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Tim_Tex
Bunnies!!!
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 29
Posts: 30826
Location: To Be Determined
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 Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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This isn't about "nice guy syndrome" at all. And this could also apply to guys who stay with abusive female partners, or to same-sex relationships.
The only reason I can think of is that the person being abused/manipulated/disrespected is afraid that leaving the partner in question would bring worse consequences than staying (i.e. fear of never meeting anyone else, being homeless/broke, etc.)
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Sometimes I feel very sorry for the Coyote. Sometimes I wish he'd catch him.
If he caught him, there wouldn't be any more Road Runner. You wouldn't like that, would you? |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 24
Posts: 7126
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Tim_Tex wrote: |
The only reason I can think of is that the person being abused/manipulated/disrespected is afraid that leaving the partner in question would bring worse consequences than staying (i.e. fear of never meeting anyone else, being homeless/broke, etc.) |
You've never been in love, have you?
Look you people who think people can fall out of love at the drop of a hat because people have awful qualities just don't know. Maybe instead of posting this over and over again in here, actually read the replies people have made and take them seriously.
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The www will take you to paradise. |
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techstepgenr8tion
that chatty American
Joined: Feb 07, 2005
Age: 30
Posts: 7167
Location: The fine world of insomnia and coffee
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| Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:35 pm Post subject: Re: Why do people... |
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| hale_bopp wrote: |
That opinion is absolutely ridiculous, Maybe they are under pressure form their spouse not to see these people so much because he/she feels threatened. Maybe they want to see them but it isn't their fault at all. |
I have to agree with this, though I think it happens in plenty of very healthy and non-abusive relationships as well. Its one thing if its a mutual friend, it ends up being a relationship challenge if its a separate sphere of influence altogether.
I think the reason for it is completely sane though - with human biology sh** happens and it begs to test fate. If I find myself married ten years from now and meet really cool women along the way I'm more than happy being good acquaintances with them, if its at work keeping it in that sphere or in another circle of friends, but I know its a matter of respect - as in if I were spending time with a woman other than my wife, by ourselves, she'd be having a vicious tug of war in her head - on one side to trust me and on the other side realizing that if I am cheating and she trusts me that pretty much makes everyone see her as the biggest sucker alive. Even if the intent is completely innocent it drains the health of the relationship, in a way that could have easily been avoided by either making it a mutual friends situation or by just by minding the rules and not going there at all. |
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Tim_Tex
Bunnies!!!
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 29
Posts: 30826
Location: To Be Determined
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| Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: |
The only reason I can think of is that the person being abused/manipulated/disrespected is afraid that leaving the partner in question would bring worse consequences than staying (i.e. fear of never meeting anyone else, being homeless/broke, etc.) |
You've never been in love, have you?
Look you people who think people can fall out of love at the drop of a hat because people have awful qualities just don't know. Maybe instead of posting this over and over again in here, actually read the replies people have made and take them seriously. |
I have been in two relationships, and one friend-with-benefit situation.
Another friend of mine broke up with a boyfriend who was a drug addict and very disrespectful to her, and after not being able to find anyone else, went back to him and decided to put up with his issues once again.
_________________
Sometimes I feel very sorry for the Coyote. Sometimes I wish he'd catch him.
If he caught him, there wouldn't be any more Road Runner. You wouldn't like that, would you? |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 24
Posts: 7126
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Tim_Tex wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: |
The only reason I can think of is that the person being abused/manipulated/disrespected is afraid that leaving the partner in question would bring worse consequences than staying (i.e. fear of never meeting anyone else, being homeless/broke, etc.) |
You've never been in love, have you?
Look you people who think people can fall out of love at the drop of a hat because people have awful qualities just don't know. Maybe instead of posting this over and over again in here, actually read the replies people have made and take them seriously. |
I have been in two relationships, and one friend-with-benefit situation. |
You didn't answer my question.
| Quote: | | Another friend of mine broke up with a boyfriend who was a drug addict and very disrespectful to her, and after not being able to find anyone else, went back to him and decided to put up with his issues once again. |
Don't base everything on something that happened to one person.
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The www will take you to paradise. |
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Merle
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 190
Location: Lake Tahoe
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| Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 10:42 pm Post subject: Re: Why do people... |
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| Tim_Tex wrote: | Why do people stay with partners who abuse or disrespect them? What is the motivation in it?
And for that matter, what is the main reason for people dropping regular friends of the opposite sex when they start dating someone? |
No place better to go generally looks at the superficial aspects of the interaction. A relationship turning bad is obvious, even before it gets abusive and/or disrepectful.
There's a common saying out there that parents who abuse their children raise children who abuse others. Not only that but the children see the relationship between their abusive parents as "normal" and only can understand and accept that.
So why stay? Because this type of relationship is considered a) normal as it's something they've seen growing up, b) they think they can ultimately help their spouse, much like mommy helped by justifying why daddy was abusive and c) they will ultimately sabotage other relationships because they do not know how to cope/communicate in a 'normal' relationship.
In what I have seen, years of therapy helps. And I mean 3-5 at a minimum. The ones who didn't get therapy went from marriage to marriage (3+) with abusive spouses, turned gay or entered the BDSM scene. |
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Tim_Tex
Bunnies!!!
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 29
Posts: 30826
Location: To Be Determined
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| Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 1:46 am Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: |
The only reason I can think of is that the person being abused/manipulated/disrespected is afraid that leaving the partner in question would bring worse consequences than staying (i.e. fear of never meeting anyone else, being homeless/broke, etc.) |
You've never been in love, have you?
Look you people who think people can fall out of love at the drop of a hat because people have awful qualities just don't know. Maybe instead of posting this over and over again in here, actually read the replies people have made and take them seriously. |
I have been in two relationships, and one friend-with-benefit situation. |
You didn't answer my question.
| Quote: | | Another friend of mine broke up with a boyfriend who was a drug addict and very disrespectful to her, and after not being able to find anyone else, went back to him and decided to put up with his issues once again. |
Don't base everything on something that happened to one person. |
Yes, I have been in love before.
_________________
Sometimes I feel very sorry for the Coyote. Sometimes I wish he'd catch him.
If he caught him, there wouldn't be any more Road Runner. You wouldn't like that, would you? |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 24
Posts: 7126
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 2:51 am Post subject: |
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| Tim_Tex wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: |
The only reason I can think of is that the person being abused/manipulated/disrespected is afraid that leaving the partner in question would bring worse consequences than staying (i.e. fear of never meeting anyone else, being homeless/broke, etc.) |
You've never been in love, have you?
Look you people who think people can fall out of love at the drop of a hat because people have awful qualities just don't know. Maybe instead of posting this over and over again in here, actually read the replies people have made and take them seriously. |
I have been in two relationships, and one friend-with-benefit situation. |
You didn't answer my question.
| Quote: | | Another friend of mine broke up with a boyfriend who was a drug addict and very disrespectful to her, and after not being able to find anyone else, went back to him and decided to put up with his issues once again. |
Don't base everything on something that happened to one person. |
Yes, I have been in love before. |
Okay
Can you just go out of love at the flick of a switch?
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The www will take you to paradise. |
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MissConstrue
Has left WP.
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Joined: Feb 05, 2008
Posts: 16635
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| Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:03 am Post subject: Re: Why do people... |
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| Merle wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: | Why do people stay with partners who abuse or disrespect them? What is the motivation in it?
And for that matter, what is the main reason for people dropping regular friends of the opposite sex when they start dating someone? |
No place better to go generally looks at the superficial aspects of the interaction. A relationship turning bad is obvious, even before it gets abusive and/or disrepectful.
There's a common saying out there that parents who abuse their children raise children who abuse others. Not only that but the children see the relationship between their abusive parents as "normal" and only can understand and accept that.
So why stay? Because this type of relationship is considered a) normal as it's something they've seen growing up, b) they think they can ultimately help their spouse, much like mommy helped by justifying why daddy was abusive and c) they will ultimately sabotage other relationships because they do not know how to cope/communicate in a 'normal' relationship.
In what I have seen, years of therapy helps. And I mean 3-5 at a minimum. The ones who didn't get therapy went from marriage to marriage (3+) with abusive spouses, turned gay or entered the BDSM scene. |
QFT and I'm surprised not many people bring this up whenever one is attracted or stays in a destructive relationship.
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Ahaseurus2000
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 22, 2007
Posts: 765
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
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| Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:23 am Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | | Tim_Tex wrote: |
The only reason I can think of is that the person being abused/manipulated/disrespected is afraid that leaving the partner in question would bring worse consequences than staying (i.e. fear of never meeting anyone else, being homeless/broke, etc.) |
You've never been in love, have you?
Look you people who think people can fall out of love at the drop of a hat because people have awful qualities just don't know. Maybe instead of posting this over and over again in here, actually read the replies people have made and take them seriously. |
I have been in two relationships, and one friend-with-benefit situation. |
You didn't answer my question.
| Quote: | | Another friend of mine broke up with a boyfriend who was a drug addict and very disrespectful to her, and after not being able to find anyone else, went back to him and decided to put up with his issues once again. |
Don't base everything on something that happened to one person. |
Yes, I have been in love before. |
Okay
Can you just go out of love at the flick of a switch? |
Good point.
If there is a strong commitment made, such as moving in with them, marriage, even children, is it harder to leave? Having to move out, collecting belongings, protecting the children etc.?
If the boyfriend or husband behaves meanly one moment then convincingly loving the next, can that be confusing?
To better understand this from woman's perspective...
Also, does this help: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt108997.html |
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Tim_Tex
Bunnies!!!
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 29
Posts: 30826
Location: To Be Determined
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| Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:43 am Post subject: |
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For me, going out of love would require some sort of trigger. I don't think I could do it instantly, for no reason.
_________________
Sometimes I feel very sorry for the Coyote. Sometimes I wish he'd catch him.
If he caught him, there wouldn't be any more Road Runner. You wouldn't like that, would you? |
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Ishtara
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Oct 26, 2009
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 1:40 am Post subject: |
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It isn't always a matter of love. I've been in an abusive relationship, and I'd come to despise my boyfriend long before I left him. No relationship starts out abusive, it creeps up on you slowly, until by the time you realise, you're already in so far that getting out is going to be a struggle.
For me it was mostly a matter of having nowhere else to go. My job was part-time so I earnt just enough to scrape by as it was, and he'd made it very clear that I had signed the lease on our apartment and he would not make it easy on me financially if I were to leave.
The other matter was that it was only emotional abuse and threats, never physical violence. This was also six years ago, before the police took threats by SMS or on blogs seriously. Without substantiated threats or physical violence, there is virtually no support available. So he could read my mail, destroy my posessions, control every aspect of my life and tell me the voices said he had to kill me, but the law doesn't view it as 'abuse' so I couldn't get into a women's shelter or get legal help getting out of my lease.
After six months he made some very direct threats and I finally decided I had to throw myself on my parent's mercy and I'd deal with the costs as they arose, becuase it was at that point it finally sunk in that one day he would carry out his threats. I left with only what I could fit in my car, because much of what I didn't take was destroyed in the tantrum he threw when he discovered I'd left, including family heirlooms.
Anyone who can 'just walk away' from such a relationship is a stronger person than I am. |
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CerebralDreamer
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 23, 2008
Posts: 382
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| Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:03 am Post subject: |
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| Ishtara wrote: | It isn't always a matter of love. I've been in an abusive relationship, and I'd come to despise my boyfriend long before I left him. No relationship starts out abusive, it creeps up on you slowly, until by the time you realise, you're already in so far that getting out is going to be a struggle.
For me it was mostly a matter of having nowhere else to go. My job was part-time so I earnt just enough to scrape by as it was, and he'd made it very clear that I had signed the lease on our apartment and he would not make it easy on me financially if I were to leave.
The other matter was that it was only emotional abuse and threats, never physical violence. This was also six years ago, before the police took threats by SMS or on blogs seriously. Without substantiated threats or physical violence, there is virtually no support available. So he could read my mail, destroy my posessions, control every aspect of my life and tell me the voices said he had to kill me, but the law doesn't view it as 'abuse' so I couldn't get into a women's shelter or get legal help getting out of my lease.
After six months he made some very direct threats and I finally decided I had to throw myself on my parent's mercy and I'd deal with the costs as they arose, becuase it was at that point it finally sunk in that one day he would carry out his threats. I left with only what I could fit in my car, because much of what I didn't take was destroyed in the tantrum he threw when he discovered I'd left, including family heirlooms.
Anyone who can 'just walk away' from such a relationship is a stronger person than I am. |
That's really the point of abusive relationships. They rarely start that way. It just sort of creeps up, and if the jerk happens to have intelligence, he'll remove all other options before he shows his true colors.
It really makes it a difficult situation to handle. I've seen this personally in my parent's marriage. He's been doing what he can to cut away other options throughout the marriage. He just won't let her leave, and deliberately trashes any other options that come up. Jobs, social security, friends, and even family relationships have been trashed by him in attempt to remove other options.
I really hate that people get away with this, but then I realize most individuals deny it can even happen. That's what pisses me off more than anything. Stuff like this does happen, and that attitude is what allows it to continue. |
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Tim_Tex
Bunnies!!!
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 29
Posts: 30826
Location: To Be Determined
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| Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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Said friend is dating the drug addicted guy who talks trash about her behind her back because she thinks he will "make up for her faults". That is a ridiculous reason for pursuing someone romantically.
_________________
Sometimes I feel very sorry for the Coyote. Sometimes I wish he'd catch him.
If he caught him, there wouldn't be any more Road Runner. You wouldn't like that, would you? |
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0_equals_true
Genuine Charlatan
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 27
Posts: 6992
Location: London
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| Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:43 pm Post subject: Re: Why do people... |
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| MissConstrue wrote: | | QFT and I'm surprised not many people bring this up whenever one is attracted or stays in a destructive relationship. |
It is valid/true some of the time. The problem is it is circular and not a complete answer. You are still stuck with Tim's question. I take the conditioning argument though.
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