I'm going to kill myself next Wednesday.

robo37 · Deinonychus Joined: Jan 07, 2009 Age: 15 Posts: 316

Please read this.

If you hate reading, skip to the 21st paragraph (to where the line is). I was never expecting this post to become so huge. And as you can see I'm not too good at English and I've done this in a hurry so most of this could probably be worded better.

The first time I felt anything like as bad as I do now was back in my second year of primary school, where this boy kept biting him myself, showing the wound to his teacher, and pretending that I bit him so I would get in trouble... and I did, I was chalked down as one of the naughty ones right from the beginning, and I hated this, I hated the fact that there was nothing I could do - I had to just sit back as I got in trouble. Why he was doing this is beyond me, but at the time I was only about 7 or 8, so the only thing I wanted was for all of that to stop. As punishment I kept getting smacked really hard by my mum and her boyfriend, but I had done nothing wrong.

Then a couple of years later I was getting bullied by a larger group of lads. This went on for years. Pretty much everyday they would come for me after school and I spent most of my time crying as a result of this. I was terrified of them. I felt so awful and the teachers just done nothing about it, they didn't believe me, and I even remember once they got all of these boys in a room with me and a teacher, and I just sat there crying my eyes out while they were all backing each other and telling the teacher how they never done anything wrong, and the teacher... she just sat there, agreeing with them. It was hell, my childhood was destroyed, and my AS stared to sink in.

I had never had many friends; in fact, I didn't have any, not unless you included this boy called Jack Clark who eventually started to bully me as well and two of his brain dead friends who went along with him with everything and always stayed on his side. He'd used to be alright in school, but every time I went home, he'd be there, following me, hitting me, kicking me, reducing me to nothing more than a terrified bag of nerves with no aim in life. I hated this so much... I told the teachers, but again they just turned against me. So did my mum and her boyfriend with the latter beating me up because he thought I was lying. No one believed me, no one had ever believed me, about anything... and not many people have any idea just how awful that feels, how awful it was for a boy of my age to be so terrified of going into school and getting beaten up and then having to go home and suffer the same terror for 'lying' about it. I say no one believed me, my dad believed me, but he responded by smashing every window in the school... not the kind of thing that would help, and my Dad... well... he's a little bit... messed up... in the head. Near the end of primary school someone writ something offensive about my teacher on a blackboard, and for some reason the teachers blamed this on me, and nearly got me expelled. This made me feel so happy... I spent most of my childhood crying.

I used to be a very talkative person, used to have no problem with my social life, never used to have that overwhelming sense of awkwardness that I now experience every day, but because of all this bullying that I experienced I came into secondary school as a shy misfit. I was way to nervous to talk to talk to anyone. I was scared. I was still very talkative at home and while I was behind those four walls I was actually very happy - I used to play games and watch the telly a lot and I very much enjoyed doing so. This - however - wasn't enough, it simply wasn't enough, I hated not being able to talk to anyone but my own mum and dad, and even when I managed to do so I always said what I wanted to say so quietly there were even less that actually heard me. I always took time to reply to whatever people said to me simply because I needed time to plan the words in my head - I didn't want to say the wrong thing.

Yeah so as I said I had enough, thereby doing whatever I could to be popular. I managed to quickly gain a friend called Dale - he was friends with those 'friends' of mine that I said used to be friends with Jack. He wasn't exactly popular... but one friend was better than none. At last a friend that didn't bully me, we irritated each other a lot and didn't share any interests... but he never bullied me, and that was good.

My path to popularity was clear and I knew how to go down it... and it wasn't by following any of the school rules. I started to misbehave a lot, I argued with the teachers, and I'm ashamed to say this but I ended up bullying this boy who was a lot smaller than me who was already getting bullied by a group of other people. Yeah, I was a horrible person... but I was popular... I got my confidence back, I could actually talk to people normally and I wasn't getting bullied by anyone. I didn't show any AS traits - I was normal, and I was happy. The other kids couldn't believe how I changed from such a shy boy into... that.

You can see the problem. The school wasn't happy. I was facing exclusion again, this time under more reasonable conditions. Luckily this didn't happen, instead, I got moved into another form. I wasn't happy about this, even when my form tutor said that they swapped some less popular kid for me and everyone cheered as I walked into the classroom, I still just charged into the room, sat down, crossed my arms, and sighed as I pulled my angry-looking facial expression.

As time gone by I found this shy boy called James, and stared to get to know him. He often hung around with this other boy called Keiran plus two other lads, and we all started to get along. However that nastiness was inside of me so I still misbehaved a lot... for example, in art lessons, I sometimes used to flick paint over the other boys work. Perhaps I had some kind of ADHD. In one incidence me and those other boys were messing around hitting each other with our bags, and I took things too far, and kept hitting James as hard as I could - so much so he even told the teachers about this and got me sent to the BSU (Behaviour Support Unit - you get taken out of all of your lessons while you get all of your work sent to you) for a week.

Eventually two of the other boys left leaving just James and Keiran - and as I began to completely forget about Dale, they started to become my only friends.

Keiran turned out to be a very talkative person once I got to know him. He also turned out to be selfish and manipulative. He started to insult me, and when he got away with it he started to insult me more, and more, and more and this carried on for God knows how long. About 99.99% of every joke he made was in some way focused around insulting me, I'm struggling to describe just how horrible and upsetting this was - I lost every ounce of confidence I'd gained and several times more - my life was destroyed - and I wanted to die. James joined in with all this and every single day they'd both insult me about 20 times, the painful thing about it was that I knew I could never win, and couldn't do anything about it. It was a lot worse than any of the bullying that I was talking about before all I wanted was for Keiran to die he destroyed me and my AS traits kicked right back in afterwards as I became what I would say a retard. Once Keiran went around the entire class and asked everyone if I was gay, managed to manipulate everyone into saying yes, and lathed in my face as I was dying from the inside. It truly was dreadful.

I went back to being the shyest boy in the school. I only ever replied by saying a one word answer, and always kept out of everyone’s way. It's difficult to imagine just how appalling it was every registration I had to just sit in front of them as Keiran told James a constant stream of jokes about how much of a retard I was. He never used to do this while he was on his own so there wasn't a problem at all when I was sitting next to him in lessons it was only when James was in the scene when things turned ugly.

While all this was going on, I started to like Keiran's sister. Everyone seemed to hate me, but not her, while I was in the lunch queue she said "aww I like you, you look so cute", and I went bright red. I started to like her more and more though I never told anyone; I just kept all my feelings to myself. She was a year ahead of me and already had a boyfriend, so at the time there was little I could do. I never had a chance to be with her, and that hurt. That was my first experience of love - something that I never previously believed in.

Somewhere in the mist of all of this a girl called Laura Jones came along, about three or four years ago. She was Dale’s cosine. I was standing next to Dale in the lunch queue with some other lads and there she was, but I felt nothing at the time, all her presence did was make me feel uneasy; I wasn't used to there being a girl around so I went very quite, even more than normal. She was also very quite so when we all sat down to have lunch there weren’t many words being thrown about, but then Dale whispered something in my ear about having sex with her, and she kept asking me what he said. I told her and after initially telling him that he's sick she started to follow me around the school and kept telling me a load of random stuff about herself... I just wanted her to get away from me, I wasn't interested, why can't she just leave me alone - I thought. I told Keiran about this and he told me that she probably likes me, but I replied by saying 'I hope not'. A couple of months later she was telling people that she liked someone, someone asked her if it was me, and the long pause before she said 'no' worried me. The only person I wanted was Keiran's sister, Allaura.

This was strengthened when I went to Keiran’s house and she kept talking to me while I was sitting in Keiran's (very small) room and I then ended up standing right in front of her. Laura pretty much left me alone by then. In fact about a year later the school made their own website with a chatroom on, I kept spamming it, Laura said 'this lesson is so boring', I said 'life is boring' and then someone else said 'and so is your spam' which was closely followed by a final 'lol' from Laura. This made me angry, so when I had was in English the following lesson and everyone was insulting her on it I joined in - and me and Laura spent the whole lesson insulting each other.

I apologised the next day, and she was being nice about the whole thing, she said something like "oh it's okay, don't worry about" which felt good.

You know that boy that I said I used to bully, well two boys called Jack Crowther and Danny were using his password to make it look like he was saying stupid things on the chatroom, and this gave me an idea - I could tell Allaura exactly how I felt towards her - but do this under somebody else’s name. When I got home I made an email address under the name 'Mr X' and tried to send 'I love you' to her school address... but failed. I could never get her email address right. This irritated me and meant that I'd just spent ages making this email address for nothing, but I still had the option to send that email to a different person, so I did, and for reasons I can't quite explain - I sent it to Laura. It really didn't matter who I sent it to the idea was still awful and was never going to help in any way. After she read it she took a different path home from school and wasn't in for three days - this a) made me feel really bad as it looked like it scared her, and b) made me worry that she might call the police thinking that the person who sent her that message was a paedophile. Sure the police probably wouldn't have done anything once they found out that I wasn't a paedophile, but I didn't anyone to think that I felt anything towards her.

I told James that I sent someone an email but refused to say who to (I was way too shy to even say this to him) and he said that in his opinion she wouldn't call the police unless I sent her any more emails, but I was feeling so bad about it at the time I couldn't help but send her another one (under the name of Mr X) saying how sorry I was for sending it and that I'd leave her alone. All this thinking about her made me start to like her, and all the love I had toward Allaura started to instead directed itself towards her. I stated to develop a feeling that I was even strong than what I had felt towards Allaura. In a way, I started to become obsessed with her.

I guess this kicked off in English - I always used to sit on my own near the front of the class, and she also used to sit alone, in front of me - and this boy asked me to call her a load of names because she was pulling his hair, so I told her that he wanted me to call her a load of names and we started to talk to each other while she kept smiling at me. I had this really lucky day this year where not only did I not miss the bus when I should have and found out that I was getting Xbox Live but I was also put in this seating plan for English that had me sitting right next to Laura and away from everyone else... I was so happy about this... it meant that I could talk to her four hours every week.

I still never had the confidence to tell anyone how I felt. I was way too shy; I didn't think that she would ever know which was very upsetting for me. I did however manage to scrape up enough confidence to tell this other aspie called Sam that I knew, as I knew he would never tell anyone about it. I eventually got around to telling James who I liked, but as he spent most of his time telling me how much of a b***h she was, I could guess how he was going to react - I thought he was going to say something like 'you're messing' and that's exactly what he said - he said 'you're messing' - five times. He didn't do anything else, so it was kind of pointless telling him. Next I told Sam's brother, as he was three years younger than me and had never met her. Me and that boy who I used to bully, Nathan, were fine then, so I also told him. I told Dale that I liked someone, I didn't tell him who, but Sam's brother typed her name up on his computer screen and showed him it. Even though Dale was Laura's cosine he promised me that he wouldn't tell anyone, and I believed him as he had a look of honesty in his eyes and didn't seem the type to make false promises. And besides, Dale and Laura hated each others guts.

From then my feelings towards her just kept growing. I needed her to know how I felt, but could never say anything. I've recently had to do work experience, and all I could think about while doing it was Laura. On my lunch break I used to lie down in a field but instead of enjoying the peacefulness of it all I kept thinking about how nice it would be if she was lying next to me. Lunch breaks are supposed to last for half an hour, but once I was out for FIVE HOURS - just because I was thinking about her.

One day, once work experience had ended, and Laura wasn't in, I felt so strongly towards her I writ 'I love Laura Jones' on the English table, I panicked when I only had about one minute left of the lesson and none of it was washing off and joked about this to Keiran as an excuse to let him know that I liked someone. I knew it was a bad idea to tell him, but I had kept my feelings inside me for years so I felt that I really needed to tell people about them. Of course I knew that it was too much of a bad idea to tell him who this reason was, but he wanted to know, and said that he would tell everyone that I liked someone if I didn't tell him. I still didn't tell him, so he told Jack (that boy who I said made it look like Nathan was saying stuff on the chatroom and misbehaves a lot) and then he started to ask me who it was. I eventually told Keiran to ask James if he wanted to know, and he did the following morning, but promised not to tell anyone. At this time Keiran had stopped bullying me for a while and was actually being supportive and helpful.
______________________________________________________________________________

Right, this was all about four months ago.

I have no idea how but Jack somehow found out the person I liked was Laura, and he responded by immediately telling her this. I didn't know what to do at first I was very happy that she actually knew about this but I got really nervous about what to do - I had an English lesson straight after she found out, but we got split up into groups so nothing happened. I did, however, have ICT after that, and so did Laura and Jack. As soon as I walked up to the classroom Jack kept shouting stuff across the corridor and after I refused to ask her out in front of everyone he kept asking her for me, but we both just ignored him. All she was going was talking to this cosine of hers through the phone but she did seem happy, I think I can remember her smiling. Jack also kept saying stuff throughout the lesson so everyone got to know that I liked her fairly quickly. At the time I wasn't sure what to think, but as I was walking out of school she was bright red, rubbed her hands across her face and pulled this big smile as she was staring at me so this put me in great mood for once.

Then I had English again the day after, and she was actually talking to me a lot more than she normally did. While we were put into groups again for this speaking and listening exercise about animal testing she just stayed sitting next to me and said that she didn't mind working with me at all for that lesson. She started off asking me whether I wanted to be for or against animal testing and said that she hated it but then started talking about other stuff such as how much she hated her Science teacher. I actually thought that I stood a chance of being her boyfriend so I left that lesson with a bid smile across my face and smiled for the rest of that day telling everyone how happy I was - that honestly was the happiest day of my life.

I stayed like this but I promised myself I would start to do the right thing more often... I kind of thought this would give me good karma as they call it so I deserved her more and became more of the nice guy that a lot of girls like to go for. I said (to myself) that I would no longer litter and would help old people more often, and as a load of people think its sick and repulsing, stop masturbating. Well I masturbated the following day and I was disgusted with myself so I went on Facebook shortly afterwards and told Keiran how much I hated myself and didn't deserve her. He responded by suggesting that I should ask her out and then after I said I was way too shy to say anything by saying that I should send her an email instead. I did, and this was the email I sent;