Existance

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Even just the very few things that make up my personality clash so much that I simply am not real. Every time I meet someone, I have to choose who I am going to be. I'm beggining to realise what I am actually in search of. Just existance. I'm completely lost.

I feel that way too. I have no personal identity and for every person I meet a create a new identity that I think will be harmonious with they'res. I don't see myself as a human sometimes I feel as though I only exist in the minds of others. The only way I identify myself to myself is through my personal interests and the things I create while I exist on this physical plain of existence. Because I have no true self I am also sexually androgynous I am only able to maintain relationships with humans through scenarios I've created with god like manipulation. Not having a true self I feel a part of myself within everything and I crave the power to have full control over this reality. Unfortunately if I were to gain full control then I would no longer exist and become 100% omni presence. If I did that then I would no longer be capable of recognizing the patterns that make up existence and thus my current existence would no longer be inside of other people but I would continue to exist outside of them. If you exist outside of other humans than you no longer exist.

I understand the both of you. I've changed so much It's hard to tell who I am. I started changing when I was was 13 for a variety of reasons and sometimes I want to ressurect my childhood self even though it feels impossible for me to do so. I don't remember a lot from those days, so it could be that my preception of my childhood as a "lost golden age" is just stupid and wrong. I keep changing myself to try and be certain things and when that causes embarrasing excess I scrap my old self, create a new self and put myself on a new path - possibly towards oblivion again. It seems I don't have full control over my beliefs and believing certain things causes me to behave oddly. It's hard for me to tell whether a "true self" exists or whether all selves are just created. The right answer is probably somewhere in between. Our "true self" is probably just a thoughtless barrage of emotions, instinct and impulse derived from the freudian id and we are forced to translate our feelings into thoughts in order to create a rational picture of the world around us, creating the freudian ego. We create our superego from the rules we are taught to obey by society although biological morality might also contribute.

On the plus side of all this change I have learned a lot of potentially useful things about myself. On the minus side I've also learned some things about myself I'd perhaps rather not have learned. Once you see the nihlistic abyss you can't unsee it.

"The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.
'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'
'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'
'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'
'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.
'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'"
-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

You don't understand how happy this post makes me feel. I've been trying to explain this to my GF in words. She has AS too but im bad at explaining things. My entire life I've felt like more of a pretender. She said she does the same thing but i'm so glad you guys posted this.

Aspergers/autism really is such a deep subject. I think part of what makes it so easy to self diagnose is the dramatic difference one experiences, just being alive. Looking at other people you can tell they're not feeling the same way, or they'd need to rock or stare into space for hours (for example) too.

It's a huge task sorting out all these experiences, some which border on feeling supernatural, and to this day there's only a small portion of this "condition" actually explained.

That's what this made me think about, anyway. I've felt that way, or at least very similar, many times.

I'm happy because you're happy.

I am also happy, now, because everyone is happy. I love these in depth analysises (don't know the plural) and they've helped me somewhat organise my own mass of thoughts on this topic.

For me, I find it very difficult and draining to dedicate time in an effective way to building knowledge and skill in certain specific areas where normally a person would do within the boundaries of their personallity. Like sticking to a cetain sport or watching almost every film etc etc. These simple things are so valued now, particularly amongst those my age and I simply have not gained enough in anything to be anyone.

So often, I go though life trying to imagine myself to be similar to those in a certain category. For example, those who are gay, vegetairian, unemployed, young, who are travel, who are aspies, socially slow, love music, play instruments, don't drink, don't smoke etc etc etc etc. But, it's impossible. There's always something I have to hide in order to get on with someone. Hence why I never make friends and if I do, I don't like them and they probably don't like me that much.