Post 4128055 - (Baffled! Are people allergic to me, or I to them?!)

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Baffled! Are people allergic to me, or I to them?!

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Wrong Planet Autism Forum Index -> Social Skills and Making Friends

agwhanooo
Butterfly

Joined: Oct 23, 2011
Posts: 16

Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 10:22 pm Post subject: Baffled! Are people allergic to me, or I to them?!

I feel like a 7th Grader writing this lol. I'm only a few years off 30 and here I am still having problems with people. Not just NTs. Not just Aspies. People. I have no clue what it is I'm doing so wrong but virtually every friendship ends disastrously, with me either suddenly being ignored and shunned for seemingly no reason, or the person suddenly turning sour on me, or even the person turning into a bully and rallying others to harrass and even stalk me. Whether I'm open with them about having AS or not seems immaterial; in fact, even a guy who worked in the autistic field ended up rejecting me (I heard from a mutual acquaintance that he thought I was "too Aspie" ) I had several Aspie friends but even they trailed off and ignored me eventually. Even my own family avoid me. I'm friendly, upbeat, always up for a laugh, never taking life or myself too seriously, keep whinging and talking about my obsessions to a minimum, have impeccable hygiene ... yet not only is my social life an ever revolving door but I also seem to attract bullies, backstabbers, stalkers, and people in general who wish to make my life a misery. I'm baffled. What am I doing wrong, I wonder? What do I keep doing wrong that merits rejection and bullying? Does anyone have any suggestions or simply feels the same way? To be honest I feel pretty alone right now.

Ashuahhe
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Jan 30, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 692

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:06 am Post subject:

Same here, every friendship I have made ends badly and I have no clue why. The ones that are still friends with me I assume are also different like me

Shebakoby
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Sep 06, 2009
Age: 40
Posts: 1566

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:27 am Post subject:

The problem is unless you directly ask someone that you have a reasonable expectation of honesty from that knows exactly why (preferably the people that suddenly started treating you like a leper), you'll probably never know. I have pissed off a gazillion people somehow and to this day I have no idea how or why.

agwhanooo
Butterfly

Joined: Oct 23, 2011
Posts: 16

Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:10 pm Post subject:

Thanks guys (or gals ). It's infuriating that for whatever reason the other party is never honest. In my Aspie idealism if I had a significant issue (and I do mean significant) with someone who I felt was a friend I would be respectful enough to try and break it to them kindly and gently, in private, because as I friend I would have their best interests at heart. Minor things I'd keep quiet, but there are some instances in which people need to be told (even if they don't like to hear it). But for most others, it would seem, friendships are so throwaway that it's just easier to up and leave at the first tiny glitch. Why bother investing in a friendship with someone 'abnormal' when there is a plentiful supply of 'normals' all around you? And hey, why even tolerate 'abnormals' at all! Their purpose in life is sport for us; to be made fun of! Lol cynical, moi?

Greatsharkbite
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Jun 09, 2009
Age: 27
Posts: 680

Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:00 pm Post subject:

I feel like this also. I've had a couple of friends growing up, but my first one age 10-13, I didn't keep in touch with when I moved. My other one 13-17 was cool sometimes, but was a jackass. (Tried to get me to take my mom's car, would come over drunk, etc) Even normal isn't normal to me, the human condition is very flawed and there will never be an individual you come into contact with that won't make you want to claw your eyes out at least once or twice. Don't get me wrong, there are relationships where the good definitely outweights the bad, but for a mere friendship there is rarely the amount of depth any of us really need (in my opinion). People who even care to think about relationships indepth, won't get along with the majority who actually have them. Because the majority don't think, friendships is smiles, chemistry and luck not actual thought. Then there are the people who are so spurned by failed attempts at friendship that they pass right by people in the same condition and don't even attempt to reach out to each other for fear of embarrassment or rejection.

namaste
Enigmatic Charismatically Odd
Phoenix

Joined: Apr 15, 2011
Posts: 1840
Location: Hindustan

Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 1:55 am Post subject:

People avoid me i have noticed that many times.. when im at a social place people avoid sitting next to me. they inadvertently leave the sit empty next to me. they feel uncomfortable in my presence. I have read the concept of Pain Body in Eckharts Tolle's new earth and thats what i reasonate with the situation. Actually i have a pain body since i was brutally abused as a child. I have few friends...i just answer them when they call but its mostly for their selfish needs that they call up. either they want books, help or some other thing.

Circle989898
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Oct 31, 2011
Posts: 1954

Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 6:39 am Post subject:

This happens to me also. Misery loves company possibly?

ne3o23
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: Apr 29, 2012
Posts: 1

Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:13 am Post subject:

Hello everyone, we are trying to build a database that is accessible to everyone with PATM, hence trace the onset of the illness, and hopeful find a cure. There aren’t many users at the moment to correlate the relationship among us PATM users, so we can’t really narrow down patterns of this dreadful disease. We need more PATM individuals to contribute and make this a success. Please help us and help yourself by contributing in the survey. The Data is accessible to everyone for further evaluation and research. Check this page for details, medhelp "dot" org/posts/People-Allergic-to-Me-PATM/People-Are-Allergic-To-Me-PATM/show/4415 Please, invite other PATM members from other forums to contribute. Thank you!

Bubbles137
Velociraptor

Joined: Oct 18, 2010
Age: 26
Posts: 460

Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 4:22 pm Post subject:

Happens to me too- even now I'm 25! When i was at school, some people said they "didn't like my aura", which totally confused me!

Crazygirl79
Blue Jay

Joined: Feb 03, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 78
Location: Australia

Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:19 pm Post subject: Re: Baffled! Are people allergic to me, or I to them?!

Don't be too hard on yourself!! I have been through this in my younger years especially at school but these days I usually say to people that they have two choices, they either accept me for who I am or they can take a hike...it's as simple as that and it's coming from someone whose well and truly over putting up with other peoples bullshit.

In regards to the "friends" you have they really sound like they've got all sorts of issues of their own including the guy that works with people with ASD and it wouldn't be just your Aspergers or you thats causing this problem but their personal issues possibly along with their inability to understand and accept your difference as well..

Have a look at my latest thread, you might get something out of it...

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt197033.html

S

agwhanooo wrote:

I feel like a 7th Grader writing this lol. I'm only a few years off 30 and here I am still having problems with people. Not just NTs. Not just Aspies. People.

I have no clue what it is I'm doing so wrong but virtually every friendship ends disastrously, with me either suddenly being ignored and shunned for seemingly no reason, or the person suddenly turning sour on me, or even the person turning into a bully and rallying others to harrass and even stalk me. Whether I'm open with them about having AS or not seems immaterial; in fact, even a guy who worked in the autistic field ended up rejecting me (I heard from a mutual acquaintance that he thought I was "too Aspie" Rolling Eyes

) I had several Aspie friends but even they trailed off and ignored me eventually. Even my own family avoid me.

I'm friendly, upbeat, always up for a laugh, never taking life or myself too seriously, keep whinging and talking about my obsessions to a minimum, have impeccable hygiene Laughing

... yet not only is my social life an ever revolving door but I also seem to attract bullies, backstabbers, stalkers, and people in general who wish to make my life a misery. I'm baffled. What am I doing wrong, I wonder? What do I keep doing wrong that merits rejection and bullying?

Does anyone have any suggestions or simply feels the same way? To be honest I feel pretty alone right now.

AngelKnight
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: May 04, 2011
Posts: 748
Location: This is not my home; I'm just passing through

Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:48 pm Post subject:

I'm very people-allergic. Rather, I like individual persons, it's groups of persons that set my teeth on edge. Spending time alone can be much more predictable and less stressful as a result. I guess it's uncommon for me to feel lonely though, so I'm not sure how much help this is to you. About the only thing from my experience that I can offer is: I'm used to having an "outside" face and an "inside" face [1]. Persons almost always get the "outside face" until I decide they're trustworthy. [1] See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honne_and_tatemae for more descriptions. I don't live in Japan, but I guess old habits die hard, and family traditions die even harder.

dreammirror
Butterfly

Joined: Apr 30, 2012
Posts: 15

Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:49 am Post subject: Re: Baffled! Are people allergic to me, or I to them?!

agwhanooo wrote:

My friend, you are experiencing society. That's what society is.

Unfortunately people get off on gossip and drama. When there is none someone has to make some. Why do you think 'reality' TV is going to feature people getting into catfights and screaming matches over people getting along and having a coffee? Because people crave attention and thrive off of someone else's misery.

I used to get that a lot too, especially in my high school years and early college years. And like you, I've always tried to make people like me. Going above and beyond to be friendly. Trying to smile, make sure my voice is pleasant...and in-turn I've gotten the short end of the stick at best and treated like dirt at worst.

The only thing you're doing wrong is being yourself (which isn't wrong). But in their eyes (most people), being nice and friendly either means you have ulterior motives (since most people don't have the Aspie-honesty) or you're 'weird' because you're not mistreating someone.

Sorry to hear you're going through that. Sad

All I can offer you is a little comfort in knowing I've been through that stage in life. I look back and I STILL don't know what I did to merit people hating me for no good reason. Things aren't as bad for me now as far as bullying goes but people still suck in varying degrees.

And what is 'too Aspie'? That's just stupid of him to say that. Don't let it get to you.

Aprilviolets
Slave of my ginger cat.
Phoenix

Joined: May 07, 2011
Posts: 1249

Posted: Tue May 01, 2012 7:45 pm Post subject: Baffled! Are people allergic to me, or I to them.

Same thing happens to me I've been away for 5 days on a coach trip with my Mum and there was this lady who was really nice but all of a sudden she shunned me it was disappointing it made me feel like why bother getting to know people they end up turning on you anyway.

Scorpio82
Snowy Owl

Joined: Mar 25, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 174
Location: Vancouver, BC

Posted: Tue May 01, 2012 8:11 pm Post subject:

I've been experiencing this same problem a lot lately at the age of 29. What normally starts out as great friendships eventually fizzles out into this weird situation where my friends are avoiding eye contact with me and don't even bother inviting me along for events they'd know I'd love. I don't really sense any disdain from them - it just seems like they're forgetting about my existence lately. Half the time, it's like they can't even hear or see me. Even at the bar, my friends will order a round of shots, but always forget to order one for me - even if there's only four of us. I've tried to escape my invisibility bubble lately by being more direct with people. I've called friends up to go for lunch. I've invited them up for karaoke duets. I've even ordered a few rounds for them myself. In those brief moments, I do feel connected with them again, but as soon as it's over, everything goes back to the way it was. It's almost like being a novelty - nobody's strictly hating on me; I wear off on them after a while. I found one of the better ways to fix this is to keep yourself interesting. Meet new people, invite them along. Take up classes, take up sports - even read the news. Even buying some new clothes from time to time is a nice temporary fix. I found most of my friendships ended badly on the grounds of me never changing, so you can't let yourself be a novelty to people. Letting yourself be a novelty sometimes brings out your worst traits. Also, one of the worst things you can do is ask them "is there something wrong with me?" They'll always answer "no" because they're about as aware of your problem as they are of you - so all you're doing is freaking them out.

SpiritBlooms
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Nov 15, 2009
Posts: 1024

Posted: Tue May 01, 2012 8:18 pm Post subject:

I used to worry about the fact that I've never had very many friends. It was a great relief to me to realize I'm probably an Aspie and that this is normal for an Aspie not to be able to make friends very easily. I learned a lot of emotional self-reliance through the years, and now I just don't worry about friendship so much. People rarely understand where I'm coming from, including other Aspies, apparently. That's okay. Last edited by SpiritBlooms on Sun May 06, 2012 6:42 pm; edited 2 times in total

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