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rachel_519
Raven
Joined: Sep 26, 2011
Posts: 100
Location: Earth
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 Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2011 12:29 am Post subject: My parents think everything is wonderful |
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Last night I asked my parents what I was like as a kid. I am still trying to figure out if I am "on the spectrum," so I thought some parental input would be helpful. I didn't use the word "Asperger's." I told them I was just trying to psychoanalyze myself to figure out what my strengths and weaknesses are, and I asked them if I had any unusual characteristics as a child.
Unfortunately, my parents have no clue what is going on in my mind. That is my own fault. I have spent my entire life trying to hide my problems from my parents. I didn't want them to worry. I didn't want them to think I was crazy. I never told them that I was addicted to a fantasy-themed daydream world. I never told them that I had disturbing self-harm compulsions when I was a kid. I never told them that I didn't have friends at school. Even now, I don't have the nerve to tell them that I think I might have Asperger's; I don't think they would believe me because they don't know all these other things.
It's not that they were bad parents. They were loving, attentive parents, but what they saw in me was not what I experienced. To them, it seems like I was a creative, happy child with a few imaginary friends. To me, I remember constantly worrying that someone would find out about my fantasy world, because I knew it was weird.
My mom actually said that I "easily made friends" in kindergarten. I do not remember it like that! I remember accidentally making one friend because one friendly girl was in both my kindergarten class and my dance class. After that girl changed schools in the third grade, I didn't have any friends for several years. I didn't feel lonely, but I was ashamed that I didn't have friends, so I tried to keep it a secret.
I feel like I have dug myself into a hole of secrecy. If I could go back and tell my 8-year-old self to be open with my parents, I would, but I am not sure that my 8-year-old self would listen. I've never been able to share honestly with people. I've always been afraid of disappointing or offending. Maybe that shows that I am not even an Aspie because I am way too good at hiding my feelings. IDK- whether I'm Aspie or not, the only way I could see a real psychiatrist is through their health insurance. So I have to decide if getting a diagnosis is worth being honest with my parents. I just have to brave up and talk to them. Shouldn't be that hard, right? 
I don't even have any questions to end my threat with. This is more of a whimpering, venting post. Thanks for letting me vent. The end. |
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Kail
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 24, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 373
Location: MEXICO
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2011 12:49 am Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this, and I sort of relate, except for the fact that I have aspergers. and you spelled thread wrong...
unless that was some sort of threat?  :p just joking
You write very nicely btw.
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willa
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 16, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 1019
Location: between bannings.
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2011 1:13 am Post subject: Re: My parents think everything is wonderful |
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| rachel_519 wrote: | | If I could go back and tell my 8-year-old self to be open with my parents, I would, but I am not sure that my 8-year-old self would listen. |
This cracked me up because I was just having a similar discussion the other day with a co-worker on a similar subject.
My mom is a total denial-hag. When I told my mom her reply was "oh, it's probably just depression, you should go see a psychiatrist to get some medicine for it" And twice since in the last ~6 years she's brought up the topic "have you ever though more into seeing someone about those depression issues you were having?" and I just quickly change it.
But in the end, it's just another quirky fault and she was a hard working sole bread-winning mom to 4 rowdy and misbehaved kids and from what my older siblings have put her through I can't blame her for just wanting to ignore and pretend everything is alright with me lol.
As well, there are a lot of people here who question their status on the spectrum and still figuring it out. There are people very high and very low on the spectrum.
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“It's a sad thing not to have friends, but it is even sadder not to have enemies.” - El Che |
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MudandStars
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 17, 2009
Age: 25
Posts: 608
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2011 3:49 am Post subject: Re: My parents think everything is wonderful |
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| rachel_519 wrote: | | My mom actually said that I "easily made friends" in kindergarten. I do not remember it like that! I remember accidentally making one friend because one friendly girl was in both my kindergarten class and my dance class. After that girl changed schools in the third grade, I didn't have any friends for several years. I didn't feel lonely, but I was ashamed that I didn't have friends, so I tried to keep it a secret. |
Whether your mom's observation is right or not doesn't necessarily make AS less likely. It's relatively common for kids on the spectrum to have had an easier time making "friends" in kindergarten because friendships are organized differently at that age... the kids who like painting are "Friends", so are the kids who play with blocks and the kids who play in the sand pit. Little kid relationships dont necessarily even involve much actual relating just playing at the same activity in the same space.
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“Two men looked through prison bars; one saw mud and the other stars.” Frederick Langbridge |
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