techn0teen
Phoenix
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Joined: Sep 15, 2010
Age: 21
Posts: 663
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 Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 5:29 am Post subject: Parent said "losing his daughter" |
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I was unfortunate to be a male born with the wrong genitalia. My dad said he is "losing his daughter". When I hear this, I get infuriated. I was a shell my entire childhood. I never said anything. I never expressed anything. I never smiled. He is not losing a daughter, he is losing a forced act I put on. It hurts me so much to think he only loved my act. He never loved me for me. He would rather have a shell of a child than a happy, prosperous son.
My family refuses to call me by my male name or the right pronouns. They claim it is because the younger children will not understand and it will create conflict with their stepfather and the court system (I basically live with my dad's fiance and her kids during the summer). I visibly cringe when my old name is used. It only brings up bad memories of all the physical and psychological pain I went through in the past. It makes my gender dysphoria worse.
It gets to the point I want to break total contact with everyone in my family. I never want to see anyone in my family again. I even find it hard to talk to those who in my family who were accepting of me. I just want a fresh start. I hide this hurt and anger. I feel betrayed, and I hide it so well that I was largely unaware of it until now. I am starting to show it in subtle ways. I am getting more snappish than before.
I am usually a very reasonable and kind person, but I am turning into something I don't like and will do everything in my willpower to not become. How do I get rid of this anger? |
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Marrshu
Snowy Owl
Joined: Oct 12, 2006
Posts: 129
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:02 am Post subject: Re: Parent said "losing his daughter" |
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| techn0teen wrote: | | I was a shell my entire childhood. I never said anything. I never expressed anything. I never smiled. He is not losing a daughter, he is losing a forced act I put on. It hurts me so much to think he only loved my act. He never loved me for me. He would rather have a shell of a child than a happy, prosperous son. |
Wow, that almost word for word describes my childhood, except with the genders flipped. 
I wish I knew how to get rid of similar anger. Sadly, all I can usually do is ignore them as much as I can. :\ |
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CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 38
Posts: 87357
Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where gentle Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow.
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visagrunt
Polymath
Joined: Oct 17, 2009
Age: 46
Posts: 5761
Location: Vancouver, BC
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 11:18 am Post subject: |
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It depends, to a degree, how new all of this is for all of you. Has your father had time to adjust to the new reality? Have you, for that matter? Is this going to be a permanent division in your relationship, or will he come around in time?
I my experience, parents come around, in time. You have had a lot more time to figure out the disconnect between your body and your self--he has received this information all at once (more or less) and that creates a great deal of anxiety, and resistance.
As long as he is denial--never calling you by your male name--it is going to appear that progress is slow or nonexistant. But your truth will win out in the end.
_________________
--James |
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mb1984
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 05, 2011
Posts: 432
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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Boy techno, I'm really sorry to hear about your dads reaction. I am also a male, born female bodied. I have not come out to my dad yet, and I am fearing a similar reaction. I feel like he and my brother would be constantly trying to prove that I'd never be as "man" as they are. I feel like they would not understand me when I tell them, that isn't what it is about. It's about bringing my body into harmony with my mind, and also giving my male brain the chemicals it needs to function properly.
Have you started hormones yet? I personally don't care if my family wants to call me "$h!the@d" for the rest of my life. I'd happily be disowned, before I'd base my life decision on what they say. I'm also married with a family of my own, so it does make a difference than if I still lived at home. I was, however, very worried about my husbands reaction. He was obviously shocked (although not entirely surprised) but has been nothing but supportive.
_________________
AQ Score: 44/50 Aspie Quiz: 175/200-Aspie 31/200-NT
Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
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techn0teen
Phoenix
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Joined: Sep 15, 2010
Age: 21
Posts: 663
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| Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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| visagrunt wrote: | | It depends, to a degree, how new all of this is for all of you. Has your father had time to adjust to the new reality? Have you, for that matter? Is this going to be a permanent division in your relationship, or will he come around in time? |
I have been saying I was a boy since I was three years old when I was first able to speak more than two words at a time. He has had a long time to know it.
He has been improving with time but I would expect, based on my history, that he would have come around a lot sooner. I guess it will take him some time but his ignorant and hurtful comments do not help. It is clear he has an issue with it.
| visagrunt wrote: | | As long as he is denial--never calling you by your male name--it is going to appear that progress is slow or nonexistant. But your truth will win out in the end. |
Yes it will. It is just hard having to live with him during the summer while off from university. I will work extremely hard to not live with him ever again. |
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