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Aimless
O Fleshy And Ambitionless
Joined: Apr 02, 2009
Posts: 3421
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 Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 5:30 am Post subject: |
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| I don't have a huge amount of confidence but I have also managed to leave a lot of self hatred behind. I guess somewhere along the line I decided that what society tells us makes someone valuable is bogus. I was raised in a family that valued academics and intellectual pursuits. Those who's main focus was on money were regarded with disdain and there was a certain amount of intellectual snobbery. Then I realized that was just as arrogant as assessing someone's value by their bank account. If you don't regard someone's value by their money or their intellect or their beauty, what you have left is their level of wisdom and kindness. We all fail in that regard. Growing up is a life long process and most people don't even try. They never challenge themselves to develop. The way I look at it is no one is going to write about me in the history books but if I can live my life and make my choices that facilitate peace, wisdom and understanding even in a small way, then I have value. I'm not talking about solving world hunger, I'm talking about small everyday things. But for the record, I was surprised that this post came from you Hale-Bopp. It just goes to show you that these feelings can affect anybody. I know you only from your posts and I don't believe we've ever communicated but my impression of you has always been that you are a beautiful, vibrant and capable person. It seems to me that people here always respond very positively to you. They like you. I know that depression can cloud your perception of yourself. The truth is like the rest of us, you're not perfect, but if you are learning and growing and challenging yourself, your life has inherent value. |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 25
Posts: 7533
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 8:02 am Post subject: |
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| Aimless wrote: | | I don't have a huge amount of confidence but I have also managed to leave a lot of self hatred behind. I guess somewhere along the line I decided that what society tells us makes someone valuable is bogus. I was raised in a family that valued academics and intellectual pursuits. Those who's main focus was on money were regarded with disdain and there was a certain amount of intellectual snobbery. Then I realized that was just as arrogant as assessing someone's value by their bank account. If you don't regard someone's value by their money or their intellect or their beauty, what you have left is their level of wisdom and kindness. We all fail in that regard. Growing up is a life long process and most people don't even try. They never challenge themselves to develop. The way I look at it is no one is going to write about me in the history books but if I can live my life and make my choices that facilitate peace, wisdom and understanding even in a small way, then I have value. I'm not talking about solving world hunger, I'm talking about small everyday things. But for the record, I was surprised that this post came from you Hale-Bopp. It just goes to show you that these feelings can affect anybody. I know you only from your posts and I don't believe we've ever communicated but my impression of you has always been that you are a beautiful, vibrant and capable person. It seems to me that people here always respond very positively to you. They like you. I know that depression can cloud your perception of yourself. The truth is like the rest of us, you're not perfect, but if you are learning and growing and challenging yourself, your life has inherent value. |
The thing is I can be a vibrant leader and in control onto it person, I run my own suport site. But I also get hurt very easily. Someone hurt me almost led me to the gallows with their cruel words and actions.
Thing is I didn't used to be that nice. I used to be bitchy and angry, snapping at people, and that still comes out from time to time. This is because of my deep self loathing, instability and self hatred.
_________________
The www will take you to paradise. |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 25
Posts: 7533
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 8:18 am Post subject: |
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| Spokane_Girl wrote: | | I wonder how you can be on I2 if you get hurt easily? |
Its because I don't generally care what internet people think nowdays. I've been through way worse in real life its almost meaningless.
Also if im in a really bad state I avoid intensity for a certain period of time anyway usually.
_________________
The www will take you to paradise. |
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Aimless
O Fleshy And Ambitionless
Joined: Apr 02, 2009
Posts: 3421
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| Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 9:01 am Post subject: |
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| Spokane_Girl wrote: | | Oh I see. You are invulnerable online but in real life you are more sensitive. |
I'm certainly braver on line than I am in real life, but not by much. |
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fernando
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 23, 2006
Age: 28
Posts: 568
Location: in a room where it's nine in the afternoon, where thoughts can bloom
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| Posted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 3:14 pm Post subject: Re: advice for being completely worthless how to get self wo |
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| hale_bopp wrote: | I need some advice on how to get self esteem.
I'm sick of being a useless talentless piece of sh** with no outstanding qualities, the people I love don't like me, Im completely uninteresting and dumb and moronic and mediocre and boring havent lived no life experience cant cope with life
Wish I was dead wish someone would stab the sh** out of me and mutilate me shoot me and burn the body.
I hate myself. I'm worthless and don't even deserve to be alive.
However suicide is a LOT more complicated than usually thought.
Unless there is a 100% chance of a painless death (shooting is out of the question, you can't get guns here easily) then i'm going to have to find a way to make life worth living.
I'm not here for sympathy, I don't deserve it. I let someone make me feel like the scum on the bottom of someones shoe and its ruined the little self worth I once had, so its either pick my fat, uselss pathetic arse out of the gutter or decapitate myself.
I am here for advice. I don't know what to do about this. There doesn't seem to be anything in the world thats going to make me feel like less of a complete worthless failure at life that I can think of.
Urgh. I just want to go and burn myself with a poker iron, rip out all my hair and have a whole lot of people just beat the sh** out of me. |
I know i come across as a scammer but i am the only person on earth who can actually help you and i can't help feeling responsible for you. Send me a message if you really want to change.
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"I have only come here seeking knowledge...... things they would not teach me of in college" - Sting |
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Fiz
The Outspoken
Joined: Jan 30, 2006
Posts: 1733
Location: Manchester, United Kingdom
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| Posted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 6:32 pm Post subject: Re: advice for being completely worthless how to get self wo |
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| hale_bopp wrote: | I need some advice on how to get self esteem.
I'm sick of being a useless talentless piece of sh** with no outstanding qualities, the people I love don't like me, Im completely uninteresting and dumb and moronic and mediocre and boring havent lived no life experience cant cope with life
Wish I was dead wish someone would stab the sh** out of me and mutilate me shoot me and burn the body.
I hate myself. I'm worthless and don't even deserve to be alive.
However suicide is a LOT more complicated than usually thought.
Unless there is a 100% chance of a painless death (shooting is out of the question, you can't get guns here easily) then i'm going to have to find a way to make life worth living.
I'm not here for sympathy, I don't deserve it. I let someone make me feel like the scum on the bottom of someones shoe and its ruined the little self worth I once had, so its either pick my fat, uselss pathetic arse out of the gutter or decapitate myself.
I am here for advice. I don't know what to do about this. There doesn't seem to be anything in the world thats going to make me feel like less of a complete worthless failure at life that I can think of.
Urgh. I just want to go and burn myself with a poker iron, rip out all my hair and have a whole lot of people just beat the sh** out of me. |
After reading this, I think that you need to seek professional help, purely because of the hateful things you are saying regarding yourself and the things you want done to yourself. The professional should discuss with you why you feel people you love don't like you, why you think you are worthless and why you think you're mediocre etc and help you resolve these feelings. It may take a while, but I think it will be your best shot at building up some self-esteem. I had to seek professional help for a good couple of years when I felt similar to this. I was bullied for years by people, treated as a door mat and told I was worthless by a number of people, many of whom I realised later on in my counselling didn't really matter to me. They didn't matter to me because I suddenly realised, if they want to hurt me, they deserve nothing from me, not even a hurt reaction, just nothing. And, furthermore, why should I care for people like this? You need to somehow reach a similar realization and I do think a counsellor, who will take into consideration your personality and circumstances, will help you with that and tailor it to suit you.
Besides, you can't say you are worthless, particularly with regards to the community here at WP. From reading some of your posts, you seem to be this moral compass and someone who says what she wants to say without feeling you have to hide behind a screen to do it. And you do it in a way that, although you are direct, that doesn't necessarily mean you are bitchy or rude. I don't think I've ever read a post of yours and thought 'wow that hale_bopp lass talks crap doesn't she?' For me that just hasn't happened, if anything, I've mainly agreed with you... |
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Aimless
O Fleshy And Ambitionless
Joined: Apr 02, 2009
Posts: 3421
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| Posted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 7:35 pm Post subject: Re: advice for being completely worthless how to get self wo |
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| Fiz wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | I need some advice on how to get self esteem.
I'm sick of being a useless talentless piece of sh** with no outstanding qualities, the people I love don't like me, Im completely uninteresting and dumb and moronic and mediocre and boring havent lived no life experience cant cope with life
Wish I was dead wish someone would stab the sh** out of me and mutilate me shoot me and burn the body.
I hate myself. I'm worthless and don't even deserve to be alive.
However suicide is a LOT more complicated than usually thought.
Unless there is a 100% chance of a painless death (shooting is out of the question, you can't get guns here easily) then i'm going to have to find a way to make life worth living.
I'm not here for sympathy, I don't deserve it. I let someone make me feel like the scum on the bottom of someones shoe and its ruined the little self worth I once had, so its either pick my fat, uselss pathetic arse out of the gutter or decapitate myself.
I am here for advice. I don't know what to do about this. There doesn't seem to be anything in the world thats going to make me feel like less of a complete worthless failure at life that I can think of.
Urgh. I just want to go and burn myself with a poker iron, rip out all my hair and have a whole lot of people just beat the sh** out of me. |
After reading this, I think that you need to seek professional help, purely because of the hateful things you are saying regarding yourself and the things you want done to yourself. The professional should discuss with you why you feel people you love don't like you, why you think you are worthless and why you think you're mediocre etc and help you resolve these feelings. It may take a while, but I think it will be your best shot at building up some self-esteem. I had to seek professional help for a good couple of years when I felt similar to this. I was bullied for years by people, treated as a door mat and told I was worthless by a number of people, many of whom I realised later on in my counselling didn't really matter to me. They didn't matter to me because I suddenly realised, if they want to hurt me, they deserve nothing from me, not even a hurt reaction, just nothing. And, furthermore, why should I care for people like this? You need to somehow reach a similar realization and I do think a counsellor, who will take into consideration your personality and circumstances, will help you with that and tailor it to suit you.
Besides, you can't say you are worthless, particularly with regards to the community here at WP. From reading some of your posts, you seem to be this moral compass and someone who says what she wants to say without feeling you have to hide behind a screen to do it. And you do it in a way that, although you are direct, that doesn't necessarily mean you are bitchy or rude. I don't think I've ever read a post of yours and thought 'wow that hale_bopp lass talks crap doesn't she?' For me that just hasn't happened, if anything, I've mainly agreed with you... |
I agree Fiz, and I've been thinking about your response to my response earlier in the thread hale_bopp.
You spoke about your ability to say hurtful things; I think therapy would help you understand why. I read that all human emotions can be distilled down to one of two things, love or fear. Someone could probably argue the point but I think if someone looked at a behavior about themselves that were ashamed of, they could first ask themselves why,and then when they arrived at the first answer they could ask themselves why again and eventually discover that deep down the basis of that feeling was really fear. Fear of abandonment usually I think. It's kind of an interesting exercise to do. For the record, I've never known your posts to be abusive. |
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