Do I have Aspergers or am I just an abandoned alien???

lucasfilm_guybrush · Emu Egg Joined: Nov 23, 2009 Posts: 5

So this is it, Hi

I just turned 38 years old, I am a guy and until a couple of days ago I was SURE that there was something either wrong with me, or every other member of my species.

The story starts when I was a kid, I remember looking back that I have never been able to connect with people. Never been able to take a hint, people had to be obvious with me, body language wasnt something I could read.

Friends.. I have had friends, but only ones who chose and latched onto me.. possibly for the wrong reasons.. I always looked in the mirror and knew I looked normal, I wasnt weird, I didnt do anything I thought was freaky, but I think looking back I did freak people out.

I had a hard time at school.. I was always ahead of everyone else in classes, could grasp subjects quicker than anyone... But I could not put anything down on paper... If a lesson was practical based, creatively based or verbally based, I could excel.. Artisticly I used to blow my teachers away, I used to do Maths in an unconventional way ,my mind would work out answers somehow but I could not write down my working out or proof.. I was able to grasp new ideas and subjects very quickly.. was not very good at languages, spelling, not at all musical.. etc.. But anything to do with science, maths, computers, electronics, or even art, I was light years ahead.. but I could not get it down into words. Which caused some teachers to brand me as lazy.. But some were encouraging but I know I frustrated even these teachers.

With my artistic side, I could never explain where images came from.. They just came.. It was almost like I was possessed by some kind of spirit who was an artist and my hands did the work.. very freaky... But then again, I was a little bit like this with maths and some other subjects.. No inner dialogue came up with answers through some kind of method.. answers to technical problems just come..

When opportunities arise to make friends.. if someone new talks to me and says "Hi" or starts a conversation, I am so taken aback, that by the time I have thought of the answer or got up the courage to actually speak, I usually feel the moment has passed, whatever I have said has fallen on death ears or was somehow the wrong thing to say, the other persons reaction was normally one of "game over".. Because of this, I never really made friends unless the other person was persistant with me, even then, I never felt comfortable with them.. not 100%

Because I do not feel comfortable with friends I do get, I never make the next move.. The only time I socially interact with people is if they do all the work.. a good example is going out.. I have never gone to a bar on my own.. I have never asked someone else to come with me.. the only time I go is if I am litterally dragged there..

I never pop round a friends house, I don't feel I would be welcome, they would have to ask me to go round, they would have to come and visit me.. This behaviour I think causes my friendships to fizzle out.

Because the friends who are persistant are the only friends I get.. this means that most of my friends are not good ones.. often I feel "wow is this a friend" and eventually it turns out to never flourish into friendship or it eventually turns out that the only time I see them is when they want something... I have been through this so many times that now I see all potential friends in the light of "what do they want" Sad

With girlfriends its been the same.. when I was young, looking back, I can identify times when girls were interested in me.. but back then, I could not see it at all.. unless something obvious happened... I remember being 14 and walking into a class early and only two people were in there, a boy I knew and a girl called Rachel.. As I walked in, the boy said "rachel really likes you" he smiled and walked out of the room.. Rachel looked at me and just smiled.. did not blush, did not say anything, just smiled.. I clammed up and just sat down and got ready for class.. But this triggered something that made me obsess about this girl until I was about 20 years old! I never once spoke to her, I saw her daily until I was 17 but never once talked to her...

When I was 21 I met an Italian girl, in a room of 100 people, she appeared and I could see no one else but her.. I could not approach her, even though she looked over and smiled at me several times.. When I left one of my friends talked to her and gave her my number.. she called the next day but I was out.. and the next day in a bar I was in with a friend, she walked up to me and smiled.. I clammed up and had problems even saying hello.. we had an odd relationship for the next few weeks.. meeting every other night, having awkward situations where we would just stand there, neither of us knowing what to say.. During these "dates" I would want to talk to her, and would awkwardly try.. she seemed distant and not interested (possibly due to my behavior or my lack of bodylanguage) and I would think "she does not like me" but at the end of the evening, she would suddenly seem desperate and ask if she could see me again.. she was not after someone to buy her drinks, because she never ever let me buy her a drink.. but it was odd.. Eventually she went back to italy and the last time I saw her, she wanted to spend until the early hours of the morning with me, but we hardly spoke.. and then when I got her home, just before she got out the car she kissed me quickly on the lips and got out of the car... I wrote to her for a year.. we got on much better by letter.. but again, from the day I met her, I obsessed about her but did not know what to do or say to her, and could not read her body language or her intentions at all.. even when friends told me that she was obviously infactuated with me.

And then.. I met my current wife.. Situations, friends and life kind of threw us together... this woman was probably my first girlfriend.. I was 21.. she showed some interest in an obvious way when I met her.. this got me obsessing.. turned out later that she threw herself at me because her ex-boyfriend was there and she wanted him to be jealous, she would never admit this though.. Anyway, her jealous ex-boyfriend, and her crazy ex-husband tried to cause trouble, this made me stubborn and whatever makes me obsess about a woman as soon as they show interest, ended up with me clinging onto her with dear life.. we eventually got married.. we are technically still married, but live apart and still see each other...

Looking back, its taken me 17 years to see the mistakes I made initially being with my current wife... maybe she loves me now, I cant tell.... but she didnt in the early days.. my logical mind has worked this out.. But its also taken me decades to realise the times when girls did show me interest back then, and I just blanked them and didn't realise.

I own a successful business now and have a reputation of being an expert in my field.. but there is still one thing freaking me out... I dont understand people... I tell people this and they casually shrug it off and say "oh people are complicated" but they just do not understand me.. I dont understand people or humans at all.. I feel and have always fealt completely at a loss with anyone of my species.. I care for them, sometimes I think I care more for them than they care themselves from the mistakes I try to stop them from making.. But I feel completely detatched from them... its hard to put into words, but I have an obsession, I have this mission to understand humans, but its a completely impossible mission because I do not understand them or their motivations on any level.. this is a particular problem socially but also a problem with the fact I have people that work for me.

People have always said its almost impossible to know what mood I am in.. Often I will be walking up the street towards someone I know and their first words will be "who p*ssed you off?" because I look moody... But in reality a lot of these times I am actually happy! Also my voice, I never thought there was anything wrong with how I talk.. But I just discovered that following reading the symptoms of Aspergers that people describe my voice as not monotone, but as calming (??)

One other thing.. Never once have I told a Joke and people have laughed in a genuine way.. However, people have said I am very funny, but this seems to be just when I am venomous or sarcastic.. I seem to be a master of being venomous and nasty in a sarcastic/funny way but often miss when people are being sarcastic or ironic.

So this brings me to the last couple of days.

There is a guy who does jobs for me part time.. He is very good with electrics and electronics.. But comes across as simple.. and he said to me that he had to go early because he has to see his therapist.. being interested in psychology (part of my mission to understand people) I asked him what he therapy was to deal with and he explained he had Aspergers syndrome and explained what it was about.. and for the first time in my life I could relate to every symptom he mentioned.

So I looked deeper.. and found an online test for Aspergers... I scored 40 which puts me firmly into having Aspergers...

Looking through this forum, I can relate to more messages I have seen than I have related to people as a whole in the last 38 years!

Then the other thing about this forum.. as soon as I noticed the doman name, it was funny because I have always said I feel like 38 years ago some space ship from an alien world dumped me here and abandoned me, as I just don't get these humans that surround me... I have spent my life feeling like I am on the wrong plannet.

Now the interesting question I have in my mind.. Have I felt lonely for the last 38 years because I wanted friends.. Or because looking around society I thought I should have friends?!?!?!?

So, this is my story and who I am.. I know this is not the place to get diagnosed with Aspergers.. and I dont know if I need to be diagnosed because I am not sure if any good comes from some official telling me that I am different, which I have always known... But... Do you guys think I have Aspergers??

Smile