Voleuse
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 09, 2011
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 1:25 pm Post subject: Aspies fit parents? |
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I'm not sure yet if I want kids. I most likely want to adopt.
But I do worry if I'd make a fit parent. I do need downtime after being social and get overstimulated sometimes. I don't see how that would combine, especially with a young child that needs constant attention.
I wonder if other Aspies think they would make good parents or people that actually have children and have learned to live with it.
(Please don't react by saying omgz I hate children, i would never consider it etc. there is already a topic about that) |
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League_Girl
Proud mamma
Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13671
Location: My house
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| Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 2:00 pm Post subject: |
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I think it depends on the aspie. Look at yourself and your limitations, do you think it would stop you from being a good parent? Can you get through your limitations or work on them and do it? Do you have support from your family and will they help you? This also applies to everyone, even NTs, not just to people on the spectrum.
I have a ten month old and so far everything is good. I just need to be a better parent. At least when he is in his crib sleeping or napping, I can have time to myself. Plus he is a much easier baby when he gets enough sleep and has a bedtime and he hardly cries when I put him bad to bed but nap times he cries and then he falls asleep. My mother had to set me straight about him needing a nap and a bedtime and once I knew the logical reason for it, I started to do it. He adapted to it very quick. Sometimes I wear ear plugs when he won't stop making noise and it's getting to me.
Kids don't need a parent interacting with them at all times, just give some of your time to them everyday and then they be okay, that is what my mother told me. Also ask them how their day was like how was school so that way it builds their trust with you and relationship so that way when they get to their teens, they can actually talk to you about personal stuff or what is bothering them. They will have a bond. Even my mother needs downtime and has always told us not right now and she just wants to read and she will play with us later or because she was in the middle of cleaning and didn't want to play with us right now. So this shows how parents don't always need to be with their kids every time they want their attention. When they are real little, they may throw a tantrum because you aren't giving them their attention right away and they can't seem to understand that you are busy and in the middle of something and they have to wait or that you will do it with them after you are done. I haven't even gotten that far yet since I have only had one and he isn't even a year old yet. But he doesn't demand constant attention from me but he does from his husband. Maybe it has to do with him being a boy and daddy is a boy and as people say, boys will be boys. I think infants instinctively know what their gender is even if they don't know their gender themselves. I was about five when I realized I was a girl. My son also plays by himself and he is fun to watch. But I have to get up and grab stuff from him when he finds something and puts it in his mouth or touches things I don't want him to wreck. I also use baby gates and used one of the boxes to block off a bookshelf and putting a stool in front of it to keep him out of there. I have had to move my other books on top of the other bookshelf to keep him away from them. I even have to keep my chair pushed up against the wall to keep him from crawling behind and unplugging the computer. I just have to keep things out of reach where he can't get to it. I also keep the bathroom door closed and our bedroom and he hasn't figured out yet how to turn the door knobs. He also hasn't figured out yet how to climb onto the couch or chairs and onto the tables or just to reach stuff on them. I also try and remember to feed him, I will feed him when he first gets up and my husband reminds me to feed him when it's our day off. But remembering to breast feed is easy because every time he kept crying, I put a boob to his mouth and he shut up. So I always did it to keep him quiet. |
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peaceloveerin
Toucan
Joined: Aug 06, 2011
Age: 25
Posts: 252
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| Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm never having kids and don't plan on changing my mind about it at all!! I'm way too selfish and immature to raise a child on my own! |
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mntn13
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2011
Posts: 1006
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| Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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Wow to look at it from the oldster's point of view...I have royally screwed up my kids lives due to being a hermit and not being able or know how to communicate. I'd recommend thinking twice, or three times before having kids unless you are NT.
When the kids are little it is easy. When they are medium to large, not so much, and when they are large to full grown, they hold you responsible for every single thing that goes wrong or right.
So be ready. |
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fragaria
Blue Jay
Joined: May 19, 2011
Posts: 77
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| Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 2:44 am Post subject: |
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I understand you are afraid of the unknown, but even NT's can screw up their children, that shouldn't stop you.
I had never heard of aspergers before I got my 3 kids and it wasn't that difficult. I never left my children with babysitters to party when they were small and I breastfed them for years, I really wanted to be a good mother. There was always an abundance of toys because I'm a child at heart and loved and still love to bring back interesting toys from flea markets, thrift stores and so on. Other children begged to come play at our home.
What I didn't like was everything to do with school.
Yes, when they are older they start to complain about a lot of things but that's normal .
I would say, go ahead! |
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Chronos
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 23, 2010
Posts: 5231
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| Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 12:57 am Post subject: Re: Aspies fit parents? |
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Just like amongst the general population, some are and some aren't.
I don't have children but I had a lot of responsibility with my younger siblings and I feel I understand children well.
I have a friend who's mother is a rather reclusive woman with AS and her reclusiveness makes him feel unloved by her though I've tried to explain that she actually does love him. She is just unable to provide for his emotional needs. |
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LittleBlackCat
Toucan
Joined: Sep 11, 2011
Posts: 266
Location: England
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| Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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| I have a wonderful 9-year-old daughter. She has a lot of AS traits herself. She is a very happy child. Every parent has strengths and weaknesses and every single one (assuming they are honest) will look back and say there are things they could have done better, but I see absolutely no reason why AS in and of itself should disqualify anyone from being a good parent. |
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BuyerBeware
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Age: 35
Posts: 1051
Location: PA, USA
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| Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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| mntn13 wrote: | Wow to look at it from the oldster's point of view...I have royally screwed up my kids lives due to being a hermit and not being able or know how to communicate. I'd recommend thinking twice, or three times before having kids unless you are NT.
When the kids are little it is easy. When they are medium to large, not so much, and when they are large to full grown, they hold you responsible for every single thing that goes wrong or right.
So be ready. |
Newsflash: They do that anyway. All kids, when they are bigger, blame their parents' foibles and imperfections (and, contraty to what some people seem to think, everyone has 'em) for all their problems. I'm an Aspie mom-of-three. Yes, my NT 10-year-old is starting to have questions I can't answer. But, by and large, my kids and I think I'm a pretty good mother. Perfect, no. I have never seen a perfect parent.
*sets soapbox on ground and leaps up on top of it, rolling up sleeves*
I have seen my Aspie father and my NT aunt raise kids. Her children may be very socially accepted, but all three are alcoholics and both daughters are drug addicts. None of them have any compassion for another human being. None of them care to spend even as much time with their children as I do. Meanwhile, I've been suicidally depressed twice (both times precipitated by the behavior of NTs). I've also picked myself up off the floor, got rid of the only drug habit I ever had (save nicotine), and built (or at least married) a decent life for myself.
I understand more about mental health and good parenting than my entire NT family combined (if you leave out my 84-year-old grandma, who's suffering from senile dementia).
Between my Aspie father and my NT in-laws, my father was a much better parent. Not just to an Aspie child, either-- by objective standards. His rules were consistent and clear. I was praised for things I did right and corrected (generally) rather than punished for things I did wrong. OK, he only showed up at two school functions in the entire six years he had custody of me-- but that's two more than my NT in-laws showed up at in 18 years of raising my husband, and they didn't do any of the other good stuff, either.
My Aspie father taught me to balance a checkbook, cook a meal, keep a house, plan a budget. My NT grandmother wouldn't let me wash my own hair-- at 12 years of age!!!! My NT in-laws let my husband leave their house at 18 without any of those skills (what few he had, mostly cooking, he learned in school).
I don't show up at many school functions-- awards ceremonies and the annual Fall Family Weekend are about the extent of it. I did the PTO for a year-- I hated it and it hated me, so I stuck to volunteering for clean-up crew after events. I do that, and no one seems to mind that I spend the actual event hiding in a corner gently rocking, tapping my feet, checking the time every ten minutes, and stuffing myself with nachos since I'm not allowed to smoke. I tell them I'm hard of hearing so I don't have to try to carry a conversation with virtual strangers in a crowded room with 10,000,000 sounds I can't screen out.
Plenty of perfectly neurotypical parents never show up at a school function unless a teacher's threatening to get the cops involved. They're too busy, too self-absorbed, or too lazy. Or all of the above.
Am I saying we're better?? Perfect?? No. Nobody is. All the parenting books aside, there is no such thing. The perfect parent-- even the parent who is always good and never bad-- is a fantasy. Why does our society choose to perpetrate these myths?? They're dangerous-- to parents and to children.
I'm saying having kids or not should be a personal decision, based on your temper, your temperament, what you want, and what you think you are able to give. Just like it is for anyone else-- it's about who you are, what you want, and what you think you can do.
Contrary to a lot of dangerous bullshit published by very arrogant (and not terrible observant) so-called "experts," having AS or being NT has little to nothing to do with it.
*climbs down off soapbox and walks away, muttering and flapping hands*
_________________
I'm tired. I do not have sufficient strength remaining to persevere in the face of adversity. I accept myself as broken and conformity/compliance as the only acceptable existence. I give up.
What's on TV tonight?? |
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rainbowlolly
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 11, 2008
Posts: 37
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| Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:29 am Post subject: |
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| I would say AS itself doesn't have much to do with it as a whole, it all depends on the individual in the sense that even NTs can be rubbish parents, as the poster above said there is no such thing as a perfect parent... so I do think anyone can be a parent, they just have to adapt and change their responsibilities and life to help them bring a child up the best they can, and if they are not ready for that or perhaps don't think they ever will be, should re-think about starting a family. |
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mntn13
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2011
Posts: 1006
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| Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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chelle71
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 15, 2011
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 6:55 am Post subject: |
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| Being an AS mum with three children, 2 boys with AS and an NT girl I would have to agree that it comes down to the personalities, personal histories and desire of the two parents involved. Being human none of us are perfect. I wasn't diagnosed until my eldest was 14. If I could give any advice it would be to really understand your triggers and learn coping mechanisms to calm yourself before you have a baby. |
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3AS1NT
Emu Egg
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Joined: Nov 23, 2011
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I am an AS mom with 2 AS kids (1 officially diagnosed, 1 being accessed). I never knew I had AS until my son was diagnosed. Had I'd known before conceiving children I probably would have waited until I was older so I could learn more about Aspergers and how it plays in my life and in the lives of other family members. I now know my "triggers" and also my kid's "triggers" which were never understood before by us and some medical professionals alike. Also having AS, it is difficult to advocate for yourself or children. In my own personal experience, NTs know very little about the condition and often downplay it because we with AS "look normal" or have higher intelligence so some have a hard time believing that it is a form of autism. Other challenges I have are being married to a NT and also having a NT stepdaughter who have difficultly understanding AS. Having kids is a major life change regardless if you have AS or are a NT and should not be taken lightly. I could not do it without my very patient NT husband. |
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franlikeskittens
Butterfly
Joined: Dec 11, 2011
Age: 28
Posts: 17
Location: Santiago
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| Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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I'm the mom of a 7 year-old girl. I don't have a diagnosis, but many traits, specially social. My issues weren't a problem until she began second grade: I don't seem to meet her needs, academically and emotionally, and everyone (my ex, my mom, the teacher, other parents) thinks of me as a lazy, dumb mother whom, because of getting pregnant at 19, just care about herself. And it's annoying, because I don't care about what they think, so now they're getting pushy: they want me to change.
Now I don't know wether is best for her and for me: keeping her? send her to her father? run away with her? |
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OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6990
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
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| Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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I have four children and I'm an Aspie. They are all NT's. I am a great parent. Sure, there are lots of things that they have wanted or needed to do, or wanted or needed from me that made me uncomfortable, but until you have children you cannot understand the completely overpowering and total love you have for them. It's a feeling I can't describe, except that when your children need you to do something that you normally just cannot do, you will do it for them. Because they need it. In other words, your love for your children will make their needs trump yours. It's not like love for a spouse or a parent or sibling. It's the strongest feeling that there is.
_________________
Frances
I can be a little much sometimes. |
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DarthMaul
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Sep 10, 2011
Posts: 193
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| Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2011 9:15 pm Post subject: |
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*slight laugh* I probably wouldn't 'cause my mom asks me to baby sit because she's a foster parent and she probably hates me. The boy's 3 years old and he still goes to the bathroom on himself (and he won't say anything until the...cotton I think it is that's in the pull-up soaks through), doesn't talk, claps in my ear (1), and would look at me like I'm crazy after I give him the simplest command (2). The girl's 2 years old will dig her hands into my food and eat it, yell in my ear, throw things at me, will draw in my books, and will take off all of her clothes. Seeing as how much of a prick I am to these kids (which you will see in my examples), I doubt I'd be any better to my own.
| Quote: | Ex. 1: I'm trying to sleep and he keeps clapping. I'm trying ultra, mega hard to block it out until I get up and slap him (his face is still swollen... so, yeah, I hit hard). He fell and started crying, and his sister started yelling/talking/babbling and I knocked her down and proceeded to go to the bathroom.
Ex 2:
Me: Carmello, go in the room.
Carmello: *blank stare*
Me: Carmello... Go in the room.
Carmello: *more blank stares*
Me: Carmello. Go. In. The. Room.
I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the room while he's crying. |
Yeah, my kids would be taken away by social services in a heartbeat. |
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