How do you get confidence?

Post Reply New Topic

That is kind of how I feel.......I feel like there was no confidence to begin with so nothing to really build on. And I really have no idea how to gain any.

Sweatleaf > I hear what you are saying. There has to be so much more going on than affects confidence. Maybe its not even the most important issue.

There has to be alot of reasons why someone past their teens just doesn't have the confidence in themselves.

That is why I am really asking to anybody that thinks they know. But nobody really knows how to gain confidence. Some think that they know, but its ONLY true for them, and even then I really really believe alot of it came naturally to them( Not saying they didn't work hard to get what they want in life or anything to that extent). Or at least they already had alot of support going for them in other areas that they weren't aware about it.

Some people on here would disagree with me and just say that confident people earned it but you sit around so you deserve what you get. And I think there is SOME truth to that. I just believe that there is so much much more that is going on and that NOTHING can be that black and white.

I can name so many things that I have been bad at since childhood til now that I have always been insecure about. And this is not because I self-loathe. These are things that repeatedly time and time again always popped up, and I always failed to improve upon then.

The things that I am actually good at, that I am actually confident at, I could list on one hand, and I probably wouldn't need most of my fingers.

I mean I wouldn't even consider myself the biggest loser either. I always knew deep down that I was dealing with something different inside me, because nothing made sense like it did for the other kids. I had alot of experiences that proved this, Its just not a coincidence.

Ironically by others standards, I am far from a loser. In black and white "other people" perspective
1. I have a job
2. I have a car
3. I support myself
4. I live independently
5. I have 80 or so college credits (even though I dropped out and the credits + experience I had in college was a complete waste)

None of this gives me confidence or even makes me feel good about myself.

What do you think?

I think there is more than earning it or not earning it....I mean I can't particularly remember anything I did that was wrong enough to make me deserving of some of what I got. I mean no one deserves to be picked on and cast out at school throughout most of their life because they are a little bit different(and no one really even knew how I was different incuding myself but they still noticed there was something that seemed off about me I guess.). From my perspective I always felt the need to defend myself from other people and did not like to provoke things. And you probably would not guess it(or maybe you would) but as nice as my mom can be she has her nasty side and when I was a kid she was one of those 'do as I say because I say so' types and a couple times she did get more physical than she should have......she never actually hurt me or any of my siblings but she did get get close you could say. Also she was really overprotective and tried not to let us out much it seems and of course my dad was an alcoholic, and he seemed to have more physical control if he got angry...but had a tendency to say kind of nasty mean things(he grew up 10x worse.) He gave us more freedom though so we ran into quite a few mom said no so lets go ask dad' type situations.

And then after highschool I tried to make it on my own but kinda failed and now I am living at my moms and her boyfriends house and attending community college. Hoping I can find a way to move out because its becoming clearer and clearer I cannot and do not want to live there much longer.

So yeah I did not have a very positive environment to thrive in, and did not really have any friends to go hang out with when I needed a bit of consistant support....reading was my escape for most of my childhood. So yeah I don't think I brought on my low-confidence myself.

There are some things I am ok at:
I have the acedemic abilities to pass college courses
I am good with animals, not sure what purpose that serves exactly
I have a mind of my own for the most part
I am intelligent or maybe I just think I am
And I try to accept people for who they are and do not judge people for superficial reasons.

but yeah I cannot say these positives really increase my confidence, but I do not see how many people in that situation would gain much confidence.

Confidence is when you can rely on yourself for the things that you need. The more needs you can provide yourself, the more confident you are. Sometimes people go through temporary phases of confidence, because at that moment, the things they need they can provide themselves. Unfortunately, many of us are brought up to nod our heads when people speak. Standing up for yourself is impossible when the person that needs to be stood up to is also giving you a place to live. So make a list of all the things you want or need, and check off the things that you can provide for yourself without assistance.

When I have felt confident recently, it was because tried something that I knew I wanted to work, and it just did. But, most importantly, I didn't think too much about whether it would work. I didn't get attached to the outcome I wanted. I put in the effort and then said to myself; ok I'm done. If I had cared too much, when I succeeded I probably would have thought "yeah, well, it was supposed to work".

If you want to gain confidence in doing something, my advice would be to make your self feel neutral about the chances that it will work out. And then try it.

This may or may not help you but it helped me. Recently I decided to do something drastically different from what I am used to in my life so I decided to shave my very hairy head (bless those poor hair clippers, they barely made it) and all of a sudden, when I went out in public, I found myself feeling far more confident, maybe it's because that was one less thing for my brain to worry about...I'm not sure, but I had a HUGE confidence boost by breaking out of my shell, even in a manner such as that.

I get that mentality and approach I really do I have heard it before, BUT its so contradicting to the if you want something give it your hardest, and don't give up until you do.

I mean I really can't convince myself if the results don't matter. Either it matters so I end up trying my hardest......

I can't really be into something and be whatever about the results

Sometimes it's okay to be arrogant and egotistical.



Start telling yourself that you're better than everyone else, and eventually you'll start to believe it.

That may not be the best thing to do...

True true.
But sounds very weird when you say "got it out of your system". I know what you mean but it also comes forth as if it is something that is crucial for a person to grow.
As you say experience.

But I never chose it. It came and I stuck around. It was my impulsive subconscious choice when presented with a threatening situation.
So I guess I'm ahead in that class...
Ultimately you know that you don't break so easily physically and mentally after a fight. After you say "f**k it, that was that.." and move on knowing that you can take on more.

But it's a tricky subject, depends on parents, personality, childhood, trauma, anatomic build, impact from people around you and the ones you choose to listen to.
If you seek to lead a still life and you are fine with the lack of outside stimulant then maybe combat skills aren't that valued by that person but they can still have a great job, family etc. etc. and a road in life that gives them the energy, happiness hence granting them some form of confidence in the environment they hang around.

Confidence has different areas, it grows strong in some situations and shrivel in others.
You seem to be building confidence in a area that will take you to you own personal finish-lines. Which is great (Not arguing with your choices, just typing out loud. You do whatever you want.) and helps you in your personal development and the places and spaces that you will reside in and around when you do have that confidence.

So confidence for me is an application for your own person when wrestling with the world. I'm not "confident" when I'm alone I don't need the reminders and reinforcement of what feats I have bested, I just do stuff.
It is only outside where I'm greeted by the rest of you where I have to decide if each moment things are A-ok or if that s**t don't fly with me. That's where you need confidence, to steer your life the way you want it to go in a sea of people trying to do the same.

I've learned that a good sense of danger (not necessarily the ability to counter it) and a healthy sense of humor is the best formula for a levelheaded state of well being.



Sorry for the ancient response but, I.. sorta got high and wandered off.

Hmm, odd. I started out with the fake act when I was new to the party scene and girls but I disgusted myself. I kept doing it a couple of times but then I just dropped it cuz faking is s**t and it makes you feel ba.. ba.. bad inside.
I let my quirks out and I did get raised eyebrows, remarks and still do but knowing that they will f*****g adore you 15 min later is a sure shot. And those who are the worst I ignore guys and girls. They come around later when all their friends like you and they are the one left out.


I get that. Believe it or not.

SoulCakeDuck >

I guess more than just being able to fight I want to be strong. I mean strength in muscles and in coordination. I think alot has to do with posture. I have kind of bad posture, and it definitely affects breathing, and my overall health, which obviously affects everything else.

If I can take care then I think I will have a fair amount of confidence. And I won't have to worry about some stupid c**t who thinks I am an easy target.

I don't know. I just feel really depressed and alone, and have been feeling that way for years, but it hasn't really sunk in til the last couple of years.

I just don't know how to get out. I am hoping some martial arts instructing will be able to teach me some wisdom and grounding.

I dunno, I can't really remember much now of the past few years, but yeah I tried being this and that, but ultimately I think either people could see through it, or I just couldn't fake it past a certain point.

And when I use "fake" I don't mean an NT fake kind of way like pretending to be into surfing when your really not. I mean that I pretended that my usually social phobia boundaries didn't exist, and my insecurities weren't what they are. This definitely made everything worse and occurred some strange friendships where I really shouldn't have been associating with a person like that.

Looking back my whole college "experience" and high school years were just a waste. Complete waste.