would be to be polite and friendly, but start hanging around with a few other girls if you can. She may stop the bitchy act if you seem to have risen socially, or it may get worse out of jealousy.
I agree with Tahitiii, if you try to cut her dead and she feels snubbed, she may make life painful for a while. It may be better to just politely, but firmly change the subject everytime she tries to put you down. If she is just accidently tactless, then she will learn not to say these things; if she is deliberatly trying to get a rise, then she will get bored. |
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Spazzergasm
Meat Smith
Joined: Sep 16, 2009
Age: 17
Posts: 1181
Location: Istanbul
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 9:54 pm Post subject: |
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Ewwwww, what a toxic friend! (google that term)
Dump that bloody c*nt!!!!!!!
Seriously, she is not doing any good. In fact, she sounds like this girl I used to be friends with. She just made me feel bad, and I'm glad we don't hang out anymore.
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pineapple
Velociraptor
Joined: May 01, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 467
Location: san francisco
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 4:50 pm Post subject: |
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Sometimes friends make fun of each other in a light-hearted way; but that's not what's going on here. It isn't mutual-- she's just saying mean things that upset you. She doesn't sound like a good friend to me either.
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Aqua_Dragon
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Sep 12, 2009
Posts: 32
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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I am going to have to disagree with the majority of people here and say that you might not want to be so hasty in getting rid of here. Here's my take on the issue.
While she may have been rude to you at times, you also say she's been very supportive at others and also incredibly helpful. While I can understand that she sometimes makes these mean comments to you, always assume the best intention. A person who is only around you to abuse you is probably never going to be supportive of anything you do, nor would they bother to take the time to actually be nice in any way. Listening to that text alone, it even seems that her intentions are noble - she might just want you to know what she thinks you might need to 'fix', if you want to anyways.
I actually have a friend mighty similar to the one you describe. And she is actually my best friend because of all the help she has given me. After telling her I had Aspergers, she helped me with alot of the things I had problems with including changing my entire aesthetical appearance (including a change of hair color), criticisms on many of the strange things I did, and overall just being very much like a harsh teacher.
And while at times I wish she would explain her reasoning more, or that she would help me more then she has, I have to admit that her harshness is what has led me to recognize most of the problems I have that make me more miserable then the beratings.
In short, I think that your friend may sincerely be trying to help you out, but perhaps isn't good at sugar-coating thing and instead tells you her full opinion without holding back. Personally, I like it that way, but your mileage may vary.
I suggest you continue to be friends with her. It seems that while she's harsh, she's close enough to a genuinely nice person to be worth having and is not a total toxic friend. So there are a few ways I can see you getting around the comments that she makes.
The first and most direct is too strongly insist over and over again for her to help you with these things she's mentioning. I know you said she tried to make fun of you or is nonchalant, but you have to REALLY insist. Be persistent, and tell her that if she will show you in more specifics how to fix the problems that you are going to be willing to listen (if they are reasonable of course).
The second is to not ignore what she says, but keep a track of them. See it as this way - a doctor diagnoses a problem, but the medicine fixes it. So you could consider as like a doctor, and then see what might be 'out of the norm' with society that may make you seem weird and unapproachable. But either try to find out how to fix it yourself (not the best idea there), or ask someone else to see if they may be willing to see if they also see the same thing and will help.
The third is to not react to her when she tells you. Don't react strongly, because if she really is just "jerking your chain" then you are just allowing her to 'win', so to speak. But by not reacting strongly, you will lose her if her intention truly is vile, and will seem more willing to accept what she says if she wants to really just help out, but doesn't really know how to other then pointing out the mistakes.
And the fourth is to indeed listen to what she says - don't be so anxious about the stuff. It certainly is not an easy process, but if you can get through it, her comments will have no effect on you. Recognize what you like about yourself - maybe you like your walking in comparison to that of other people - and if so, don't let her words bring you down. Nobody can bring you down without your own consent. You have to learn how to ignore, or to even joke about it. If she says that you look funny in a way, you could even say "Yah, I know  and perhaps snicker a little. What this shows is that you know what you want to be.
All and all, if you want to change what she's talking about, then listen to what she says and be willing to accept it without being incredibly hostile. But be careful not to put too much blind faith into her, as she is still human. Having another person help would be useful.
If you don't want to change yourself for whatever reason (which I personally think is slightly stubborn), then don't let her comments effect you. If you like your own actions, the criticisms of another person should not effect you so much. You have to logically tell yourself "I like what I am doing, and her not liking it does NOT effect me."
Obviously, she doesn't care so much about these 'negative' aspects about yourself that she doesn't like you. She recognizes that you are weird and might insult you on it, but she hasn't stopped being your friend. She hasn't been hostile, and if she's still nice then I see no reason why you should get rid of her just because some of the stuff she says isn't fluffed up and presented in an easy-to-digest form. |
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