How do you deal with clingy/needy people?

Page 1 of 3 [ 37 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

23 Sep 2011, 11:12 am

OK, so maybe this is a problem that is uniquely my own, but I seem to attract a lot of people who feel the need to latch onto me emotionally.

As a general rule, the people around me tend to get exponentially more attached to me than I get to them. This happens in romance and also in friendships. For example, I knew a girl once who wouldn't stop calling me on the phone. I got home one day and found that she had left me two or three messages. Instead of feeling happy that I'd finally gotten a friend, I just felt weird-ed out and alienated. Later on, there were other people who would only tell me about their problems and how horrible their life is. I get very tired out listening to it all. The other effect is that it causes me to withdraw even more from the social world in order to protect myself.

On one hand, maybe I should be happy that people "like" me. On the other hand, I recognize it's not a true friendship. There is no mutual sharing of feelings or interests. It is all one-sided, at the cost of my emotional well-being. Usually these types of "friendships" don't last very long, so I'm glad about that. Yet even after a lifetime of dealing with this, I still don't really understand why this happens or how to prevent it. I never see it coming.

Does anyone else deal with this? If so, how do you cope? How do you avoid getting taken advantage of emotionally?


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 26,492
Location: UK

23 Sep 2011, 12:15 pm

I've been told that I'm very clingy, and it's made me feel unique, but that was back at school. Now that I've left and have met all kinds of different people at all kinds of different ages, I've noticed that any people could become clingy, not just Aspies.

I have a friend who is clingy. We are both on job-seekers, and I got used to just searching for jobs my way, but now she's come on the scene, I find she's a bit too bossy sometimes. She's a little overparanoid about the job-centre and looking for jobs that she keeps on saying, ''oh you don't want to apply for this and you don't want to apply for that....'' and I know it's nice to have a friend to do these things with, but sometimes I prefer to do things my way. I still try to, but then I've got to cover it up with a lie, then the lie would have to be covered up with another lie, until it's all one big lie - just to make sure I don't get found out. She's not stopping me from getting work, because she really wants me to get this job what I'm waiting to hear back from, but she's just assuming everything's going to be hard and she makes excuses up and I think she's just overparanoid.

But anyway, I do like having a close friend to do things with, rather than always being on my own. Well, I do have other friends too, but I don't see them so much as I see this friend. This is the first time in my life when I haven't felt lonely, so I like it. But sometimes....I do like my own space. If I do want a day in, I just say, ''well I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow and the next day....'' or if she rings me up and stays on the phone for longer than needed, I just say, ''well I'd better go, my dad needs to use the phone.'' I just make up little white lies....but, unlike me, some Aspies find it hard to make lies up on the spot, so I don't quite know what advice to give.


_________________
Female


Willard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,647

23 Sep 2011, 12:48 pm

syrella wrote:
Instead of feeling happy that I'd finally gotten a friend, I just felt weird-ed out and alienated.


syrella wrote:
On one hand, maybe I should be happy that people "like" me. On the other hand, I recognize it's not a true friendship. There is no mutual sharing of feelings or interests


Is it that they are clingy, or is it that you're just walling them out? I think AS has a tendency to cause us to isolate ourselves from anything or anyone that doesn't compel our interest. If its not absolutely fascinating, its not interesting at all - so unless another person shares one of our obsessive interests, we don't have much interest in interacting with them. Unfortunately, that doesn't always lend itself to forming true emotional bonds, but that's the sort of thing that makes AS a disability.

OTOH, I have often felt like a Geek magnet, and I think its because I am so High Functioning that I bridge some sort of gap for those who are not - I'm odd enough to feel 'accessible' to them (and being a Geek myself I hate to treat them poorly), so when they interact with me, they feel they're hanging with normal people and being accepted by them. Joke's on them, I ain't 'normal people.' And I'm not that 'accepting'. And I really wish they'd go away and leave me alone. :roll:



ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Jun 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,265

23 Sep 2011, 12:55 pm

syrella wrote:
OK, so maybe this is a problem that is uniquely my own, but I seem to attract a lot of people who feel the need to latch onto me emotionally.

As a general rule, the people around me tend to get exponentially more attached to me than I get to them. This happens in romance and also in friendships. For example, I knew a girl once who wouldn't stop calling me on the phone. I got home one day and found that she had left me two or three messages. Instead of feeling happy that I'd finally gotten a friend, I just felt weird-ed out and alienated. Later on, there were other people who would only tell me about their problems and how horrible their life is. I get very tired out listening to it all. The other effect is that it causes me to withdraw even more from the social world in order to protect myself.

On one hand, maybe I should be happy that people "like" me. On the other hand, I recognize it's not a true friendship. There is no mutual sharing of feelings or interests. It is all one-sided, at the cost of my emotional well-being. Usually these types of "friendships" don't last very long, so I'm glad about that. Yet even after a lifetime of dealing with this, I still don't really understand why this happens or how to prevent it. I never see it coming.

Does anyone else deal with this? If so, how do you cope? How do you avoid getting taken advantage of emotionally?


What's really frustrating is when so-called friends say I am like that because my parents got a divorce! To me I am totally normal and they are too dependent on others, to their detriment. I just tell myself they are like that because their parents stayed together :wink: I have known people who will stay with partners that treat them like absolute garbage, clearly the love is not reciprocated then they take out all of their frustrations on their friends, including me. Don't know if its subconscious or what. To me, it's really messed up. I've always thought it's better to be more detached and not so friggin dependent on other people.

Coping, for me, means getting more detached. I cannot tolerate being treated like crap by people who are upset because other people treat them that way.

Oh, and btw when friends have been this way I have been straightforward in the past and have TOLD them without mincing words I think they are being too dependent, clingy, co-dependent, too addicted to people that they shouldn't be addicted to. It always results in a BIG ARGUMENT and they end up resenting the heck out of me for telling them.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,750
Location: Stendec

23 Sep 2011, 1:07 pm

Use them ... abuse them ... kick them to the curb.

Well, not exactly ... more like a little exploitation here and there (wash my car, mow my lawn, et cetera) with a few "Dutch Uncle" discussions of how their devotion is misplaced. If that fails, then it's a tossup between public humiliation and a restraining order.


_________________
 
No love for Hamas, Hezbollah, Iranian Leadership, Islamic Jihad, other Islamic terrorist groups, OR their supporters and sympathizers.


animalcrackers
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,207
Location: Somewhere

23 Sep 2011, 1:10 pm

syrella wrote:
Does anyone else deal with this?


I've had friends who seemed to rely on me for support and nothing else.....sometimes I'd feel more like a social worker than a friend. I've been on the other side of this kind of situation, too--completely self-absorbed, wanting help and comfort and totally oblivious to the other person's life and feelings, wants and needs.

I've also had friendships and romantic relationships where the other person was just way more social than me, and wanted to spend so much time with me that I felt overwhelmed.

syrella wrote:
If so, how do you cope?


In most of the situations where I've felt like a social worker instead of a friend, I've tried to give the other person the benefit of the doubt--basically tried to imagine that they don't mean to be self-centered and just need to be informed that I have wants and needs, too (this is what I needed when I was the emotionally-needy, self-absorbed friend). Based on this possibility, I came up with scripts for myself like:

"I know that you're going through a hard time and I want to support you, but there's only so much support I can give--I have things going on in my life that I have to deal with, too. Sometimes I just need a break to look after myself [and/or] Sometimes I need support---just like you do--and at those times I can't always help you. "

...and....

"I can't manage my own life and supporting you with yours every day. If you want to call me every [few days, week, whatever] that's okay, but it's too much for you to call me everyday [or however often they call]--especially if every time you call me it's because you need support. It takes a lot less energy to just hang out or have a conversation that includes my life and yours than it does to just provide emotional support to you."

After saying things like this a few times, I start screening my calls and limiting the amount of time I spend talking to that person.

If nothing changes after months of screening calls and occasionally re-stating boundaries/explanations, I end up saying something like:

"Look, I think friends should respect each other. If you care about a person, you should respect their boundaries. If you set a boundary about me calling you, I'd respect it. I'm setting a boundary: I don't want you to call me every day--it's too much for me. If you can't respect that, then I can't be your friend. If you keep calling me every day, I'm going to stop answering my phone."

I handle situations where people want to spend more time with me than I want to spend with them by saying things like:

"I am the kind of person who needs a lot of alone time--it's not that I don't like you, it's not that I don't care about you--I'm just not as social as you are. If I don't get enough alone-time, I'm miserable and I don't enjoy any of the time I spend with you or anyone else."

Most people I've encountered seem to get this, or at least accept it....some people don't/can't understand or accept it. I'm not willing to feel constantly awful because someone else demands that I spend every free minute of my days with them, so if they do demand this the relationship inevitably ends when I refuse to meet the demand.

syrella wrote:
How do you avoid getting taken advantage of emotionally?


Not sure.



MakaylaTheAspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2011
Age: 27
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 14,565
Location: O'er the land of the so-called free and the home of the self-proclaimed brave. (Oregon)

23 Sep 2011, 1:18 pm

Clingy/annoying person: Hey, Makayla!

Me: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!! !! !! !! !! !! !!


_________________
Hi there! Please refer to me as Moss. Unable to change my username to reflect that change. Have a nice day. <3


TwistedReflection
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 180
Location: At the End of Everything

23 Sep 2011, 2:01 pm

I drop them like a tonne of bricks and run like hell; I've got my own mental/emotional baggage to deal with, why would I want to burden myself with somebody else's? I hated being the proverbial "shoulder to cry on" :roll: .



syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

23 Sep 2011, 3:04 pm

animalcrackers wrote:
syrella wrote:
Does anyone else deal with this?


I've had friends who seemed to rely on me for support and nothing else.....sometimes I'd feel more like a social worker than a friend. I've been on the other side of this kind of situation, too--completely self-absorbed, wanting help and comfort and totally oblivious to the other person's life and feelings, wants and needs.

I've also had friendships and romantic relationships where the other person was just way more social than me, and wanted to spend so much time with me that I felt overwhelmed.

syrella wrote:
If so, how do you cope?


In most of the situations where I've felt like a social worker instead of a friend, I've tried to give the other person the benefit of the doubt--basically tried to imagine that they don't mean to be self-centered and just need to be informed that I have wants and needs, too (this is what I needed when I was the emotionally-needy, self-absorbed friend). Based on this possibility, I came up with scripts for myself like:

"I know that you're going through a hard time and I want to support you, but there's only so much support I can give--I have things going on in my life that I have to deal with, too. Sometimes I just need a break to look after myself [and/or] Sometimes I need support---just like you do--and at those times I can't always help you. "

...and....

"I can't manage my own life and supporting you with yours every day. If you want to call me every [few days, week, whatever] that's okay, but it's too much for you to call me everyday [or however often they call]--especially if every time you call me it's because you need support. It takes a lot less energy to just hang out or have a conversation that includes my life and yours than it does to just provide emotional support to you."

After saying things like this a few times, I start screening my calls and limiting the amount of time I spend talking to that person.

If nothing changes after months of screening calls and occasionally re-stating boundaries/explanations, I end up saying something like:

"Look, I think friends should respect each other. If you care about a person, you should respect their boundaries. If you set a boundary about me calling you, I'd respect it. I'm setting a boundary: I don't want you to call me every day--it's too much for me. If you can't respect that, then I can't be your friend. If you keep calling me every day, I'm going to stop answering my phone."

I handle situations where people want to spend more time with me than I want to spend with them by saying things like:

"I am the kind of person who needs a lot of alone time--it's not that I don't like you, it's not that I don't care about you--I'm just not as social as you are. If I don't get enough alone-time, I'm miserable and I don't enjoy any of the time I spend with you or anyone else."

Most people I've encountered seem to get this, or at least accept it....some people don't/can't understand or accept it. I'm not willing to feel constantly awful because someone else demands that I spend every free minute of my days with them, so if they do demand this the relationship inevitably ends when I refuse to meet the demand.

syrella wrote:
How do you avoid getting taken advantage of emotionally?


Not sure.


This was some very helpful advice. Thanks for taking the time to respond... I'll keep some of it in mind. I've used similar strategies in the past, such as screening phone calls or telling them directly. As you said, sometimes they seem to get it, other times they don't. Oh well. I'll keep working at it so that I find a good balance.


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

23 Sep 2011, 3:10 pm

Willard wrote:
syrella wrote:
Instead of feeling happy that I'd finally gotten a friend, I just felt weird-ed out and alienated.


syrella wrote:
On one hand, maybe I should be happy that people "like" me. On the other hand, I recognize it's not a true friendship. There is no mutual sharing of feelings or interests


Is it that they are clingy, or is it that you're just walling them out? I think AS has a tendency to cause us to isolate ourselves from anything or anyone that doesn't compel our interest. If its not absolutely fascinating, its not interesting at all - so unless another person shares one of our obsessive interests, we don't have much interest in interacting with them. Unfortunately, that doesn't always lend itself to forming true emotional bonds, but that's the sort of thing that makes AS a disability.

OTOH, I have often felt like a Geek magnet, and I think its because I am so High Functioning that I bridge some sort of gap for those who are not - I'm odd enough to feel 'accessible' to them (and being a Geek myself I hate to treat them poorly), so when they interact with me, they feel they're hanging with normal people and being accepted by them. Joke's on them, I ain't 'normal people.' And I'm not that 'accepting'. And I really wish they'd go away and leave me alone. :roll:


You make some very good points! I think you are right... it's definitely a combination of factors. :) I have a low tolerance for what I perceive as clingy behavior. That said, I'm probably not normal in that regard. Most people need more interaction in order to be socially fulfilled. I don't. I could very well be pushing away perfectly normal non-needy/clingy people based on that premise.

The most successful friendships I have, especially long term, are ones that are not so emotionally based. I mean, a little emotional support every which while is fine. If someone is going through a hard time, I'll do my best to help. But it gets annoying when it becomes an everyday thing. Like others have said, I have my own stuff to worry about.


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

23 Sep 2011, 3:30 pm

TwistedReflection wrote:
I drop them like a tonne of bricks and run like hell; I've got my own mental/emotional baggage to deal with, why would I want to burden myself with somebody else's? I hated being the proverbial "shoulder to cry on" :roll: .

I like your response. :) I end up doing that too, but it takes me some time to realize that I'm in that situation. I don't take action if I don't know what's going on.

Within the past few years, I'm beginning to notice now that there are often signs, such as realizing that I don't want to be anywhere near them or dreading every time I hear the phone ring. :lol: For example, I had a Physics student I was tutoring do this to me... she thought of me as her own personal counselor. She would constantly go off topic during the lessons and talk about her troubles. I finally just had to stop giving lessons. It became too much of a burden.


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

23 Sep 2011, 3:34 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I've been told that I'm very clingy, and it's made me feel unique, but that was back at school. Now that I've left and have met all kinds of different people at all kinds of different ages, I've noticed that any people could become clingy, not just Aspies.

I have a friend who is clingy. We are both on job-seekers, and I got used to just searching for jobs my way, but now she's come on the scene, I find she's a bit too bossy sometimes. She's a little overparanoid about the job-centre and looking for jobs that she keeps on saying, ''oh you don't want to apply for this and you don't want to apply for that....'' and I know it's nice to have a friend to do these things with, but sometimes I prefer to do things my way. I still try to, but then I've got to cover it up with a lie, then the lie would have to be covered up with another lie, until it's all one big lie - just to make sure I don't get found out. She's not stopping me from getting work, because she really wants me to get this job what I'm waiting to hear back from, but she's just assuming everything's going to be hard and she makes excuses up and I think she's just overparanoid.

But anyway, I do like having a close friend to do things with, rather than always being on my own. Well, I do have other friends too, but I don't see them so much as I see this friend. This is the first time in my life when I haven't felt lonely, so I like it. But sometimes....I do like my own space. If I do want a day in, I just say, ''well I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow and the next day....'' or if she rings me up and stays on the phone for longer than needed, I just say, ''well I'd better go, my dad needs to use the phone.'' I just make up little white lies....but, unlike me, some Aspies find it hard to make lies up on the spot, so I don't quite know what advice to give.

I have trouble with little white lies. I can come up with some pretty creative ones, but when it comes down to it, I usually just end up saying the truth. Sometimes I'm able to give half-truths. I don't really like doing that so much, though, because it feels dishonest. I prefer friendships where I'm able to just say what I mean. If I'm too tired to hang out, I'd rather just say that. It doesn't tax my memory as much, either. I know what you mean about digging yourself deeper and deeper into deception. I tried that one time and it turned out miserably. It didn't solve anything at all.


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


TwistedReflection
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 180
Location: At the End of Everything

23 Sep 2011, 4:50 pm

Quote:
I like your response. I end up doing that too, but it takes me some time to realize that I'm in that situation. I don't take action if I don't know what's going on.

Within the past few years, I'm beginning to notice now that there are often signs, such as realizing that I don't want to be anywhere near them or dreading every time I hear the phone ring. For example, I had a Physics student I was tutoring do this to me... she thought of me as her own personal counselor. She would constantly go off topic during the lessons and talk about her troubles. I finally just had to stop giving lessons. It became too much of a burden.


Thanks. We all have to look out for each other. 8)

What you're describing is what is sometimes known to NTs as "toxic friendships", the succubus persona that latches onto the vulnerable and those "less socially aware" falls into this category, and I had a (formerly) close friend who exemplified it. Many aspies have been bullied at one or more points throughout their lives, so I'm sure you know all too well the average NT bully and the harm they inflict.

Anyway, say that you had a long-time friend from as far back as your early school years, and now imagine that that friend had changed from how you once knew him and was now a complete douche. That was my so-called "friend". To cut a long story short, this "friend" reappears from out of nowhere after years of absence, and he suddenly wants to hang-out and be chums. I was in a very bad way at the time, which I'm certain he knew, I hadn't even showered for months; basically, I was a complete mess. I wasn't sure why he wanted my companionship so bad, I was clearly not in a fit state, and what kind of self-adulating NT (he was a vain one, this fellow) wants to hang with someone in this kind of condition?

I didn't know who was sicker, him or me. It would be a bit taxing to describe all that was said or implied by him, but he belittled every last shred of diginity I had at the time, and my reserves weren't exactly limitless at the time. I swear, it was like he was trying to drive me to suicide. To complicate matters further, I was picking up weird signals from him, like bad vibes; he just oozed it, and I was physically ill after spending any considerable amount of time with him. I wasn't sure whether he liked me, hated me, or even loved me (some creepy things were said that I shall leave undisclosed). We're both males, by the way.

Worse still, why did I put up with someone who was effectively emotionally and mentally abusing me? I think I now have an enlightened perspective on domestic abuse now, because that is what it was tantamount to. Funnily enough, I wasn't even the one to end the "friendship", he just disappeared totally at random as randomly as he had appeared. Maybe he realized I was made of sterner stuff than he thought and that his mind games weren't working at chipping away at my resolve. It took a long time to recover from this, compounded by the fact that I was isolating at the time (5 exasperating years), clinically depressed, and at the root of it all was AS.

I'm sure that your situation won't be nearly as severe as mine, but let this example be a warning to you; if you let someone like that get too close to you without sussing them out first, they can do a lot of damage.



Burnbridge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 971
Location: Columbus, Ohio

23 Sep 2011, 6:02 pm

syrella wrote:
I have trouble with little white lies. I can come up with some pretty creative ones, but when it comes down to it, I usually just end up saying the truth. Sometimes I'm able to give half-truths. I don't really like doing that so much, though, because it feels dishonest. I prefer friendships where I'm able to just say what I mean. If I'm too tired to hang out, I'd rather just say that. It doesn't tax my memory as much, either.


Thats me too, right there.

After my divorce, I realized that I really don't have the capacity to pay attention to any single person more than twice a week. So these days, I like to be up front about that when I first meet people. "Sure, I can hang out once or twice a week, but you should know that I'm 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind' when it comes to people. I probably won't think of you at all when you're not around, but I do really enjoy your company."

People that want to hang out more than that? I tell them that I need personal time to work on my own projects and stuff. Either they understand and respect that, or I don't want to hang out with them. And I do have a lot of projects and stuff to work on, so it isn't a lie.

Of course, right now I'm completely disinterested in dating or even hanging out with anyone other than my kitten. Kitten is VERY clingy, but that's ok.


_________________
No dx yet ... AS=171/200,NT=13/200 ... EQ=9/SQ=128 ... AQ=39 ... MB=IntJ


Surfman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Aug 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,938
Location: Homeward bound

23 Sep 2011, 6:16 pm

Fnord wrote:
Use them ... abuse them ... kick them to the curb.

Well, not exactly ... more like a little exploitation here and there (wash my car, mow my lawn, et cetera) with a few "Dutch Uncle" discussions of how their devotion is misplaced. If that fails, then it's a tossup between public humiliation and a restraining order.


Machiavellian much?



Surfman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Aug 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,938
Location: Homeward bound

23 Sep 2011, 6:24 pm

I spot it very quicky

and firmly indicate in a round a bout way that our relating will not take on this dynamic

translated

I turn a cold shoulder to them